Work nights out

Class Act

Hi, thanks in advance for reading my post.

I've noticed in the past few months I have not been invited to some work lunches or nights out. Other times I have been invited by email, but forwarded to me after the invite was sent to the rest of the group.

In the past, the organiser would ask all the younger people in the office, including me (maybe 10-15 people). I would go to events & get involved in the chat & having the craic. Some events I wouldn't be able to get to if I had something else on (usually playing hurling). I'd always thank the inviter, explain why I couldn't make it etc.

I had always thought the office was very inclusive, there was a great atmosphere in the office, I could have a chat & a laugh with colleagues, young & old.

A clique always existed of a few young people in the office. They organised nights out etc, but included all the younger group in the office. I was fine with this. They were close friends, but were inclusive when organising stuff. I got on well with each of them & enjoyed the nights when I was able to attend.

However, in the past few months, a new person joined the company & since joined the clique. I've noticed I now hear about nights out at the last minute. I went along to the first few events, but noticed some (not all) of the group seemed distant with me and only wanted to talk to the rest of the clique. They also seemed less chatty & more distant when I would bump into them in the office. There has also been a couple of events that I've over-heard of or heard about afterwards without being invited. I'm not sure why this has changed or if it is only me being excluded. I do feel the change has come from the new person in particular, who I initially got on great with, got invites etc. Then they seemed distant, left it to others to forward invites to me. Lately the rest of the clique seem more distant & the only explanation I can think is the new person has some reason not to like me & has turned the rest of the clique against me.

As a result, I am less keen to go to these events, if I do get an invite. It feels very strange to be excluded, almost like being back in the school yard. I feel very hurt and upset that someone seems to have taken a dislike to me & I can no longer be part of the gang. I really don't like going to work anymore as a result. I haven't said anything to any coworkers about this. I have tried to be my usual upbeat, pleasant, chatty self in the office. I'm not sure how to approach or fix the situation. I can't see what I have done wrong but it really feels like I am being punished for something

Any advice anyone could offer would be really appreciated. Thanks for reading

Xterminator

hi class act.

would it be fair to sum up,

you didnt always attend these nights out when invited.
now you get invited less often.
you have felt less part of the group they acted less friendly; now that you dont go to as many of the group outings.

i would first say it sounds like they are not company nights out, but work colleagues socialising on their own time. Big difference there. So i want to make sure i am correct and you are not being excluded from nights out that are being arranged & paid for at least partially by the company.

also there is a history of only certain people being invited anyway.

In the past, the organiser would ask all the younger people in the office,

nothing too sinister is happening here in my opinion. perfectly natural turn of events is how i would view it.

but if you wish to be on the invite list, i think you may have to prioritize these nights out over other social activities so that they see you are a regular, and then if you are willing to do that approach the usual organizers and ask to be included in future events.

X

Class Act

Thanks for replying.

To clarify, these are colleagues socialising on their own time, not company nights.

I've gone to a fair amount of these lunches/nights out in the past & enjoyed them, got involved, chatted & had a laugh with everyone etc.

The difference now is I get a really strong feeling the clique group (about 4 people) are very distant from me if I bump into any of them in the office, break room etc. It started with the new person a few months ago & has recently spread to the others in their group. I don't work directly with any of them, so would usually try to interact with them over non-work chat.

When I first noticed this from the new person, I still went along to the next couple of events, but left feeling worse about the whole thing. I got a really strong feeling they just wanted to chat to each other.

If I come into the room, they more look at me rather than say hi. Or if I bump into one of them in the hallway they go awkward when they see me & say "oh, hi" before rushing away.

This is the only time I've experienced this in a workplace. I have a great relationship, can have a laugh, small talk etc, with other people in the office. However, nights out are planned by the clique.

This gradual change over the last few months has made me very nervous about going along to their nights out. Anyway it appears I won't get invites anymore, haven't been invited to at least 2 that I know of recently.

Should I approach one of them in a friendly way & ask what's up? I'm not sure how to approach the situation.

Even ignoring the nights out, I don't feel happy going to work, with a feeling that a group within the office think I'm odd. I keep going over it in my head, trying to work out what I've done wrong.

JeffKenna

Hi Class Act,

Really this is not an issue that should upset you going to work unless they are acting distant with you in the office. I think you need to stand back and objectively look at it. If you didn't attend many events then it's human nature to stop inviting you and thus leaving you feel isolated. Unfortunately cliques and friendships like that require effort and you don't seem to have been that willing to put it in.

Edit - sorry I only saw your update now which puts a different slant on things. If what you're saying is correct then that doesn't seem right. Could you pick out one friend in the group you get on better with and approach them on the QT? I would be weary of doing this in the office, even on the way out in the evening or at lunch break would be more appropriate.

Class Act

JeffKenna wrote: »

Hi Class Act,

Really this is not an issue that should upset you going to work unless they are acting distant with you in the office. I think you need to stand back and objectively look at it. If you didn't attend many events then it's human nature to stop inviting you and thus leaving you feel isolated. Unfortunately cliques and friendships like that require effort and you don't seem to have been that willing to put it in.

Edit - sorry I only saw your update now which puts a different slant on things. If what you're saying is correct then that doesn't seem right. Could you pick out one friend in the group you get on better with and approach them on the QT? I would be weary of doing this in the office, even on the way out in the evening or at lunch break would be more appropriate.

Thanks for your reply.

I have thought about approaching one guy who is usually very friendly & inclusive. However, in the past 2 weeks even he has seemed more distant with me, a lot less chat when I bump into him. He's acting like there is something up between us. This has really upset me as I've known him for a long time. While we wouldn't be best friends, I always thought we got on really well.

I could ask this guy what's up? Any advice on how to approach it? How should I word what I should say? I think I could get really nervous & stumble over my words if the conversation is awkward.

I am thinking I should go down the route of explaining how this makes me feel. If I've done something wrong, I'd like to know too.

This situation makes me anxious when I'm in work & even when I'm at home thinking about it

JeffKenna

To be honest if it were me I'd just ask him straight off if I did anything to offend him or someone else as I notice that people are being off with me. I wouldn't go into saying how it makes you feel, because at the end of the day that group of people are work colleagues and acquaintances (if even) so going into that could be a little overboard for the relationship dynamic. Just do it in a casual manner, no need to make a big drama out of it and try and keep it outside the office as it's not really a work issue so shouldn't be dealt with there.

3 possible scenarios of what will happen:
a) he'll tell you exactly what's after happening
b) he'll say it's your imagination or he doesn't know what you're talking about. As a result he'll try and be inclusive in future.
c) Same as b but he won't try and be more inclusive. In that case time to cut your losses.

Either way at least you'll know. Best of luck with it!

Class Act

JeffKenna wrote: »

To be honest if it were me I'd just ask him straight off if I did anything to offend him or someone else as I notice that people are being off with me. I wouldn't go into saying how it makes you feel, because at the end of the day that group of people are work colleagues and acquaintances (if even) so going into that could be a little overboard for the relationship dynamic. Just do it in a casual manner, no need to make a big drama out of it and try and keep it outside the office as it's not really a work issue so shouldn't be dealt with there.

3 possible scenarios of what will happen:
a) he'll tell you exactly what's after happening
b) he'll say it's your imagination or he doesn't know what you're talking about. As a result he'll try and be inclusive in future.
c) Same as b but he won't try and be more inclusive. In that case time to cut your losses.

Either way at least you'll know. Best of luck with it!

Thanks for the advice. Like you say, I'll have to talk to him in a casual way & avoid it turning into a conflict.

I really hope it goes well. I used to enjoy the dynamic in the office in the past. It's a horrible feeling to think some people would prefer if I wasn't around.

LegacyUser

Class Act wrote: »

Hi, thanks in advance for reading my post.

I've noticed in the past few months I have not been invited to some work lunches or nights out. Other times I have been invited by email, but forwarded to me after the invite was sent to the rest of the group.

In the past, the organiser would ask all the younger people in the office, including me (maybe 10-15 people). I would go to events & get involved in the chat & having the craic. Some events I wouldn't be able to get to if I had something else on (usually playing hurling). I'd always thank the inviter, explain why I couldn't make it etc.

I had always thought the office was very inclusive, there was a great atmosphere in the office, I could have a chat & a laugh with colleagues, young & old.

A clique always existed of a few young people in the office. They organised nights out etc, but included all the younger group in the office. I was fine with this. They were close friends, but were inclusive when organising stuff. I got on well with each of them & enjoyed the nights when I was able to attend.

However, in the past few months, a new person joined the company & since joined the clique. I've noticed I now hear about nights out at the last minute. I went along to the first few events, but noticed some (not all) of the group seemed distant with me and only wanted to talk to the rest of the clique. They also seemed less chatty & more distant when I would bump into them in the office. There has also been a couple of events that I've over-heard of or heard about afterwards without being invited. I'm not sure why this has changed or if it is only me being excluded. I do feel the change has come from the new person in particular, who I initially got on great with, got invites etc. Then they seemed distant, left it to others to forward invites to me. Lately the rest of the clique seem more distant & the only explanation I can think is the new person has some reason not to like me & has turned the rest of the clique against me.

As a result, I am less keen to go to these events, if I do get an invite. It feels very strange to be excluded, almost like being back in the school yard. I feel very hurt and upset that someone seems to have taken a dislike to me & I can no longer be part of the gang. I really don't like going to work anymore as a result. I haven't said anything to any coworkers about this. I have tried to be my usual upbeat, pleasant, chatty self in the office. I'm not sure how to approach or fix the situation. I can't see what I have done wrong but it really feels like I am being punished for something

Any advice anyone could offer would be really appreciated. Thanks for reading

Sorry, but would you not considering taking the initiative and organising a night out with those you feel have been distant?? This might show them that you want to socialise with them and that you have a genuine interest in them. Same has happened to me but I am the only girl in an all-male office. I go the odd time out with them (when I get invited) but if I feel like I want to make a point I make the contact first!

Class Act

quick_suggstion wrote: »

Sorry, but would you not considering taking the initiative and organising a night out with those you feel have been distant?? This might show them that you want to socialise with them and that you have a genuine interest in them. Same has happened to me but I am the only girl in an all-male office. I go the odd time out with them (when I get invited) but if I feel like I want to make a point I make the contact first!

Thanks for the advice. I think I'll casually mention to this guy if he's being distant "hey, everything alright?" and see how he reacts, then I'll mention "sure let me know the next time ye are heading out/ going for a drink". Just to highlight that I want to be included in these things.

These events never bothered me in the past. If I missed one, it wouldn't worry me.

However the recent awkwardness & being distant on their part in the office is strange & very hurtful. The only explanation I can think of is the new person doesn't want me included & has gossiped to the rest of the clique about me.

Class Act

Anyone have any tips on how I can approach these lunches / drinks?

I know it sounds really dumb, but I'd like to be as relaxed & as part of the group as I can. If one or more of the group are acting like they don't want me there, I reckon I'll get nervous & awkward. This will come across to them & I'll feel even worse about the situation.

Clampdown

I dunno, it seems like they were a bit miffed by the fact that you weren't too bothered about whether or not you were in the clique, and in a very petty move, started freezing you out.

Now, if you seem like you have a desire to get back in with them, they'll be well chuffed that their little plan to 'punish' you worked a charm and had the desired effect. they'll be like 'oh, he was too good for us before, look now he's desperate to go out with us.' and they'll go on acting like that not just to you but to other people.

I've been in similar situations, I generally get on with people and am friendly but think being part of a 'clique' is unimportant. I am usually turned off by people who try to be ringleaders of their peers, and feel the same about people who follow ringleaders, and that's all a clique is! Nothing appealing about that scene to me, and adults at that craic is pathetic tbh.

As long as you're not being outwardly bullied I'd just leave them to it and act oblivious to their cold shoulder act. If they want to just say 'Hi, bye' then let them at it while still being friendly to the ones you like. Someone else will soon become the target when they realize you're not a bit bothered, all these kind of 'mean girls' cliques get fractured eventually and honestly if you are seeming desperate to be included they'll probably just leave you hanging even more because they obviously get a kick out that type of thing.

I don't know the people so maybe I'm exaggerating how nasty they are, but just honestly ask yourself how important it is to be liked by these people, if you think they are trying to exclude someone just because he hasn't showed up to every shindig ever.

Clampdown

Class Act wrote: »

Anyone have any tips on how I can approach these lunches / drinks?

I know it sounds really dumb, but I'd like to be as relaxed & as part of the group as I can. If one or more of the group are acting like they don't want me there, I reckon I'll get nervous & awkward. This will come across to them & I'll feel even worse about the situation.

You could use the Larry David method of hiring someone to snatch one of your colleagues handbags and then you chase them down and heroically retrieve it. Then maybe they will accept you.

Or tell them your dog just died. They'll have to be nicer to you then, for at least a day or so.

Seriously though, you seem to have come to the conclusion that they've turned against you and I honestly don't think any form of 'sucking up' to them will have the desired effect. And trying to talk to them about it will be just like sucking up - they'll feel smug that they were able to make you feel like you should have made being in their group a bigger priority. And they'll either deny it or possibly say that it was your own fault, you bailed on this or that, etc.

Unfortunately it's a fact of life that not everyone you meet, work with etc will like you and it isn't always because they have a good reason. I would just focus on my work and be yourself and not worry too much about it. I know it's hard to feel 'apart' from people you have to be around all the time but don't blame yourself and start feeling like you need to change yourself if you haven't actually done anything that would warrant being excluded.

stickybookmark

Hi Class Act, I don't really agree that it's likely to be coz you didn't go to all the nights out or lunches. From your update with more information it sounds like this group are giving you the cold shoulder for some reason.

What do you think might be the reason? Can you think of anything.....if you had to take a wild guess?

From your description of how they used to behave versus how they behave now, it sounds like they are trying to keep you out of the clique. Just out of interest, who forwarded the invites to you that you hadn't been initially incluced on, was it the sound member of the clique or was it one of the other non-clique members?

Would you like to be in this clique? If so, why do you think you're not? What about the other 'young workers' that aren't in the clique....how do they react to the invites do they always accept them, do they seem to think it's a big deal to attend these events or not?

I think asking the soundest member of the clique casually if something is up is a good idea. I would suggest - let's say his name is John:
You: 'John do you have a second, I just want to run something by you?'
Him: 'Sure'
You: 'Just wondering if there's something up coz I'm getting a bit of a funny vibe around the place?'

Other than that I'd recommend you act like you don't care, even if you do. I know that might be hard but in general if people reject us for whatever reason, whether that be a relationship or a friend, becoming clingy and desperate just makes you look even less attractive. Shouldn't be like that but that's the law of the jungle

jenny smith

I agree with clampdown post 11

Do not try to be part of as group who do not want you. create a new group of friends inside or outside of work and still be friendly to the old group. If they are that petty you are well out of it

Potatoeman

We had something like this happen at work. We used to meet for drinks on Fridays, open invitation for anyone. Someone new started a clique and made some people feel unwelcome. It had a knock-on effect were less and less people turned up. Most people don't like cliques and don't want to be the outsider around them even if they are friendly to them. Say you don't feel welcome to your colleagues and see what they say. Don't make a drama of it.

Claw Hammer

Time to get a new job. Life is too short for that messing.

jenny smith

Claw Hammer wrote: »

Time to get a new job. Life is too short for that messing.

Don't see why opp needs to leave his job. he just needs new friends. When they see he does not care they will probably change