Girlfriends alcoholism

LegacyUser

I have a girlfriend who works shift work in a field where she usually is on her feet.. sometimes works early, other times may finish work at 11 pm other times 2/3am. The thing is literally after every shift she arrives home, a bottle of wine is uncorked. Or starts making gin and tonics . What ever alcoholic beverage she can find.

I honestly can say she drinks every day. At least 2/3 glasses of wine. And other times she would drink a bottle and a half or 2 whole bottles of wine. I do not drink often. I socially smoke. She can smoke a pack a day. When we first met she did not smoke or drink as much as she does now. Now It's having a clear effect on her physically, blotchy skin, excessive weight gain . She eats healthy sometimes other times a bottle of wine, crisps and a chocolate bar is dinner.

I make dinner and leave it out and it's sometimes not eaten. And I wake up to a kebab wrapper and an empty bottle of wine in the trash.

She functions like normal. Grocery shopping, helps with cleaning the house, drinking doesn't affect her work. Never late, no complaints. It's just when she gets home and starts drinking. We could plan to watch a movie. Sometimes she would be drunk 10 mins in and fall asleep.

If I criticise her drinking and smoking, she will probably cry and say I criticise her all the time. And I think I'm so perfect etc.

This is someone I'd like to start a family with, she also wants to start a family too. as she is now I do not want to start a family with her. The thoughts of health complications for my child and her . and the fact that smokers die young. Not a chance. She has made no effort to quit drinking and her pack a day habit.

She is 24 years old. I'm 26. I played rugby through all levels of education and at a provincial level too. So I take pride in staying healthy and in shape. I enjoy eating fast food too. I'll smoke a cigarette or two on a night out with mates drink a glass of house red.

And before you white knights start commenting I should breakup with her seeing as I don't have anything nice to say about her. Don't even start. I am simply asking you to advice me what I can do to address the issue at hand.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Your options are:

Tolerate her
Talk to her
Leave her

Its your call whether to tolerate her drinking, but if she's drinking this heavily at 24, it's not a good sign. And you don't need to look far to see the impact an alcoholic parent can have on children and a partner.

If you talk to her, it gives her the chance to decide if she wants to change. But you need to stick to being non accusational. It is her right to drink herself into a grave if she wants. Or to be a functioning alcoholic. It is your choice whether that is acceptable in a partner. That's what you need to communicate to her.

If she isn't willing to change and if her drinking is too much of a concern, then cut your losses and leave. A relationship is about compromise and understanding. Alcohol abuse will poison both of those.

I wish you the best, OP. 26 is no age to have to deal with this, but you sound like a decent guy and if you do leave, I'm sure you'll meet someone else who doesn't come with these issues and worries.

silverharp

run OP , its not the kind of risk you want to invite into your life. she sounds all kind of toxic , manipulative and selfish.

Lady is a tramp

I'd advise you to look for an Al-Anon meeting in your area - these are groups who provide support and advice for friends and family members of problem drinkers. Unfortunately it's unlikely you can do much to "fix" your girlfriend - if she's going to cut down on or quit alcohol, it'll have to be a decision she reaches on her own. But Al-Anon may help you to cope in the meantime, and decide whether or not you want to stay in the relationship.

Bear in mind that the amount of alcohol you're aware that she drinks may only be the tip of the iceberg. E.g. if she falls asleep ten minutes into a movie, it's probably not just the couple of glasses of wine you saw her have when she got home - she may have been drinking on the way home, or she may have bottles stashed around the house that she drinks from on top of the alcohol that you're aware of.

Depending on your location, there are options available ... e.g. Stanhope Centre are excellent if you're within their catchment area, they would be able to provide support and counselling for both you and your partner (if she's willing), all free as it's funded by the HSE. I'm sure there are similar services in most areas. Of course, first she'd need to acknowledge that there's a problem and be willing to address it.

Be aware that by confronting her about the problem, and expressing your concern about it, her reaction may just be to become more and more secretive about her drinking. Then again, perhaps it'll be the wake-up call that she needs to turn things around before her drinking becomes completely out of control.

I really hope you manage to work things out. Best of luck.

intheclouds

There isnt anything you can do about it. You didnt cause it, you cant control it, you cant cure it.

Only she can.

She may not be an alcoholic at all, she may just be in a rut of tiring shift work and wanting to unwind afterwards.

Or she may be an alcoholic in the early stages.

Id advise you to go to Alanon as well. Its for anyone affected by someone elses drinking.

Clearly it would be a terrible idea for you to have a child with her as the situation stands and its good that you see that.

You do need to talk to her.

Talk to her, tell her how it is making you feel, how it is affecting your life and ask her how she would like to address that.

Emme

OP it sounds like she is very stressed from her job and is bingeing (alcohol, cigarettes, food) as a way to escape. Is she a nurse or a carer or does she work in an area that is underfunded and understaffed? The erratic shifts are probably affecting her energy levels as well and she is eating crap as a short term way of keeping herself going. Does she also have a coffee habit? She is heading for burnout fast if she isn't already there.

She will make herself ill and will be unable to work if she continues the way she's going. Talk to her and see if there's any way you can help. She might need to get medical help or even change her job if it's affecting her that way. If you want to have a family with her she won't be able to keep up her current work pattern and care for a child.

mickrock

H3arye wrote: »

I honestly can say she drinks every day. At least 2/3 glasses of wine. And other times she would drink a bottle and a half or 2 whole bottles of wine.

This is a bit vague. So, most nights she might be drinking 2 glasses and occasionally 1.5 or 2 bottles.

H3arye wrote: »

She functions like normal. Grocery shopping, helps with cleaning the house, drinking doesn't affect her work. Never late, no complaints.

That's good.

H3arye wrote: »

It's just when she gets home and starts drinking. We could plan to watch a movie. Sometimes she would be drunk 10 mins in and fall asleep.

Or she possibly falls asleep mainly from extreme tiredness from work.

H3arye wrote: »

I enjoy eating fast food too. I'll smoke a cigarette or two on a night out with mates drink a glass of house red.

I know a few people who smoke "a cigarette or two" and "enjoy a glass of wine" but they smoke and drink a lot more.

How much do you smoke and drink on a regular basis?

Emme

mickrock wrote: »

Or she possibly falls asleep mainly from extreme tiredness from work.

I agree with this. She is working on her feet all day and if that weren't tough she's working varied shifts as well. Her sleep could be erratic. Maybe she drinks the wine to wind down because her body clock is all over the place.

Here is a link to a scholarly article on the effects of shift work. The OP would do well to read it.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3430894/

ChampagnePop

Emme wrote: »

I agree with this. She is working on her feet all day and if that weren't tough she's working varied shifts as well. Her sleep could be erratic. Maybe she drinks the wine to wind down because her body clock is all over the place.

Here is a link to a scholarly article on the effects of shift work. The OP would do well to read it.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3430894/

I have to agree OP, would she be drinking like this if she had a job with more consistent hours? She sounds burnt out. Can she get away from the shift work?

Skibunny77

I work in health and find it fascinating to see how people minimise or explain drinking as some of the posters have above. The vast majority of shift workers do not drink like this!! Op, you are absolutely justified to be significantly concerned about your gf's drinking which you describe as daily, min of two/three glasses, up to two bottles and/or spirits, lack of appetite, defensiveness/deflection when discussion about her alcohol use starts, these are all key signs that your gf is a problem drinker. She is drinking way above weekly standard drinks - (two bottles of wine in one night, is just a huge amount of alcohol - that's well over her weekly safe limits in just one night) and at a minimum, everyone should observe two alcohol free days per week. One of the key questions someone with a suspected alcohol problem is asked is 'has someone close to you expressed concerns about your drinking?' as people who do not have problem drinking patterns will be able to truthfully say no. Regardless of how anyone minimises drinking, daily drinking at these levels will inevitably cause liver damage - that is unavoidable. Am so glad you have put baby plans on hold, we know that children born to parents with drinking problems have poorer outcomes in a range of areas across their lives than those who do not.

As to what to do - Visit the Al Anon website. Start there. Many people successfully change their drinking but friends and lovers and relatives cannot do it for them. Al anon will give you advice on how best to proceed. Best of luck Op, this is an extraordinarily difficult challenge to overcome in any relationship.

Hazydays123

silverharp wrote: »

run OP , its not the kind of risk you want to invite into your life. she sounds all kind of toxic , manipulative and selfish.

I hope that's sarcasm

LegacyUser

I work in a bar. Similar shift patterns. Always on my feet. I also have a drink or two after work. Probably a max of three but seldom enough. Helps me go to sleep. If I didn't I'd be awake for two hours after my shift which could mean up until 4/5 in the morning. I would have a couple of drinks at home some nights I am off. Am I an alcoholic? Technically yeah I probably am. Does my drinking effect my job relationship with my wife or ability to look after my kids? Certainly not. Is the ops partner much different to me. I don't know. Maybe there is underlying issues whereby he will find fault in something else if this is resolved. That is my opinion.

silverharp

Hazydays123 wrote: »

I hope that's sarcasm

why would you think that? they are not married, I would advise anyone to end a relationship with a borderline alcoholic if they dont reform themselves quickly. the OP has to look out for himself first here

Hazydays123

silverharp wrote: »

why would you think that? they are not married, I would advise anyone to end a relationship with a borderline alcoholic if they dont reform themselves quickly. the OP has to look out for himself first here

So you know for a fact that she's toxic, manipulative and selfish from the OP's post? Maybe she's actually stressed and tired and has fallen into a routine of using alcohol as a crutch. Maybe all she needs is the support of somebody who loves her to get her into better habits.

silverharp

Hazydays123 wrote: »

So you know for a fact that she's toxic, manipulative and selfish from the OP's post? Maybe she's actually stressed and tired and has fallen into a routine of using alcohol as a crutch. Maybe all she needs is the support of somebody who loves her to get her into better habits.

he brings up the problem she cries and tries to turn it back on him, that is manipulative.

Hazydays123

silverharp wrote: »

he brings up the problem she cries and tries to turn it back on him, that is manipulative.

I wouldn't call that manipulation. I'd say it's quite typical for a person to become defensive when they feel criticized and to try and deflect the problem onto someone else. She may be in denial and trying to minimize the problem to herself.
I feel that the sentiment behind your posts is that people with addiction problems are intrinsically bad and undeserving of love or support. Run away as fast as you can, etc. You're wrong.