Partners drinking causing huge problems

LegacyUser

My partner and I have been together for 7 years and have one child together. Throughout the whole relationship he has caused problems for us by drinking too much. The frequency of his drinking as well as the way he reacts to alcohol have caused a lot of pain for me.
Recently he ended up in another country after a weekend long bender. Yes you read that right. What was meant to be an evening in the pub with friends to watch a match for him turned out to be a weekend of missed calls and worry for me, not knowing where he was. Him and two of the lads ended up on a ferry and continued the session for another few days there. Neither of these two friends have kids, although one does have a girlfriend.

After the humiliation of me calling and knocking around to everyone trying to locate him he finally came home in a shocking state. I told him I couldn't do it anymore and was scared for how this could have a long term impact on our child. He moved out and after a few weeks we resumed contact and it had been going well, he'd been making a big effort to come see us at the weekends but just this weekend he never showed up. When he finally answered the phone he was drunk and telling me he'll do what he wants and come see his child whenever he wants to and that he doesn't have to answer to me. The last I heard from him was when our child took my phone from the table and tried calling him, only to hear him slur that he'll see her this evening and daddy will be there tonight. I have now put a lock on my phone so she can't do that as I don't believe it's fair on her.

I am also heartbroken, I thought after the fright of him moving out and only seeing us at the weekend that he'd realise how much he messed up but in all honestly I'm beginning to feel like he is loving the freedom and just picks us up and drops us as it suits him.
I don't know how to answer him when he says he can do whatever he wants and that he'll come see us whenever it suits him. It feels very unfair to have to sit in all weekend hoping we'll see him when he is out partying. Its cruel on our child and it is disrespectful to me.
I cannot remember the last night out I had, it's been years, literally. That's just part of being a parent but he doesn't agree at all and once he starts drinking he does the most ridiculous and hurtful things and causes irreversible damage to us. Then sobers up and acts like I'm the psycho for being upset.
Please advise me, I don't know how to handle this but it is extremely unfair and hurtful. I have tried so hard to make it work with him, I've forgiven so much hurt he's caused me and I've even fallen out with family because of him and his antics and now after everything he is back to his old ways again.

intheclouds

I'm really sorry to hear how difficult things have been.

Alcoholism is very difficult to come to terms with. It has a terrible effect on everyone. It's much better for your child not to live with an alcoholic. And for you.

You can't stop him drinking. Only he can choose to do that.

I think you should go to Alanon. It really helps. You learn how to cope with someone else's drinking. It would give you back your self esteem.

Ursus Horribilis

To be honest I don't think you can yet see just how much his alcoholism has coloured your way of thinking. You've never known a life with him without his drinking being a problem so that became the norm a long time ago. You've been enabling him too and perhaps only now are you coming to see this because he pushed the boat out that bit too far. You're not going to want to hear this but I think you will be far better off staying split up from him. He's not much of a partner as it is and unless he is willing to change, things will only get worse. Also you can't even begin to understand what effect this is going to have on your child. This isn't just about you and him.

Big Bag of Chips

lovedrunk1 wrote: »

Please advise me, I don't know how to handle this but it is extremely unfair and hurtful. I have tried so hard to make it work with him, I've forgiven so much hurt he's caused me and I've even fallen out with family because of him and his antics and now after everything he is back to his old ways again.

You are enabling him. It's that simple. You are smoothing things over, keeping the peace, making it easier for him. It's difficult not to. You cannot make him stop. You can't. You haven't up to now, so you're not going to in the future. He may stop of his own accord at some point, but he's not ready for that yet. There is nothing you can do for him.

But for yourself you can go to an Al-Anon meeting. It's a support group for people living with an alcoholic in their lives. You will realise that your story is unfortunately repeated many, many, many times all around your area. Look up "living with an alcoholic" and see what rings true for you.

You can't do anything about him. But you can start to take back your own life. For all these years you have been living your life for him. Time to start living your life for you.

Ignatius in bloom

Although hard i would plan your life now around your child and yourself. No alcoholic i know ever changed for someone else its a selfish infliction that unfortunately afflicts all those surrounded by it and no amount of pleading or begging or even pandering to them will change that. He will seek help or he wont but whats important is your own well being because that will have an effect on your child and could be detrimental to how she see's the world and her own self worth in it. The fact is he chose alcohol and not you or your child. It would be different if just you two were having problems and you separated and he put in place a routine where he see's his daughter on a regular basis but obviously not. Words are cheap and actions speak.