Breakup. Where do I go from here?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Regular here going anon.

I've been going out with my bf for almost a year and today it looks like we're breaking up. From day one I've had reservations about us due to some differences in background etc, but we got on so well and the chemistry and spark was so great that I set those aside and decided to give it a chance.

As background I'm early 30s and he is my first relationship. I had poor luck with men before him and I'm so scared that that is where I'm headed again. Dated lots but never really found anyone I had a connection with who wanted the same things as me until him. Single for years and years. He was different in that he was completely committed and infatuated frm day one, never flaked on me, was so kind and loving towards me, we click emotionally and he always made the effort.

More recently it's been like the honeymoon wore off and our incompatibilities began to show. He drinks way too much and he constantly lets me down because of it. Today we were supposed to go for dinner, but he was at a stag last night and he slept all day, didn't contact me and didn't reply to any calls. I had a word with him before the stag, reminded him of our plans, "please don't get too pissed" etc etc and then this. It's just the straw that broke the camel's back really,

There are other issues too, he's a few years younger and still lives at home for no good reason tbh, I haven't lived at home since I was 18 and feel I'm a lot more independent and domesticated as a result. We talked about moving in together but I knew deep down it would lead to major issues as these differences lead to constant quarrels and me feeling like I'm nagging him to do the most basic of things.

I think the biggest thing I've struggled with is trying to envisage building a future with him. He's got terrible money management and I'm the complete opposite, want to buy a home in the next few years and I can't see how we could work towards this together. Same with marriage, kids etc.

I'm rambling now as I'm trying to get my head around the fact that we're finished. I'm not sure how to be single again, I feel too old for all the dating crap again and feel like I'm just going to miss the boat.

I suppose I'm just looking for some advice on how to move on from here. I'm still in love with him and this is just utterly breaking my heart to realise that love is not enough sometimes.

I think due to the relationship I've not been as sociable with friends for the last year, I live abroad and many of my closest friends are in a different country so I feel very alone here. Not sure where to look for support. Any words of wisdom would be great, thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

Hey poster,

I (female) would be in a similar position to your ex. Haven't started saving for a house or the grandkids (lol) yet but planning on starting after i finish my studies. I think my ex broke up with me for the same reasons you are breaking up with your bf and it hurt because if i had the feckin money i would have bought the house and anything for him, would've given him the shirt off my back i loved him that much but unfortunately I'll be a broke loser for a few more years that's a given .
But I can see things from your point of view and think if you are in such different places then it's probably the right decision. I want to find someone in a similar starting situation to myself. I understand why my ex broke up with me and i'm sure your bf will if you explain it. (which was never done to me)
I know it's hard living abroad and can be lonely but I think the breakup is what is making you feel lonely. And maybe everything's getting on top of you. I think you should try to chill out, give yourself time to get over him (you will) and give yourself time. What's for you won't pass you.

HelgaWard

I think you deserve someone who treats you better. Ignoring you for a full day when you had prearranged plans is not good enough. Listen to the alarms bells, trust your gut and move on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys.

Had a pretty emotional day. Still not sure what to do or what to think.

Had a few texts from himself, mainly grovelling, sorry I f#%@ed up, I love you I can't lose you, what can I do, I'll sort out my drinking etc. I've told him I need some space and won't be texting/calling for a while. Luckily I'm going on hols with my sister for a week in a few days so will be a well-needed distraction.

I'm not sure I have any faith in him changing. He's always been a drinker but he had a bereavement in the family a few months ago and it's been so much worse since. It's been a crutch for him, drinking every day. He lives at home and his dad is quite fond of a pint as are all his friends so it's a bad environment for him. He confided in me a few times about knowing his drinking out of control, he went to an AA meeting and hated it, did nothing for him. I've felt like a bad gf the last while because I don't know quite how to help him other than suggesting alcohol-free dates and I've found it hard to not get upset when he has another bender and is a wreck from it.

I'm just so torn up in the head/heart thing. I know on paper he can't give me what I need, but I love him more than any other man I've ever been with. He is such a kind, gentle soul. He'd give me the shirt off his back and he loves the bones of me. What if I never find that again? Took me bloody long enough to find it in the first place. Am I being too hasty and should I give it another chance? I'm not getting any younger and I have no faith in the dating scene, always hated it.

HelgaWard

You don't need to decide quickly. The holiday is great timing. Take the time for yourself and think about what you really want. It sounds like you really love your boyfriend, but should anybody put up with life with a partner who puts alcohol in front of everything and everyone?? Whether he can get his drinking until control, nobody knows. He is in charge of his own destiny there. I think you going away and giving him a bit of time, might shock him a bit. He needs to realise how serious you are. Maybe talk to al anon? http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

strugglingtocope wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys.

What if I never find that again? Took me bloody long enough to find it in the first place. Am I being too hasty and should I give it another chance? I'm not getting any younger and I have no faith in the dating scene, always hated it.

With regards to the above, personally I'd prefer to be on my own than with someone who prefers alcohol than me.