Wife's menopause effect on relationship

LegacyUser

Hi,

My wife and I are in out early 40s. She has been going through menopause (early) for the last year. She has zero interest in sex, the last couple of times have been disasters. Without being graphic it is obvious she is not interested. We have talked a little about it and she says she is not capable of it. To be fair to her it is tough, we have two kids under 10, so things are busy.

I am understanding, and I have explained to her that I love her and it's ok that she doesn't want to, but it is disheartening. For me, I feel the best I have in twenty years, I cycle, run and eat well. I just feel a bit depressed that things are where they are.

Has anybody gone through this? Does the interest come back?

Ursus Horribilis

Is she seeing a doctor? That'd be the first port of call in my opinion.

LegacyUser

otheropinions wrote: »

Hi,

My wife and I are in out early 40s. She has been going through menopause (early) for the last year. She has zero interest in sex, the last couple of times have been disasters. Without being graphic it is obvious she is not interested. We have talked a little about it and she says she is not capable of it. To be fair to her it is tough, we have two kids under 10, so things are busy.

I am understanding, and I have explained to her that I love her and it's ok that she doesn't want to, but it is disheartening. For me, I feel the best I have in twenty years, I cycle, run and eat well. I just feel a bit depressed that things are where they are.

Has anybody gone through this? Does the interest come back?

Boo hoo for you. Your wife is going through a very difficult and often horrible time in her life, no doubt dealing with hot flushes, night sweats, insomnia, vaginal dryness etc, as well as the psychological impact of going through an early menopause and all it brings with it. Put yourself in her position and I doubt you'd be too interested in sex. Maybe cut back on the cycling and running and perhaps offer to mind the children while she does something nice and support her through this difficult time.

crabbysamwich

I think maybe sex should be put down the list of priorities if your wife is pre/menopausal. It's not a lack of interest for sex with you. It's a physical process that is often painful (can be during intercourse). As above poster said, doctors would be first step to manage your wifes symptoms and well being.

eviltwin

Definitely get medical advice. Physically menopause can be hard but mentally at such a young age it could be really hard for her to deal with. Don't take it personally.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the feedback. She is talking to a doctor.

I know it sounds selfish to think about my desires, but to be fair to me, I am supportive. I put no pressure on her. I suppose I was wondering will it ever be the same again?

Emme

OP your wife needs to seek medical advice if she hasn't done so already. It mightn't just be menopause with her. She could have thyroid issues which cause fatigue and lack of interest in sex and can also contribute to an early menopause.

Does she work full time as well? If she does and is managing young children and a household no wonder she is whacked menopause or no menopause.

You say you're running and cycling a lot and you eat well. Does your wife eat well? If you're not contributing equally timewise to the children and household consider your priorities for the sake of your wife and your marriage.

Xterminator

poorwife wrote: »

Boo hoo for you. Your wife is going through a very difficult and often horrible time in her life, no doubt dealing with hot flushes, night sweats, insomnia, vaginal dryness etc, as well as the psychological impact of going through an early menopause and all it brings with it. Put yourself in her position and I doubt you'd be too interested in sex. Maybe cut back on the cycling and running and perhaps offer to mind the children while she does something nice and support her through this difficult time.

Uncalled for. case of a poster projecting thie own issues into the situation i suspect.

OP - you sound like you have been patient and understanding with your wife, but bottling up your own issues and feelings. And keeping them bottled up for a long period of time is not a good idea.

Perhaps you can continue being patient, as some poster have suggested maybe you could try to give your wife a bit of extra help at home etc?

But long term, you cannot hide your feelings forever. At some stage you will have to discuss with your wife how you feel. now may not be that time.

strandroad

otheropinions wrote: »

To be fair to her it is tough, we have two kids under 10, so things are busy.
...
For me, I feel the best I have in twenty years, I cycle, run and eat well.

Sorry but these quotes jump at me. So you're living such completely different lives under one roof, and she's dealing with medical issues on top of it (menopause is a bitch, and an early one must be an awful surprise). How come she's so busy and you're so happy and free? What can you do to balance it out?

Teyla Emmagan

She will be fine when she comes through it. But it may take a while. So you're just going to have to wait it out. She should definitely see a doctor though, HRT may be in option. In the mean time do what you can to help.

Wompa1

I was expecting you to get skewered by some of the commenters and for some to show no empathy toward you.

It sucks but you'll just need to see it through. It's a physical change and she can't help it right now. It may be a good idea to try and help even more than you do already since it's a difficult time for her.

Seasoned Ribs

OP don't be shamed into living a miserable existence. Of course it's important to want your wife to be happy as you love her, but it is also important to look after your own happiness. Quite clearly you need sex to be happy and that's completely normal. Explore all options to help your wife feel better and to help her regain her libido.

However, if the libido doesn't come back you need to find someone else to have sex with, it's as simple as that. You need sex and to feel sexually desired to live a happy life.

LegacyUser

mhge wrote: »

Sorry but these quotes jump at me. So you're living such completely different lives under one roof, and she's dealing with medical issues on top of it (menopause is a bitch, and an early one must be an awful surprise). How come she's so busy and you're so happy and free? What can you do to balance it out?

This is not accurate. How did you jump to thinking we are living different lives? I go running on my lunch and play football one night a week. That keeps me fit. We both work full time, and I certainly do half the house work. We are busy as are most others in our position. Just in my wife's case she is going through the menopause.

Thanks for the advice. Not sure I've reached the point where I would be looking outside for sex, as I would imagine our relationship might implode.

Emme

OP has your wife sought medical advice? Menopause affects some women more than others but it shouldn't be completely debilitating. A lot of what is written about menopause in the popular press is negative and can make women feel bad about themselves. A gentle yoga class might help her get her energy levels and confidence back. I know you're both busy but she will have to find time to do something to support her through this.

ceadaoin.

Im sorry but you are coming across as quite selfish. It's not about you, your wife has a medical issue, it is not her fault. It's great that you are fit and healthy and feel good about yourself but she doesn't right now. With time and medical help she will feel better. I'm not sure what else you expect her to do?

FortySeven

Patience and support op. As you have been doing. Masturbation for the forseeable future. Not much more you can do really.

Very surprised at the tone here for what was a very normal and honest question. It's not selfish to wonder or ask about the outcome of your wife's condition and it's effect on your sex life.

Some of you ladies need to cop on and realise that just answering the question without all the sisterhood guilt would be more helpful to the op. Accusing him of being uncaring and unhelpful because he is jogging? Assume much?

Emme

<SNIP> there are legions of men with your viewpoint clogging up bars, nightclubs and dating apps. Some pretend to be single, others come straight out with it and say "my wife doesn't sh@g me any more and I'm looking for some fun". It's pathetic and I'm sure the OP doesn't want to be like that.

Most women work outside the home and they work hard. Then they come home and do at least 50% of the housework and childcare. A lot of the work women do is invisible, ie the work they do isn't noticed until they're not around. On top of that they're expected to the be the perfect hot wife providing sex on tap for a horny husband who some people think has every right to go elsewhere unless his desires are fulfilled. It's not very politically correct but it's the view that comes across in some posts here.

The OP takes care of himself and it shows. He is very lucky that he can go jogging at lunchtime, many workplaces now have an unofficial culture of working through lunch and eating a sandwich at your desk. Perhaps his wife works in a place like this.

Some people cram domestic duties such as food shopping, picking up the dry cleaning, paying bills etc. into their lunch hour. Maybe the OP's wife is in such a position.

Despite the OP's wife's difficult menopause she is still holding down a busy job and doing at least 50% of the housework, childcare etc. At least.

Even so I think the OP's wife is being lazy and is using her early menopause as an excuse not to provide her husband with sex which is more important than anything else. Perhaps she could motivate herself to go jogging at lunchtime from her job and do yoga or pilates in the evening. I don't know what she eats but she shouldn't be tempted to grab a quick sambo and crisps if she has to work through lunch yet again. Even if she doesn't have time to go jogging at lunchtime like her OH. Even if she hasn't time to do anything in the evenings other than catch up on housework and childcare. Perhaps they should get an attractive au pair and if the wife isn't doing her duty the husband can sneak downstairs at night and get the au pair to keep him happy

OK, the last paragraph was meant to be ironic. In all seriousness many doctors see a woman in her 40s or a menopausal woman and no matter what she comes in to the surgery with he (it's usually a he) will say "oh that's the menopause, you have to put up with it for the next few years". Menopause doesn't help but there are endocrine problems which have similar symptoms to menopause such as underactive thyroid. Every menopausal woman who is having problems should get her thyroid checked.

If the OP's wife's health issues are properly addressed this situation need not last forever. If she gets the right treatment her health could be turned around sooner rather than later. If she feels bad about going through an early menopause counselling might help. If the OP feels very bad about his wife's present state of health and it's affecting how he feels about her marriage counselling might help.

I would recommend Dr Christiane Northrup's books on menopause for the OPs wife if she hasn't read them already. It might help the OP if he read them as well.

dudara

FortySeven wrote: »

Some of you ladies need to cop on and realise that just answering the question without all the sisterhood guilt would be more helpful to the op. Accusing him of being uncaring and unhelpful because he is jogging? Assume much?

@FortySeven - sweeping generalisations are not welcome here. Please read the charter before posting again.

dudara

eviltwin

I'm not sure having an affair is the best way to deal with a partner who won't sleep with you. Therapy, communication and understanding go a long way. If that doesn't work then ending the relationship. Cheating on her won't improve things at home and the OP clearly wants to improve things at home.

Menopause is more than just a physical process. Even after the physical side effects are gone the mental impact can remain. It's not always easy to accept you're never going to be able to have another baby. It can make you feel old, redundant and takes adjustment. This woman is in her early 40's, this has probably come as a terrible shock. Who knows if she and the OP were planning on having more children, even if they weren't its still nice to have the option.

The OP needs to be patient but they can get through it. Having an affair will cause more problems than it will solve.

eviltwin

Or he can put his needs on hold for a bit and try to work through it. It won't kill him and breaking up his family for a ride is a tad dramatic.

Colser

What do you think the chances are of his wife agreeing to an open relationship?Do you really think that's good advice seriously?

Big Bag of Chips

"For better or worse, in sickness and in health"?

Having an open relationship or ending the marriage are not the only 2 solutions.

batmanrobin

eviltwin wrote: »

Or he can put his needs on hold for a bit and try to work through it. It won't kill him and breaking up his family for a ride is a tad dramatic.

+1!

Swift left, it's not like she's suddenly gone off sex for no reason or is telling him he's never getting sex again. It's come about as a result of a medical problem. This is what separates it from those relationships where one partner just decides they're done with sex. Also, this is where the in sickness and health part of his marriage vow comes into play.

What the OP needs to do is to continue to be a good father and a good husband and to understand that this will pass. That they work through it together as a team. You don't just run when the going gets though. If that's a person's attitude then they should never commit to another person.