My mother still embarrasses me...

LegacyUser

I feel foolish even talking about this, but it has really been bugging me lately. I am 30 years old and even at this age I still find that my mother embarrasses me. She doesn't do it on purposes, and most of the time it's not in front of other people.

No matter how I put this, I know I will come across as the bad guy because I am saying negative things about my mother, but I just need to get it off my chest.

The problem is that my mother just doesn't use her brain. She has a simplistic view on everything and struggles with the most basic of things. For instance, she can barely comprehend on how to use her phone. I'm not talking about a smart phone, I mean a normal landline phone. I've tried time after time to explain it to her but it never seems to stick.

She also regularly forgets the name of everyday things, or pronounces common words incorrectly, even if I or my siblings have corrected her many times before. She just can't grasp it.

This problem gets even worse when she is drinking. Even after a single glass of wine she starts talking very foolishly. When we're in company I can't relax because she does silly things and I get really embarrassed.

I figure there's nothing I can do, but I just need to vent because I can't really talk to anyone about it.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

I think you have probably just described a version of how everybody feels about their mother at some stage. I doubt there's a mother out there who hasn't embarrassed their offspring, struggled with technology, said a few stupid things etc. I wouldn't sweat it though, most rational people don't project their behaviour onto their children, so you don't need to feel it reflects on you. As for having to tell her something a few times, it's frustrating alright, but she carried you and wiped your arse, so you can pay it back.

Milked out

Stop thinking of the "embarrassment" of it for you and figure out ways to help her. Forgetfulness could be a sign of early onset alzheimers or anything. You shouldn't be worried about what others will think but making sure she is alright no 1 and if so people are who they are you said it yourself she doesn't mean to so getting annoyed by it isn't going to help. I know you came here to vent but you need to see the bigger picture over getting annoyed over things like that

taxus_baccata

Instead of focusing on the things that embarrass you have a look at the things she does well. She seems to have raised you and your siblings through the 80s when neither money nor support were plentiful. Do you have fun with your mum, is she kind and loving?

My Dad is a bit on the slow side when it comes to modern technology, systems etc., but he's a genius at his job and he's an A1 dad and grandad. He always put us first - in everything, worked his ass off in cold and harsh conditions to ensure we wanted for nothing. My brother and I love the random mistakes he makes, he even tells us about them and we all have a good laugh. He made a series of gaffs when I brought home the man I went on to marry for the first time. My brother and I are still laughing, my husband and my dad get on like a house on fire. We embrace it and celebrate it, because it makes him who he is. Unique, special and a one in a million father.

I don't mean to cast aspersions but you mentioned very little positive about your mother? Are there deeper issues. I know I was mortified by my parents as a teenager (I believe that's quite common) but I'm in my mid thirties now and I'm comfortable in my own skin that I don't really care what people think of me or my family - we've nothing to be embarrassed about. We all make mistakes but we're not hurting anyone.

bonyn

If it's any consolation, she won't be around forever..

Try to be a bit more tolerant.

Xterminator

Hi OP - i have changed this around a little.

I remember how embarrassed i was a parent when my young children would sh|t themselves and smell bad. i would have to change their nappies, and that wasn't great either.
I remember when they struggled to complete sentences - god that was trying.
I hated when they couldn't even get the food into their mouth every time and i had to change their clothes several times a day. i would have to give them instructions several times for simple tasks, and sometimes they just couldn't grasp my instructions or forget them soon after.

Does that sound right to you OP?

Because your mum could say all that and more about you. and now you have reached a time in life where the shoe is on the other foot. I assure you she didn't actually feel go around feeling embarrassed about the above situations. But perhaps she handled it with better grace than you are showing now.

Please think of all she did for you, count your blessings, and perhaps you can keep doing these kind things for your mum without resenting her for it.

Best of luck

X

Keane2baMused

OP, there will be a time one day when you struggle to grasp the latest technology, when your body has grown older and can't hold a tipple as well as it once did, when forming coherent thoughts and sentences takes all the more effort as age slows down your processing ability.

This is the time now when you can give back to her after her giving you life and (I assume) ensuring the best for you.

You should be proud of her. One day you will look back and wish for just one more day where she could embarrass you.

cactusgal

Milked out wrote: »

Stop thinking of the "embarrassment" of it for you and figure out ways to help her. Forgetfulness could be a sign of early onset alzheimers or anything. You shouldn't be worried about what others will think but making sure she is alright no 1 and if so people are who they are you said it yourself she doesn't mean to so getting annoyed by it isn't going to help. I know you came here to vent but you need to see the bigger picture over getting annoyed over things like that

Not to alarm you unnecessarily, OP, but you might want to gently suggest that she be screened for dementia. My mother first started showing signs of early onset Alzheimer's when she was 61, I found it exasperating and embarrassing at the time, but soon came to realize that it wasn't my mother's fault, it was a brain disease. Try to encourage her to read, do crosswords, keep her mind sharp. (I hope I am wrong, but it is something to think about, unfortunately).

LegacyUser

It just gets very frustrating that she doesn't use her noggin. She doesn't read (besides tabloid newspapers), she doesn't do crosswords, she has no hobbies beyond watching soaps and drinking wine.

Someone said if the shoe was on the other foot, and how she might have been frustrated with me growing up. Of course that's to be expected, I was a helpless child with no experience of the world. My mother is a grown woman who has lived life and would expect to have gained some wisdom along the way.

I compare her to my father. He has tons of hobbies, he's active, drinks very moderately, reads books, watches documentaries. They are polar opposites in many ways.

I don't think she has dementia or Alzheimer's, it may be that I am just coming to realise it now because growing up I had this view of her just being my mother and that's how mothers were. But now I guess I see her a bit differently.

Do I have anything positive to say about her? Yes, of course. She has always looked after me and cared for me and I'm sure would do anything for me as long as it would make me happy. I know I sound very negative about my mother, but I do care about her, I'm just worried that she's not being the best she can be.

LegacyUser

I don't want to scare you unnecessarily but if your mum's forgetful ways are a new thing, it could be a sign of something more serious.

My mum has dementia and she first started showing signs of it when she was in her forties. It's unusual for somebody that young to have dementia but it's not as rare as people think. At first, it was like she had undergone a personality change. My mum had always been an intelligent, sensible person with a great sense of humour. But now she turned into someone who was a bit silly, said stupid things and cracked jokes like she had never done before. I later learned that this often happens to people in the early stages of dementia. On some level they know something is wrong and they cover their lapses by disguising them with humour.

She also wasn't able to handle new technology either. Mobile phones were coming in around the time she started to fall ill and she never could figure out how to use those either. She used to repeat the same things over and over again. She became fixated with different things every other week. One week it was her handbag, another it was one of her dresses, another time it was her purse.

I could have written a lot of your post when I was your age. I found it extremely hard to cope with my mother's illness and sometimes I snapped. Like one day I had no choice but to bring her with me to town. When we got back to my car she just kept walking around and wouldn't get into the car. So I snapped and felt the most incredible outpouring of rage. I just stood at the door of my car and screamed and screamed at her until I was hoarse. Get into the car, get into the car, get into the car. This happened on a Saturday afternoon in the middle of a busy car park and there were people staring at me. I still regret that day and I hope my poor mum soon forgot about it.

I don't know if I would've handled things differently if I had been older at the time. At this stage I was only in my early twenties and a not mature enough to deal with something as awful as this. I was also finding it very very hard to cope with losing my mother to one of the cruellest diseases there is out there. I wish I had been kinder to her at the time. She told me once that I scared her. When I look back I can see why. The poor thing knew something was wrong and that nothing she could say or do would be right. I was too messed up in the head to see this at the time and I wasn't as compassionate as I should have been. All I could feel was my heartbreak and terror and anger and resentment and worry about what was happening. I never saw things from my mother's point of view.

Please god your mother's not got what my mother has. I felt I had to tell you my story. If nothing else, I hope it will put things into perspective for you. You didn't say when this started – if this is the way your mother has always been then please try to accept for how she is. I lost my mother as a human being nearly 20 years ago and I would do anything to get her back. I'm older, wiser and sadder.

Ursus Horribilis

cladry wrote: »

It just gets very frustrating that she doesn't use her noggin. She doesn't read (besides tabloid newspapers), she doesn't do crosswords, she has no hobbies beyond watching soaps and drinking wine. ...I compare her to my father. He has tons of hobbies, he's active, drinks very moderately, reads books, watches documentaries. They are polar opposites in many ways...I know I sound very negative about my mother, but I do care about her, I'm just worried that she's not being the best she can be.

Your dad was happy to marry your mother so she can't be that bad! Maybe you need to look at this differently. You're holding her up to some sort of arbitrary standard you've set for her. I have friends who don't read or do puzzles or have meaningful hobbies. I've friends who love their soaps. Does that make me look at them any differently? It hadn't crossed my mind until I read this. Maybe your mum was never going to be an intellectual high-flyer, even if she wanted to be.

Even though you say you don't think she has Alzheimer's or anything like that, the wine she's drinking could be a problem. It depends how much of it she's drinking though. There seems to be a connection between drinking too much alcohol and brain damage but that's not a road that I'm going to go down along here. It's a thought through.

Faith

Is this a new issue, or has she always been like that?

If she has always been like this, perhaps you're starting to realise that she's on a different cognitive level than you want her to be. Learning new skills might be a real challenge for her. Reading and crosswords might be too challenging to be enjoyable. This might just be who she is as a person, and you need to learn to accept that her hobbies and interests are never going to be what you think they should be. Try not to think of it as her "not using her noggin". Try to think of it as her brain being different to yours. Some things that you find easy just might not be easy for her.

Ursus Horribilis

How about looking out for some sort of fun new interest/hobby that the two of you could do together? Something to get you out of the house. If she's mainly into watching soaps and drinking wine, there's a chance your mum's social life could do with a bit of a shake-up anyway.

cactusgal

sad daughter wrote: »

I don't want to scare you unnecessarily but if your mum's forgetful ways are a new thing, it could be a sign of something more serious.

My mum has dementia and she first started showing signs of it when she was in her forties. It's unusual for somebody that young to have dementia but it's not as rare as people think. At first, it was like she had undergone a personality change. My mum had always been an intelligent, sensible person with a great sense of humour. But now she turned into someone who was a bit silly, said stupid things and cracked jokes like she had never done before. I later learned that this often happens to people in the early stages of dementia. On some level they know something is wrong and they cover their lapses by disguising them with humour.

She also wasn't able to handle new technology either. Mobile phones were coming in around the time she started to fall ill and she never could figure out how to use those either. She used to repeat the same things over and over again. She became fixated with different things every other week. One week it was her handbag, another it was one of her dresses, another time it was her purse.

I could have written a lot of your post when I was your age. I found it extremely hard to cope with my mother's illness and sometimes I snapped. Like one day I had no choice but to bring her with me to town. When we got back to my car she just kept walking around and wouldn't get into the car. So I snapped and felt the most incredible outpouring of rage. I just stood at the door of my car and screamed and screamed at her until I was hoarse. Get into the car, get into the car, get into the car. This happened on a Saturday afternoon in the middle of a busy car park and there were people staring at me. I still regret that day and I hope my poor mum soon forgot about it.

I don't know if I would've handled things differently if I had been older at the time. At this stage I was only in my early twenties and a not mature enough to deal with something as awful as this. I was also finding it very very hard to cope with losing my mother to one of the cruellest diseases there is out there. I wish I had been kinder to her at the time. She told me once that I scared her. When I look back I can see why. The poor thing knew something was wrong and that nothing she could say or do would be right. I was too messed up in the head to see this at the time and I wasn't as compassionate as I should have been. All I could feel was my heartbreak and terror and anger and resentment and worry about what was happening. I never saw things from my mother's point of view.

Please god your mother's not got what my mother has. I felt I had to tell you my story. If nothing else, I hope it will put things into perspective for you. You didn't say when this started – if this is the way your mother has always been then please try to accept for how she is. I lost my mother as a human being nearly 20 years ago and I would do anything to get her back. I'm older, wiser and sadder.

I'm not trying to derail the OP's post, but I just wanted to say that I truly feel for you, saddaughter. I was 22 when my mother first started showing signs of dementia.

OP, if you think your mother does not have Alzheimer's/dementia, then you should truly thank your lucky stars and enjoy her for as long as you can.

But if this is new behaviour, I would strongly suggest a screening. Early intervention can help.

LegacyUser

Thank you Cactusgirl for your kind words. I really appreciate them

@cladry I looked back over what I wrote and felt I had to add a few more things before I bow out.

My mother's dementia didn't happen overnight. I am convinced that for 3-4 years before she started showing definite signs of the illness, she was dumbing down as a person. It wasn't something I noticed at the time - none of us did. I mentioned in my first post that people in the early stages of dementia often try to cover their tracks with humour. They do it in different ways too.

The thought also crossed my mind that your mum is of menopause age. For some women the menopause can have strange effects on them. Is she seeing a doctor?

If your mum is in the whole of her health and there is nothing wrong with her, then please try to be kinder to her. She's no fool and she probably knows you're looking down at her. It was different in my case but I am so sorry I was hard on my mum. I used to get so frustrated at her in the early stages. What good was telling her to think ever going to do? I was a mouthy 22 year old who knew nothing about the way humans work. All it did was made her afraid to open her mouth because she knew I was going to judge her. What a harsh judge I was too.

You can't change your mother so stop trying to. Go live your own life and be glad you have her in your life. A lot of people will tell you that their parents drive them nuts anyway. If I had to go live with my father I'd probably be starting a thread here too.

freshpopcorn

If you are concerned about your mother you'd need to discuss it with your father and then think about seeing a GP! The wine might be an issue to look at!
However I get the impression from your post that your mam has always being like this all your life and if I'm being honest I think lots of people have a relative/parent that they consider not to be up to speed with things. So what if she enjoys spending her evenings watching soaps and reading tabloid newspapers. I know people and they hate reading books. It's just not there thing. Your mother has her talents to and could say to people that your not up to speed with things as well!

tea and coffee

If its not a recent thing (dementia as others have mentioned, then really I would try to leave your mum be who she is. Ok, she's not the most dynamic, but if she's happy with her life that's all that matters.
Re the dementia thing. No harm getting it checked out or asking others if they've noticed a disimprovement.
OT, but to the person who yelled at their mum. I can relate to your story. My dad's dementia used to frustrate me so badly and I did get mad at him sometimes too. I feel awful about it too.