I've ruined everything

Zennith

Hi all,

I'll need you to forgive me on this thread as it may meander.

I feel like the title here is not an over reaction. i know in advance what I done is wrong.

I'm a constant liar.....(bar this as know one knows me here). I've broken my family's heart for many years.... 12 to be exact. It started off with lying over small things but now I nearly lie about everything.

Worse still is that I also started taking money sometimes with their knowledge but mostly not. Small amounts at first from a relation but then escalated. I would pay it back sometimes other times not.

But now it's just habit and it feels like something that I need yet I know I don't. I have a good job. Now I do realise this is stealing and illegal. Yes I will admit it's completely wrong and a sh1t thing to do. I'll hold up my hand to it. I've also taken a loan out to pay back the amounts that I never replaced

I admitted this to my family but have also been telling them lies. It feels like I'm trying to make it out that I've really succeeded in life. Which I have but even more so. I tell people I've worked in other countries etc. It's gotten to the stage where I nearly believe it myself.

The lies have also cost me relationships. But now I've met someone I genuinely love. I haven't told her any of the above andI haven't told her my bullsh1t lies.....yet. And I don't want to. I also don't want to break my family's hearts anymore..... I just feel trapped and I don't know where to start or to get help.

I do suffer with depression and I do drink heavily (this does not impact day to day but I do bing at least once a week).

I feel like I've destroyed everything thing good in my life and I want to make amends but what do I do wherr do I start.

I'm agraid that this stage I can't but I'm so ashamed. At times I feel total apathy others I don't and can well up over something on tv. I don't even know if I truly feel guilt or is it that I got caught out on things.

Please help me....at this stage I just feel totally lost....and sorry for this incoherent pist

December2012

Have you sought the help of a mental health professional, to help you realise why you are in this spiral of lying, and robbing, and to help support you to recover?

Zennith

December2012 wrote: »

Have you sought the help of a mental health professional, to help you realise why you are in this spiral of lying, and robbing, and to help support you to recover?

I have......but I've found that they just prescribe antidepressants. I have tried therapy. Though I could never find a good fit. I am going back to another GO that was recommended to me but at this stage I don't know.....

Penny Tration

Zennith wrote: »

I have......but I've found that they just prescribe antidepressants. I have tried therapy. Though I could never find a good fit. I am going back to another GO that was recommended to me but at this stage I don't know.....

Have you seen a psychiatrist? Or have you just seen a GP and a therapist?

You should be asking to be referred to a psychiatrist, so you can get a proper diagnosis (if it's indeed a mental health condition) and treatment plan, rather than just meds from your gp.

tawnyowl

Zennith wrote: »

I have......but I've found that they just prescribe antidepressants. I have tried therapy. Though I could never find a good fit. I am going back to another GO that was recommended to me but at this stage I don't know.....

Sometimes you might not find the first therapist a good match and you might have to try a couple more.

Zennith

No I haven't seen a psychiatrist previously. GP has always referred me to a counsellor. It is something that I have asked for in the past......

racso1975

Hmmm it is a predicament alright......

Well first off you are obviously holding down and performing well in a good paid job. You also have a girlfriend that you love that you have not lied to. There is obviously something with-in that relationship that you do not want to spoil and for some reason you do not feel the need to blow up how great and successful you are to her compared to others. It would be worthwhile considering why that is?

Presumably looking at the lies you have told you told them so that people would admire you more resulting in them liking you? If so what is it about the ordinary you that you don't like or fear others won't like?

In relation to stealing the money. You now fully intend to pay it back by taking out the loan which is certainly the right thing to do. But again what was the root cause in taking it. The buzz of it? cause going by your post I doubt you were desperate for it.

I will not go into the depression treatment bar to say that the drinking is always always always not going to mix well. It can really affect our humour be it make us hyper or more depressed and thats before you even look at the next day hangover!!!!

While you have been completely honest with your g/f at some point you will need to address your past with her. It always comes out and it could very easily taint her opinion of you etc these things are always better coming from you rather then her having to bring it up or worse not bringing it up and forming her own opinion. However you are probably emotionally a bit raw at the moment given you have confessed all here and are looking for treatment options. It might be worth waiting till you are in a better place emotionally.