Regular tension and confrontation between my parents.

LegacyUser

I'm 18, still living at home with my parents and my 2 siblings.

From the outside, everything seems fine. Fine house, immaculate garden, everybody is in good health etc. However, tensions between my parents (both in their 40s, married almost 20 years) are becoming an increasingly regular occurrence. Most of it seems to stem from my mother, often over the smallest of things eg. my father missing a patch while mowing the grass, my father ringing up saying he'll have to stay at work for an extra hour or two, my father saying he has to help out a friend with moving cattle or something (we live in the countryside) or even my father saying he wants to visit his mother for an hour or two. Even something as small as her seeing my dad put his feet up for a while causes her to blow a fuse.

The resulting hostility from my mother generally consists of shouting matches, slamming doors and cupboards, and/or ignoring my father completely for up to a week or 10 days.

My dad hates conflict and confrontation, and has rarely ever lost his temper or attempted to retort when they fight. He just lets it play out and has never fights back. He promptly tries to make amends, even apologising when he did nothing out of the way as such, but often faces even more resistance.

Now I understand all marriages and relationships are subject to ups and downs, but in the case of my parents it seems to be a hell of a lot more down than up, and my siblings and I often find ourselves walking on eggshells when my mother is in foul humour. My dad regularly seems to confide in me with his issues. He often says how he hates conflict like this and how often he doesn't even know what he did/didn't do to trigger this episode. Now I know he's not a god, he is sometimes in the wrong. He might sleep in until a ridiculous hour or maybe spend too long on the phone sometimes but other than that he's a saint. He doesn't drink whatsoever, doesn't smoke, never violent or abusive, always willing to help out. Same goes for my mother.

I've suggested stuff to my father like the two of them going out for an evening more often and such but other than that I don't really know what to tell him other than "take no notice of it, it will pass". He's very strong emotionally but I can tell it gets him down big time.

We're supposed to be going on holidays next week "as a family" but at the current rate it's going to be very tense. They're also coming up to their 20th wedding anniversary and it'd be nice to see them just getting along with each other more. It would also make for a much more relaxed atmosphere in the house, and maybe an end to these dinnertimes where nobody speaks.

Is there anything I can do to help the situation or is this kind of behaviour normal? Even when you consider its frequency and duration?

Thanks for reading.

TL;DR I'm 18, living with parents who regularly have conflicts and go long spells without speaking to each other. Almost all the hostility stemming from mother. Father hates conflict and confrontation and always tries to make amends but often gets blanked or shouted at even more. No actual violence involved but a lot of verbal abuse and "silent treatment" coming from my mother. Making the atmosphere at home very tense. Don't know what to do.

LegacyUser

Any chance your mum is going through the menopause? I don't mean this to sound sexist; I'm female myself! Just remember when my own mum was going through it, she was like a demon....it's a tough time for everyone

silverharp

its not a good situation at all, how kids see their parents interact is fairly important in how you and your siblings will frame your own relationships in the future. your mother is being (excuse my French) a bitch for reasons best known to herself, your dad's self esteem and confidence are most likely shattered which likely feeds back into your mother's behaviour as its hard to respect someone that lets you bully them. One first course I see is explaining how important it is for your dad to stand up for himself for his children's sake if he doesn't believe his own well being is important. what he does is up to himself, find some resources or suggest to him to talk to any close friends he has. it might even be as simple as him having a talk with his wife and put her straight about how her behaviour is impacting everyone and that it needs to change, they can take it from there.

Fakediamond

From what you say, your mothers bad behaviour is escalating? Or was she always like this? It could be lots of things, poor mental health, depression, menopause, as someone said.

It's a lot to expect of you, to support your dad, it's a difficult subject! if he confides in you again, or if your mums behaviour is intolerable, maybe you could encourage her to see her G.P. Or ask him to encourage her?

Of course it will affect everyone in the house and as someone else said, affect how you all view relationships yourselves as you meet partners and form your own families in the future.

Sapphire

Menopause can be difficult, but its no excuse for treating your partner or children the way that you describe. As well as that, she's slightly too young for it to be menopause unless she is experiencing it earlier than the norm. Has your mother been like this for long?

I don't think its appropriate for your father to confide in you - its putting you in the middle and ultimately, nobody except the woman and the man really know what's going on in their relationship. They seem to be having relationship issues far beyond your expertise and the only thing I could think of is to either move out if you can or sit them both down and ask them to go to counselling because their behaviour - your mother's temper and your fathers passivity are both affecting you and your siblings.

On the face of it, it sounds like your mother might even be showing abusive traits, so having a read of Amen.ie or Women's Aid might help give you some insight. But - you are only 18 and perhaps the eldest? Domestic abuse is complex and confusing and something a young adult is not equipped to handle.

LegacyUser

Could be menopause but I'm no doctor...wikipedia said it occurs between 45 and 55, and my mother is 47, so it's a possibility, but the truth is she always had a short fuse, except she cooled down a good bit faster in the past.

I sort of acted as a middleman last night to try and work this out, or at least try and speed up the process. Asked dad what mum was doing that was bothering him, and asked mum what dad was doing that bothered her. They both had their reasons. Nothing serious but more an accumulation of small grievances over the last few months (eg. Dad spending too much time on the phone, or not passing on news to my mother. Mum getting angry when Dad rings up and says he has to stay on at work. Dad not understanding my mother's inclination to be a perfectionist at almost everything. Stuff like that)

I'm the eldest, it's just I hate confrontation as well and can sense when all isn't well with a person, which is why Dad sort of confides in me, but he also talks about it with his own mother as far as I know.

I'm not going to be moving out or anything. When they do get on, they get on like a house on fire. Their behaviour over the years has already had a fair effect on my siblings and I. Me and my brother are fairly passive and try to avoid confrontation (like our father), whereas my sister is short-fused and often inappropriately blunt (like our mother).

Fakediamond

Wow, that's a lot for you to take on, well done for having a go at talking to them. Maybe the fact that you've raised the fact that the tension hasn't gone unnoticed by you or your siblings, might act as a wake up call for your parents.

Sounds like they could benefit from some marriage counselling, but they both have to want it, and see the need for it, for it to have any chance of success. As noted by a previous poster, your mother is being quite abusive by visiting her bad moods on everyone, something needs to change, especially for you and your siblings; home should be your refuge and where you feel comfortable and safe, not walking on eggshells.

Good luck, I hope the situation improves for all of you.

baby and crumble

I'll be honest OP I could've written this post myself when I was 18- except with the genders reversed.

My advice to you is to stay out of it. Your parents relationship is not your concern and if you get involved to any significant degree it'll end badly. Nobody, and I mean nobody outside of any relationship knows what's it's actually like inside it. My parents fought like cats and dogs, screaming matches that they thought the kids didn't know about etc. But they loved each other fiercely, which came to a head when my Mum got sick and passed away. My mother would've done similar to your Dad, and talked to me about it which I know now is totally inappropriate. It kinda turned me against my Dad for a while which was unfair- there's always 2 sides to every story.

I know that if you're the eldest you feel responsible, but you're not. You are not responsible for your parents behaviour. They are both adults and now you are too- you need to treat them that way. My advice is to make sure your younger siblings are coping ok with the fighting, and if needed ask both your parents to tone it down as it's upsetting them (if it is). Expect to be ignored and/ or yelled at for doing so. Nobody likes a mirror being held up to themselves.

gercoral

honestly sounds a bit like my folks!
in our house, my mam works in the home and my father has a job outside the house. sometimes i think my mam is annoyed that she gave up her job when my eldest sibling was born. and my dad kind of sees it as "her job" to have his dinner ready, ahve the house clean, clothes washed etc. she gets mad at little things, but i think a lot of it stems from the fact that she plays to my fathers tune a lot. she said her biggest regret was giving up work.

would you say this is the case in your house? like your dad gets out and about a little whilst your mam stays in the home? might be a bit of resentment?

like other posts say though, it ISN'T your fault. they are grown adults.

D0NNELLY

Unbelievably stressful having three kids, your mam sounds like she has pent up stress and could do with venting to someone.

Also your dad confiding in you is a bad idea.