Where From Here

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Would love some advise on a situation that i find myself with a certain lady friend but before i do would like to give some background to help understand my problem.

I am a 28 year old male and have been single going on 6 years now and have only ever had one girlfriend in my life. When that relationship ended to say i was crushed would be an understatement and it took me a extremely long time and a lot of counselling to help me get through it which i did.
Part of the reason i have been single so long was my head was just not in the right place with my situation but also i hadn't met a girl since my previous relationship that made me feel the way that she did and i was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with me until....and this is where my problems have started.

This new girl started in my work place few months back and from the get go she brought this funny feeling to my stomach and i would be nervous as hell around so fancied her a lot basically, more than i have felt in a few years. In general i am a pretty shy guy and would rarely "chat up" women but this one was different from the get go i had to get to know her.
One day i got the courage to start talking to her and we hit it off like a house on fire and i asked her out on a date. We settled with some coffee to start and that turned into more "coffee dates" and after 3 we decided to go out together for drinks as we had really hit it off.

First date was incredible better than i could have hoped stayed out together for 6/7 hours and then with alcohol involved i ended up bringing her home(Did not plan or intend on as i do really like her). Anyways we had a great night and next morning together and things were really starting to blossom between us and i was thinking that i had made the jackpot.

We had always flirted and that since but suddenly i was noticing something was not right and after a day or so she asked again to meet for coffee.
She had told me that an ex boyfriend of hers they broke up few years ago but have same group of friends asked after the date i had with her to give it another try straight out of left field. She said she wanted to be open and honest with me with her situation and that she does like me and is unsure on what to do.

Me being prob to nice at times said no problem at all and we will cool it off even though i was gutted to say it to give her space to think about things and get her head right.
Fast forward a week and we met for coffee again and she said that she is giving it a go with the guy for a month or so to see how things work.

Too hear that was absolutely crushing as i have not felt a way like this about a girl in a very long time and we really do get along really well - still get sweats and butterflies when i see her.
She asked if we could still stay in contact as she does like me and could even go out for drinks sometime not just the two of us but a group of people as she would not "trust herself with just the two of us"

What am i supposed to make of that? I am crazy about this girl haven't felt this way in a long long time which is nuts cause we hadn't even been seeing each other that long just one date and a few coffee's. What i supposed to do just cut her out of my life now? Wait for her to make contact if she ever does?

Last "coffee date" i did say sure we will see what happens in the future and her response was you seem fairly confident about that to which i said no im not.

Deep down though i really do think that there is unfinished business between us and am a bit baffled as we do get along and i can tell she is interested.

I am gutted over this and would love some advise and i do not have experience at this.

Kindest Regards

batmanrobin

Well, basically, you're an option for her. I think if she was as keen on you as you seem to be on her, then I don't think she'd be entertaining going back with her ex.

The way I see it, an ex is an ex for a good reason. Going back is usually a mistake.

I don't know about you, OP, but I wouldn't be too keen on being someone's second choice. Which is what she's saying when she says she wants to keep in touch. Course she does. You're her backup if it doesn't work with the ex. And the whole meet in a group because she doesn't trust it just being the 2 of you.... Sounds like a head melter!

Jack Killian

Whattodonext wrote: »

Hi All,

Would love some advise on a situation that i find myself with a certain lady friend but before i do would like to give some background to help understand my problem.

I am a 28 year old male and have been single going on 6 years now and have only ever had one girlfriend in my life. When that relationship ended to say i was crushed would be an understatement and it took me a extremely long time and a lot of counselling to help me get through it which i did.
Part of the reason i have been single so long was my head was just not in the right place with my situation but also i hadn't met a girl since my previous relationship that made me feel the way that she did and i was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with me until....and this is where my problems have started.

This new girl started in my work place few months back and from the get go she brought this funny feeling to my stomach and i would be nervous as hell around so fancied her a lot basically, more than i have felt in a few years. In general i am a pretty shy guy and would rarely "chat up" women but this one was different from the get go i had to get to know her.
One day i got the courage to start talking to her and we hit it off like a house on fire and i asked her out on a date. We settled with some coffee to start and that turned into more "coffee dates" and after 3 we decided to go out together for drinks as we had really hit it off.

First date was incredible better than i could have hoped stayed out together for 6/7 hours and then with alcohol involved i ended up bringing her home(Did not plan or intend on as i do really like her). Anyways we had a great night and next morning together and things were really starting to blossom between us and i was thinking that i had made the jackpot.

We had always flirted and that since but suddenly i was noticing something was not right and after a day or so she asked again to meet for coffee.
She had told me that an ex boyfriend of hers they broke up few years ago but have same group of friends asked after the date i had with her to give it another try straight out of left field. She said she wanted to be open and honest with me with her situation and that she does like me and is unsure on what to do.

Me being prob to nice at times said no problem at all and we will cool it off even though i was gutted to say it to give her space to think about things and get her head right.
Fast forward a week and we met for coffee again and she said that she is giving it a go with the guy for a month or so to see how things work.

Too hear that was absolutely crushing as i have not felt a way like this about a girl in a very long time and we really do get along really well - still get sweats and butterflies when i see her.
She asked if we could still stay in contact as she does like me and could even go out for drinks sometime not just the two of us but a group of people as she would not "trust herself with just the two of us"

What am i supposed to make of that? I am crazy about this girl haven't felt this way in a long long time which is nuts cause we hadn't even been seeing each other that long just one date and a few coffee's. What i supposed to do just cut her out of my life now? Wait for her to make contact if she ever does?

Last "coffee date" i did say sure we will see what happens in the future and her response was you seem fairly confident about that to which i said no im not.

Deep down though i really do think that there is unfinished business between us and am a bit baffled as we do get along and i can tell she is interested.

I am gutted over this and would love some advise and i do not have experience at this.

Kindest Regards

Step back and have a look at what really happened.

After what sounds like a nightmare breakup, you took time out (good idea) and then took a chance (fair play, loads don't) and clicked (good stuff) and scored (again good stuff).

All of those are major pluses; not for "her+you" but for you.

Why? Because given your history you could have made a complete hames of it and been too keen; but the description proves you weren't.

Then - having clicked - the bit that hadn't kicked in did; over-reliance on a fun night that may or may not have led to be as good as it was, and a feeling that it's the centre of your world.

That - btw - can happen any of us; even those with less reason to be invested in it than you. In other circumstances you'd have owed her nothing and her you, and it would have been a nice encounter.

Her ex is an obstacle, but as said above it's not a clear-cut reason, and if she's still considering him then she's where you were when you weren't ready.

But look at all the plusses; you clicked with someone, you took a chance, it worked. That's more than most people succeed at when they haven't been through what you have, and it's more success than lots have, even when they do take a chance and ask, which lots don't.

So take it as a good rehearsal and imagine how you'll be with someone who doesn't have a distraction!

Chill, think fondly of what sounds like a fun night, and be happy in the knowledge that you're not only "back", but can pull and click!

You're sorted mate! You just need to realise it.

silverharp

pretty much what batmanrobin said , move on, nothing good can come from it, even if she did come back to you at some stage the dynamics would be all wrong. if you work with her be civil etc. but I wouldnt even bother with the "coffee dates". just chalk it up to experience and take the good from it.

pinkyx

To be honest OP she's just not that into you. I know that's a cliche but in this situation it's the truth. If she was she wouldn't give her ex boyfriend a second thought.

Call me a cynic but I would wonder if this other guy even existed. Maybe he does, but it could just be a way of letting you down gently. As a youngster I told men similar stories in order to end it with them when I didn't want to hurt their feelings or make them feel that it was there fault. It's not fair, I now realise and is the cowards way out, it leaves doubt in the mind of the other person and there's an element of leaving the door ajar their which is not fair on anyone.

I know it's not a nice thing to face up to because you really like her but and it's always a knock to the ego when someone doesn't like you back bit you may as well accept it as it is and concentrate on moving on. Stop with the 'coffee dates', stop the contact.

Don't worry OP this **** happens to the best of us.

leggo

I'd more go along with Jack Killian's opinion here. There are a lot of positives for you to take from here. Being single and 'playing the game' is a bit of a crapshoot and you, I and everyone else here could spend forever getting hung up on what this person's actions do or don't mean. But the end result is still the same. That happens, a lot, when you're dating. Things just don't work out. You've got to just write it off as experience and move on. And, truth is, when you forget about this you've done a lot of good getting back out there and should move forward looking to do the same with someone it'll work out with.