do players change

sallyanne12

i am with my boyfriend for a year now and i am crazy about him. i was in a very long relationship before this one but never felt this way about anyone. he is affectionate and fun to be around. he is easygoing and very good looking. my issue is his past. he told me hes slept with so many girls before me, in fact he said over 100 at a guess. i know i was wrong but he left facebook logged in on my laptop and i went for a snoop. i couldnt believe all the girls he has on his facebook. he has about 1000 very attractive girls. i looked through some messages from just before we met and he had so many girls he was chatting to and flirting with all at the one time. the girls had sent photos of them in bed with him in the photo so i know he slept with these girls. i cant help but feel very jealous and concerned after seeing all this. i also saw how filthy and sexual all his messages were to so many girls and also loving messages to others he was sleeping with. it makes me wonder can a guy like this ever settle for one girl? will he always have that itch to go out and sleep with more girls? i feel so hurt because i really think we are a great couple. it hurts that hes had all the intimacy he has with me with so many girls before me. in one particular message, a girl asked him how he was still single when hes so gorgeous etc and he said he had a girlfriend for 2 years. she then asked why they broke up and he said "my dick was beating for other girls." i cant help but wonder if he feels this way now with me.
he also said "i much prefer to be single. i want to **** lots of women."
i know maybe people arent supposed to be monogamous but it just makes me so sad that life is this way. i feel like the clock is ticking with us now and its only a matter of time until hes bored. am i wrong or are my feelings normal all things considered? is there any way i can make sure he stays happy with me forever?

Your Face

Has he ever been checked for STDs?

leggo

Yes and no. For many, it's something that they have to get out of their system. I mean, I don't know if I'd have ever called myself a 'player', because I think that implies a level of 'playing' people and dishonestly, whereas I always tried to at least be decent about it, but I used to love single life and all that came with it and was unapologetic in doing so. Nowadays I don't have the heart to do all of that. I naturally seek something of substance and see women I'm pursuing as human beings more than as part of a narcissistic game (which I guess I used to), so I'm either interested and all-in because I'm looking for a human connection (as opposed to validation or a physical one), or I'm not interested at all. For me, it was something I very much needed to get out of my system so I was able to settle down and be happy and not feel like I sold myself short in life settling for the first person who would take me! It was part of growing up I guess.

Other, more traditional 'players' I guess, have little else going on in their lives so use women as a way to validate themselves as a person. It's their hobby and they base their entire self-esteem on looking perfect, being charming, being able to 'play' people and whether women want them or not. That's more difficult to get rid of, because when people embed that side of them so deeply in how they look at themselves in the mirror, one person is rarely enough. And they've little to no qualms about lying or deceiving people they claim to (and sometimes may genuinely do) love, because the alternative is them feeling empty inside because they've previously used sex and attention as a crutch to good self-esteem.

I guess the question you need to ask yourself, honestly, is which type of player does your boyfriend sound more like. Does he talk to you with respect? Does it seem like he genuinely values and appreciates you as a person, or does he look at you as a trophy for his collection? Does he take an interest in what you like/dislike, make an effort to make you happy, remember little things you tell him, constantly chase you like you've just met? Or is his interest in you purely physical and he treats you like it's a constant game, where you feel like you've got to chase him and win? You know the answer to these questions already. It's just a case of trying to take emotion and what you want to be the case out of the equation as much as possible to see the truth.

Also, keep in mind, that as threatened as you may feel by the options your boyfriend has, the alternative is would you rather have someone with little to no options?

And, finally, re-read the second definition of a player I put above. Look at how little I mentioned anything about who the girls were. If he is indeed that (and I'm not suggesting he is, I've genuinely no idea), then those guys don't view women as people, they view them as trophies to be collected. So if you come across these guys and do end up getting hurt, it's important not to take it as a personal reflection of you, as difficult as that may seem, and as a reflection of the poor relationship they have with themselves. Ultimately all deceptive players are insecure people trying to fill a hole within themselves by using people, and should you encounter one who hurts you, you're probably better of without them and their selfish insecurities in your life and with someone who values you as a person.

fungun

Yes players can change, especially as they grow up. Has he? Only you can tell. Im guessing you might be late twenties, so its not unreasonable that at this stage in his life he has begun to feel like he wants something more; ****ing lots of women without any relationship at all would get repetitive and boring for me after a while

If he genuinely just wanted to **** lots of women, perhaps he has got this out of his system - the fact that he is with you now might suggest this is the case

Part of this question is can you trust that and are you willing to let that go.....I know you realise you shouldnt look at his facebook, but it does sound like you dont quite fully understand where he is at with you......this is worth a chat with him i think; otherwise this will gnaw at you and get worse

LegacyUser

How long ago was all this said before you entered into the relationship out of curiosity?
In my experience and opinion,players do not change. Some posters have said it might be a way of getting it out of their system. I have to disagree on this one. That's like an alcoholic saying "I'm just going to get it out of my system for the weekend" a weekend turns in to a few weeks,months,years.
He might be a good guy who knows? But I wouldn't go near him with a bargepole

woodchuck

He COULD just have been getting it out of his system...

But my worry wouldn't be so much what he's done in the past, but his attitude towards it now. You said he was flirting and sleeping with a lot of women at one time. You haven't gone into much more detail than that, but was he cheating on these women? Maybe not if it was all very casual. Was he just using these women for sex and were they ok with that? Maybe so if they just wanted something casual too. If it was me though I'd have a discussion about it to see how he actually treated these women. If it was badly (cheating, using etc), does he have any remorse or still think it's perfectly acceptable behaviour?

I think the bigger issue is if your moral compasses are aligned.

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

You need to talk to your boyfriend otherwise this will eat you up inside, and then the relationship will be soured regardless.

FWIW, it sounds like you're both young given the extent of the social media use, and this behavior (although maybe not always to this extent) is common enough. I don't for a moment think that all of these young men will continue to behave this way for the rest of their lives, although a small proportion will give it a try.

My first proper BF, (I was 19 and he was 21) has a bit of a past before we met. I'd never slept with anyone. I had to make my own judgement on what I was ok with but my feeling was that although he'd doubtlessly been enjoying himself, I didn't feel it was core to him as a person and that he was actually a sweet enough guy. He's been a bit of an awkward teenager but had "blossomed" a bit in the year or so before we met, and had been enjoying the attention that brought with it.

We were together for almost 3 years, and it just came to an end as many young relationships do, nothing to do with cheating. He's now happily married (although not to me )

Saipanne

I'd be more concerned about potential STDs. Even if he was careful, there's still a lot of risk involved in sleeping around that much.

Mr. Incognito

1. You went through someone else's facebook messages. That's pretty low.

2. You now have knowledge from that that makes you insecure.

You only options are

1. To come clean and talk it out with him. Expect to get the bullet for snooping. I'd let you go for this alone.

2. Not tell him and have it eat you up inside.

armaghlad

Re op

Players do change. I'm probably going through a "player" phase myself right now. It's through choice though and I'll be out of it if/when the right girl comes along.

Whether your bf can be trusted remains to be seen. Personally I'd get away from him asap. Either that or at least try having a chat with him.

PS snooping through his fb is perfectly fine, he shouldn't have anything to hide!