Just discovered husband is cheating

LegacyUser

Going anon. I have been suspicious for a while, husband has been behaving oddly. I bought a secret pen voice recorder, it has been difficult to get it in the car without him knowing.
I took it out this morning while he was asleep, and there I heard him talking to a woman,yesterday, complaining about me that I check up on him, calling her darling, can't see you tonight, haven't seen you for three weeks, and other stuff. I feel physically sick. Don't know what to do.I actually don't know what to do.

Ursus Horribilis

Do you have any family or friends you could turn to for now? You've just been dealt a horrendous blow. Your life is never going to be the same again, regardless of what path you choose from here. There's an awful lot for you to process at the moment and I really don't know what to suggest you do. The only thing I will say is don't do anything too hasty. I think when the shock subsides you'll start to see things more clearly. For now, keep your powder dry and say nothing.

LegacyUser

I have my sister in the UK.There are lots of weird things going on, but I needed actual proof. I have it. I'm finding it very hard to behave normally this morning.

Maybe i need more proof, more recordings. I am shaking, want to vomit. I have a holiday expensive booked for august with my 20yr old daughter I don't know if I can keep it up till then

LegacyUser

OP, my heart goes out to you. Unless somebody has been through the same thing they cannot possibly understand the impact. My husband cheated on me last year with a colleague. Like you, I noticed a shift in his behaviour that could only be explained one way. Even though you suspect, even though in your heart you actually know, finding out for definite is like being hit in the chest with a lump hammer. I'm a year on from it, and even typing this to you I have that same feeling.

If I can advise anything from my own experience it's stay calm. Walk away if impossible. Even for a period of time. I stayed. We fought. I screamed. Shouted. Tried to reason. Listened to lies that I knew were lies. Started to believe lies that I knew were lies. You need space, a lot of it. And a good friend who will be on the end of the phone when you get the urge to contact him.

I would say, tell him you know and then leave. Even for a few hours. He will be straight onto her telling her. He will probably still be confiding in her. But you need to stay away from him at the moment. He is not going to suddenly come clean to you. He will twist things. He will minimise. He will turn it around on you. He will not be honest with you, not yet anyway, and you will only upset and frustrate yourself looking for answers that you already know, but that he is flatly denying.

Me and my husband are still together. We worked through it. But the process was long long delayed by me staying here and fighting with him and losing all my dignity listening to his lies whilst actually WATCHING him texting her night after night. Knowing when he left this house he was either going to be seeing her, or at least contacting her. I've told him my only regret is they way I behaved. I should have walked away. I should have left him here to be the housekeeper, childminder etc. I do believe it would have resulted in us still getting back together, but it would have made him cop on an awful lot quicker. He would have realised a lot sooner what he would be sacrificing for his "fling". As it was, he still had his home, his family, his wife holding everything together while he was free to come and go whenever he pleased to have his bit of fun.

I should have walked away. I don't regret that we are still together. He has completely changed as a person in the past 4 or 5 months. But I do regret that I put myself through months of humiliation rather than keeping my dignity and letting him realise that the grass isn't always greener.

Affairs aren't as much fun when they become your full time relationship!

I feel for you, OP. I'm so sad for you and for everything you are about to go through. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

LegacyUser

I have no close friends here in Ireland.I am TOTALLY financially dependant on my husband, I have no money of my own, I do not work due to ill health, but not ill enough for disability. I am totally stuck.I cant stay I cant leave I am in total shock.He has just come up to me and kissed me I actually want to stab him please what shall I do

LegacyUser

Well the first thing you need to do is read every damn thing chumplady.com has to say. Needs to be the first stop for all people whos partners cheat on them.

Ursus Horribilis

Perhaps your next step should be to quietly contact a solicitor and see where you stand. You are married to him so you have rights.

LegacyUser

Tell him you know. It will shatter your world as you know it now, but you HAVE to get it out there. He has approached you to kiss you? Which must mean he still cares about you. My husband, this time last year, would never have done that. He had completely detached from our marriage. Don't worry too much about the content of what he said to her. He is lying to you. He is lying to her too, exaggerating his 'problems' at home to make himself feel better about cheating.

This time last year I couldn't see anyway that our marriage could survive. This time 6 months ago my plan was to just sit it out until the children were old enough and then leave. At least I was in a position to work, so knew I could build up my own funds and be financially independent enough whenever I was ready to go.

I think you should say it to him. Say it to him and go. Somewhere. Anywhere. The cinema! Turn off your phone. Let him think over for a while what he is doing. At the moment he is NOT thinking about it because there's no consequences to what he's doing. I honestly don't know how you haven't said something yet, and I don't know how long you can continue pretending everything is normal.

My husband was a fool, an absolute gobshyte. He has his head turned by a bit of flattery. He was an arsehole to me. An absolute arsehole. When I think about the way he treated me, disrespected me, spoke to me. Things he did. Things he said. It was all very ugly. I can't believe that we actually managed to come out the other side. Something pretty major happened to him that made him realise he needed me, and his "bit of fun" wasn't going to be of much use to him. He did a complete turn around, and has returned to the man I originally fell in love with and married.

It's not easy. I still have wobbly days. Even today reading your thread has brought up a lot of old memories and feelings that are always just bubbling under the surface. Last year whenever I was upset, while he was still carrying on, and lying about it, he'd shout at me to forget it, move on, I was crazy, I was imagining it etc. Now when I get upset he hugs me. A genuine hug with actually emotion behind it, something I hadn't felt from him in probably 7 or 8 years.

There is a way out of this, OP. But it starts with letting him know you know.

LegacyUser

I'm leaving tomorrow.I'm just going to walk out.staying with my son, and I'll come back for the dogs.I'm lying here in bed, dying.want to tell him I know but the **** will hit the fan and I need to try and get money out of the credit union, it's only 500 but that's all I have.I've no choice but to go.

Ursus Horribilis

I agree with LegoFriends that he needs to be told what you know before too long. But personally, I would be advising you to go talk to a solicitor first before you breathe a word. Just to know where you stand before you say anything to him. While I hope your husband isn't a nasty individual, nobody can possibly predict what way things will go once you say something.

LegacyUser

Am totally wrecked. Have just received two very important hospital appointments for next week.Heart and glaucoma. I can't not go. I'm stuck here another week. I don't drive. I can't leave today, but I don't know how i'll do another week. If I say anything he'll get worried about the money.

poppy_crystal

Odus fell down wrote: »

Perhaps your next step should be to quietly contact a solicitor and see where you stand. You are married to him so you have rights.

before you go moving out i would second this. same thing happened me, but i didn't see any signs, i was told by someone else and then i started gathering all the proof and went to a solicitor, it took everything i had to act normal between finding out and him finding out i knew, but i just pretended to get on with things, i went out with the kids and gave him ample opportunity to continue with his "activities" so that i had opportunity to for want of a better word, stalk him. Dont move out just yet because if you own half of that house it will be a much bigger fight if you move out. you should go about your business, minus him and think about what you want, do you want to make a go of it with him and if you dont then go to a solicitor and whatever happens then you have someone on your side.

Xterminator

OP Moving out may be a bad move tactically. he cheated and perhaps you should stay in the family home? dont surrender it now and regret later.

Get legal advice. know your rights. Then act from a position of knowledge.

Dravokivich

Just to put in another option. It's very hard emotionally going through courts on the breakdown of a relationship. By all means seek advice from a solicitor, but look into the potential of utilising a mediation service if you feel you both can discuss separating and leading into divorcing amicably.

Ursus Horribilis

While your instinct is to cut and run, leaving the house would be madness in my opinion. How far do you honestly think that you and your five hundred quid is going to take you? Where are you going to live? Sure, you can bunk down with your son in the short term but it's not an option really. Why should you be the one to leave? Why can't he? He's the one who is cheating and also is in a better position to look after himself.

What you need to do is contact a solicitor and get proper, impartial, factual advice. At the moment your head is all over the place and you're running around like a headless chicken with no sense or purpose to your actions. All you want to do is run away which is entirely understandable. But once you stop running, what then?

Your husband chose to cheat on you so it'd be a bit rich of him to start worrying about finances. Should the pair of you break up (which seems to be a given now), he can't just walk away and leave you with your five hundred quid in the Credit Union. I am no lawyer but I doubt he'll be able to walk away from this without having to look after you financially. Even if you aren't working, you will be considered to have a share in this marriage too.

Even though you've nobody to talk to in Ireland, have you anyone you could ring back home? Your sister? Or perhaps you could contact a relationship therapist and go on your own.

For now I can't emphasise enough that you need to keep a cool head and don't do anything hasty. You are obviously so distressed that you're particularly vulnerable to making bad decisions based on how you're feeling.

LegacyUser

We rent privately .on social welfare husband works two days a week. He claims for the both of us, money goes into a joint account, it's a pittance.I have NO money of my own at all, no savings apart from the 500 in the credit union.I actually don't know what to do.

pookie82

Please do NOT leave the family home, OP. It won't serve you well in the long run.

You have just outlined why you need to stay for another week, at least. Use that time to get your head together with any space you can. Speak to a solicitor on what your entitlements might be if you choose to separate and you can approach it all with a clear head. Speak to a family member, no matter how far away, as someone to confide in, as you will need emotional as well as legal support in the weeks ahead.

I can't imagine how hard it will be to act like nothing is wrong yet, maybe tell him you're feeling unwell for the next few days and minimise contact/say you need to sleep in the spare room so you don't wake him? Anything to prevent you from snapping in his presence.

If it does all come to a head before you have time to check your legal status/entitlements, then tell him that if anyone leaves, it's him. Maybe he could spend a few nights with his new girlfriend and see how taken he is with her when she's full time.

Witchie

LegoFriends wrote: »

Tell him you know. It will shatter your world as you know it now, but you HAVE to get it out there. He has approached you to kiss you? Which must mean he still cares about you. My husband, this time last year, would never have done that. He had completely detached from our marriage. Don't worry too much about the content of what he said to her. He is lying to you. He is lying to her too, exaggerating his 'problems' at home to make himself feel better about cheating.

This time last year I couldn't see anyway that our marriage could survive. This time 6 months ago my plan was to just sit it out until the children were old enough and then leave. At least I was in a position to work, so knew I could build up my own funds and be financially independent enough whenever I was ready to go.

I think you should say it to him. Say it to him and go. Somewhere. Anywhere. The cinema! Turn off your phone. Let him think over for a while what he is doing. At the moment he is NOT thinking about it because there's no consequences to what he's doing. I honestly don't know how you haven't said something yet, and I don't know how long you can continue pretending everything is normal.

My husband was a fool, an absolute gobshyte. He has his head turned by a bit of flattery. He was an arsehole to me. An absolute arsehole. When I think about the way he treated me, disrespected me, spoke to me. Things he did. Things he said. It was all very ugly. I can't believe that we actually managed to come out the other side. Something pretty major happened to him that made him realise he needed me, and his "bit of fun" wasn't going to be of much use to him. He did a complete turn around, and has returned to the man I originally fell in love with and married.

It's not easy. I still have wobbly days. Even today reading your thread has brought up a lot of old memories and feelings that are always just bubbling under the surface. Last year whenever I was upset, while he was still carrying on, and lying about it, he'd shout at me to forget it, move on, I was crazy, I was imagining it etc. Now when I get upset he hugs me. A genuine hug with actually emotion behind it, something I hadn't felt from him in probably 7 or 8 years.

There is a way out of this, OP. But it starts with letting him know you know.

Sorry you are going through such a hard time OP and that Lego_friends went through this hell so recently, but listen to her advice, it is very good.

Xterminator wrote: »

OP Moving out may be a bad move tactically. he cheated and perhaps you should stay in the family home? dont surrender it now and regret later.

Get legal advice. know your rights. Then act from a position of knowledge.

This. Don't leave just yet. I know you want to run away but that could be worse in the long run. Ask him to leave. Sorry, no, TELL him to leave.

inshock wrote: »

We rent privately .on social welfare husband works two days a week. He claims for the both of us, money goes into a joint account, it's a pittance.I have NO money of my own at all, no savings apart from the 500 in the credit union.I actually don't know what to do.

Go to citizen's advice and get them to help you getting your benefits back in your name. Go to the council and get your name on the list for housing and also start looking for a smaller/cheaper place for you to rent in case there is a long waiting list - there usually is. Stay put for now, insist that your husband continues to pay the bills until all is sorted out as he is the one who has caused this situation so he should be responsible for making sure it gets sorted out.

Also go to the Legal Aid board and see about getting a solicitor through them.

Best of luck and stay strong. You will survive this and come out the other side better than staying with a cheating spouse. x

Xterminator

Hi OP

money seems to be one of your primary concerns.

have a look at this link
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/parenting_alone/parenting_alone.html

you may want to drop into your local intreo centre and discuss your entitlements.

poppy_crystal

get onto the council and social welfare and find out your entitlements for housing and welfare and how to get them and cut your husband off claiming for you. you need to talk to citizens advice or a solicitor and find out all the options available to you and what you are entitled to before you do anything, that 500 you have saved could help you secure your own private rented if you keep your powder dry until you know what you are entitled to and how fast you can get it. its hard, but its not forever, its only for a little while til you know where you stand and you know how soon you have money coming into your back account so you aren't hungry or homeless. try and go out walking or take your son to the playground and find anything that will keep you away from your ex if it helps you get through another little while. i know its easy for me to say it, but i was in your shoes 3 years ago, i know its not fun to have your world as you know it torn apart by the person you trusted most in it

LegacyUser

Odus fell down wrote: »

I agree with LegoFriends that he needs to be told what you know before too long. But personally, I would be advising you to go talk to a solicitor first before you breathe a word. Just to know where you stand before you say anything to him. While I hope your husband isn't a nasty individual, nobody can possibly predict what way things will go once you say something.

I don't know how I would pay for a solicitor:(

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

money seems to be one of your primary concerns.

have a look at this link
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/parenting_alone/parenting_alone.html

you may want to drop into your local intreo centre and discuss your entitlements.

I am not a lone parent, my sons live away, only my daughter is here, she is 20, her Susi grant has beeen accepted, she is just waiting for a course.I will get busy tomorrow.

LegacyUser

Thank you all. I went to my doctor this morning, and told him everything,there were tears, he was very supportive and suggested I have one of my sons with me when I confront him, he can be very aggressive.He also suggested that I go and try to sort out finances, and citizens advice.

Very unfortunately, I also had my daughter with me to check out a mole that has suddenly got bigger on her foot, possible melanoma, she is being referred urgently.

I am SO STRESSED I cannot think straight, trying to act normal-ish until I am ready to blow.He is calling me darling, and tried to hug me in the shop, I want to SCREAM

Ursus Horribilis

inshock wrote: »

I don't know how I would pay for a solicitor:(

It's very hard to help here because of the time delay in having your posts approved (the mods are volunteers so they're doing the best they can) and because of the drip feeding of information

Make contact with the free legal aid people tomorrow. I don't know what their waiting times are for an appointment but the sooner you get your name onto their books, the better.

Maybe you should tell your husband that you know and have your son close at hand. It looks like you are on the verge of blowing because of everything that is going wrong for you.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you want to involve your children at this stage? Do they need to know that their dad is cheating? I know they'll probably find out, but I don't know if I'd agree with asking them to effectively take sides. If you ask your son to be there as a support/help to you when you say it to your husband you are putting him in an awkward position.

I think, at first, this is something that needs to be between you and your husband. If you want to go somewhere public and say it to him so that he won't get physical with you, then do that, a park, wherever. I just think, at this stage, it is unfair to involve your children.

LegacyUser

Sorry for the slow information. I feel like a zombie. I think I have to wait and see how my daughter's situation unfolds before I can confront . This is absolute torture.I don't know how to cope with both these blows.what I really want to do is curl up in a ball and scream. One son is saying to just leave, the other to wait, my sister seeks to want me to drop everything and go to her.

I was thinking of telling him I know what's going on and telling him to stay away from me in the house until I decide what to do but he will tell me to go to hell and that it's house, as he pays the bills, as he has told me many a time.

LegacyUser

I would get legal advice before you say anything to your husband. I would have another adult with you when you confront him. I would also try to get hold of his mobile phone, his computer or into his email. See if you can find any phone number or email address for her.

I would tell him that since he is cheating he can get out of your house. I would also tell him the department of social welfare know he can't claim for you or the children any longer. In fact I would tell the dep of social welfare that he is no longer living at your address and you don't know where he is living. They might suspend his payment for a while.
A man with no money won't be welcome by a lady friend.

I know it is not always easy when you in a bad situation to see a way out. I watched a friend of mine in a bad situation a while ago. One of her freinds told her to bide her time and she did this. By doing this she got information and was then in a postion to make a good move when the time was right.

retro:electro

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Do you want to involve your children at this stage? Do they need to know that their dad is cheating? I know they'll probably find out, but I don't know if I'd agree with asking them to effectively take sides. If you ask your son to be there as a support/help to you when you say it to your husband you are putting him in an awkward position.

I think, at first, this is something that needs to be between you and your husband. If you want to go somewhere public and say it to him so that he won't get physical with you, then do that, a park, wherever. I just think, at this stage, it is unfair to involve your children.

If the sons are living away then I'm guessing that they're adult children. I think the op needs all the support she can get since she is already feeling so defeated.

LegacyUser

I've decided this is what I'm going to do I don't want either of my sons here.if he goes for me there will be blood,I don't want either of them hurt by him, or for them to be in trouble by defending me. So tomorrow or next day.

I'm not prepared to leave the house, my possessions, my dogs, while my daughter's health is in limbo but I can't carry on much longer, he is obviously faking concern for my health, constantly asking if I'm ok, darling this darling that, he has certainly picked up on the fact that I'm barely speaking. eat something......it's making me feel ILL.I'm staying.I know for a fact he will not leave.

So I'm going to tell him very calmly that I'm done,I don't care any more for this marriage, and that I have absolute proof, as I'm sure he will maintain I'm crazy but to keep out of my way, that I'm going to sort out separate claim, and I'll do what I have to do. And that he has to leave. I'm also going to withdraw the credit union money, and when he cops on to that the crap is really going to fly.

He's off work these next three days. I can't sit with him, cook,eat, watch tv and be normal!I just can't do it.

Big Bag of Chips

anna080 wrote: »

If the sons are living away then I'm guessing that they're adult children. I think the op needs all the support she can get since she is already feeling so defeated.

I know they're adult children, but they are still being put in the centre of their parents. OP, I know you are all over the place at the moment, but you need to address this with your husband sooner rather than later. The more people who know before you've even said it to him, the bigger the chance is of someone saying it to him before you get a chance to.

I know you are all over the place I understand that. I know you are not thinking straight. But you need to say it to him. You've decided you're not going to move. He's not going to move either. You can tell him you know, and go about finding out your entitlements at the same time. You have a few very uncomfortable months ahead. I just think not saying anything to him is likely to cause more of a mess down the line.

But, that's just my opinion and you are the one living it. I hope you're ok, and I hope you get through this, whatever way it plays out.

Magicmatilda

Hi OP,

I am compelled to post because I really feel for you. You are doing really well holding it all together. Well done on speaking with the doctor and your sister. At least you know she is there if you need her. It seems you are having an awful run of luck.

If you are Dublin based and feel some counselling would help there are a number of donation based services that you can access. I don't think I can recommend a place but a quick google of donation based counselling should throw up results. These are usually run by charities and you just pay what you can if you can.

I wish you all the best with confronting him. If you feel he may be violent then do it in public. Is he aware of your daughters health issue? It makes sense especially given this that he should leave and you both stay.

Colser

Having been through very similar OP I have to say that you are holding yourself together fantastically ,its a horrible situation to be in and it really knocks the life out of you for a very long time. The only advice I can give you is that you are correct in saying that he will say that you are crazy so I would urge you not to tell him about the recording.It really is the ace up your sleeve and when he (probably) accuses you of being mad ect. you know that you have proof that he's unaware of so let him make a fool of his mouth by denying it. He will only admit to what he thinks you know and even at that he will probably twist it around on you anyway. Get your plans in place and stick with them,don't reveal how much or little you know about what he's done and look after your self.It's a long hard road but if he starts crawling back stay tough as cheaters don't change imo. Best of luck OP

dragona

Ok well too much bother to keep going anon, so here it is.I dont care who knows.

I told him I had to speak to him, and I said I know he is having an affair. He called me all the names under the sun of course, and denied denied denied. I did tell him I have proof, and I told him that due to his constant lies about everything, I needed to know the facts, and that I recorded a conversation he had. He went mad of course, hes done with me, I am a lowlife for spying etcetc. Then *OK WHATEVER< I AM! HAPPY NOW?? BELIEVE WHAT YOU LIKE. IM NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR. She is a friend he talks to sometimes, cant even remember her name,haha really, she calls him he doesnt call her, he deletes the number off his phone because he knows I snoop, anyway basically a load of bull. Contradicted himself plenty.LIAR LIAR LIAR Cant even go into the crap he spouted.

I told him Im not leaving. He said he will go in spare room till he can get out, so that is a result of some sort. Or so he says.He did pick up a bottle of wine on the table and threaten to smash my face in with it. I just stayed calm and backed away.

He then amazingly mentioned the holiday I have already booked. Told me hes not going to deny his daughter a holiday, hes not about to lose that money,, he will give us spending money, he is not a bas***d etc. UNBELIEVABLE.

He has now stormed out of the house and driven off. I am shaking like a leaf.

I just want to say thank you to all of you for all the advice offered, it really has been a help.

Saipanne

dragona wrote: »

Ok well too much bother to keep going anon, so here it is.I dont care who knows.

I told him I had to speak to him, and I said I know he is having an affair. He called me all the names under the sun of course, and denied denied denied. I did tell him I have proof, and I told him that due to his constant lies about everything, I needed to know the facts, and that I recorded a conversation he had. He went mad of course, hes done with me, I am a lowlife for spying etcetc. Then *OK WHATEVER< I AM! HAPPY NOW?? BELIEVE WHAT YOU LIKE. IM NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR. She is a friend he talks to sometimes, cant even remember her name,haha really, she calls him he doesnt call her, he deletes the number off his phone because he knows I snoop, anyway basically a load of bull. Contradicted himself plenty.LIAR LIAR LIAR Cant even go into the crap he spouted.

I told him Im not leaving. He said he will go in spare room till he can get out, so that is a result of some sort. Or so he says.He did pick up a bottle of wine on the table and threaten to smash my face in with it. I just stayed calm and backed away.

He then amazingly mentioned the holiday I have already booked. Told me hes not going to deny his daughter a holiday, hes not about to lose that money,, he will give us spending money, he is not a bas***d etc. UNBELIEVABLE.

He has now stormed out of the house and driven off. I am shaking like a leaf.

I just want to say thank you to all of you for all the advice offered, it really has been a help.

Well done. You were very brave.

Big Bag of Chips

It's only the start. He will now swing between "f**k you, if you think you're getting a penny off me" to "I would never leave you or the children stuck". He's gone now to tell her he's been rumbled. She might decide it's not much fun anymore and back off too! You will be going through a range of emotions, but so will he. You've caught him now, so he will swing between defiant, embarrassed, sorry, 'you drove me to it' etc. And once he finds out others know be prepared for the worst of it. He won't particularly care about YOU knowing. He will hate the fact others know. And that will be YOUR fault by the way. He will tell you he has to get out because he can't bear to be around you after you've told lies about him!!

Read up a bit about cheaters even a few threads here.... They're text book!

dragona

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It's only the start. He will now swing between "f**k you, if you think you're getting a penny off me" to "I would never leave you or the children stuck". He's gone now to tell her he's been rumbled. She might decide it's not much fun anymore and back off too!

I dont care either way.
Hes gone to the bookies, has been there an hour. Thats where a lot of the money goes I checked on Google.habit I suppose. Just walked in now. I feel relieved but so sick:( I actually havent eaten in three days, I cant Im worried to death about my daughter, tears wont come.

Sapphire

He made a threat to smash a bottle in your face. That's very concerning tbh. Do you have a real-life support network if he kicks off at another time?

dragona

no.... I have a Garda friend that I called this morning to ask advice just in case, went to voicemail. Thing is hes not really a friend exactly, just an ex boyfriend of an ex friend I had, dont really know him...though we were friendly at one point Or my sons but they are not close by.I have a girlfriend, shes quite a new friend though,she knows,in an emergency maybe.

If I dont talk to him at all, I think it will be calm. I think.

Big Bag of Chips

I know it's easy to say bit try not get dragged into an argument with him. He's not ready to talk about anything yet, he probably never will be. So any conversation/argument you have now will either be filled with lies, or it will be to attack you to deflect attention from himself.

Don't get sucked in.

Chances are your daughter is going to be fine. She's 20, so while she will need support when this is being investigated she's not "sick", so she doesn't need you hanging around the house minding her... She's probably not even home herself, is she? Can you go out? Anywhere? For a 2 hour walk?!! You don't need to be around him at the moment. He doesn't need to be around you. The time for talking may come, but it's not today. Any talking done today, or anytime over the next few days will just be rowing. You don't need to hear the things he is going to say to you! He won't even mean the things he says, but he needs to hurt you because he's caught... And it's your fault he's caught.

Jesus! Why do people put themselves through affairs? Where do they think it will eventually end? I'd be interested to see how many affairs end in happy relationships where everything works out for the best!

dragona

My daughter is at home. She cannot stand him, not just for this but for a long time now.She doesn't want to be alone in the house with him. She sees the way he is, and doesn't like it.

I wish I could go for a walk, I can barely stand up Im so tired and drained.My head is exploding.I am just sitting here, in my room.The prick is watching the racing on tv.

LegacyUser

Eat something, chicken and rice with some soya sauce. Drink water or a sports drink, lots of it. Last thing you want is you in a physical weakened state. You'll be useless.

You're allready going through the mill mentally. Doing a great job, but still going through the mill.

dragona

Well nothing has changed. I asked my daughter to hide the money in her room, which she agreed to do.And my jewellery, and some important documents. I have the spare key for the car, which he has asked for repeatedly, I said I dint have it. He has asked her if she has seen it, and she said no, of course because I have it.

I HAVE asked him again downstairs just to tell me the truth,I have repeatedly told him I have proof,I have not lost my temper, ranted or raved. I'm living on xanax and cabernet.

My daughter, has been texting my son, telling him I am provoking him, trying to start an argument,keep asking him to tell me the truth etc

I THEN had a call from my son laying into me, telling me to leave it.Daughter then gives me back all the stuff she agreed to hide, saying she doesnt feel comfortable with it. She is scared he is going to trash her stuff looking for the car key, which I have and she knows I have.

I feel as if Ive been stabbed in the heart, Again.

njs030

dragona wrote: »

Well nothing has changed. I asked my daughter to hide the money in her room, which she agreed to do.And my jewellery, and some important documents. I have the spare key for the car, which he has asked for repeatedly, I said I dint have it. He has asked her if she has seen it, and she said no, of course because I have it.

I HAVE asked him again downstairs just to tell me the truth,I have repeatedly told him I have proof,I have not lost my temper, ranted or raved. I'm living on xanax and cabernet.

My daughter, has been texting my son, telling him I am provoking him, trying to start an argument,keep asking him to tell me the truth etc

I THEN had a call from my son laying into me, telling me to leave it.Daughter then gives me back all the stuff she agreed to hide, saying she doesnt feel comfortable with it. She is scared he is going to trash her stuff looking for the car key, which I have and she knows I have.

I feel as if Ive been stabbed in the heart, Again.

Great advice already on this thread, all I would add is try to keep your children out of it. Your daughter is right not to get caught in the middle and it's best if you don't put her there.

Its between you and him,not her.

Penny Tration

Hey OP.

I totally understand feeling betrayed and hurt by your daughter now. Believe me, I do. I'll try to explain a little bit of how your daughter is feeling, from the perspective of someone who lived with parents at each other's throats.


Your daughter cannot and will not understand just how hurt and heartbroken you are. All she will think is "yes, mam is upset but why does she keep going on and on at dad? It's not fair to me to have to listen to this! Why is she making me hide her stuff? When he doesn't find it in their room, he'll come into mine. I don't wanna take sides and I don't want him going through my stuff! Ugh, why can't she just keep the peace?!"

Sounds selfish, but just like how you're only feeling your own pain right now, your daughter is only feeling hers. She's torn between her mam and dad. yes, she may not like him but I guarantee she loves him, deep down. And for her, she feels she's being dragged into picking a side by helping you, and by having to listen to the arguments.


I understand the tremendous pain you're in, but you need to try keep your daughter in mind too. She's hurting too. Her world has been torn apart too. Her dad isn't the man she thought he was, and her mam is constantly upset and arguing. That's going to have an effect on her.

Please don't ask her to hide things. Please hold your anger and need for answers until the times when she's not at home.


As for yourself. Some totally practical advice - get rid of the wine. It's not going to help. it's a depressant. If you need something to distract yourself, focus on practical stuff like seeking legal advice, or endorphin releasing stuff like exercising. Start eating. You need it for strength, both physically and mentally.


You're being incredibly brave, and I commend you. But your last post, it makes it seem that you're starting to crumble. That's understandable, but if you can eat and lay off the wine, you'll find the strength to pick yourself up, look after yourself AND your kids, and move forward as best as you can.

Don't let his actions reduce you to this.

LegacyUser

Having been exactly where you are I completely understand everything you are going through. I could have predicted your last post. You cannot involve your children. You hate your husband. You cannot see a time where you will get past this. You want him to admit he's done you wrong. You want him to be sorry. You want him to be remorseful. You probably even want him to hug you and tell you it's going to be ok. Your life is completely upside down. You want answers. You want to hurt him. You want him to go and leave you in peace. You want him to stay and make things better. You don't know how you are going to get out of bed tomorrow. You don't know how you can possibly keep going. I lost about a stone when I found out my husband was cheating. I physically couldn't eat. I actually physically couldn't swallow food. Of course you need to eat, but don't worry about that for the moment. It will come back when you are over the initial shock.

As I mentioned before, my biggest regret is the way I handled myself. The way I behaved. I should have walked away. Even times I did walk away, I'd come back looking for answers that I knew I wasn't going to get. And it would turn into a shouting match. It would turn into me sobbing, begging him to not be so horrible to me. Begging him to look at me, shattered, on breaking point and realise what he was doing to me. It was a horrible vicious circle for months. Months. I do believe had I left to go somewhere else, even temporarily, I would have saved myself all that upset.

Your children don't want to take sides. And often in families mam gets the brunt of everyone's anger, often because they're a bit more afraid of confronting dad! Even children who come from an abusive relationship, where the father beats the mother, often blame the mother for "allowing" it to continue. For not having the strength to leave and protect them from that. You are the victim of your husband's behaviour. But now your daughter is seeing you attacking, fighting, looking for answers etc, and she doesn't want to hear that. The fact that your husband cheated is now a side issue for her. Now the issue is the constant arguing. You asking her to take sides. You putting her in an awkward position. For your sons, it's that they are listening to their sister telling them how she's been put in the middle of your arguments.

It is impossible to not fight with your husband at the moment. Believe me, I know. You want him to know how much he hurt you. You want him to realise how wrong he has been. You want to get the message across to him. But your daughter, or your sons, are not part of it. You cannot put them in the middle and use them as your support system. He's been a dickhead, but he's their dad. I know you are still going to have to work through the various stages of this that you need to. And it is likely to get much uglier before it becomes better. I know none of the advice I've offered will probably make much difference to your actions over the next weeks and months. Honestly, even though I know I was wrong in a lot of how I reacted, I cannot be sure I'd have done it any differently even if someone had given me all the advice! Emotions are a strong thing, and it is very difficult to keep a cool head at a highly emotional time.

I hope whatever happens, it happens quickly. Like I said in my first post to you, I feel very sad for everything you are going through, and still have to go through. It is an horrific time.

LegacyUser

Have you gone to the Social Welfare to split your payments? Maybe call to the CWO first to see what your entitlements will be and you can start planning and budgeting for yourself. If he is claiming for you all, and spends most of it in the bookies, at least taking control of your own portion will give you a bit more security.

If you are determined to leave him, then start making plans. You are renting your house, so you can try find somewhere else to rent. If he won't move out, you do. It won't be easy, and living purely on social welfare will make it difficult, but it is possible. And getting out of that atmosphere will do you the world of good. Your daughter is 20, so an adult in her own right. She may decide to move with you, or she may decide to stay, but don't take whatever decision she makes personally. But do accept how difficult a position she is in.

Can you go to your GP again and talk about your disability? If you are really unable to work, then you should be signed as such, and your GP could write a letter to the Social Welfare office for you. You may have already done this with no joy, but it's worth trying again/appealing. Get as much information as you can, and start to do practical things that will give you back a bit of independence and a bit of self worth. It's so easy to fall into the pity trap, and think all is lost. You have been dependent on your husband for a long time. But if he wasn't around tomorrow you'd survive.

Wompa1

An aside but you really need to also try to fend for yourself now...hopefully you talked to citizens and have something sorted. It sounded like you were completely dependent on him and that was a big reason why you had to hold off on confronting him for so long.

Don't allow him to control you any more. With money or threats.

If I was you, I would go to the Gardai and report that he threatened to smash the bottle in your face. If for nothing else to have it on record. If you want to kick him out of the house, you can. You can ask the Gardai to come along with you to get him out if he's threatening you and the kids.

Sunflower 27

Tell your children. You need support. They are adults. You reared them and now it is their turn to help you.

He sounds horrendous. I'm sorry, but he sounds utterly horrible to you.