Can a man treat one woman terribly and another like a princess

LegacyUser

I have been in a relationship for almost a year and a half and living together for past 6 months at weekends as he lives 6 hours away during week for work.

He is my perfect, treats me perfectly, respects me etc. I love him and I know he loves me.

He has a child with another woman who he maintains was never in a relationship with and whom trapped him into the pregnancy.

I have heard very recently from a very trusted person who turns out works with the mother of his child that he treated and still treats the mother of his child terribly. Is very abusive to her etc. I trust this person and don't think she would make it up. She said she has seen text messages he sent to her and she wouldn't repeat.

I have never seen this side to him although I know he despises the mother of his child. Is it possible that he could be so horrible and abusive to one woman and not another??

We are both in early 40s and mother of child is mid 30s.

Knine

Yes it is very possible. Probably not what you want to hear. My ex sounds just like him. Very charming in public & you would think he was daddy of the year when he goes to the meetings regarding our daughter. The reality is far different.

Be very careful. You could one day be that ex. A good indicator of someones personality imo is how they treat other people.

KikiDee

I agree with Knine to a degree but possibly another way to look at it would be that if he feels this other woman 'trapped' him, then why would he be nice to her? He feels hard done by by her.

JeffKenna

blindsighted? wrote: »

He is my perfect, treats me perfectly, respects me etc. I love him and I know he loves me.

He has a child with another woman who he maintains was never in a relationship with and whom trapped him into the pregnancy.

I have heard very recently from a very trusted person who turns out works with the mother of his child that he treated and still treats the mother of his child terribly.

Let's get this straight..

You are in a relationship, living with this man for a year and a half and he treats you perfectly.

Now because an ex has a grudge and is bad mouthing him you suddenly question him??

Doesn't say much about you to be honest.

Xterminator

yes its possible, but it does tell you that your partner has it in himto be that person.

Ursus Horribilis

What Knine said. I've encountered two people in my life (a friend's ex and a work colleague) who in different ways showed these traits. They're almost Jekyll and Hyde characters such is they way they behave. There's something very ugly about the way they turn their hate rays on the person they despise.

Regardless of what this woman did to him, the way he treats her should be seen as a serious warning sign. Lots of people despise their exes but most of them manage to behave in a civil fashion. He has gone beyond the not being particularly nice to her stage. You used the word abusive. He could just be polite and distant and civil. He's not. Have a think about that.

And as has been pointed out,if he treats his ex like this who is to say you won't get this too. There was a thread here a while ago from a very upset lady who had just broken up with her boyfriend. When he had broken up with his previous girlfriend he said the most awful things about her and spread lies about her. Now this lady (the one who started the thread on boards) was in an awful state because he told her he was going to do the very same thing. As people told her at the time, she should've been aware that this too could happen to her. I think this is a fair point.

SarahMollie

OP, this behavior would be something that would make me deeply uncomfortable. I don't think you should automatically take the word of strangers as gospel, but if I were you, I'd have to know more for my own sake. Do you think you can talk to him about it?

Firstly, no matter what the circumstances, he has a child with this woman. Theres no way that if he treats her so badly, that the child won't pick up on this. Parents who are at odds like this are only creating huge issues for that child for the future. How is a child supposed to go up to be well adjusted if he sees his mother being treated with a complete lack of respect by its father?! What sort of (supposedly mature) man in his 40s inflicts this on a child? Major character flaw IMO.

Secondly, this woman apparently "trapped" him. Whilst I'm sure that some women do behave appallingly in this way, but I'm quite sure he willingly had sex with her. If you have sex with women who you don't actually want to be with, an unwanted pregnancy is always possibility. He's not some innocent victim.

LegacyUser

Third hand information based on the word of an ex who may well, as he said, have trapped him into a pregnancy? Sure you might as well listen to the cat for all that sort of gossip is worth.

chuckles30

blindsighted? wrote: »

I have been in a relationship for almost a year and a half and living together for past 6 months at weekends as he lives 6 hours away during week for work.

So if I read this right, you only live together at the weekends & only for the last 6 months! Have you ever lived together full-time? Like everyone else, I would be worried. It's possible that he can be a charmer for a couple of days. How can you be sure that he doesn't lose it on occasion?

I know you say that he felt trapped by the pregnancy, but at the end of the day, he is still the child's father. It took two to tango!!

Your friend sounds like she is worried for you - I'm sure it can't have been easy for her to raise this with you.

freshpopcorn

To be honest it's very hard to know. We've all heard of the man who can be lovely in relationship and then after a time can lash out and be very abusive and we've all heard of the women who'd tamper with condoms/types of birth control in order to get pregnant and there always the victim.

Tasden

Knine wrote: »

Yes it is very possible. Probably not what you want to hear. My ex sounds just like him. Very charming in public & you would think he was daddy of the year when he goes to the meetings regarding our daughter. The reality is far different.

Be very careful. You could one day be that ex. A good indicator of someones personality imo is how they treat other people.

Hate to say it op, but this is how I felt too after reading your post. I'm sure my ex has said all sorts about me- his child's mother- to people to almost justify his behaviour towards myself and his child, when in reality, the issues all lie with him, and you would be shocked the way he carries on because he is wonderful at playing the victim and making out like he is the caring father when he is anything but.
It may be the case that he is being honest and his ex is just causing trouble but I've seen it happen first hand how easy it is to just paint himself in a good light and bad mouth the mother who can't defend her position.

Ursus Horribilis

Guessed wrote: »

Third hand information based on the word of an ex who may well, as he said, have trapped him into a pregnancy? Sure you might as well listen to the cat for all that sort of gossip is worth.

It's not quite that though. The OP's friend says she has seen texts from this guy. While there is no guarantee that this is the 100% truth here, it is something she should be taking very seriously. As I said, I've encountered two people in my own life who turned out to be really spiteful. I was surprised by both of them because they always had come across as really nice people.

IvoryTower

Your friend only has one side of the story. The very fact that this woman is sharing their text arguments with other people sounds dodgy to me. People can say crazy offensive stuff in the heat of battle. Speak to your oh about it, I bet it will become a lot clearer then.

batmanrobin

If a man I was in a relationship with told me a woman had trapped him into a pregnancy, it wouldn't be a relationship that would continue very long. That would be the first red flag for me.

As to how he allegedly behaves towards her, yeah, it's possible he does carry on like that. You only see him at weekends. It's possible you're only seeing one side of him, the better side, during this time. If he's six hours away, that's a 12 hour round trip. It doesn't leave you with a lot of time to really see the person or get a good grasp of how they treat people.

He might well feel like she trapped him, but he willingly had sex with her, so he really needs to shoulder that blame/responsibility. As another poster said, he could just be distant but he's choosing to behave like a git towards her instead. What does that tell you?

Maybe the best thing would be to speak to him about it? Would you be happy to continue in the relationship if you knew 100% that he was behaving poorly towards her? Would you want him to be a father for your children if he is behaving like that?

Ursus Horribilis

Tasden wrote: »

Hate to say it op, but this is how I felt too after reading your post. I'm sure my ex has said all sorts about me- his child's mother- to people to almost justify his behaviour towards myself and his child, when in reality, the issues all lie with him, and you would be shocked the way he carries on because he is wonderful at playing the victim and making out like he is the caring father when he is anything but.

He sounds a lot like my friend's ex. If you met him you'd think he was the best dad ever - he's far from it. He's also a really well known, popular guy in my home town. He trains a kids football team, does voluntary work, is one of the first people to put his name forward for things, has loads of friends, is very pleasant to talk to. But I've seen what he's really like and it's not pretty.

The lady I worked with always came across as being really lovely too. Helpful, bought everyone cards for their birthdays (hehe, maybe that should've been a warning sign), seemed lovely. But in reality she was tormenting a junior member of staff and when that finally blew up, she admitted to bullying her. Very very subtle it was too.

So yeah, while there is always a his side, her side and the truth aspect to these sorts of scenarios, I'd be slow to dismiss them until I knew more.

Big Bag of Chips

How does he speak about the mother of his child to you? If he lives with you at the weekends, and works 6 hours away during the week, how much of a relationship does he maintain with his child? Even if she did trap him.. it's amazing how many men get "trapped".. he has a child. What's his attitude to his child? Does he see them? Does he pay maintenance? Does he talk about them?

I'd always be wary of a man with a child, and very little involvement. Yes, sometimes it's the mother keeping the child away from the father for whatever vindictive reasons. More often it's because the father just couldn't be arsed. A baby wasn't part of the plan.

Whatever about the mother, I'd judge how he views the child. Because if you get pregnant and your relationship doesn't work out, your child will be in the same position. Even if your relationship lasts, that child will be your children's sibling.

arayess

you are believing the rantings of an ex without any evidence or 3rd party.
Your naivety is breathtaking....

BettePorter

So he works away all week and lives with you at weekends. When exactly does he see this child he was trapped into having?

Surely you know how he feels about his ex or child by what he says / how he refers to them. And if he doesn't mention them, then that tells its own story too.

LegacyUser

Hi, I don't normally reply to theses types of posts on boards but kind of felt like I had to because the topic struck a cord with me.

When I met my now husband he had recently been through a divorce. I couldn't get over how respectful he was when taking about his ex wife, not that he still loved her or ever wanted to get back with her, but the fact that they shared something special together I think makes him have some respect for her. They just fell out of love, she did have an affair but i do think she was kind of Pushed into it because he stopped loving her that way if u know what I mean. I hated all this when I first met him by the way, please stay with me, I do have a point...

So, we are married and together 10 years. They never had any kids, we do. I have the odd little pop at her but nothing too hurtful, manly teasing him cause he was married before.... My husband comes across like a very standoffish, cool, aloof character, very difficult to approach etc. But nothing could be further from the truth, he is a big softy....

Now, his brother... He is the most "vulnerable", "sweet", "innocent" person anyone has ever met. He had recently broken up with is long term girlfriend of 15 years. 2 kids together. Everyone on the outside thinks he is the perfect dad, perfect partner, life and sole of the party etc etc & she is a horrible cranky witch.

Well I will tell u the only reason she is like this is because of him. The absolutely **** she has had to put up with over the years, he is the worst father ever, recently asked for for 2 weekends "off" a month. He works away 2 weeks a month so either way he if he gets his own wAy will only see HIS kids every 3 weeks for one day awknd or what ever. And when he is there all he does is complain, until someone from the outside arrives, then he is full of the joys, and the best father ever.... It's actually sickening... I have zero respect for him now. Much less now than have in the past.

So anyway, now getting down to the main point, so he started seeing someone in the past 6 months. Their behaviour is just embarrassing. I have met her in person once, and during that meeting she corners me & tells me she understands he has come from an abusive relationship with the ex. I could have been blown away with a feather. He has told her all sorts of lies, twisted things etc etc that I know for a fact that what he is saying isn't true because I've been there for 10 years witnessing things, his behaviour, & his bull****. I can't even say I think this cause she told me this, that's not true, I know this because I have seen it...

He is telling her what he wants her to believe & u know what, it's very believable, cause he is "sweet", "nice", blah blah blah....

Long story short, my husband comes across like a bit of a prick & unapproachable, but you know where u stand with him, he is good dad and I know that the fact he has a big of rep sect for his ex means that he is just a respectful person in general. his brother on the other hand, who comes across like a sweet innocent party in the entire relationship is a horrible person that couldn't careless about his kids, but to some people on the outside world, he is the innocent party.

Sorry for long post, but had to share, cause this guys has pulled the wool over so many people's eyes.

I hope u make the right decision. Any guy that claims he was trapped onto fatherhood after his child is born isn't worth anything.

fuzzycycle

Removed

fungun

People who break up badly usually dont get on. I can certainly imagine a situation where a nice person may send angry texts to an ex, especially if he feels like you say he does about her.

I wouldnt get overly crazy about something I heard from someone who heard sth from his ex who presumably also feels angry. She will have heard one side of the story (as you have heard the other) and Im sure was shown the choicest texts too. The truth is somewhere in between these two extremes Im sure. Its clear they dont get on, dont like each other and thats a difficult situation.

I think its worth noting this to yourself and keeping an eye out a little more to check for this kind of issue, and looking at how he interacts with his child; but I wouldnt go making mad changes or decisions based on just this information.

intheclouds

Can a man treat one woman badly and another like a princess. Yes. Absolutely.

People are complex, they have many sides. A neighbour of mine was convicted and jailed for raping all of his daughters over 2 decades and his new partner and her family are still standing by him saying the entire thing is just a terrible misunderstanding because they just cannot believe that such a nice man could do something like that. So yes, people can behave in a monstrous way to one person and completely differently with someone else.

What I would say is that if someone is treating one woman badly then he has the capability of treating any ex badly, even if he doesnt exercise that capability today or tomorrow, at any point, you could also become the ex who is treated badly.

Personally I would not want someone with a nasty side as my partner, even if I never saw that nasty side directed at me. There are many examples of people who dont feel this way.

racso1975

Look the fact of the matter is you have very little actual evidence to go on here.

Seeing an abusive text message can be taken out of context. I can pop up an abusive message on my screen but you wont have seen the rest of the conversation or the context it was received in.

I have an ex and 2 children and there are times things become strained between us and we get ratty. it could be something simple like i send a message for my kids and don't get a response for a few hours. The logical side rarely thinks maybe she forgot the phone, maybe they are busy, maybe the kids don't want to respond yet. The illogical part kicks straight in and it's oh she didn't show them or she couldn't be arsed letting them respond etc etc

I have only ever spoken positively about her to others and to the kids as, no matter the reason we broke, she is a great mother. Having also come from a home where parents split hearing one give out about the other is not right or nice.

Talk to him about it and see how he A) reacts about it and what explanation he gives

As it stands he treats you very well and that is fantastic. It might be just wise to file this under miscellaneous for the moment and if things do begin to deteriorate in that sense use it as a guiding light