Had several serious arguements over sex, and nothings changed.

LegacyUser

Hi I'll try and keep this as concise as possible and easy to read.

I've being going out with my girlfriend for three years come september. Pretty comitted relationship lived with each other for a year and a half. Not currently living with each other.


The problem we've being having has persisted for the guts of a year and a half if not two years.

The problem we have is that she orgasms incredibly quickly while this was ok at first as we'd have sex multiple times a day.

When sex beccame less frequent down to maybe twice a week at some stage it changed to her orgasming as quickly as usual and me not being given the chance orgasm. She'd fall asleep after sex and I didnt feel like being the dick that wakes her up and goes my turn now.

This happened a few times and over a few months are sex become less frequent.

During this time her sex drive really slowed down, and she would often times rebute my advances, even just kissing for any length of time.

After a few months of this I just stopped trying. A combination of not wanting for her to reject me, or have what at this stage was sex that had become quite misserable.

I know during this time she had gained some weight and this was effecting her confidence.

Last august we had a pretty big arguement after which we went on a break for a month or so. The argument being over our sex life. At which we talked at length about the problem, we even talked about having a more open relationship where we were allowed other sexual partners. But decided against it.

I hate even having this discussion as invetibale it makes the next time we have sex even more awkward.

But anyways we've had this argument twice since months apart. The last time I told her we wouldnt be arguing about this again in the future that it would be best if we broke up.

Well the problem still presists, and I'm at the crossroads on whether or not to break it up with her.

I feel at this stage the lack of sex is pushing my feelings for her more towards plutonic then romantic.

Adding to that we seem to be on two differnt wavelengths sexually, which im starting to think will just continually cause problems.

I dont know whether to just break up with her, I had thought about talking to her about an open relationship again. As perhaps its just an area we'll never be able to match up in.

Its a perfect relationship besides that, breaking up because the sex isnt good enough seems a very shallow thing. Even though its very basic way of looking at a very big problemn.

BetsyEllen

I know many others will have a different view than me, but I am a firm believer that a relationship cannot survive without a healthy sex life.

You have talked and talked about it and nothing has changed.
If this were me (and it has been in the past) I would end the relationship (which I did).

I grew to see our relationship as platonic, just as you fear you may, and in the end I grew to resent him. The break up was hard; even though he was a fabulous person, kind and caring etc I just couldn't face the thought of a life without sex, or having sex that was a total chore with no enjoyment, l so I decided it was time to move on.

It hardly looks as though things are going to change in your relationship so I would face facts and end things.

And by the way, I must say your girlfriend sounds very selfish; after she's orgasmed she just pushes you off and goes to sleep? Who does that?!

ChampagnePop

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I know many others will have a different view than me, but I am a firm believer that a relationship cannot survive without a healthy sex life.

You have talked and talked about it and nothing has changed.
If this were me (and it has been in the past) I would end the relationship (which I did).

I grew to see our relationship as platonic, just as you fear you may, and in the end I grew to resent him. The break up was hard; even though he was a fabulous person, kind and caring etc I just couldn't face the thought of a life without sex, or having sex that was a total chore with no enjoyment, l so I decided it was time to move on.

It hardly looks as though things are going to change in your relationship so I would face facts and end things.

And by the way, I must say your girlfriend sounds very selfish; after she's orgasmed she just pushes you off and goes to sleep? Who does that?!

I have to agree with the last bit, it's one thing to not be in the mood for intimacy, but she's just being selfish. I'd question how someone like this could actuality care for their partner? Regardless of gender it's such a selfish thing to do.

stargazer 68

Op the amount of threads on here by people who no longer have a sex life is staggering. They start as yours has and gradually go down hill from there. The people in question knew this and carried on with the relationship and then regretted it later.

retro:electro

You've only been together three years; two of which have been blighted by your lack of a sex ife. Honestly, it's not going to change. I can tell you that right now. You're young and you have no ties, you should break up with her and find someone you're more compatible with. If you really want to keep trying then maybe she should visit her gp? If she has put on weight this could be a hormonal issue, however, the issue still remains that she's fairly happy to have herself satisfied and then roll over and go to sleep.

There have been countless threads here by men who have been made feel emasculated, humiliated and like sex pests for expecting a healthy sex life with the one they love. It's meant to be fun and something you both enjoy, it's not meant to be something you have to beg for.

beks101

Whatever you do don't marry this woman whilst this problem still exists. Good god the amount of "our sex life was non-existent...I thought getting married would change things...it didn't..." threads we see around here is absolutely mental.

Have you actually sat down and had a frank, neutral discussion about all of this as opposed to both getting defensive and yelling in each other's faces? As in, "I've noticed you're not as interested in having sex these days. Do you want to talk about it?"

Not a fan of ultimatums, but I think you need to make it clear to your girlfriend that you simply cannot and will not live in a sexless relationship. That you love her but you have needs. Is she willing to go to a couples counsellor with you? Is she willing to address the problem and does she realise what's at stake if she doesn't?

Loveinapril

Have you actually looked at what makes her orgasm so quickly and tried to change up how you have sex? Women rarely orgasm that easy so maybe omit toys or mix up the foreplay until you are both close to orgasm. She sounds super selfish though, and by rights should be trying to manage her own behaviour here.

retro:electro

Maybe she's not "orgasming quickly" though. She could be just faking it in order to get the deed over with as soon as possible.

crabbysamwich

anna080 wrote: »

Maybe she's not "orgasming quickly" though. She could be just faking it in order to get the deed over with as soon as possible.

This is exactly what I thought when I read the OP.

Penny Tration

anna080 wrote: »

Maybe she's not "orgasming quickly" though. She could be just faking it in order to get the deed over with as soon as possible.

This is probably true. I mean, what woman comes almost immediately then refuses to make her partner orgasm? Very very few people are that selfish and very few people who dislike sex orgasm, let alone quickly.

Tigger99

From the timeframes you mention it sounds like there was barely 6 months in the relationship where you didn't feel incompatible about sex. Op I'd be seriously concerned about your future happiness with this girl.

Dial Hard

beks101 wrote:

Whatever you do don't marry this woman whilst this problem still exists. Good god the amount of "our sex life was non-existent...I thought getting married would change things...it didn't..." threads we see around here is absolutely mental.

There genuinely should be a sticky about it at this stage, imo.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm another person who is highly sceptical about the orgasms. I've seem threads here from guys who've been tricked into thinking their girlfriends were having orgasms when in fact they were faking them. I remember a thread here from a guy who was convinced beyond all doubt that his girlfriend was having multiple orgasms and refused to entertain the idea that she was faking them. He knew what it was like apparently and that he'd not be fooled like that. She later told him it was all a lie and she'd been faking it. I'm not sure now but she may also have told him that she had never orgasmed with him at all. That's neither here nor there at this point. What I'm saying is that there are some convincing actresses out there who know how to use their kegels...

LegacyUser

I can very much relate to your post, except from the female perspective. We have been together years and the first two years the sex was great and now he isn't interested at all. He doesn't like kissing and he almost always shoves me off if I even try to cuddle him.
Anytime we do have sex its on his terms, when he initiates it and is over as soon as he's happy. He doesn't even try to let me enjoy it anymore. He literally hops on and off, doesn't even look at me and then ignores me. It's miserable but we do have children together and like you I feel like it's a shallow reason to break up their home. But I completely empathise with the feeling of being rejected all the time. It's horrible.
If I had no ties to him with the house and kids I'd probably call it a day even though I love him very much. The grief it causes with my own self esteem and body image is awful and I think it is inevitable that you start looking at yourself negatively after a few years of being rejected. It doesn't sound like you guys have kids so maybe it is time to move on. I don't think it is shallow of you because you have tried really hard to communicate the issues with her and she is really being very selfish and uncaring towards you.

Ursus Horribilis

Cynical old me wonders did she fake the orgasms and tolerate the sex because she wanted the companionship and all the other things that come with relationships. For all any of us knows, she might be asexual, she might be gay, she might have an incredibly low sex drive or she might not actually fancy you. I've read enough problems on this forum to not rule any of the above out. As the others have mentioned, there have been a shocking number of threads here from desperately unhappy men (usually) who are trapped in sexless marriages. There's usually children involved - which makes me wonder about their wives motivations... My advice to you is to cut your losses and move on. It's going to hurt like hell in the short term of course but in the future you will be glad you were brave and ripped the plaster off.

LegacyUser

After reading your post I feal sorry for the positon that your in. I would agree with what Odus fell down said that she could have been faking her orgasms and tolerate the sex as she wanted the things that come with a relationship.

I have seen both men and woman stay with people because they don't want or like to be on their own. Also for some people if they are in a relationship they can cover up the fact they may be gay, not like sex ect.

At this stage I would end things with her and be very honest aobut the fact on why this relationship is ending. You have given her several chances to change and improve things and meanwhile she has done nothing.
Yes it is not easy ending a 3 year relationship but why stay with someone who is not willing to make any effort to keep you.

Sapphire

I'm with the others in that I suspect she is faking it to get sex over with as soon as possible, OP. I'm sorry, that's got to sting

Lets say though for arguments sake, she really does orgasm that fast. The vast majority of couples likely don't always orgasm in perfect unison. More often one person comes first then the other one does. Sometimes its deliberate, sometimes its accidental, but one thing that they all would have in common is that sex continues until both partners are satisfied.

It sounds to me that your girlfriend has serious issues in that department. And is happy enough with the status quo of it, otherwise she'd have sought help. She makes a token effort when she knows she risks losing you over it but otherwise avoids intimacy until she cant and then makes it as quick as possible without any regard for your pleasure. Trust me, sex easily dwindles in a long term relationship. So if its crap now in the early days, multiply that crapness by 100 and that will be your sex life after marriage, or another 5 years down the line.

It's not really a perfect relationship except for this area. Rejection in the sack will also feed into how you feel as a person. Your self worth will take a hit. She avoids even kissing you now in case it leads to sex. Soon any kind of affection might be off the table for you. It has to be demoralising for you. Don't be tempted to band-aid it with an engagement and wedding to distract you from the reality it wont work and you will still be the same people with the same sex drives with extra jewellery and a contract that will take you a minimum of 5 years to get out of.

You've talked and she knows how serious this is for you. And she's chosen to not take on board how you feel. You cant change her, she's made it clear she wont change long term. So you do either have to stay and put up with it, or go by the looks of things.

SarahMollie

Her faking it was the first thing to spring to my mind too.

It just doesn't make sense that someone who apparently is able to get physical enjoyment from sex would want it to be over so quickly.

Give her the opportunity to be honest with you, but based on what you've said and how long all this has been going on, I wouldnt be too optimistic.

Sound Bite

Op, I'm also suspicious about the rapid orgasms.

All women are different but even at my most turned on, with the best lover I've ever had, I'd still struggle to orgasm in under ten minutes the majority of the time.

Also women are different to men in that even when we orgasm, we are usually happy to keep going in the hope of another one rather than just stopping.

There's also something really selfish going on here -who stops after their own orgasm? Most people will want their partner to finish too.

silverbolt

anna080 wrote: »

Maybe she's not "orgasming quickly" though. She could be just faking it in order to get the deed over with as soon as possible.

That was my thought too. I've had partners who either orgasm quickly or I know exactly how to get them there. But never have a i met a woman who has one orgasm and then decides enough's enough. Thats usually the male sterotype.

LegacyUser

I've no advice for the OP... just posting to say I'm married to a woman who orgasms extremely quickly. With certain toys it can literally take seconds. Without toys, it's still really quick. Then, after one, she's done. Like someone said, it's the male stereotype. But these women do exist.

Dial Hard

Beenthere16 wrote: »

I've no advice for the OP... just posting to say I'm married to a woman who orgasms extremely quickly. With certain toys it can literally take seconds. Without toys, it's still really quick. Then, after one, she's done. Like someone said, it's the male stereotype. But these women do exist.

Yeah. but does she push you away immediately after she orgasms and show a general lack of interest in sex? Because otherwise your experience really isn't relevant to the OP at all.