Emotional investment

Melisandre121

My housemate announced she's moving out because one of her good friends needs someone to share with and the area she's looking to move to is nice.

I was pretty upset because I considered us good friends (spent a lot of time together, chatting, going out together, etc) but she was completely blunt and matter of fact about it and was actually surprised I was upset.

Is it wrong to become attached to housemates in this way? She didn't seem to become attached to me and I felt a bit foolish that I cried. Maybe I invested too much emotionally? I guess I'm just wondering what happened here.

Ursus Horribilis

What I'm scratching my head about here is how the pair of you seem to have seen the situation so very differently. You obviously felt a very close emotional connection to your housemate and she didn't. Did you misread the situation I wonder? Mistake niceness from her for a closer friendship than it actually was? Do you have other friends in your life? It seems a bit strange how you latched onto her to such an extent that her leaving has been so upsetting. It is an over investment, especially for what it was.

I've made a couple of close friends in house shares and when they left I felt a little sad. It'd have been more of an "that's a pity,I'll miss you" sort of way though. Not a reason for tears.

People see house shares in different ways too. I'm happy to have made some friends (a couple of lasting friendships, others that inevitably fizzled out) from sharing houses but most of my housemates I'd not have a clue where they are now. Or indeed want to know. There are other people who'll tell you they barely speak to their housemates or that they're there for the cheaper rent and don't want to be like the cast of Friends.

Merkin

I think randomers who share accommodation fall into two camps. Those who see it as cheaper to share and while they may or may not get on relatively well with their housemates, they have their own friends and interests and lead seperate lives. Then there are those who see it as an opportunity to forge friendships. I was always in the first camp and most people I know would be the same (unless they moved in with established friends in the first place).

It seems like this is what has happened in this instance and you're a lot more invested that she is. It doesn't mean she isn't fond of you, it's a bonus if you get on well with people you share with, but to get so upset over it and for her to be so casual is indicative of the dynamic IMHO.

tara73

OP, I see it people are different. Some people are more emotional than others and you sem to be more on the emotional side.
I can relate to that, I'm like that too, often much more invested in friendships when I really like the person and I often feel alienated by people and also friends.

But I learned it doesn't mean she/he doesn't like me, they are just not so invested as me, they are not so emotional or have this high expectations but they still like me and want to be friends with me. They just a bit more 'superficial' (shouldn't sound too negative but can't come up with a better word) in our world.

So I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Tell her you are a bit sad she's moving out, you were getting along so well and see were the future lead you both. And there's also the chance you get another flatmate in who's very nice too.:)

chuckles30

Been there OP - well slightly differently. I was housesharing years ago for 2 years where I was renting a room in owner occupied house. I had the double room. There was a box room that was rented out for portions of that time, but due to the size of it, it was never a long term thing. So for most of the 2 years it was the 2 of us. We got on well - watched tv, chatted over bottle of wine etc etc - without living in each others pockets. Then one month when I handed her the rent, she said, hold on to that, I'm not renting the room out after this month. In that last month, it became obvious that she was moving out of the house herself at the end of the month. I know as a tenant, I got my month's notice which was all I was entitled to. But I just thought she could have (out of respect) mentioned it sooner - it was obviously in the pipeline for a while.
Housesharing is just that. I did it for 13/14 years, so countless housemates along the way. I would say I am only friends with one of those and there's 2/3 more where we exchange Christmas cards. The rest were ships that passed in the night as they say. There is no loyalty in house sharing - hence I eventually made the leap to buying my own place. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't swap the years I spent house sharing, it was great, mad at times and downright frustrating at other times, but it was all part of life. I just got to an age where I'd had enough and was in the position to move on from it.

stickybookmark

Hi OP, I think it's totally normal to make very good friends with housemates. My cousin is married to someone he met as a housemate, another close friend was bridesmaid recently for someone she met as a housemate. It's a great way to make friends and even lifelong friends. So in that regard I don't think you did anything wrong - to be honest this girl sounds like a bit of a b!tch.

Crying probably was a little OTT though, maybe just to protect yourself try not to wear your heart on your sleeve so much in future, as it's a cruel world out there!