helping my best friend with her depression

silverbolt

Hey folks.

My best friend has battled depression for a long time but atm its really taking a bad turn for the worse. Frankly she is spiralling down and she doesn't know how to catch herself. There are things going on in her life (much of which she cant change and just has to battle through) and its this that is bringing her back down.

The last time she was on medication it just zombied her out and she has four children (three of them teenagers) so does not want to go back down that route. Other medications that she has tried did not help/had side affects She has had consulling before and cant get any more on the HSE and does not have the funds to pay for it.

Sadly she is also one of these ones that wont talk unless has no choice, she doesnt like turning to people for help (i can get it out of her but its like pulling teeth at times) - and honestly I'm very worried. I know i cant force it out of her. She doesnt have any family nearby either.

I cant change whats going on in her life but I've come up with some ideas that may help - I've been down the depression route myself and these helped me.

1. Getting her to sleep properly - she sleeps about 2 hours a night and then crashes for 12 every three days or so.
2. Eating - unless I'm with her and we go out for food she has this habit of just eating junk like biscuits and chocolate.
3. Get her off her phone somehow - she lives on it, either on social media or chatting to online friends around the world. This also contributes to her lack of sleep as she spends hours chatting to people around the world till stupid oclock in the morning.
4. Exercise. - I'm going to suggest the two of us going for a walk every evening. I work till half ten at night but while the weathers warm(ish) we can take advantage of it. It will be quiet and we can talk or just enjoy the silence.
5. Adult colouring books - sounds silly I know but these are reportedly very therapeutic.
6. Sleeping aids such as calming teas and lavender oil - she wont do pills.
7. - Reading, Im going to loan her my ereader already loaded with her favourite books. She needs to take time out for herself and have some quiet time - hard enough with teenagers (who can be very unruly) i know but she needs some alone and switch off time.

Thats what I've got so far, can anyone suggest anything else?

Thank you.

zoobizoo

What type of depression does she have?

There are different meds available so if the ones she was taking don't suit, there are others she can try.

Turtle_

It's interesting, a lot of what helped you either upset/frustrated me or I simply couldn't do (like sleep).

Has she got private medical insurance?

fluffybiscuits

If this was me I would get annoyed. You can help but this to me would border on the over bearing. You would be better letting her know you are there and then let her approach you.

LegacyUser

You're overly invested in your friends life. Take a step back before her problems become your problem.

Mark Tapley

Fair play to you for trying to help your friend. It sounds too much to me but you know your friend we don't. I think sticking with your friend and letting them know you are there is the best thing you can do. Depression can drive friends away and the ones that stay are gold.

silverbolt

zoobizoo wrote: »

What type of depression does she have?

There are different meds available so if the ones she was taking don't suit, there are others she can try.

Persistent Depressive Disorder.

Turtle_ wrote: »

Has she got private medical insurance?

No

fluffybiscuits wrote: »

If this was me I would get annoyed. You can help but this to me would border on the over bearing. You would be better letting her know you are there and then let her approach you.

She knows this - I'm not going to stand over her shoulder. But she doesnt know what to do or where to turn. That is why I'm trying to suggest things

Mark Tapley wrote: »

Fair play to you for trying to help your friend. It sounds too much to me but you know your friend we don't. I think sticking with your friend and letting them know you are there is the best thing you can do. Depression can drive friends away and the ones that stay are gold.

Thanks. We've been through a lot between the two of us. She's listened to me when I've needed her.

zoobizoo

I'd try to go down the meds route first.

I've a friend with bo-polar and it's teh first port of call.

Ms Doubtfire1

Been in that situation twice myself. She HAS to seek medical help again.No 2 ways about it. depression can (and often is ) a deadly disease.
Other things that can help:
Blue green algea supplement. Spirulina the most known. For the remainder, your list is pretty ok. Re meds: the doses can be adjusted to impact but not be in a zombie state. She needs to have patience with that so if you can in any shape or form, get her treatment. and please please..if you feel things are slipping fast, call 911

fluffybiscuits

Ms Doubtfire1 wrote: »

Been in that situation twice myself. She HAS to seek medical help again.No 2 ways about it. depression can (and often is ) a deadly disease.
Other things that can help:
Blue green algea supplement. Spirulina the most known. For the remainder, your list is pretty ok. Re meds: the doses can be adjusted to impact but not be in a zombie state. She needs to have patience with that so if you can in any shape or form, get her treatment. and please please..if you feel things are slipping fast, call 911

I would respectfully disagree with that. A lot of the supplements are not beneficial and effects are mostly placebo but again this is boards.ie so ....

Turtle_

Ms Doubtfire1 wrote: »

Blue green algea supplement. Spirulina the most known. For the remainder, your list is pretty ok. Re meds: the doses can be adjusted to impact but not be in a zombie state. She needs to have patience with that so if you can in any shape or form, get her treatment. and please please..if you feel things are slipping fast, call 911

No to the supplements.. And no to 911. Better off calling 999 or 112 in an emergency. You know, one of the actual emergency numbers..

There's a lot of self righteousness about this. Just because colouring books or placebos work for one person doesn't mean they'll work for everyone. Just because you think it's bad to have the nose in the phone doesn't mean it's a bad thing, if she finds it difficult to open up in person she might be finding it very helpful to have somewhere she can talk and get support.

The single best thing you can do is be there for her. Be patient - it can take ages to make any progress, you might hear the same problems over and over. Being there for someone doesn't mean trying to solve the problem for them, it means just being there and maybe agreeing that it does sound crap. It's not giving up on being their friend. It's not, I repeat not, being the person who fixes them.

If you want to help, ask what would help. Is it taking the kids to give her a day off? Is it going to the gp with her to help explain what she didn't like about the last lot of meds? But equally you might already be doing enough. If I had a friend who was all "take this, try that, don't do that, do plenty of this" when I'm at my worst I'd phase them out of my life because, as good as their intentions may be, they'd be putting way too much pressure on me.

Meeoow

Try and get her to yoga. I started a few months ago and it can help de stress.

Dravokivich

I've mates who have issues with various types of depression. All you can do really is be there for them and watch out for anything odd. The more you try to do what you think is help, can be somewhat interfering.

silverbolt

Thanks folks.

She knows I'm there for her, but she has to choose to talk to me, i cant make her. I'm going to listen to the majority on here and back off somewhat. If she wants me, I'm there but i certainly dont want to alienate or pressure her

CaoimheSquee

Would she go and talk to someone?
As someone who has suffered from depression for about 20 years now I know finding a good therapist is invaluable.
I am currently going through a relapse after being mostly well for the last 5 years and off meds for 3 years. However once I knew things were REALLY slipping I knew I had to go back and get professional help. Family stepped in and booked the gp too to discuss the meds.
I am back on them (dishearteningly so) and back in therapy and so far it IS helping.
Exercise, eating well - all of that have to be done too but you have to do this for yourself. You have to see you are not well and then try and help yourself. It's bloody hard but do you know what, with support its so much easier. This girl is very lucky to have such a dedicated and loving friend like yourself.
People suggested just saying you are there and let her come to you - someone who is really and truly depressed is highly unlikely to do that. Many friends of mine have said the same but I would never bother them really if it came down to it. However I do have a wonderful family thankfully that I have turned to when it's just got too much.
Suggest these things to your friend and follow them up but as you know, you can't force her. Professional help is a must really. Maybe if you say you will book the appointment and do all that end of it, all she has to do is turn up and then meet afterwards to have a chat.
I wish you both all the best, it's a tough time indeed.

orlyice

Mindfulness is something that works very well for me, I did 8 sessions in it run by the hse. I was under their care at the time (still am) and found it excellent. Really teaches you to live in the moment. Do 10-35 minutes of mindfulness meditation everyday, depending on what's going on. If your friend is attending psychiatric services I would advise you to see if they run these courses. If not there are privately run ones. She will have to pay but they are worth it.

Big Bag of Chips

Yeah unfortunately you can't do anything for her. It has to come from herself. But the nature of the beast is it's almost impossible to build up the motivation or desire to actually do anything yourself. Too much help is likely to make her feel under pressure to perform for you, and could result in her avoiding you.

Your best bet is probably to talk to her at a time where she's feeling good, and a bit positive. Maybe then you could suggest doing something together like a mindfulness course, or a course of meditation. It doesn't have to be framed in such a way as you organising her life for her, but more "I was thinking of doing x,y or z, would you come with me?". If you get her at a time where she is not feeling so down or hopeless then you might get a more positive reaction from her. I'd keep the suggestions to a minimum though. Nobody needs Mrs. Motivator coming at them at every opportunity when all they want to do is sit at home

Just be there for her. Listen to her more. Talk less. Hear what she is saying without offering "I think you should...." replies. Sometimes just having somebody listen and acknowledge you without trying to fix you is the greatest help.