Being asked to RSVP to a wedding very early

vetinari

I'm a bit puzzled about the motive behind this.

I have a friends wedding at the end of September in Waterford (I live in Boston).
I originally got an invite a few weeks ago with a RSVP date of July 1st. I got married last year so the etiquette about timelines is still fresh.

Thought, that's a bit odd but didn't think too much about it.
Went on this guys stag party to Chicago a few weeks ago. (He lives in Philadelphia). At the stag party, one of the guys there (who would be a closer friend of the guy getting married) mentioned he hadn't gotten an invite yet. This guy is also married so he was puzzled at the timing of getting an invite with an RSVP date nearly 3 months before the wedding.

Today then, I get an email from the guy getting married asking if I had any idea whether we were going to be able to make the wedding.

To be honest, I'm a bit baffled as to what is going on here. I was thinking was there something like different RSVP lists, that would be quite rude though and the guy getting married would be smart enough not to do something like that. He'd look pretty bad if it came to light.

In terms of going to wedding, I'll probably go but it's a bit bizarre being asked about it in mid June when the wedding is at the end of September. The venue they're getting married at can seat over 200 guests so they shouldn't be in terrible trouble numbers wise.

Is there an obvious explanation for requesting a really early RSVP?
The guy in question made it from the States to my wedding last year in Ireland (I think it coincided well with plans they had for a european vacation).

Faith

Two possible explanations:

People who live abroad and need to plan holidays and flights were given earlier invitations to allow them to plan.

Or

They're inviting "waves" of guests, and they'll invite extra on the basis of the "No" responses they receive early on.

baby and crumble

The obvious answer is that because you have to come quite a distance they want to give you lots of time. It's perfectly normal to send out invitations to people who would have to travel a significant distance early. You're probably right about there being a couple of different "waves" of invitations, of which you are likely the first. That's actually a compliment because in essence they're giving you first refusal and plenty of notice to book flights and accommodation.

Why is your nose out of joint anyway? What difference does it make if it's an early rsvp? Surely you'd rather book flights early to get better prices?

bigpink

Id say the guests abroad prob getting invites first
Ud hardly want any shorter notice

CaraMay

It's not rude it's practical especially for people who would have to travel abroad. It would be rude to know whether or not you are going and not to tell them

vetinari

I'm trying not to get my nose out of joint.
That's why I posted. I just haven't come across this before.
I've never had to confirm if I was going to a wedding 3 months out before.
I have a few different personal things going on at the moment so it's hard to 100% commit to going 3 months out.
I understand the viewpoint about booking flights well in advance. It's less applicable for the end of September as you're outside peak summer months.

edit: As a comparison, we had plenty of invited guests from abroad at our wedding and the RSVP date was 6 weeks out for everyone.

goldenhoarde

As already stated because you need to travel so its better for you to be told early so you can book flights and you will need to stay so giving you dibs on accommodation most likely

afatbollix

Just RSVP if you are probably going to go and that will solve your problem & there problem.

Water John

English weddings tend to have a very early RSVP date TMK. Months ahead, and they get very excited when all the Irish relatives on the other side haven't bothered answering 3/4 months ahead.

ChewChew

Op, I agree with the scenarios already outlined but it you're so unsure and the groom seems to be a good pal of yours then why not just tell him that yes you most definitely want to go and have every intention but can you have a little extra time because you have X, Y or Z to deal with first. Any decent mate will totally understand your predicament!

Milly33

Sorry but would be thinking your reading too much into it.. Just ans yes or no.. Can you make it or can you not, if you went on the stag i would be thinking you had the intent of going so their should be little to no confusion

Wesser

Don't see what the issue is. Just answer yes or no.
Omg etiquette timelines ..... Yawn!! My "friend" who got married last year got so stiffled with etiquette that herself and the husband lost their best man in a row. I think best to just reply and get on with it.

baby and crumble

Tbh I'll be sending out invites a good 2-3 months ahead of time as we're getting married in peak Christmas party season. What's the big deal? Like others have said, say it to your friend that you're 90% certain you'll go but you've stuff to sort first.

6 weeks was all well and good when people got married like 3 months after getting engaged because they couldn't wait to have their end away on the honeymoon but now people's diaries fill up fast, why not get the jump on things?

Stheno

My sister is getting married the end of October and sent out invites in April with an RSVP of 31st May

whatdoicare

I wouldn't consider 6 weeks enough time for people travelling from abroad. If I got an invite that late I couldn't go between trying to book time off work and juggle finances.

The groom is doing the right thing giving those travelling from abroad or distances plenty of time to arrange things and know where they stand.

ChampagnePop

I've been asked to confirm my attendance to a wedding BEFORE they printed the invites! It was understood that I was not getting an invitation unless I agreed on the spot that I'd go.

I didn't go to that wedding lol

Sleeper12

Some couples getting married can't afford to invite everyone that they might want. It's possible if you message back now that you can't make it then they might be able to invite someone else.

ThatGeekGirl

I'm getting married next June and while at my cousin's wedding in April of this year, my family from Canada and France wanted to know if I had set my date yet because they wanted to plan ahead to make sure they got decent flight prices and took time off work. My aunt in particular has the type of job that she needed to have alot of notice to ensure that she would be given the time off. I think that is fairly reasonable for those living abroad to ask? Also, I thought the general idea is 10-12 weeks before the wedding for invites? sure that is nearly 3 months anyway.

conndeal

My cousin got married two years ago. His mother spoke to the aunts and uncles before the invitations were issued and said all the cousins would be invited and would be very welcome. However if we knew beforehand that we were not able to go, to tell them and he would be able to invite more people as his numbers were limited. I fully understood this and was not one bit upset.

Last year my brother and wife were invited to a wedding two days before the ceremony by the groom. He has forgotten him but really wanted him there. They laughed about it and went and had a great day.

cant26

Received an invitation in January for a wedding in October. The rsvp is the end of June. It's a destination wedding so I'm assuming that's why they went out so early. No big deal!

Gatica

vetinari wrote: »

I'm a bit puzzled about the motive behind this.

I have a friends wedding at the end of September in Waterford (I live in Boston).
I originally got an invite a few weeks ago with a RSVP date of July 1st. I got married last year so the etiquette about timelines is still fresh.

Thought, that's a bit odd but didn't think too much about it.
Went on this guys stag party to Chicago a few weeks ago. (He lives in Philadelphia). At the stag party, one of the guys there (who would be a closer friend of the guy getting married) mentioned he hadn't gotten an invite yet. This guy is also married so he was puzzled at the timing of getting an invite with an RSVP date nearly 3 months before the wedding.

First of all, it's a shame that you're questioning "motives" about someone who's your friend. Also, what you thought was proper etiquette for weddings isn't necessarily something someone else is going to adhere to. The rules may have been set in stone decades ago but nowadays most couples will do things as they suit them best.
The RSVP dates may have been much earlier than other weddings you've come across, but so what. Isn't it great that it gives you the chance to plan your trip and flights early and get better prices?

vetinari wrote: »

Today then, I get an email from the guy getting married asking if I had any idea whether we were going to be able to make the wedding.

To be honest, I'm a bit baffled as to what is going on here. I was thinking was there something like different RSVP lists, that would be quite rude though and the guy getting married would be smart enough not to do something like that. He'd look pretty bad if it came to light.

We let some people know pretty early what the dates were so they could make travel arrangements if they wished to attend. Also, different invitation waves are not unusual. You can of course have an opinion on its rudeness, but bear in mind for some people this is a way to appease nagging family members about inviting far off relatives and neighbours.
It might be mortifying between the couple and the second/later waves if it comes to light, but certainly people invited first are probably the ones they actually really want there.

vetinari wrote: »

In terms of going to wedding, I'll probably go but it's a bit bizarre being asked about it in mid June when the wedding is at the end of September. The venue they're getting married at can seat over 200 guests so they shouldn't be in terrible trouble numbers wise.

I don't know how close you are to this bloke but really no one can know how many people they may want to invite or even be pressured into inviting, so your perceived acceptable venue size doesn't necessarily reflect their reality.
If you're probably going, then just be a decent friend and RSVP. If you're not sure for a good reason then talk to them and tell them you'll probably go but you'll know for sure by X date, because of Y.

vetinari wrote: »

The guy in question made it from the States to my wedding last year in Ireland (I think it coincided well with plans they had for a european vacation).

Again, you seem to be a bit cynical about their motives. Maybe it's just the nature of your relationship with this guy, I dunno, or you should stop and give people a little bit of the benefit of the doubt. My 2C.

ChampagnePop

I was considering two waves- family then friends, is that bad? I don't want to offend anyone but there's a list of people I have to invite and a list of people I want to invite and they're not the same list!
It would also help heaps with accommodation etc to plan numbers more by getting one set of numbers in early!

sigmundv

I don't see the issue here. 3 months is not a long time whatever you might think.

Milly33

ChampagnePop wrote: »

I was considering two waves- family then friends, is that bad? I don't want to offend anyone but there's a list of people I have to invite and a list of people I want to invite and they're not the same list!
It would also help heaps with accommodation etc to plan numbers more by getting one set of numbers in early!

Oh some will be all yes it is bad and some wo'nt..I am defo the it wont..
My side has a massive family so I sent all the abroad ones out first to relatives and friends, got ans. Then back to family at this side and a few friends etc..Had like an whole day and afters list and it worked very well.. Being honest the people that go OMG I was a second wave invite I would have the thinking OMG so there goes your invite

SarahMollie

ChampagnePop wrote: »

I was considering two waves- family then friends, is that bad? I don't want to offend anyone but there's a list of people I have to invite and a list of people I want to invite and they're not the same list!
It would also help heaps with accommodation etc to plan numbers more by getting one set of numbers in early!

FWIW, I think Family then Friends is a good clean divide that can be easily explained. Wouldnt go drawing attention to it though, so if no one notices, then even better.

Back to the OP, I'm also struggling to see what the problem is. We're attending 5 weddings, 2 of which are abroad. Actually in all cases, because we're friends with the various couples, we knew the dates well in advance and in some cases had already made our travel plans before the formal invite arrived. We knew we were invited, and they knew we were coming, because we're all friends in regular contact. Simples.

I'm a bit unsure as to why you're assuming something underhand is going on here.

neris

Wesser wrote: »

Yawn!! My "friend" who got married last year got so stiffled with etiquette that herself and the husband lost their best man in a row.

Spill the beans there hasnt been a good bridezilla/wedding bust up story on here in a long time

hotmatottie10

I got invited to a destination wedding with a 4 week rsvp i couldnt afford to say yes, even though the wedding wasnt until 3 months later. So simply because of the rsvp date i had to decline as i thought it rude not to answer, i know some people dont bother replying or do lately which i find extremely rude personally. When i sent my invites for my wedding i will send first invites to the family abroad 4 months beforehand easily and then they have enough time to save or book or more options should they wish to come.

jlm29

ChampagnePop wrote: »

I was considering two waves- family then friends, is that bad? I don't want to offend anyone but there's a list of people I have to invite and a list of people I want to invite and they're not the same list!
It would also help heaps with accommodation etc to plan numbers more by getting one set of numbers in early!

If you're doing this (and I personally wouldn't, but then I'm not in a position where I would need to, because I have a small family, and so does my other half), just make sure you give plenty notice to everyone- my mam got an invite to a wedding a few years ago, three days before the wedding. It was quite obviously an afterthought, and it was very rude!

ChampagnePop

jlm29 wrote: »

If you're doing this (and I personally wouldn't, but then I'm not in a position where I would need to, because I have a small family, and so does my other half), just make sure you give plenty notice to everyone- my mam got an invite to a wedding a few years ago, three days before the wedding. It was quite obviously an afterthought, and it was very rude!

Oh, I was thinking 16 weeks and 10 weeks kinda thing, maybe I should just invite everyone at the same time - I'm overcomplicating things maybe.

eviltwin

Don't see the issue. I think it's good manners when people are travelling from abroad that they get as much notice as possible. They may need to book holidays from work etc.

vetinari

Gatica wrote: »

vetinari;100111329

The guy in question made it from the States to my wedding last year in Ireland (I think it coincided well with plans they had for a european vacation).

Again, you seem to be a bit cynical about their motives. Maybe it's just the nature of your relationship with this guy, I dunno, or you should stop and give people a little bit of the benefit of the doubt. My 2C.

I think you mis interpreted my meaning. I was very glad he made the wedding.
I wasn't expecting him to make the wedding as it's a big undertaking to travel from the States to Ireland for a wedding.

Anyways my question has been answered. I hadn't been exposed to weddings with early RSVPs before it seems from posts here a lot more common than I thought. Thanks everyone.

Gatica

vetinari wrote: »

I think you mis interpreted my meaning. I was very glad he made the wedding.
I wasn't expecting him to make the wedding as it's a big undertaking to travel from the States to Ireland for a wedding.

Anyways my question has been answered. I hadn't been exposed to weddings with early RSVPs before it seems from posts here a lot more common than I thought. Thanks everyone.

maybe... I just think when you mentioned "I think it coincided well with plans they had for a european vacation" it sounded like you didn't think they'd bother to go to your wedding, except that it was convenient because they were already coming to Ireland. You were just mentioning an ulterior motive twice in your OP

Maireadio

Is the groom's closer friend living in Ireland? Because if so, you living abroad is almost certainly the reason for the earlier invite to him.

vetinari

The groom's closer friend also lives in the States

Gatica wrote: »

maybe... I just think when you mentioned "I think it coincided well with plans they had for a european vacation" it sounded like you didn't think they'd bother to go to your wedding, except that it was convenient because they were already coming to Ireland. You were just mentioning an ulterior motive twice in your OP

I wasn't expecting that he'd make the wedding. I'd only have a few very close friends that I'd 100% expect would travel from the States to Ireland for my wedding. It's a big money and time commitment. I was glad he was able to make it though.

Maireadio

vetinari wrote: »

The groom's closer friend also lives in the States

Hmmm, then it is strange that you would get an invite before him, seeing as you both live in the States and he is a closer friend to the groom. I really don't know what to advise!

PLL

How about this... Got an invite in May this year for a wedding happening in England in July 2017. Being asked why we haven't RSVP'd yet and that there is no room left in the hotel so we'll have to camp or stay 5 miles off site. The worst part is that the groom is my oh's brother... and we have a child and I'm pregnant with another. As I'm planning my own wedding I know basic etiquette would entail offering your sibling (who is obviously feckín coming) with 2 small kids a room. Oh no, these people would seriously make you want to elope. Head wrecking stuff.

ChampagnePop

PLL wrote: »

How about this... Got an invite in May this year for a wedding happening in England in July 2017. Being asked why we haven't RSVP'd yet and that there is no room left in the hotel so we'll have to camp or stay 5 miles off site. The worst part is that the groom is my oh's brother... and we have a child and I'm pregnant with another. As I'm planning my own wedding I know basic etiquette would entail offering your sibling (who is obviously feckín coming) with 2 small kids a room. Oh no, these people would seriously make you want to elope. Head wrecking stuff.

Oh no, how inconsiderate. Do they know your also expecting?

Sligo1

PLL wrote: »

How about this... Got an invite in May this year for a wedding happening in England in July 2017. Being asked why we haven't RSVP'd yet and that there is no room left in the hotel so we'll have to camp or stay 5 miles off site. The worst part is that the groom is my oh's brother... and we have a child and I'm pregnant with another. As I'm planning my own wedding I know basic etiquette would entail offering your sibling (who is obviously feckín coming) with 2 small kids a room. Oh no, these people would seriously make you want to elope. Head wrecking stuff.

Wow, they just sound like a very very strange couple (sorry I know they're family...).