boyfriend has no interest in sex anymore

LegacyUser

My boyfriend of five and a half years acts like he's repulsed by me sometimes. Our relationship has had ups and downs related to his gambling and he is currently not living in our family home after taking a very risky gamble behind my back. He only sees me and the kids once a week now but we agreed to try make it work as long as he attends counselling.
He is completely disinterested in me though. He'll spend the weekend with the kids and tuck them in and then go online and ignore me. Last night he drank 8 cans and stayed up messing on YouTube when I made it clear I wanted him to come to bed. He flat out refuses to have sex. He's either too tired or too scared of another pregnancy or too drunk. Yesterday having not seen him all week I went and got my hair done, I waxed every imaginable place on my body and I bought a new dress. It made no difference. He just rejects me over and over again.
Ive even lost loads of weight. I'm smaller now than I was before the babies came along.
I've even offered him to watch porn while I please him just to try reignite the flame but he says no. He's just not interested in me. He says he loves me and there's nobody else and I believe him that he hasn't cheated. He's too interested in gambling and drinking to find women anyway. But we're meant to be trying to fix everything and he acts like I'm ugly and undesirable. How does he not miss me all week?
Its been 2 months since we last had sex and he's fine with that. I'm just so hurt from being rejected. It's not even about the physical side for me but I just want to feel like he notices I'm slimmer and my new hair cut and he sees I'm still here but he doesn't notice anything. I'm so frustrated and lonely.

PCX

From reading that I'm really not sure why you are interested in having sex with him.

It doesn't sound as though he is really interested in making a relationship work at the moment. You should start thinking about a plan B.

Maybe you need to talk to him and tell him that there is no point in carrying on the way you are at the moment. If you don't have a real relationship there is no point in carrying on the pretense. Hopefully tell him you want to arrange good access between him and the kids. Then start to move on with your life.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, I hate to say this to you but I think your relationship could very well be dead in the water. It's so sad to read about all the steps you've taken to make yourself more physically attractive to him. Unfortunately, even if you had the body of the hottest stripper on earth, the sexiest underwear on the planet and the most erotic moves ever invented, it'd make no difference whatsoever. I hate to make sweeping generalisations but usually no woman has to go to those sorts of lengths to have a man have sex with her. And let's face it, he was happy to have sex with you when you were carrying more weight. It's so not about how physically attractive you are.

He's in quite a mess at the moment. He has an ongoing gambling problem which sounds quite serious. He's also drinking. He may also feel that he's trapped in a relationship he can't leave cleanly. These things get so much messier when there's children and living together thrown into the pot. Personally I'd not be in a rush to hang too much hope on him saying he loves you. It's the right thing to say in order to keep the elephant in the room at bay. I think the two of you are on a one way trip to Splitsville but neither wants to be honest about it.

Addle

Did you kick him out of his home OP?

Hooligan on Tour

Addle wrote: »

Did you kick him out of his home OP?

Is it her house?

tea and coffee

I wonder is he "punishing " you for no longer tolerating his addiction and kicking him out?
Also, often in the grip of an addiction, the drink /bet /drugs is a "mistress " of sorts and the person has no other interest in their relationships.

Addle

tea and coffee wrote: »

I wonder is he "punishing " you for no longer tolerating his addiction and kicking him out?

My thought also.
You've either separated or not.
You can't have it every which way.

Ursus Horribilis

There are an awful lot of gaps in information here too. How long ago did this very risky gamble take place? Who decided that he should leave? Was he genuinely remorseful for his actions? How long is he out of the house and why do there appear to be no plans to have him return? Has he continued to gamble? And what about the drinking? 8 cans is nothing to be sniffed at...

I'm wondering what is it that you want? You've very much placed your sights on the sex end of things but what about the rest of the relationship? Was he a good partner or were you always having to pick up the pieces from the gambling and the drinking? What do you think has changed?

In the circumstances, I don't blame the guy for not wanting to get jiggy with you. He's living away from his kids and maybe(?) has fallen out of love with you. He could be punishing you as has been suggested. Or maybe it has gone way beyond punishing and the relationship is broken. It's also unclear whether he is willing or able to give up gambling - it has been a problem for years and like all addictions, is hard to kick.

From your point of view, is having a drinking, gambling father the right role model for your kids? Or indeed, a suitable partner for you? You didn't say what the very risky gamble was but was it something that could've put you and the kids in harm's way?

I think you and him need to have a very honest conversation about where this is going. Or not as the case may be. The sex is only a diversion - you're ignoring the elephant in the room.

LegacyUser

I have no idea why you're concentrating on the lack of sex when you should be concentrating on the lack of a relationship. Supposing he had responded to all your efforts and you'd had sex, would you have then tolerated all his behaviour? Sex is not the problem here, it's just a symptom. I suspect too that in the grip of his addictions, he's probably incapable of a worthwhile relationship. If I was you, I'd be ending the relationship formally, because in reality it's already long gone.