What is a normal marriage?

workquerycs

I feel a bit silly asking this as I know there is no definitive answer to this question. I suppose I wanted to find out if my situation is normal enough or something a bit peculiar.

Married 15 years, together 17 years and my husband and I rarely talk about anything other than day to day life eg will i take mince out of the freezer. Don't forget to post that letter. Can you collect the kids.

I know familiarity can lead to apathy, and the stress of every day life can get on top of romance, but I often see people saying their husband /wife is their best friend and I wondered if it was bull****.

We don't see each other a while lot as we work opposite a lot to try and minimise childcare costs. However, when we do see one another we don't really interact. DH tends to watch TV and I go on my phone.
He is not interested in going out and likes to be left alone watching his shows and I tend to drift off around the house doing housework. Or we're putting kids to bed and emerge hours later.

The other thing is that he is not very interested in sex and rarely makes a move. If I make a move then things happen. Also, he is very prudish, and won't undress in front of me (bear in mind we have kids so clearly I've seen his penis) . As we don't see that much of each other, I've suggested sexting or Skype but he said he doesn't like that sort of thing. I have sent him the odd sexy pic and he likes them but won't come home and say Oooh, loved that photo. It's odd, I feel like I hardly know him even after almost 20 years!

Is it normal not to chat with your spouse and share everything? or are we more the exception? My parents died when I was young so I don't really remember their interaction and everything else is just sanitised by friends and colleagues -in other words , they'd never turn around and say Oh yeah, myself and Martin ignore each other and he bates the living ****e out of the cat to vent his frustration; it's all Luv u babez on FB.
Thanks

baby and crumble

Normal is relative. I've been with my fiancée 12 years and tbh we talk about everything- politics, history, we have our own hobbies but take an evening class together too. Now, we don't have kids so there's less organising to be done when it's only 2 adults. But tbh if I had a relationship like yours I'd be a bit worried. It's more like flat mates (and not even very close ones) that husband and wife.

Keane2baMused

Normal is an absolutely relative thing.

For some, going day to day with only a few words is the norm in their healthy marriage. For others that would be unthinkable.

The real question is are you happy?

I think going by your post there are aspects of your marriage you are not so happy with, which is something for you to explore further, ideally with your husband.

PLL

workquerycs wrote: »

Is it normal not to chat with your spouse and share everything?

Although you and others have said 'normal' is different for everyone. However, I do share everything with my oh and he is my best friend. I used to cringe years ago when people said that but genuinely he is the person I get excited about doing things with more than anyone else. We're engaged, together 6 years, have a 4 years old and I'm due another in September.

m'lady

As others have said, normal is relative to the person in question, and as a previous poster asked, are you happy?

Personally I wouldn't be happy in that type of relationship, I tell my other half everything, and I also look at him as my best friend, whom I look forward to seeing when we've been apart. We ensure to make time for one another, be it a night in or going on holiday alone..
Yes, we argue the odd time but who doesn't, and it's a healthy aspect of a relationship in my opinion.
Have you actually told your husband how you feel?

December2012

It's a bit much to go from no sex to sexting. That's a big leap!

Might be better off to find something non sexual to do together for a bit.

Can you watch a tv show together and then talk about it? Can you play cards? A board game? Can you share looking at stuff online (I mean interesting clips, nothing sexy).

You need to work on your getting on.

workquerycs

Thanks everyone. I find it hard to get privacy and alone time as our youngest doesn't understand privacy and our teen barely goes to bed before we do. Also, because he is so shy about things, I find myself almost getting embarrassed, if that makes sense. At least the sexting is at arms length!

Also, and I didn't want to put this in the earlier post as I knew it would colour the responses but part of the reason I won't sit down with him is he tends to drink a lot on his downtime and it upsets me. Also, if he feels that my opinion on something is invalid he will call it idiotic and get angry, or if I criticise his drinking or anything else he ignores me or shouts at me.

So I wanted to find out that if the drinking and shouting were to be removed from the relationship would the rest be normal enough.

Jenneke87

Nope, there's nothing "normal" about this in my opinion, not even without the drinking and the shouting which I think are big red flags in any situation. Any loving partner would not shut down your concerns and/or opinions with shouting and saying it's idiotic, it souds like he wants to twist things so you're the one looking like a nag instead of examining his own drinking and bad behaviour.

After 17 years you should know your partner like the back of your hand and be comfortable in his company, not feeling like you're living with a stranger and an unkind one it appears to be. Can I ask, what are you getting from this marriage, why are still with him?

Fakediamond

See, there's the elephant in the room that's not normal, the drinking, anger and disrespect towards you and your opinions. Without knowing everything, it sounds like it's all fine as long as you don't challenge him or his way of life, but a bit nasty if you dare to speak out or express your needs. Does he ever do anything nice for you? If he drinks a lot in his downtime, who does the kids stuff, picking up and dropping off etc? It takes both if you to create a healthy family life and drinkers can be like an absent partner/parent.

Are you content with your lot or feeling like there's something missing? It seems that you have a lot to think about. You've taken the first step by asking the question here, and hopefully will get some clarity and guidance from the responses.

Good luck.

fungun

At this stage, I think its fair to say that not a healthy relationship

workquerycs

fungun wrote: »

At this stage, I think its fair to say that not a healthy relationship

Ha ha, no I know that. But those things aside, I meant. I know you can't look at these things in a vacuum, of course, but say, if he were to go to rehab and/or (marriage) counselling, is there something that can be built from. In other words, there are people who are in a marriage, where you both get on and do your own thing, and not everyone is besties, and that is ok, right?

daisybelle2008

workquerycs wrote: »

Ha ha, no I know that. But those things aside, I meant. I know you can't look at these things in a vacuum, of course, but say, if he were to go to rehab and/or (marriage) counselling, is there something that can be built from. In other words, there are people who are in a marriage, where you both get on and do your own thing, and not everyone is besties, and that is ok, right?

I don't think so, little sex, no communication, verbal abuse is having very low standards for yourself. OP only you truly know if there is something that can be built from, was the relationship good before. Is there a desire to improve the relationship on both sides?
You kind of neatly are sweeping aside (minimising) the drinking and shouting abuse, those are a big deal and I can't see how he would entertain rehab if he doesn't see a problem. How bad is the drinking that you are now mentioning rehab? Have you suggested marriage counselling to him, is he in agreement? I would say you have major challenges, the lack of sex, intimate communication, the drinking and shouting, both parties would need to acknowledge the issue and work at any solution to fix it together.
To be honest you both seem to be in denial at how dysfunctional this relationship really is. To be honest I'd be making a decision to leave if no constructive effort is made.

crkball6

Yera, you're not married, you're sharing a house with an unwanted abusive housemate.

intheclouds

The thing is, you cant look at the relationship without the drinking and shouting because its the drinking that causes the rest of the relationship to be the way it is.

I presume the drinking has progressively gotten worse?

Its classic alcoholic behaviour, a near complete withdrawal from intimacy, a defensive and abusive reaction to criticism and no relationship beyond people who share a living space.

Theres no communication. When you said that you talked about mundane things like "will you leave the mince out of the freezer" - everyone does that. But I think most people in good relationships also talk to each other about how they feel about things, about shared interests, about abstract stuff like politics/philosophy (or whatever floats your boat), about dreams, hopes for the future etc...

If youre not talking to each other about any of these things - what exactly are you getting out of the relationship? No emotional support, and a bad reaction to criticism.

And the kids. Well, Im the child of an alcoholic and affected me from my earliest days. You learn about communication and relationships from your parents and if they have no communication and a dysfunctional relationship then thats what you grow up thinking is normal.