Failed in life

LegacyUser

I don't want to say too much here, as I don't want to identify myself if i can help it.

I'm 40, male, have a partner and one child, and work for myself.

My problem is that no matter how hard I have tried over the last few years, we are no better off. We rent an apartment at 1100 a month, rent hasnt gone up for three years, though we are just waiting for the landlord to put it up to market rates.. probably 1500 or more. AS it is we seriously struggle every month to get the rent. We always make it, but it is always a struggle, often involving borrowing mopney. We live with no security about where we will be in the next 3-6 months.. and all that means about schools etc.. we are already not even sure if we can get our child into any of the local schools next year, as they are so far down the list ( non christened etc).

My income is unpredictable. Some months it is pretty poor. I can't afford to buy any luxerys. We have a basic tv,a laptop and thats it as far as luxeries. I can't afford to buy clothes, and wear hand me downs from siblings. We haven't been on a holiday in five years, and I am just waiting for our very old car to break down, and we won't be able to replace it. Mu OH can't afford any of the things other women do.. hairdressers, etc etc, and spends v v v little on pennys clothes every year. We have no friends and she has health problems that mean I cannot even talk to her about how I feel as I dont want to stress her

She gets some money from SW every week, but feels that she wants to come off it.

My problem is that I feel like a failure.. no matter how hard I try I will never be able to buy a house- I am too old to get a mortgage now, and the banks would never loan to me anyway. I will never be able to give my child a garden to play in, or anyu of the things that other parents can give theres- money in savings accounts, nice clothes, expensive toys etc. I can barelyh keep a roof over our heads, and that could change v quickly.

People might say go somehwere cheaper- it is not an option really.. we dont have the resources, and bad as we are here, I have some family near who would help in an emergency- we would have no one in the swticks. and my OH can't drive even if we had a reliable car. AS it stands we owe around 12K.. mostly to credit cards and high interest loans, so we have to stay on the treadmill.. servicing debts and household bills costs around 1200 a month at the monet.

I am just sick of it really.. sick of being a pleb. I guess I just wanted to have a moan. TBH if it wasnt for my child I would probably do away with myself, as I have come to the realisation now that I have played the game of life, and due mostly to my own stupidity , I have lost.

fluffybiscuits

Hi Poster

Have you looked at getting your full entitlements? It might be worth contacting your local citizens information to see if you are entitled to family income support or other benefits (I know sometimes they do not give it to self employed but double check). You might also want to speak to MABS

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/contact_us.html

https://www.mabs.ie/contact-mabs/

You are not a pleb, you are an individual and a person who just happened to end up in these circumstances. Emotionally it can take its toll so it might be worth speaking to your GP to ask about referrals to counselling services

Finally Im not sure if your wife is in a position to work but sometimes there are part time jobs available, maybe speak to Intreo or look on indeed.ie for something part time.

I dont normally respond to posts but this struck a chord.

Wishing you all the best

chuckles30

I second what fluffybiscuit says - go to MABS. They will be able to help with restructuring your debt and your entitlements.

Also, if things to take a turn for the worst, you can always go to the St Vincent De Paul.

You mention that you are self employed - well done on supporting your family on this unpredictable income.

BetsyEllen

My goodness you are not a pleb.
You are a hardworking, caring man who is dong the very best for his family.

You mentioned that your OH would like to come off of SW; so I assume this means to find work? I'm not sure if she's able with her health problems, and/or childcare issues but obviously having a 2nd household income would lessen the strain on you.

With regards to your debts you need to either contact MABS as previously mentioned or contact each company individually, explain your struggles and see what they can do or you.
You may be surprised about how helpful some companies can be; I had a bank loan once, fell WAY behind with it, buried my head in the sand etc.
Once I finally spoke to my bank they were actually great and restructured the whole thing over a longer term so my repayments were much lower (like, half).
Yes I will be paying it back for longer so therefore more interest but it was better than being in arrears, dodging phone calls and dreading letters through the door.


The part about getting a mortgage...hardly anyone can get a mortgage these days anyway, so that's not something to feel like you've failed on. I doubt I will ever be in a position to buy.

My parents did not give me a savings account, expensive clothes or holidays.
They were broke and my Mum has told me that she remembers looking for 1p and 2p pieces on the ground outside the shop as people used to discard them from their change...
My happiest memories are going on walks with my Dad and sitting on his shoulders, baking cakes in the kitchen with my Mum...sitting on the kitchen side watching her make a dinner...being in the living room on Sunday waiting for the Eastenders omnibus to come on... all things that money can't buy.

Get onto MABS as soon as you can, things can only better so chin up and don't ever feel like a failure. This is just a bad patch in your life and it will get better.

Ursus Horribilis

I agree with the others regarding MABS. If you could get your loans restructured in any way, it'd give you some breathing space.

As for the other things – would an of these suggestions fly?

- Would you consider baptising your child even though you don't believe in it? More people than you think christen their children just so that they can get them into the local school. It's probably the only time the child will see the inside of a church for years to come. Yes it's hypocritical and yes it's wrong. But at the end of the day, if you'd like to have some sort of say in where your child goes to school....

- Are you in a position to take on a part time job to bring in extra income? Or turn what you do into a part-time enterprise and get a full-time job employed by someone else?

- Would your partner going to work be better for you all in the long term? While you might have more money coming in at the moment, her going out to work could have an awful lot of other benefits. Would it help her general health? Her mental health? Would she have the chance to earn extra money down the road?

- I have a relative who took out a first mortgage at 41 years of age. A 24 year one. It's not the most ideal scenario in the world but it is doable.

- You're not the only person who is caught up in the horrendous trap that is the Irish housing market. There are so many people in the same boat as you that maybe the government might yet some up with something useful.

The saddest thing here is that you're carrying all of this burden on your own. Would you consider asking your GP to refer you on to a counsellor? Or even to give someone like The Samaritans a call just to get this off your chest. You are NOT a failure. From what I can see, you are a hardworking, caring family man who is going through a tough time and is getting tired of being strong for everyone.

La.de.da

You sound far from a pleb. You sound in distress and understandably so.
I would say talk to your partner. Ye are both in this together and so should be able to discuss your feelings and worries.

Make an appointment with MABS. They will help you get your debt repayments in control.

You are not alone OP. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi op,

I would say you are far from a failure and that you have achieved and are achieving a lot in life.
You have a partner, so many people are perpetually single and would love to meet someone. So you have been lucky enough to have met someone. Secondly you are capable of being in and maintaining a relationship.

You have a child, again so many people would love a child but because of fertility issues or maybe they haven't found the one yet, this is something that bypasses a lot for people. You are clearly a loving and present parent.

I know it is annoying not to have money, but your situation is so similar to the majority of people . Most people, especially since the recession are living paycheck to paycheck.

Chin up op, you have a lot to be thankful for.

Wesser

You definitely definitely definitely have not a loser in the game of life. You are a winner in the game of life in my opinion. Some extra money would help make things easier in the short term , for sure. But real happiness comes from all the small pleasures in everyday life. I think you need to be not so hard on yourself and congratulate yourself in all the successes you have everyday. I'm sure your partner and child are grateful for everything that you do for them.

Dr Crayfish

I wont add anything more than has been advised I just wanted to say fair play to you and you should be proud of yourself, you're doing a great job and looking after your family, you've got thick skin and you're wearing it well

secman

You are definitely not a failure... you are feeling down from the monetary pressure. As previously stated.. speak to mabs and make a call to Samaritan if you get that awful feeling ever again. Don't get too uptight about not owning your home... think of the thousands of people in negative equity and little chance of getting out of it.
Best of luck to you and your family, I am sure to most people looking at you wouldn't deem you a failure at all.. but a hard working family man doing his best.

Clampdown

You're definitely not a failure. You're just one of many, many of us who are not feeling the so called 'recovery' and are instead bearing the brunt of increased living expenses that are rising higher than your income and are burdened with debt that feels like it will be there forever.

When I was a kid my father drank away every penny until my mother gave him an ultimatum to stop it or leave. He left and never contacted me or any of my sisters again or paid a penny in maintenance and is now dying of alcoholism. THAT is what I would call a failure. What you're doing is the complete opposite of that, you're not running away from the tough times so you're a success in my book.

I have financial problems myself and am unemployed. Other than looking for work and trying to upskill there's not much I can do as I'm 'in the sticks' where there is very little chance of employment. It is hard not to get down about financial woes, when you feel they are out of your control. What I find works best is that the moment I start comparing myself to others, I dismiss that thought and distract myself. The moment I start to feel bad about my situation or blame myself, I dismiss that thought and distract myself. Those thoughts only breed worse ones so as soon as you catch yourself thinking like that, stop it from snowballing and think about the fact you have a loving partner and child and that you are doing the best you can for them and don't worry about what you can't control. Don't stop yourself enjoying the precious time you have with your child, watching him/her grow up, etc. because you're too busy worrying about when the rent increase will come, etc.

It sounds like a daft thing and maybe even denial, but it's a technique I picked up from a book called Stop Thinking Start Living by Richard Carlson. It helps me from letting negative thoughts that pop into my head from becoming full blown depression, may not work for everyone. I never bought into 'Think Positive' stuff, but just realizing when I am feeling that 'I am a failure' stuff helps me do a 180 because I know that getting down on myself won't help, and I can't control the economy. One thing I can control, is how I choose to think about myself and what mood I intend to be in and how I project myself to others.

You're doing the right things and have nothing to be ashamed of, and the hardworking example you set for your child will no doubt stand to them and help them become successful when they grow into adulthood.

MintyMagnum

Can you try to get a job with someone? As other's said at least you've got a partner and kid. Things look worse when you're in it. If it isn't paying you walk away. You could be better off working for someone else, get paid holidays, social welfare entitlements etc and less stress. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

My brother was exactly like you & it ruined his life for many years. He was also self employed but his business crashed leaving thousands owed on credit cards & loans. For a number of years they lived on virtually nothing all the time paying off debts but with all the interest he may aswell been throwing the money into the wind. It almost destroyed his marriage & like you couldn't see the point in carrying on. Having no money absolutely sucks. I don't know how it works here, he was in England but, on advice, he took the step off no longer paying his credit cards, just stopped. This was a massive thing for him because, like you, is an honest hard working man. He got all the letters constant phone calls etc & then they all stopped. His credit was destroyed but that didn't really matter as he couldn't borrow anymore anyway. It was on his credit file for 6 years & is now cleared. It gave him a fresh start & a life again.

LegacyUser

Ah OP you're not a failure. God, you're just one of many out there doing their damndest to make ends meet. The media can make it very disheartening, to keep hearing about recoveries and knowing you're in the red at the end of every month, wondering how is it just you and how does everyone else seem to be doing fine. Believe me, most of us aren't that far removed from you, if we're not in the same situation.As the last poster said, things look way worse when you're in the the thick of it, you can't see past the same circular situation.

MABS and please, give the VDP or Samaritans a ring to get it off your chest. You're doing your best and nobody can ask more of you. Hang in there.

LegacyUser

Hi,

OP here. Just wanted to say thank you for the kind replies, and all of the advice. It is hard to go into too much detail without it possibly being identufying, so not easy to be more explicit in replying to particular posts. I really do appreciate the positivity.
As I said. I guess I just wanted to vent a little bit.. I know one poster said things can always get better, but I guess I am just worried that they could get worse, but I suppose at the end of the day if they do, I will just deal with it as it comes. Ye are right about the small things being inportant. I was thinking aboutt it there, and I think even a billionaire still has to go through the same experiences in life as we do, the day to day relationships with other people etc, just with more money:).
The advice about changing ttack re employment /income has struck a chord, and fitted in with what has I think been nagging at me anyway. I think I know that it is up to me to change things, it just feels much harder to be positive and upbeat when you've had a few kicks in the teeth.
Anyway, thanks again.. I really do appreciate it. Reminds me of a quote from Winston Churchil.. 'Never give up.. never, never, never, never,never'

MintyMagnum

40yofailure wrote: »

Hi,

OP here. Just wanted to say thank you for the kind replies, and all of the advice. It is hard to go into too much detail without it possibly being identufying, so not easy to be more explicit in replying to particular posts. I really do appreciate the positivity.
As I said. I guess I just wanted to vent a little bit.. I know one poster said things can always get better, but I guess I am just worried that they could get worse, but I suppose at the end of the day if they do, I will just deal with it as it comes. Ye are right about the small things being inportant. I was thinking aboutt it there, and I think even a billionaire still has to go through the same experiences in life as we do, the day to day relationships with other people etc, just with more money:).
The advice about changing ttack re employment /income has struck a chord, and fitted in with what has I think been nagging at me anyway. I think I know that it is up to me to change things, it just feels much harder to be positive and upbeat when you've had a few kicks in the teeth.
Anyway, thanks again.. I really do appreciate it. Reminds me of a quote from Winston Churchil.. 'Never give up.. never, never, never, never,never'

Or another one of his 'if you're going through hell, keep going'