Aspergers, how to be a friend

Gremlinertia

Due to my own health battles i have made friends with many others who have various issues, one friend who has become quite close is on the autism spectrum.. I would like to hope i am not patronising or anything like that - does anyone have experience or any advice to offer?

Keane2baMused

Treat them as you would anyone else, but perhaps with as much of an open mind as possible.

As autism is a spectrum traits can vary. If the person is high functioning I can assume their speech and language is really good, however they may still struggle socially and with non-verbal queues in particular.

If they have any/many sensory challenges (dislike for loud or certain noises, smells etc) it would be good for you to find this out.

Understand that the person may not always want to engage with you, and sometimes may seem closed off even. However that doesn't mean they don't want you as a friend or aren't worth pursuing a lasting friendship for. People with autism can have a fabulous sense of humour and be extremely loving and giving:)

Gremlinertia

Thanks Keane, we have a good relationship, just i'm aware of the person's dislikes and other issues, suppose i just worry that there could be other things i don't consider..

Keane2baMused

I suppose all you can do is really take their lead

Are they diagnosed since childhood or as an adult?

Do you feel like there might be something your missing or how do things in your friendship seem? I ask because if you notice anything in particular it's a good starting point to see if maybe this is a challenge for the person which you haven't thought of.

Sorry for all the questions

Gremlinertia

I guess for me it's more about how others react. I want to minimise the impact/upset that could have on her. I may well be trying to push out the tide but was wondering if anyone else felt similar.

Shint0

There's a really good book called All Cats Have Aspergers Syndrome which gives a simple, funny and useful insight into the workings of the mind of people with the condition, the analogy being that cat traits and behaviour are similar to Aspergers. I have recommended it a few times to people in my previous work. I think it can be viewed online but I don't have a link.

Speedwell

It is difficult for we Aspies to do what is sometimes called "emotional labor" in a friendship or a partnership. My husband, also on the spectrum, and I have to deal with this every day. Not calling to tell him I'll be home soon? I'm not being inconsiderate; I was on my way home and I'd see him in ten minutes! Turning away from me in bed and pulling the covers over his head and jumping a mile in the air when I accidentally touch him? He's not being cold or trying to push me away; that is the only position he feels comfortable going to sleep in and he can't stand for his back to be touched unless he's getting an actual full-fledged massage. I don't call my friend or my mother-in-law for a week? They don't understand, but they know I am always, always glad to see them. My husband sits playing a video game and at best grunts to acknowledge I said something to him? He heard me; he's just immersed in the game as his self-calming routine. Sometimes he will think he said "yes" or "OK" or "right" but he won't actually have verbalised it. Housework is just way overwhelming sometimes and the dishes don't get done every night. We get jealous of the cats and their easy affection that is always accepted even when we don't accept each other's. We watch a show or read a book and say "sure in just a minute" and then get upset when you say "it's been fifteen". We fidget.

We can understand how it drives neurotypical people nuts. We drive each other nuts, too. But rest assured that you will have no more loyal friends; once we form a bond with someone it is a strong bond, and we have intense feelings even if we can't always express them in the best way or at all. We still love flowers on our birthday. We really love it when you understand that we're trying to meet you halfway.

twill

Just adding to what Speedwell said, you may find that some people with AS are unable to read social cues or are blundering and insensitive. The last thing they want to do is make you uncomfortable, so don't be afraid to let them know if they say something to hurt you, for example.

Understand that the person may not always want to engage with you, and sometimes may seem closed off even. However that doesn't mean they don't want you as a friend or aren't worth pursuing a lasting friendship for. People with autism can have a fabulous sense of humour and be extremely loving and giving

This is why people with AS can struggle with friendships, as well as not knowing what exactly you're supposed to do to build a friendship.

Speedwell

twill wrote: »

Just adding to what Speedwell said, you may find that some people with AS are unable to read social cues or are blundering and insensitive. The last thing they want to do is make you uncomfortable, so don't be afraid to let them know if they say something to hurt you, for example.



This is why people with AS can struggle with friendships, as well as not knowing what exactly you're supposed to do to build a friendship.

When I was a kid, I used to go up to other little girls on the playground and say "want to be friends?" Nobody ever said no; I have something strange in a person with Aspergers, and that's charisma. I mean, people tell me "you look nice" out of the blue. I had drinks stood for me in my local pub in Houston by couples I didn't know who were looking for people to meet and be friends with. I was a super terrific corporate trainer (and one young engineer, a sweet and pretty woman, came up to me after class and gushed, "do you have Aspergers cause I totally have it and you make everything really clear like you understand what it is to be me and I've been watching you and you are a person like me thanks so much", and I told her, uncomfortably because I didn't know but suspected I really was, that I wasn't. She was doing the grownup version of "wanna be friends", I think.

twill

Speedwell wrote: »

When I was a kid, I used to go up to other little girls on the playground and say "want to be friends?" Nobody ever said no; I have something strange in a person with Aspergers, and that's charisma. I mean, people tell me "you look nice" out of the blue. I had drinks stood for me in my local pub in Houston by couples I didn't know who were looking for people to meet and be friends with. I was a super terrific corporate trainer (and one young engineer, a sweet and pretty woman, came up to me after class and gushed, "do you have Aspergers cause I totally have it and you make everything really clear like you understand what it is to be me and I've been watching you and you are a person like me thanks so much", and I told her, uncomfortably because I didn't know but suspected I really was, that I wasn't. She was doing the grownup version of "wanna be friends", I think.

Yes, you can't generalise really, it works differently for everyone. I can cope, and even succeed quite well, in a professional setting providing I'm not too tired, but I really have to be careful when that happens because my brain shuts down and I don't function at all or I can go into meltdown mode.

Gremlinertia

Guys i just want to say thanks for such a great insight, really brilliant to read and helps me out a lot.

Speedwell

twill wrote: »

Yes, you can't generalise really, it works differently for everyone. I do have a kind of vulnerable, child-like appeal for some people, but I find my Asperger's repels people once they actually get to know me. I can cope, and even succeed quite well, in a professional setting providing I'm not too tired, but I really have to be careful when that happens because my brain shuts down and I don't function at all or I can go into meltdown mode.

Yeah, so true, so true. The single most common black mark on my annual reviews is "gets overwhelmed easily". Of course if I wasn't also a diabetic I wouldn't get tired so easily, either, and I have to go home from the pub at 10 instead of 2 because enough of people already. I'm working on it. That's the key really, just working on it. What comes easily to others comes harder to you and me, generally; the fact that I have become pretty decent at acting like a social person at last just makes me wonder what level of functioning I'd be at if I were neurotypical, and thank my lucky stars I'm not so impaired I couldn't eventually do well. I mean, I'm 50. My level of functioning at 30 still appalls me. But I got there in the end.