Stresses after marriage breakup with kids

LegacyUser

Im a young guy in my 30s with 3 kids - who are my whole world. Last year my ex-wife cheated on me and ended our marriage, lots of lies and deceit and we're now in a situation where we hardly speak because of it all. Really sad for the kids sake - but its all down to her actions. It was a massive shock and one that i still haven't fully come to terms with i think.

I dove straight into the dating scene to try and find a replacement for that empty space in my life. Met a few lovely girls - took my mind off things for a while. After a few months of that eased off the dating scene to try and get my head right - but still going on an occasional date every now and again to try and move on. Meeting women is tough, explaining I have 3 kids at a young age is such a barrier - it stresses me out. I also have massive money worries in my life now too - under a lot of financial strain. I have lots of hobbies, like to keep fit and active, lots of great friends and a great family around to help with the kids and everything...

But i just feel pretty lost a lot of the time - have massive mood swings. Extremely happy some days, over the moon that I'm not living with a liar and so so lonely and sad other times. I understand a lot of it is dealing with the loss of a friend and partner.

Sometimes i feel like quitting my job and just uprooting and making a clean start somewhere - maybe that would be good to close a chapter in my life. But I really enjoy my work, have some great friends there - i guess I'm confused about what i want for the future now that so much has changed in the last year and my life has just been flipped upside down.

I guess I'm asking for people who have been through a similar life event. What helps in a situation like this? Should I consider some counselling to talk through everything to try and get my head straight? Do something new in my life? Just keep on keeping on?

Thanks folks - and apologies for the rant :-|

intheclouds

wherenow? wrote: »

Should I consider some counselling to talk through everything to try and get my head straight? Do something new in my life? Just keep on keeping on?

Yes to all of the above.

Definitely do some counselling - its always going to be worthwhile!

Keep on keeping on - time is a great healer and keeping busy often helps.

New stuff will also help, but I think the 2 above are more important.

Try to move on from the blame game, yes it was her fault, but blame eats you up. Let that go as much as you can.

You actually sound very positive in your post so I think you are doing all the right things.

Try to see the good in it - better to know now instead of wasting more years on this person who wasnt to be trusted.

Xterminator

i think you really should try counselling.

this women is not your partner anymore but will be the other parent of your children forever really.

you have anger towards her but unlike when people without kids break up you cannot go for the clean slate & break all contact. because that will be bad for the children.

so you do need to find some way to deal with your feelings so that you can interact civilly to ensure the childrens best interests are looked after.

and in your own life you need to find a way to move on. to be honest money worry's and young children are not the reason you are not ready to move on. they dont make it any easier, but are not insurmountable obstacles.

it sounds like its time to 'work on yourself' until you are happier in your own skin.

The Princess Bride

Hello OP.
I've been on a somewhat similar journey and it has been incredibly difficult.

Right now, although you're happy the lies and deceit are in the past, you're still grieving the loss of what was the dream for happily ever after.

None of us got married and had children ever imagining that we'd be separated some years later.

Counselling can help.
For me personally, it gave me so much strength, as the loss of the family unit as I knew it, the instability a separation brings to children- devastated me.

One more thing, I have a very good relationship with my ex.
We both sat down and discussed everything; yes, sometimes it's bloody hard, we rose past the negative to do so.
Our children are and always will be priority.
I know for a fact we're more involved in parenting decisions than a lot of so called "happily married" couples.
If you both can rise above the cheating and lies etc....and concentrate on your relationship as co-parents, it really really will make things easier.

Finally, the fact that you love your work and have friends there, is a good reason not to change jobs.
As for your mood swings?Perfectly normal considering what you've been through.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm

Best wishes to you, none of this is easy, but looking after yourself does help.

LegacyUser

OP here again - thanks for the replies everyone, really appreciated. Im going to arrange some counselling in the coming week. I think it would help digest everything and deal with it. Yes I talk to friends and family occasionally - but its so tricky to discuss this in depth with anyone. Any pointers on where to turn for this would be appreciated - are there different kinds of counsellors?

Princess Bride - thats great you have a good relationship with your ex. At the moment i cant see myself having a good relationship with my ex, just too much bitterness there from my side. She cheated with a guy, and is still with him now - so an awful lot of resentment there. Maybe this will fade in time, but when someone hurts you like that its so difficult to give them respect.

Im civil in front of the kids always - don't want them to see any bitterness from my side. But I cannot see us having a good relationship unfortunately any time soon. A shame - but all her fault, with months of lies. Maybe with time and counselling ill get over this and can be more friendly...

Really do appreciate the replies again - its good to hear how others have dealt with similar situations in life.

The Princess Bride

wherenow? wrote: »

Any pointers on where to turn for this would be appreciated - are there different kinds of counsellors?

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055169338
Finding the right counsellor can be trial and error; for me it was a case of 3rd time lucky. I sourced my gem in the link shown.

where now? wrote: »

Im civil in front of the kids always - don't want them to see any bitterness from my side.

This in itself is positive.
I'm not going out partying with my ex, mind, but it's so much easier to be civil than otherwise.

Yeah, sometimes I'd like to rant and screech as am sure does he, but it's not going to change anything and life is worth more than being angry and hostile all the time.

We've both done our grieving and it's exhausting, believe me.
But.
Time is passing by so fast that I wanna enjoy every moment rather than analysing what I can't change.

ash23

I had a long term relationship end a few years ago and children were involved.
The one thing I promised myself was that I wouldn't make any drastic changes or get into a relationship for at least a year.
Instead I focussed on my child and making friends.

I think it was definitely the best thing to do as my head had cleared a lot in that year and I was able to make more rational choices.

leggo

Yeah, sadly while what may be best for you mentally is moving on in life, the kids mean you can't completely do so. Tough spot.

I'd definitely embrace job-hunting and changing your surroundings though. The best way to deal with break-ups is to see it as a whole new chapter of your life starting. Continuing to live as you did and just having an empty hole in your life will only amplify the feelings of loss, whereas it sounds like you're doing the right thing in leaving this person. Starting new stuff and building a new routine around your new life will in time see you come out the other side happier.

Above all else though, as was already said, you seem to have your head screwed on about this. If you feel counselling is necessary for you, I'd never say it's a bad idea. It also sounds like you have it figured out logically and just need to catch up emotionally though, so you could probably be fine without it too. It's your call there really.