Broken hearted at end of relationship

runningbuddy

Hi folks....I know I'm going to be judged but really need to vent. I'm in my 40's (a woman). Married with 3 kids but my marriage has been on the rocks for many years. My husband works away and that suits us both. I was promoted to a different department in work 2 years ago and met my colleague...let's call him John. We clicked immediately. Got on great...we tried not to overstep the line as he too is married. However, after about a year, our friendship developed into a full blown affair. Yes, it was wrong. I fell head over heels in love with him and I still am. Just after Xmas, he told his wife he was leaving..he didn't tell her about us..they too hadn't been happy in a long time. We continued to see each other and things were great, really great. However, 2 weeks ago, he told me he wanted to try to make his marriage work. He was missing his children desperately..this, I totally understand. But I just cannot get over this. I miss him so, so much and we still work together, which is torture. I am taking two weeks off this week. My head/heart in bits....my husband has suspected something and I haven't told him yet. He had a frank discussion with me last weekend...he only comes home every other weekend and he said he too wants to make changes and work on us. But my heart is shattered...I miss John so, so much....I still love him...I appreciate he is making a go of his marriage and I respect that....but now do I move on?? How do I get over him??

Merkin

Have you any interest in working on your own marriage? I think either way you need to tell your husband. You said he has expressed an interest in making changes and giving it a go but I don't believe it's fair to him to have reached this conclusion when he's not armed with all the facts. Tell him what has happened.

In order to get over John you need space from another and you also need to give him the space to repair his marriage if that's what they have decided they want to do.

runningbuddy

Thanks merkin..I don't know how I feel about my own marriage to be honest...and you are right, I will tell my husband...it's just the pain in my heart..it's bloody crazy ....haven't felt this way in about 25 years!!

CPTM

Is your husband's routine of being away so much one of the difficulties that led to you searching for affection elsewhere? Only mentioning it because it's something that I went through recently with my other half too. They were not around as much and I found myself exploring boundaries with other people to fill the gap. Before anything happened, I made sure to sit down with them and we had a frank discussion, deciding that a balance was needed between being away and being here.

But that's just my side, it could be different reasons for you. My own advice would be to give the marraige a shot, especially if your husband is willing to. Try to remember what brought you two close in the beginning and work from there. In the same way as you are going to have a chat with your husband on how to make your marriage work, it might be worth having a conversation with John on how to make the breakup work. Breakups require 'working on' too.

Jack Killian

runningbuddy wrote: »

Hi folks....I know I'm going to be judged but really need to vent. I'm in my 40's (a woman). Married with 3 kids but my marriage has been on the rocks for many years. My husband works away and that suits us both. I was promoted to a different department in work 2 years ago and met my colleague...let's call him John. We clicked immediately. Got on great...we tried not to overstep the line as he too is married. However, after about a year, our friendship developed into a full blown affair. Yes, it was wrong. I fell head over heels in love with him and I still am. Just after Xmas, he told his wife he was leaving..he didn't tell her about us..they too hadn't been happy in a long time. We continued to see each other and things were great, really great. However, 2 weeks ago, he told me he wanted to try to make his marriage work. He was missing his children desperately..this, I totally understand. But I just cannot get over this. I miss him so, so much and we still work together, which is torture. I am taking two weeks off this week. My head/heart in bits....my husband has suspected something and I haven't told him yet. He had a frank discussion with me last weekend...he only comes home every other weekend and he said he too wants to make changes and work on us. But my heart is shattered...I miss John so, so much....I still love him...I appreciate he is making a go of his marriage and I respect that....but now do I move on?? How do I get over him??

I would suggest that the first thing to do is to end your marriage. You seem to have more of a worry regarding this John than your husband, and while relationships do break down and I wouldn't criticise or judge anyone for calling a halt to something that wasn't working, the lack of any real acknowledgement of your husband wanting things to work bar a throwaway "he wants to work on us", with no reciprocal indication that you might consider that, means that you need to let him go, as - from that post anyway - you don't love him.

Keane2baMused

First port of call

Tell your husband of the affair. Let it be his choice whether he remains with the woman he calls his wife,who has cheated on him for a long time (that's also assuming you want to stay with him).

Second port of call

Leave 'John' be to work on his marriage, he has told you that is what he wants to do so you just have to accept it (not to be harsh). You are not a teenager, you're a grown woman who got herself into a foolish situation.

Counselling for yourself may not be a bad idea either to figure out the how's and why you really got into this situation and how you can deal with potential fallback.

runningbuddy

Thanks all...honestly it's great to get some feedback and to be able to vent...as I can't talk to anyone in real life...I do feel pathetic. I have always been a v.sensible, straight person. Got on with raising the kids, working, looking after everything while hubby was away. I think this has caused huge resentment on my part but I supressed it. I know deep down it could never work with John. A lot of baggage...hurt, upset.

Keane2baMused

runningbuddy wrote: »

Thanks all...honestly it's great to get some feedback and to be able to vent...as I can't talk to anyone in real life...I do feel pathetic. I have always been a v.sensible, straight person. Got on with raising the kids, working, looking after everything while hubby was away. I think this has caused huge resentment on my part but I supressed it. I know deep down it could never work with John. A lot of baggage...hurt, upset.

You're not pathetic.

However you have done something which could/will cause an awful lot of hurt to a lot of people. When children are involved things are way way more complicated.

I understand you may feel love for John but don't be too sure you are in love with him. Often in these situations the person thinks it's love because they have that 'honeymoon' feeling and none of the crap that comes with real life.

If you are finding it hard to talk to people in your life do seek out some counselling. They can give you unbiased advice and help you where to go from here.

Jack Killian

runningbuddy wrote: »

Thanks all...honestly it's great to get some feedback and to be able to vent...as I can't talk to anyone in real life...I do feel pathetic. I have always been a v.sensible, straight person. Got on with raising the kids, working, looking after everything while hubby was away. I think this has caused huge resentment on my part but I supressed it. I know deep down it could never work with John. A lot of baggage...hurt, upset.

That's no reason to continue deceiving your husband, though. Regardless of whether John is around or not, your husband deserves better.

Also - like a holiday romance with no stresses - an affair can often be seen through rose-coloured glasses.

You blame resentment for your part in raising the family you chose to have with your husband; have you ever considered why he works so hard ? I don't have the answer to that, but is it not possible that that's to provide for your joint family?

Have you ever considered that he, two, may have had moments of resentment and been tempted while away overnight, only to decide to honour the commitment he made to you?

Honestly not having a go - but the complete lack of any worthwhile comment re him, his feelings and his commitment is standing out a mile.

Ursus Horribilis

Often when it comes to dealing with complicated problems, the best way to start is to break them into bitesize pieces.

The first thing you should deal with here is your marriage. I get the impression that you're not all that interested in saving it. If that's the way you're thinking, don't beat yourself up about it. Would you consider going to marriage counselling with your husband - not with a view to saving the marriage but with the ending of it in mind? Ideally for everyone involved, it would be better if you could split on good terms. As to whether you should tell your husband about John, I honestly don't know. Perhaps you could speak to a counsellor by yourself before you ever go anywhere with your husband and get advice about that.

What happened with John is something that's out of your control. He's gone back to his wife and who knows what way that'll turn out. I think for now, you should look after you and the things you can have a say in. I think going to talk to a counsellor would be a great idea - they're not going to condemn you for what happened and they might help you see things more clearly.

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. My advice to you is to first put your affair behind you and concentrate on your own marriage. Also I would suggest that both yourself and your husband attend marriage counselling and try and work things out between the two of you. Also concentrate on your children how old are they if you dont mind me asking? Maybe going on holiday as a family together would be a great way of spending time together as most holiday resorts have kids club and babysitting avaliable as that way you and your husband can spend some quality time together and the kids will thank you for it.

Xterminator

OP there seem t be a lot of people who are unhappy in marriage, but never do anything about it, unless .. they meet someone else.

you and john met & clicked. but what should have happened was you ended your old relationships before getting physically and emotionally involved. Had there been a clean break maybe your new relationship would have survived. Because cheating is not a stable basis for a lasting relationship, and calls the character of the cheaters into question. The excitement and lust fades, and the hard reality of life sinks in.

OP - i would say you have been fairly selfish thus far; you had your family home, and kids - hubby supporting your family, whilst emotionally having your lover and all the excitement there too. your choices will have far reaching impact on your husband and children, and on johns wife and children.

But where to from here? I suspect you are in limbo. The fact you married your current husband suggests you loved him once. Is that relationship dead, or can it be worked on? Would councelling be an option? If you confess will he want to save it?

Only you can know. Perhaps you cannot save your marriage, or dont want to. but you can act honorably from here on in; and untangle the mess you are in now, with a focus on minimising the hurt for those around you.

sorry, if the above sounds harsh. Its not a dig at you personally. I know there are 2 in a relationship and a myriad of reasons why you got to where you did. I suggest you think long and hard about your next step, and its implications for your children and your husband.

runningbuddy

Thanks again all...it really is great to get advice. I can't talk to friends or family about this. Am off work for a couple of weeks so at least I don't have to see John. I am not pursuing him or anything ...he wants to work on his marriage and I respect that. As for my own marriage, I really don't know. My emotions are all over the place regarding John. I do love him. I know it couldn't work though. We have 6 kids between us. My own 3 are 17, 14 and 12. I'm in a bit of a stand still in my life. I'm getting older, my kids are getting older...life seems to be changing too fast...I know that sounds a bit crazy....

Ursus Horribilis

It's interesting that you've an awful lot to say about John and very little about your husband or the marriage... Be careful you don't allow yourself to become too distracted by that particular aspect of your problem.

runningbuddy

Odus fell down wrote: »

It's interesting that you've an awful lot to say about John and very little about your husband or the marriage... Be careful you don't allow yourself to become too distracted by that particular aspect of your problem.

I know Odus. I think because my behaviour has been so bad, I am distancing myself from my husband. During the affair, everytime my husband came into my mind, I immediately blanked it so as to justify it. I know it sounds awful. This isn't me at all. 10 years ago, I would have been horrified at the thoughts of having an affair.

Big Bag of Chips

So what do you want to do? You are lusting after a man that is not available. So what do you want to do? The reality is when most men leave their family they discover that life isn't all that great on the outside. They realise they've probably messed up big time by thinking the grass is greener. John didn't just go back to his wife because of the kids. He went back also to be with his wife. So now, you have feelings for a married man, that aren't reciprocated, so what do you do?

You are married yourself. So you either accept that you have fallen out of love with your husband and come clean to him about why you want to leave, or you try very very hard to make a go of it with your husband. He senses there's problems. Probably even has an idea something has been going on, who knows. But, while you can pine over John all you like you need to face the fact that you are hindering your husband's opportunity to be happy. If you're not happy in your marriage to him, he's hardly likely to be too happy himself, is he?

So you stop being selfish for the first time in a number of years and decide what next. You break up your marriage and give your husband the chance to be happy with someone else (just like you've been for the past couple of years) or you commit to making your husband be happy with you.

It's piss or get off the pot time.

Jack Killian

runningbuddy wrote: »

I know Odus. I think because my behaviour has been so bad, I am distancing myself from my husband. During the affair, everytime my husband came into my mind, I immediately blanked it so as to justify it. I know it sounds awful. This isn't me at all. 10 years ago, I would have been horrified at the thoughts of having an affair.

That doesn't "sound awful"; it makes no sense.

Assuming that your husband is having similar fun while away might "justify it"; but blocking him from your mind isn't "justifying" anything; it's suspending the truth and your commitment in order to have your fun guilt-free.

Obviously it's an emotive topic and easy to blur things together when typing them, but can you try again, so that we can understand your thinking ?

Maybe by "justify it" you meant "let yourself off the hook" ?