Burdened by my childhood

currooney

So I wouldn't go as far to say I had a bad childhood, it was pretty good if I'm honest but when I look back I focus on the bad memories. Ever since I can remember I've had a difficult relationship with my mother and I've always tried to accept it for what it is but recently I've begin to realise that she emotionally abused me. She blamed me when things didn't go well, she called me hurtful names and it's affected the person that I've become. I can't think about my childhood without becoming painfully sad, when I see children with their mothers my chest hurts. I'm 18 years of age now and our relationship hasn't improved, being at home makes me sad and I feel like I need to address my feelings so I don't feel this pain forever. I'm generally a very happy person but this is an aspect of my life that brings me down. I don't tend to share my family problems with anyone but I've opened up to my boyfriend and he recommends that I visit jigsaw as he had a great experience with them. I do think I need to speak to someone but I feel like my problems are relatively small and I don't want to waste the services when someone else could need it more. I really don't know what I'm looking for by posting this but it'd be great to hear about someone who was in a similar situation and got through it.

bonyn

No time like the present

Most ppl have issues with 1 parent or both, and look back and say their parent (a human being with flaws, just like everyone else) was too distant, or controlling, or unsupportive, or critical, etc etc., and how things would be so much different if only....

Take some counselling to analyse past issues and how they impact on you now, and also implement boundaries for a positive grown-up relationship... maybe 4-6 sessions, and move on with your life. Good luck!

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. I am so sorry to hear about your bad relationship with your mother. My advice to you is to forget about the past and move on. Remember the old saying what happens in the past stays in the past so my advice to you is to leave the past and focus more on the future aplogise and forgive her and move and try to focus more on the positives and the future. At the end of the day she is still your mother she was the person who brought you into the world in the first place so she cant be that bad. You are now 18 so you are now a woman so just because you didnt get on with her as a child you might get on very well with her now as an adult. Also I would highly recommend that you get counselling. Maybe look up some counselling services in your area and then make an appointment. It would really if you could talk about it just to get it off your chest.
Best of Luck with your future

eviltwin

Ryan Mac Sweeney wrote: »

Hi there
I have read your post. I am so sorry to hear about your bad relationship with your mother. My advice to you is to forget about the past and move on. Remember the old saying what happens in the past stays in the past so my advice to you is to leave the past and focus more on the future aplogise and forgive her and move and try to focus more on the positives and the future. At the end of the day she is still your mother she was the person who brought you into the world in the first place so she cant be that bad. You are now 18 so you are now a woman so just because you didnt get on with her as a child you might get on very well with her now as an adult. Also I would highly recommend that you get counselling. Maybe look up some counselling services in your area and then make an appointment. It would really if you could talk about it just to get it off your chest.
Best of Luck with your future

Easier said than done......

OP it's a difficult one cause you are still in the home. It would be a good idea to get some counselling with a view to confronting your mother about her unacceptable behaviour. Do you have siblings, if so how is she with them? Is your father around?

Don't feel guilty about taking up a counsellors time, you deserve support as much as anyone. Have a read of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, it's an interesting read and has lots of good advice.

I had a toxic parent, it didn't start to get better until we were no longer living together but it did get better.

currooney

Ryan Mac Sweeney wrote: »

Hi there
I have read your post. I am so sorry to hear about your bad relationship with your mother. My advice to you is to forget about the past and move on. Remember the old saying what happens in the past stays in the past so my advice to you is to leave the past and focus more on the future aplogise and forgive her and move and try to focus more on the positives and the future. At the end of the day she is still your mother she was the person who brought you into the world in the first place so she cant be that bad. You are now 18 so you are now a woman so just because you didnt get on with her as a child you might get on very well with her now as an adult. Also I would highly recommend that you get counselling. Maybe look up some counselling services in your area and then make an appointment. It would really if you could talk about it just to get it off your chest.
Best of Luck with your future

I appreciate your advice but I don't see how I can put things in the past when the very same thing is presently happening. The way I've been treated over the years and how I continue to be treated has made it hard for me to trust people and although I do want to seek help, this makes me hesitant to see a counsellor.

currooney

eviltwin wrote: »

Ryan Mac Sweeney wrote: »

Hi there
I have read your post. I am so sorry to hear about your bad relationship with your mother. My advice to you is to forget about the past and move on. Remember the old saying what happens in the past stays in the past so my advice to you is to leave the past and focus more on the future aplogise and forgive her and move and try to focus more on the positives and the future. At the end of the day she is still your mother she was the person who brought you into the world in the first place so she cant be that bad. You are now 18 so you are now a woman so just because you didnt get on with her as a child you might get on very well with her now as an adult. Also I would highly recommend that you get counselling. Maybe look up some counselling services in your area and then make an appointment. It would really if you could talk about it just to get it off your chest.
Best of Luck with your future

Easier said than done......

OP it's a difficult one cause you are still in the home. It would be a good idea to get some counselling with a view to confronting your mother about her unacceptable behaviour. Do you have siblings, if so how is she with them? Is your father around?

Don't feel guilty about taking up a counsellors time, you deserve support as much as anyone. Have a read of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, it's an interesting read and has lots of good advice.

I had a toxic parent, it didn't start to get better until we were no longer living together but it did get better.

I have a 14 year old brother and he is in the same situation as I am. I struggled the most at his age and I seriously believe I suffered from depression but again I couldn't go to my mother for help, maybe I'm just looking for someone to blame but I think she was the root of the problem. On one occasion I told her I hadn't felt happy in months and she told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. This went on for 2 years or so, thankfully I'm back to my normal self now but I worry for my brother. I try to look out for him as best I can but my family as a whole are very distant and he doesn't talk to any of us very much. My father is around but again we're not close. An incident happened recently with my mother and I should have told him but I don't feel like he would do anything. He has sided with her in the past so talking to him is pointless.
Thank you I will definitely give that a read. Yeah I feel like we would get on better if we were living apart. I will be moving for college in September so hopefully things will improve.

currooney

bonyn wrote: »

No time like the present

Most ppl have issues with 1 parent or both, and look back and say their parent (a human being with flaws, just like everyone else) was too distant, or controlling, or unsupportive, or critical, etc etc., and how things would be so much different if only....

Take some counselling to analyse past issues and how they impact on you now, and also implement boundaries for a positive grown-up relationship... maybe 4-6 sessions, and move on with your life. Good luck!

Yeah I realise that difficulties between parents and children are almost universal. Maybe I'm overreacting. Thanks so much for your reply and advice.

eviltwin

currooney wrote: »

I have a 14 year old brother and he is in the same situation as I am. I struggled the most at his age and I seriously believe I suffered from depression but again I couldn't go to my mother for help, maybe I'm just looking for someone to blame but I think she was the root of the problem. On one occasion I told her I hadn't felt happy in months and she told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. This went on for 2 years or so, thankfully I'm back to my normal self now but I worry for my brother. I try to look out for him as best I can but my family as a whole are very distant and he doesn't talk to any of us very much. My father is around but again we're not close. An incident happened recently with my mother and I should have told him but I don't feel like he would do anything. He has sided with her in the past so talking to him is pointless.
Thank you I will definitely give that a read. Yeah I feel like we would get on better if we were living apart. I will be moving for college in September so hopefully things will improve.

Is there anyone at all you can confide in? I'd be very concerned for your brother being alone when you go to college. Would you talk to a teacher or relative? Emotional abuse is a serious issue and she shouldn't be allowed get away with it.

bonyn

currooney wrote: »

Yeah I realise that difficulties between parents and children are almost universal. Maybe I'm overreacting. Thanks so much for your reply and advice.

I don't think you're overreacting. it's great you realise there's a problem with what's been going on, and it's a perfect time to decide you're not playing by the old rules any more. You're not a child or a victim, but it's hard to change your mindset and the dynamics of your relationship with your mother. professional advice will go a long way

eviltwin

currooney wrote: »

Yeah I realise that difficulties between parents and children are almost universal. Maybe I'm overreacting. Thanks so much for your reply and advice.

There is a difference between normal child/parent dynamics and emotional abuse. I've a child your age, we drive each other crazy sometimes but we always make up and move on and its a normal relationship until the next blow up. What I had with my parent was total detachment, insults were a normal part of life and we didn't have to be arguing for her to say something to bring me down. It was calculated and deliberate. See the difference?

If your mum was hitting you no one would be saying its normal or acceptable, why would you feel its any different just because it's words that are her weapons?

currooney

eviltwin wrote: »

currooney wrote: »

I have a 14 year old brother and he is in the same situation as I am. I struggled the most at his age and I seriously believe I suffered from depression but again I couldn't go to my mother for help, maybe I'm just looking for someone to blame but I think she was the root of the problem. On one occasion I told her I hadn't felt happy in months and she told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. This went on for 2 years or so, thankfully I'm back to my normal self now but I worry for my brother. I try to look out for him as best I can but my family as a whole are very distant and he doesn't talk to any of us very much. My father is around but again we're not close. An incident happened recently with my mother and I should have told him but I don't feel like he would do anything. He has sided with her in the past so talking to him is pointless.
Thank you I will definitely give that a read. Yeah I feel like we would get on better if we were living apart. I will be moving for college in September so hopefully things will improve.

Is there anyone at all you can confide in? I'd be very concerned for your brother being alone when you go to college. Would you talk to a teacher or relative? Emotional abuse is a serious issue and she shouldn't be allowed get away with it.

I've only spoken to my boyfriend about this and he thinks I need more help than he can give me. His mother knows that I have trouble at home and she looks out for me very well, she's the only adult I've semi-confided in. My brother is lucky in that all his friends live within walking distance so usually when he's finding things hard he'll go to one of their houses. This is the norm for us and we've learned to deal with it to a certain extent.
She's a little bit manipulative and she acts very childishly, shouting, stamping and slamming doors when she's in a mood. I never give her a reaction when she acts like this. The last two nights I've stayed in my boyfriend's house because she was awful to me the other day. Today she's acting like we're bestfriends which I hate even more because she thinks she can treat me like sh*t and then I will forgive her if she sucks up to me.

milehip

[quote="currooney;100154547". I really don't know what I'm looking for by posting this but it'd be great to hear about someone who was in a similar situation and got through it.[/quote]

hi currononey

I have a simmilar situation with my father and I really sympathize that its with your mother you have this problem as that would be the traditional parental unit most of us would look to for love and affection. I kept my frustrations bottled up for years and believe me that's not healthy, it sounds glib but I guess you just learn to deal with it but you never really get over it.

For you though at your age theres loads of time to take a different route I would urge you to follow your boyfriends advice and visit jigsaw, he sounds like a supportive influence in your life and hopefully you can help each other to become more independent of your mother.
I would also suggest getting some consueling with your mother in the future, it sounds like she has some issues with life and has taken them out on your,but that she probably loves you deep inside( sorry to end on another cliche).

Good luck

currooney

milehip wrote: »

hi currononey

I have a simmilar situation with my father and I really sympathize that its with your mother you have this problem as that would be the traditional parental unit most of us would look to for love and affection. I kept my frustrations bottled up for years and believe me that's not healthy, it sounds glib but I guess you just learn to deal with it but you never really get over it.

For you though at your age theres loads of time to take a different route I would urge you to follow your boyfriends advice and visit jigsaw, he sounds like a supportive influence in your life and hopefully you can help each other to become more independent of your mother.
I would also suggest getting some consueling with your mother in the future, it sounds like she has some issues with life and has taken them out on your,but that she probably loves you deep inside( sorry to end on another cliche).

Good luck

Thank you. I can only imagine how painful it would be to keep everything bottled up, I've only done that for a couple of years and I already feel the toll it's taking on me. I think I will head into jigsaw, I'm not very good at opening up so the prospect of talking to a stranger about such personal experiences makes me nervous but I need to suck it up. I can't see her ever being willing to go to counselling with me, when I do decide to get help myself she won't know about it. Thanks again.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm delighted to see that you are going to go talk to someone. One of the things many of us do is play down what's going wrong in our lives. It's easy to do - there will always be someone else worse off than you are. That doesn't mean that you're less deserving of counselling or that your problems aren't worth talking about to someone.

I don't have personal experience of a toxic parent but one of my friends grew up with one. Naturally there's a long back story involved which I'm not going to go into here. These days neither she nor her two siblings are on speaking terms with their mother. Even into their adulthood, the mother in this family still had (has..) the power to wound her adult children.

Even though you don't know if you're going to be able to open up, I think it's really great that you have decided to go talk to Jigsaw. If the first session doesn't go as well as you'd liked or if you don't click with a counsellor, please don't give up. go again and/or ask for someone else. Sometimes these things can take time.

milehip

currooney wrote: »

Thank you. I can only imagine how painful it would be to keep everything bottled up, I've only done that for a couple of years and I already feel the toll it's taking on me. I think I will head into jigsaw, I'm not very good at opening up so the prospect of talking to a stranger about such personal experiences makes me nervous but I need to suck it up. I can't see her ever being willing to go to counselling with me, when I do decide to get help myself she won't know about it. Thanks again.

If you have trouble opening up you could always write down your feeling before the session and let the consulser read them.don't worry they're trained to listen.I'm sure your boyfriend could accompany you in the beginning for moral support.

currooney

milehip wrote: »

If you have trouble opening up you could always write down your feeling before the session and let the consulser read them.don't worry they're trained to listen.I'm sure your boyfriend could accompany you in the beginning for moral support.

I like this idea. I'm wondering wether the counsellor would ask me questions or just kind of let me talk. I'm going to call in hopefully at some stage this week.

currooney

Odus fell down wrote: »

I'm delighted to see that you are going to go talk to someone. One of the things many of us do is play down what's going wrong in our lives. It's easy to do - there will always be someone else worse off than you are. That doesn't mean that you're less deserving of counselling or that your problems aren't worth talking about to someone.

I don't have personal experience of a toxic parent but one of my friends grew up with one. Naturally there's a long back story involved which I'm not going to go into here. These days neither she nor her two siblings are on speaking terms with their mother. Even into their adulthood, the mother in this family still had (has..) the power to wound her adult children.

Even though you don't know if you're going to be able to open up, I think it's really great that you have decided to go talk to Jigsaw. If the first session doesn't go as well as you'd liked or if you don't click with a counsellor, please don't give up. go again and/or ask for someone else. Sometimes these things can take time.

I've tried playing it down for a long time but I've learned that it has only left me worse off. It has affected me as a child and as a teenager but I don't want it to affect me to the same extent as an adult.

Ursus Horribilis

currooney wrote: »

I like this idea. I'm wondering whether the counsellor would ask me questions or just kind of let me talk. I'm going to call in hopefully at some stage this week.

All going well, there will be a lot of you talking and a certain amount of the counsellor asking questions. It's their job to listen and to help you get your issues out into the open. Then guide you with useful questions and say or suggest things that'll help you see things differently. The counsellor might also have tools or coping mechanisms to help you deal with your mother. You will never be able to change her but you can do a lot to help you.