To use Grindr or NOT to use Grindr

jamie124

Hello There,
So I am an 18 year old gay guy and I am very curious about this app.
But I want to know other people's thoughts and views on it first and just to be safe!
Is it just an app for hooking up - you know like JUST sex? Or can you use it to make friends or start relationships?
I would really love to make some LGBT friends and wouldn't mind a relationship with another guy. I mean come on let's face it it is incredibly difficult to find a relationship as a gay guy!
Thank you xx

reason vs religion

jamie124 wrote: »

Hello There,
So I am an 18 year old gay guy and I am very curious about this app.
But I want to know other people's thoughts and views on it first and just to be safe!
Is it just an app for hooking up - you know like JUST sex? Or can you use it to make friends or start relationships?
I would really love to make some LGBT friends and wouldn't mind a relationship with another guy. I mean come on let's face it it is incredibly difficult to find a relationship as a gay guy!
Thank you xx

Personally I'd advise Tinder first. Friends through Grindr does happen, but usually not, and even less rarely without it first involving sex. Plus Tinder allows you filter out older guys who would inundate your eighteen y/o's inbox on Grindr! : p

Rick_

Agreed, friends and relationships are not the main reason why most people use Grindr. I'm not saying you can't/won't find friends and relationships through it (I certainly have) but as a starting point, I would try something like Tinder.

sierraecho

OP I'd take Pad e and reason vs religion's advice and start with Tindr, People seemed a lot more genuine on there and you're more likely to meet people. Grindr is grand if all you want is one night stand or a bed buddy, but was riddled with bots, fake profiles and time-wasters when I used to use it.

Thankfully I'm no use for either anymore.

LLMMLL

reason vs religion wrote: »

Plus Tinder allows you filter out older guys who would inundate your eighteen y/o's inbox on Grindr! : p

Oh those terrible older guys. How dare they message someone they're attracted to. They should commit suicide at 30 years old or at least go into hiding.

jamie124

Thanks for all of the advice guys

Iopu

Yeah tinder is much better. Grindr is full of blank pages looking for hookups. And they all use the same lines "any more pics" etc.

jackinthemix94

LLMMLL wrote: »

Oh those terrible older guys. How dare they message someone they're attracted to. They should commit suicide at 30 years old or at least go into hiding.

It's creepy when old dudes message you. Why can't they realise that and stick with people of a more suitable age .

sierraecho

jackinthemix94 wrote: »

LLMMLL wrote: »

Oh those terrible older guys. How dare they message someone they're attracted to. They should commit suicide at 30 years old or at least go into hiding.

It's creepy when old dudes message you. Why can't they realise that and stick with people of a more suitable age .

Creepy is a bit OTT now, but in a way I can agree with what you are saying from a dating perspective. It can be hard to relate to each other if the age gap is too large.

I dated someone 12 years older then me once and a lot of the time I found it was hard to find things to do we were both interested in.

reason vs religion

LLMMLL wrote: »

Oh those terrible older guys. How dare they message someone they're attracted to. They should commit suicide at 30 years old or at least go into hiding.

Em... Well, I really don't think this needs explanation, but anyone who has used dating/sex apps when they're young will know that there is a particular recurring character that is 40+ and pervs almost exclusively on guys who are 18/19. Will forcefully ask for pictures and meets. You see it in clubs too. It's such an uncomfortable experience for someone new to the scene, as I can attest. I have nothing against inter-generational sex or relationships. Almost went for a threesome when I was twenty with a couple who were in their late-thirties. But they were respectful in how they approached me and didn't pressurise.

LLMMLL

reason vs religion wrote: »

Em... Well, I really don't think this needs explanation, but anyone who has used dating/sex apps when they're young will know that there is a particular recurring character that is 40+ and pervs almost exclusively on guys who are 18/19. Will forcefully ask for pictures and meets. You see it in clubs too. It's such an uncomfortable experience for someone new to the scene, as I can attest. I have nothing against inter-generational sex or relationships. Almost went for a threesome when I was twenty with a couple who were in their late-thirties. But they were respectful in how they approached me and didn't pressurise.

You just notice them more because they're older and you don't want their attention. I can honestly say I've been inappropriately groped by as many guys under 30 as older guys and on grindr there are 3 people who constantly message me even though I never respond. One is older, the other 2 are both in their twenties. If a guy you fancy gropes you you don't even consider it inappropriate. If a young guy you don't fancy gropes you you think "I wish this drunk idiot would get lost". If an older guy does it you think "old perv". It's the same behaviour, the problem is your interpretation.

And that's groping. Getting a few messages on grindr from someone you're not attracted to is not the end of the world and doesn't make someone a perv. And you do realise you're going to be old someday right? you think you're going to be automatically attracted to other 50 year olds? And even if you never message a poor fragile younger guy you will still have to listen to them label older guys as "creepy"?

Here's a good example. There are many negative gay stereotypes. How do you feel when someone goes online and says something like "oh dont hang around with gay guys, they're predators" and then as a defense says there's a particular type of gay who this is true of. You'd think they're an idiot.

LLMMLL

jackinthemix94 wrote: »

It's creepy when old dudes message you. Why can't they realise that and stick with people of a more suitable age .

jackinthemix94 wrote: »

It's creepy when old dudes message you. Why can't they realise that and stick with people of a more suitable age .

That's really ignorant. So someone you don't find attractive messages you. I guarantee you've messaged guys who did not want your message and did not find you attractive. Why is it ok for you to do it but not someone older? You've just ignorantly bought into a culture that demeans older people and their sexuality. You could try and be a more well rounded human being by realising that they're not doing anything terrible to you and you can either ignore or give a generic no thanks message, just as you would to a 20 year old you're not into.

_Redzer_

I'm sceptical of friendships from Grindr because at its very core the friendship is based on attraction and often has a more sexual undertone to it. Friendships can follow from them of course, but in my own experience 99% resulted in the lad trying me at one point or another. A lot of this has lead me to checking out of them.

If you could join clubs or try and meet gay people out and about and try and get to know and form friendships that way, where you're not forced to pick them in a shallow way like basing them off their profiler, I think it would lead to a more natural friendship -like you would develop with any straight person you'd meet.

IMO I think Grindr and tinder are better for finding sex or relationships depending on what you're looking for because you're picking people based on what they look like and who you'd like to get with. Through dates this narrows down the guys who you're suited with and a relationship can come of that.

Grindr is more sex orientated and tinder is more relationship orientated because there's less of a hook up vibe on it. But that's not to say you couldn't find a boyfriend through the former.

Try both out, keep an open mind and see what happens.

reason vs religion

LLMMLL wrote: »

You just notice them more because they're older and you don't want their attention. I can honestly say I've been inappropriately groped by as many guys under 30 as older guys and on grindr there are 3 people who constantly message me even though I never respond. One is older, the other 2 are both in their twenties. If a guy you fancy gropes you you don't even consider it inappropriate. If a young guy you don't fancy gropes you you think "I wish this drunk idiot would get lost". If an older guy does it you think "old perv". It's the same behaviour, the problem is your interpretation.

And that's groping. Getting a few messages on grindr from someone you're not attracted to is not the end of the world and doesn't make someone a perv. And you do realise you're going to be old someday right? you think you're going to be automatically attracted to other 50 year olds? And even if you never message a poor fragile younger guy you will still have to listen to them label older guys as "creepy"?

Here's a good example. There are many negative gay stereotypes. How do you feel when someone goes online and says something like "oh dont hang around with gay guys, they're predators" and then as a defense says there's a particular type of gay who this is true of. You'd think they're an idiot.

Why would I engage with you? You're condescending throughout and end by implicitly calling me an idiot. Read my post again and respond to the more challenging elements.

newacc2015

Grindr is what you make of it. Yes some guys want to hook up on it and it seen as sleazy or 'creepy'. Yet guys in a club look for a hook up too and it is seen as grand.

If you explicitly say you are only looking a for relationship or friendship. Guys will be content with that and the ones looking for hook ups will generally ignore you.

A lot of guys have bad experiences on Grindr and IMO it is because they are too needy on it. A guy is honest like he would in a club by telling a guy he is not attracted to him. In a club it is OK, but if a guy does it on Grindr he is shallow etc. Likewise some people expect instant replies and for you to drop everything you are doing to meet them instantly regardless of your work or college commitments. If you don't **** their schedule you are suddenly a time waster

TL;Dr Grindr is what you make of it. Don't get emotionally invested in it

LLMMLL

reason vs religion wrote: »

Why would I engage with you? You're condescending throughout and end by implicitly calling me an idiot. Read my post again and respond to the more challenging elements.

Feel free not to engage.

In fairness there is nothing challenging in your posts. You essentially say it's ok to make sweeping generalisations based on a minority. Imagine some straight guy wanted to go to a club that was fairly mixed, wasn't a gay club but had a lot of gay attendees. Another straight guy replies "go somewhere else, that way you'll avoid gays groping you". I think most gay men would be offended by that statement even if the guys defense was "oh there's a particular recurring character in these clubs who is gay and targets straight guys". I don't see how what you said is any different. You are basically prejudiced, but I'm guessing you've experienced so much of the anti-aging prejudice in gay men you are not even aware of it.

Annasopra

Folks

Some of the posts above are borderline overstepping the mark. Play the ball not the man.

wakka12

LLMMLL wrote: »

Oh those terrible older guys. How dare they message someone they're attracted to. They should commit suicide at 30 years old or at least go into hiding.

Nobody's saying that, sorry but it makes me quite uncomfortable when a man older than my father messages me. And btw theyre not nice messages, theyre awful ones like hey u horny, send pics, up for a hook up etc. If a guy is courteous I will be too no matter what his age. I think its a bit silly to expect 18 year olds to be into you if you're old enough to be their father just saying, but sure if you want to waste your time then go for it

wakka12

LLMMLL wrote: »

Feel free not to engage.

In fairness there is nothing challenging in your posts. You essentially say it's ok to make sweeping generalisations based on a minority. Imagine some straight guy wanted to go to a club that was fairly mixed, wasn't a gay club but had a lot of gay attendees. Another straight guy replies "go somewhere else, that way you'll avoid gays groping you". I think most gay men would be offended by that statement even if the guys defense was "oh there's a particular recurring character in these clubs who is gay and targets straight guys". I don't see how what you said is any different. You are basically prejudiced, but I'm guessing you've experienced so much of the anti-aging prejudice in gay men you are not even aware of it.

Maybe that is true. But did you ever think about how much older straight men generally don't message very young women on dating sites? Or approach them in clubs? And vice versa with older straight women and young men. Its because its not socially acceptable in society, straight or gay. Yes some older straight men and women go after very young women but its much much less common than on the gay dating scene. If much older people courting young people makes practically every young person uncomfortable under most circumstances then why try to argue for it to be okay? Young people will never want to be courted by much older men or women so the only thing that you'll change is how they respond, maybe by being more respectful, but still.

wakka12

And just for the record, I don't think its an attractiveness thing. I think lots of older men are handsome guys. Like Barrack Obama right off the top of my head I think looks quite old but is still a really good looking guy. But would I like if he hit on me? No, it'd make me uncomfortable. Would I like if he hit on me when I'm like 45? I think I would

Annasopra

Thats a personal preference though

J_E

wakka12 wrote: »

I think its a bit silly to expect 18 year olds to be into you if you're old enough to be their father just saying, but sure if you want to waste your time then go for it

wakka12 wrote: »

Young people will never want to be courted by much older men or women so the only thing that you'll change is how they respond, maybe by being more respectful, but still.

That's not reasonable at all - many people have different attractions! I've always been interested in older guys. A lot of young gay men have an almost poisonous attitude when it comes to age, because they see the attitudes of others and stereotypes and absorb it. It's one thing admitting it's not your thing, it's another making a suggestion that older men are all 'creepy' and that they don't have the right to sexual preference past a set age. This is an attitude that needs changing, badly.

I hope you never get old and have to experience it from the other end, Wakka! :pac:

_Redzer_

J_E wrote: »

That's not reasonable at all - many people have different attractions! I've always been interested in older guys. A lot of young gay men have an almost poisonous attitude when it comes to age, because they see the attitudes of others and stereotypes and absorb it. It's one thing admitting it's not your thing, it's another making a suggestion that older men are all 'creepy' and that they don't have the right to sexual preference past a set age. This is an attitude that needs changing, badly.

I hope you never get old and have to experience it from the other end, Wakka! :pac:

I think it's more the fact that these men are from a time where being gay was not acceptable at all and maybe they couldn't fully explore that side of themselves, because a lot of the older lads that would've message me would've been still closeted or if not often still very forward with wanting to hook up with me -not even started with the usual 'well, what's the craic', more dick pics and 'where u?', 'fun?'

I think that initial exposure to older lads puts a bad taste in people's minds, and I think that's Grindr's fault where it's designed around sex, so they don't think they're doing anything wrong, and they're not since the barely legal 18 year olds are just as forward.

IMO it's not an attitude that's brainlessly adopted based on stereotypes, it's based on experiences.

The same attitudes stand for young straight lads too, where they're not off getting with older women any quicker.

wakka12

J_E wrote: »

That's not reasonable at all - many people have different attractions! I've always been interested in older guys. A lot of young gay men have an almost poisonous attitude when it comes to age, because they see the attitudes of others and stereotypes and absorb it. It's one thing admitting it's not your thing, it's another making a suggestion that older men are all 'creepy' and that they don't have the right to sexual preference past a set age. This is an attitude that needs changing, badly.

I hope you never get old and have to experience it from the other end, Wakka! :pac:

When I get old I will not hit on 18 year olds thats for sure! Im sure Ill find younger men more attractive than guys who are 50 my age then but I still would never go for 18 year olds..face the constant rejection from a guy young enough to be my son..Id have more self respect.

wakka12

And its not simply the attitude of young gay men. Its societies attitude, imagine you're a 45 year old guy who likes younger guys. You date a 19 year old and meet their parents, it will be awkward. Almost with out any doubt, thats because older men pursuing much younger guys isn't seen as socially acceptable, by anybody in society except older men. And personally I think it should be that way, older men have so much more life experience and maturity and I think that is usually taking advantage of a younger more naive person.

And thats beside the point that they probably only like them for their looks. Its not as if their personality will make you fall for them as you'll most likely have nothing in common due to the age difference.

But anyway as I said most older men are wasting their time doing this. And what good is arguing about it? Do you think arguing about it and calling young guys ageist and prejudiced is going to convince teenage boys to be interested in guys old enough to be their dads.

LLMMLL

wakka12 wrote: »

But anyway as I said most older men are wasting their time doing this. And what good is arguing about it? Do you think arguing about it and calling young guys ageist and prejudiced is going to convince teenage boys to be interested in guys old enough to be their dads.

Where did you get that idea? Its exactly like those strange anti-gay-marriage folks that believed that introducing gay marriage would mean they'd have to marry another man themselves. Pointing out to people their inherent prejudice and asking them to post more sensitively (i.e. not call older men creepy) does not mean that you have to sleep with an older guy. Just like anti-gay-marriage people do not have to marry someone of the same sex now.

I don't really care if some younger guy feels uncomfortable on grindr. What kind of shrinking wallflower would actually be affected by receiving a message from an older man. And does an older man who receives messages from someone he is not attracted to also get to be offended and uncomfortable?

Again, the truth is that older men who go over the top with younger men are minorities in two ways. Firstly, they are a minority among older men. Most older men do not harass guys of any age, be it on grindr or in person. Secondly, they are a minority among harassers. I guarantee if you really think about how many people have sent you an unsolicited cock pic, or groped you in a club, it'll be mainly guys in their 20s.

And you think "Hey u horny" is "awful"? Its pretty tame. They're not asking you to fist them.

Invoking "socially acceptable" is a copout. It used to be socially acceptable to physically harm a gay man who made a pass at you. Wouldn't it be better to have standards such as "if someone rejects you, don't hassle them", "don't grope randomers", etc. that apply to everyone rather than castigating older people?

J_E

wakka12 wrote: »

And its not simply the attitude of young gay men. Its societies attitude, imagine you're a 45 year old guy who likes younger guys. You date a 19 year old and meet their parents, it will be awkward. Almost with out any doubt, thats because older men pursuing much younger guys isn't seen as socially acceptable, by anybody in society except older men. And personally I think it should be that way, older men have so much more life experience and maturity and I think that is usually taking advantage of a younger more naive person.

And thats beside the point that they probably only like them for their looks. Its not as if their personality will make you fall for them as you'll most likely have nothing in common due to the age difference.

But anyway as I said most older men are wasting their time doing this. And what good is arguing about it? Do you think arguing about it and calling young guys ageist and prejudiced is going to convince teenage boys to be interested in guys old enough to be their dads.

I find this jarring to read - this a projection of personal attractions and experiences onto an entire generation of people. I am a young guy and I do happen to have an attraction to older guys, and it is not shallow/only looks-based - it is on multiple levels like any other type of attraction. Please reconsider what you are saying. You are basically saying that my own attraction can't possibly be real, because you don't deem it so and 'society' doesn't deem it so. Society deemed all homosexuals deficient and mentally ill not too long ago - I don't generally use a societal impression as the yardstick for what gives me fulfillment. This kind of attitude is prejudiced by definition.

Ash885

^ Agreed. I've dated older guys before and arguably more attracted to them. Never thought it would be an issue lest of all to parents or friends. Any "harassment" I've gotten whether it be on Grindr or in the George have been from lads my own age who it seems "No" means nothing to them.

I am so tired of the gay community being so negative towards each other whether it be age, weight, height, "campness", race. Where do we draw the line?

Rick_

We can't draw a line, because there'll be arguments over it too. :rolleyes:

Annasopra

wakka12 wrote: »

When I get old I will not hit on 18 year olds thats for sure! Im sure Ill find younger men more attractive than guys who are 50 my age then but I still would never go for 18 year olds..face the constant rejection from a guy young enough to be my son..Id have more self respect.

A lot of this seems to be you viewing older gay men negatively and as almost predatory. Some older men like younger men and vice versa. Honestly I agree with the above posters.
Your call of societal rhetoric is awful to be honest. In the past "society" viewed gay men as bad therefore they were bad. Society viewed single mothers etc etc etc etc etc. Yes I do know of a 19 year old who dated a 50 year old and his parents really got on well with him. Just because you hold such views it really really does not mean everyone else agrees with you. Your judging shaming rhetoric is very familiar to a lot of us.