Mr Right/ But Doesn't Feel Right

dazey

I have really really messed up, and feel guilty and like a piece of sh1t.

Basically, just under a year ago I started seeing a guy, we met online, and i had so much fun on our date. He kissed me out of the blue on the date, and I remember not enjoying it . . . and not feeling that spark, but I continued to see him in the hope that it would grow. During the last year I have come to know him - he is the sweetest, funniest, most gentle, most generous man I have ever met. I feel he is probably the best man I will ever meet.

Anyway, I felt deep guilt and fear before xmas about seeing him, because I could not reciprocate the romantic love he had for me. Then we went on a weekend away, and I remember feeling like he was definitely the one, as we grew really close on this trip, and I remember thinking he felt like my home.

Then again I started having doubts, they were eating me up inside, but I logically thought my way out of them by telling myself he was too good to give up, and how lucky I was to have him. He is incredibly smart, funny, kind, health conscious, family oriented, and emotionally intelligent.

Well the guilt reared its ugly head again, and this week I could not sleep or eat. When we met, I felt like I didn't want to be intimate with him. Then yesterday I felt awful around him - i was enjoying his hugs and relaxing beside him, his companionship. But the guilt consumed me, and finally I broke it off with him yesterday.

One part of me felt relief, and the other now feels i may have made the biggest mistake of my life. I miss him hugely already. We have an enjoyable weekend routine and now that has come to an end. I am starting to think back to sleeping with him and how I enjoyed it, and how i will never have his hugs or handholding again. I don't want to consider doing these things with any other person, and the thought of dating again makes me sick. But then I think if we got back together I would again feel I am not that attracted to him, and feel their is some spark missing, and would grow resentful of him in certain ways.

What is killing me is the heartbreak i caused him. I really really hurt him, and we had discussed moving in and talked about kids and how it was something we both wanted. I really wanted him to be my forever partner, and he believed that's the way it was headed. I want to make him not feel this pain, but I'm afraid to reach out, because if I do it may because I just feel lonely. I can't bear the thought of upsetting him, but it's too late now

I'm also concerned i will never meet a man as good and as kind as he was. I can't think of a better man to father my children. Help!!! Has anyone gone through this before?

Skibunny77

OP - having been in your situation, I can completely relate. I dated someone who was equally kind and wonderful - and I too, hoped the intimacy would develop. It didn't. The three components of a successful relationship are commitment, emotional intimacy and passion. You can't manufacture any of the three. Like you, I really struggled to let go of a relationship where everything was almost there - and towards the end, I also found it difficult to be intimate with him. My partner at the time was very upset and like you, I felt awful. I managed it by reminding myself that I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship if someone was having mixed feelings about me and that he deserved the same. Dating was not a priority for me but a few months later, I met a wonderful man. I was instantly attracted to him, committed very quickly and we're emotionally very close. When it's right, you won't wonder, you won't have to force anything. It will all be there. You've made a brave decision. Don't worry about the future, there are plenty of men as nice as yourself out there. Take time to be kind to yourself and try not to look back. Best of luck.

Skibunny77

I should also add that the kindest thing you can do for him is allow other people to support him through his heartbreak. You cannot fix this for him and your attempts to support him could be easily misinterpreted as mixed signals. A consistent message of 'we've brought this as far as it will go for me' is the kindest thing you can do for him. Your ex sounds like a lovely guy who has lots of family members and mates to lean on. You can't support him around this. Both of you need to get through this independently.

beks101

Sounds like he was "good on paper" but you just didn't have the chemistry and the spark to make things work in real life.

The trauma that comes with a breakup provokes all sorts of feelings and I'd say for most people, regret and introspection is top of the list, regardless of what sort of potential the relationship had. Especially when you've dated a lot and met all sorts of messers and liars and chancers and you know what a good man looks like.

Sadly though, you can't talk yourself into a relationship - it's either there or it's not and the heart isn't exactly an organ you can bargain with. To crawl back to him now begging and pleading him to take you back would be incredibly cruel as you'd be doing it for the wrong reasons - "good on paper" - and it would lead to more hurt down the line when your feelings change again and all these issues you've been having surface once again.

My advice would be to sit tight, let yourself be sad and emotional, but keep the breakup in perspective. You instigated it and you did it for reasons that won't fade into oblivion just because you feel a bit sad and lonely in the breakup aftermath.

dazey

I'm still really sad about it - we did have great laughs and times together. People from the outside say we are so well suited, finishing each others jokes, and I know we generally look like a team and act like one.

We have become each others lives, and speak every day about work etc. We both have gone through some tough times this year and were there for each other. I feel like I've lost my best friend and companion in life. I want so desperately to be in love with him it hurts. His last few girlfriends broke up with him, and I hate myself for adding to his pain. He is on medication for his mental health. Its like girls realise what an amazing person he is and then stick around in vain hoping it will work out. I would like him as a friend, but I know how unreasonable that is to ask of him. Why can't I just fall for him? I want to desire him, but feel I care deeply about him, but without the passion/ sexual excitement.

Skibunny77

dazey wrote: »

I'm still really sad about it - we did have great laughs and times together. People from the outside say we are so well suited, finishing each others jokes, and I know we generally look like a team and act like one.

We have become each others lives, and speak every day about work etc. We both have gone through some tough times this year and were there for each other. I feel like I've lost my best friend and companion in life. I want so desperately to be in love with him it hurts. His last few girlfriends broke up with him, and I hate myself for adding to his pain. He is on medication for his mental health. Its like girls realise what an amazing person he is and then stick around in vain hoping it will work out. I would like him as a friend, but I know how unreasonable that is to ask of him. Why can't I just fall for him? I want to desire him, but feel I care deeply about him, but without the passion/ sexual excitement.

That's the sad part about break ups. You've worked on practically all the right levels which is why you've stayed in it, but practically isn't enough. As for wanting to desire someone, well flip that around, imagine asking someone to want to desire you? No matter how much you/they wanted to, you/they can't make that happen. Neither can you in this scenario. That is not going to change for you, you've already taken a year of your life to figure that out. The emotions you are feeling are normal. Don't allow them to guide you, particularly in terms of seeking friendship from him. I do think that would be unfair and unreasonable, though I can see it comes from a genuine place. You'll need to be tough on yourself and put him first. Re his previous heartbreak, he was able to get over them and go on and meet other people, eventually he will meet the right person. Don't take ownership of his distress and mind yourself in your own.

Sleepy

You did him a favour. If you'd stayed in the relationship he'd be on this forum (or another like it) in a few years wondering why his wife never wants to sleep with him.