What to do

stayback

This could be a bit long winded but here it goes. Going out with an amazing girl for the last 2 and half yrs. we are getting on very well. Moved into together a year ago. Usual ups and down but overall things are good. We are both late 30's

The issue I have is with her family anytime we want to do something we have to clear it with her sister. Her brother had a personal issue and moved in with us for about a year. He finally moved out last month. And never contributed anything towards the running of the house. Her sister is very dependent on my OH. In that my OH pays all her expenses. Incl rent bills etc.My OH has funded all her college expenses as she went back as a mature student. Their mother and father haven't been around her brother has moved in them. The depency issue here is unreal.

The latest saga that has literally driven me to write this. Is that her sister hasn't work in the last 4 months due to an injury. She was due to go for surgery but it has been put off for a week.

Before the surgery was cancelled I booked a few days away for myself and my other half. As we ensured that it was a week after the surgery as I knew she would need care.The day we are due to go away is now the day after she comes home from hospital and she has put my OH on a guilt trip. By the way she is in her mid-30's.

I suppose I am looking for advice on how to deal with this it looks like I'll have to cancel the few days away. My OH wants to go away but knows if we do then her sister will be crying down the phone and ringing every hour.

Tilly

I'd go away and turn off my phone. She's not her parent and deserves time away to herself. I'd also be cutting off payments. Paying a 30yr olds rent? Your OH needs her head checked!!!!

squonk

Where's the brother in all of this? Could he not step up? Your OH and you are entitled to your own lives as well. Did I read you right in that the parents are not involved? I think here your OH has to stand up for herself and call time on these patterns. You're both in your 30's so it's time for people to stand on their own feet assuming sister and brother are in the same age range.

You're only going away for a few days so it wouldn't kill the brother to look after his sister. You sound like you both deserve your time away. You can't live your life completely for others all of the time and your OH needs to realise this and start to pull away from them, or not being as available to be the one who picks up the pieces when everything falls apart. Don't get me wrong, we all have times when we need our families and that's very important, but it should be the exception rather than the rule.

endacl

If her sister never has to sort her life out, she'll never sort her life out. Your OH is doing nobody any favours here. Least of all her sister. Pull away the scaffolding. She may wobble a bit, but at 30 something she should be able to figure stuff out.

ManOfMystery

So let me get this straight:

Your other half has a sister in her mid 30s. Your other half pays her rent, pays her bills, college fees and other expenses. Asides from that, there is an emotional dependency on your other half also.

Why on earth is your OH putting up with this? Why is the sister not working part-time or attempting to pay her own way?

Your OH needs to assert herself here, and put a stop to this dependency problem. She is enabling her sister.

stayback

Thanks for your replies. Ya it only when I went to write this post that I actually realise whats going on. My OH knows she has to pull away but is finding the guilt unbearable. I can get over the financial dependency because that can be worked on i.e. Get a job when she is better etc but the emotional dependency is frightening.

trixychic

Ok gomna try give you my 2cents worth. I was your OH for a loooong time. My mother is a disaster with mental illnesses which she denies and she drinks everyday. Growing up our dad was working constantly and so was never there and they separated when I was 10. Being the eldest I was forced to take over the second parenting role. I suppose my siblings took avantage of this as we got older.

Even after moved out I would still pay for shopping in the house (cause there was no good or toiletries). I would collect my siblings at the drop of a hat or collect them. This could be all hours of the night.

They would come and live with us and would treat me like dirt. Now I never saw anything wrong like this. It was normal. But it drove my other half mad. He hated seeing me like this.

What it all boiled down to was my feelig of responsibility for them. They felt more like my own children then my siblings. I would feel the most terrible guilt if I didn't do what they needed me to do. Or give them what they wanted.

It has taken me many yrs of counselling with family counsellors to realise they are NOT my children and its ok to say no. Now they still don't treat me completely like a sister but things are getting closer and better. My 2 sisters have began to move on and fix their lives (although it took one sister alot longer then the other. Ir has taken her about 4 yrs to get things together. For some of that time I had to cut ties for a few months. For my benefit and hers)

My advice is to sit down with her. Let her know how it makes you feel to see her in this position and how it's effecting your relationship. Ask her how does she feel about it all and would she be interested in going through family counselling to help her. It would be another support for her.

Unfortunately if she decides not to change things you'll have 2 choices. Put up with it or leave. This is hard to fix with your help and support it is a long hard and very emotional journey but everyone will be the better for it at he end.

Sorry about the lob response.

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Why on earth is your OH putting up with this? Why is the sister not working part-time or attempting to pay her own way?

Your OH needs to assert herself here, and put a stop to this dependency problem. She is enabling her sister.

As I said above. She probably feels like a parent and has alot of guilt in this area.

stayback

trixychic wrote: »

Ok gomna try give you my 2cents worth. I was your OH for a loooong time. My mother is a disaster with mental illnesses which she denies and she drinks everyday. Growing up our dad was working constantly and so was never there and they separated when I was 10. Being the eldest I was forced to take over the second parenting role. I suppose my siblings took avantage of this as we got older.

Even after moved out I would still pay for shopping in the house (cause there was no good or toiletries). I would collect my siblings at the drop of a hat or collect them. This could be all hours of the night.

They would come and live with us and would treat me like dirt. Now I never saw anything wrong like this. It was normal. But it drove my other half mad. He hated seeing me like this.

What it all boiled down to was my feelig of responsibility for them. They felt more like my own children then my siblings. I would feel the most terrible guilt if I didn't do what they needed me to do. Or give them what they wanted.

It has taken me many yrs of counselling with family counsellors to realise they are NOT my children and its ok to say no. Now they still don't treat me completely like a sister but things are getting closer and better. My 2 sisters have began to move on and fix their lives (although it took one sister alot longer then the other. Ir has taken her about 4 yrs to get things together. For some of that time I had to cut ties for a few months. For my benefit and hers)

My advice is to sit down with her. Let her know how it makes you feel to see her in this position and how it's effecting your relationship. Ask her how does she feel about it all and would she be interested in going through family counselling to help her. It would be another support for her.

Unfortunately if she decides not to change things you'll have 2 choices. Put up with it or leave. This is hard to fix with your help and support it is a long hard and very emotional journey but everyone will be the better for it at he end.

Sorry about the lob response.



As I said above. She probably feels like a parent and has alot of guilt in this area.

Thanks for that Trixiychic.

Ya she is going to counselling and has gone for a number of years. your situation sounds like a mirror situation to this.

trixychic

stayback wrote: »

Thanks for that Trixiychic.

Ya she is going to counselling and has gone for a number of years. your situation sounds like a mirror situation to this.

It's a very difficult one to be in. I hope all goes well. {mod snip - please read our charter}.

stayback

Hi just to give an update my OH sister I feel is trying to break us up.. We have been away for a few days and she must have rang at least 5 times a day. She has also stayed in our house while we were away. And is staying again tonight.. I'm growing a lot of resentment for my OH sister which I don't want too but I do feel we can't move forward... It's like having a child I'm actually drive demented

Penny Tration

OP, is she still paying her sister's rent and bills?

If she is, I'm wondering how your relationship is going to survive? How can you buy a home, have kids (if you choose to), get married and all of that, when all along, your girlfriend's wages will go to her sister's rent, when you seemingly won't have time to make babies because her sister will come crying, and when her sister will probably have some bloody crisis on the wedding day!?



Long term, the relationship isn't sustainable while your girlfriend is being a doormat. She needs to start standing up and saying no to her sister.

Tigger99

stayback wrote: »

Thanks for that Trixiychic.

Ya she is going to counselling and has gone for a number of years. your situation sounds like a mirror situation to this.

Op I really feel for you, it's a horrible situation to be in.

If your girlfriend has been going to a counsellor for years with what sounds like very little change then I'd suggest that she change counsellor.

Ursus Horribilis

Penny Tration wrote: »

Long term, the relationship isn't sustainable while your girlfriend is being a doormat. She needs to start standing up and saying no to her sister.

My sentiments exactly. I hate to say it but it has got to ultimatum time now. I don't doubt that your girlfriend is fabulous but she comes as part of a package. I wonder is there something in your girlfriend's wiring where she needs to be needed? It's not only the sister I'm thinking of here but also that brother.

Even though your girlfriend has been seeing a counsellor, I wonder how much she actually wants to cut the family apron strings? If she's not willing to do so, nothing a counsellor can say or do will help. The other solution is for her to go to someone different who might try a different approach.

Sadly, this may be a situation you'll have to cut your losses on and split. You're obviously a patient man to have put up with all of this for so long but nobody's patience is infinite. I'd say the sister has wanted to break you up for a long time. She's going to manage it too because she's the third person in your relationship. Long term it'll cost you dearly unless something changes now.

Big Bag of Chips

Unless your OH is extremely well paid then you are also funding this sister. How can she afford rent and bills and spending money in her own place, plus all rent and bills and college fees for her sister? Are you subsidising a lot of it? Has she any savings? Do you plan on getting married? Having children? Will she be able to afford to contribute her share to a house and child? You subsided her brother for a year allowing him to live rent free with you.

Your OH is in a terrible position, but you are enabling her. If she won't stop, maybe you have to. Your OH might feel like her sister is her responsibility, but she's not yours. Your OH is enabling her sister, but you are enabling your OH. It's very difficult to say "no" to someone you love when they are looking for support. But in this situation somebody needs to say it.

ManOfMystery

This kind of behaviour is very suffocating, both emotionally and financially.

The crux of the issue here is that your OH has to recognise there's a major problem, and has to recognise that it's up to her to put some distance between her sister and herself. That does't mean she has to cut all communication with her or anything as drastic as that - they can still have a relationship, but she has to tell her sister it's on her terms or else. Normal communication (as in, not upwards of 5+ calls every day when away) her sister starts paying her own way, and so on. Ultimately your OH is not doing her sister any favours as she is developing an emotional and financial dependency, and the longer this goes on the more difficult her sister is going to find it when those ties break.

The question is, how does your OH start taking action to change things. I assume you have spoken to her already and nothing has changed.

Big Bag of Chips

There is every chance that the sister will eventually come between you enough to split you up. Already your gf's decision to financially and emotionally support her sister, beyond "normal" support, is impacting on your relationship. If you decided that you didn't want to be part of it anymore, what would your gf do?

Who is she more likely to say 'No' to? You? Or her sister?

I have a feeling you know the answer, and while occasionally your gf will have to prioritise her siblings above you, I have a feeling you and your feelings will always come second to them and theirs.

HS3

Tbh...You're other half sounds like a really lovely person who, whether rightly or wrongly is trying to do all she can for her siblings. I wonder does she feel stuck between trying to keep her partner happy and trying to keep her siblings happy? Has anyone asked her what she wants to do? Would she be happy going away for the week at the same time her sibling is recovering from an op? Or does she want to go away regardless? That's not meant to sound as weighted as it does, but if she puts so much effort into keeping the siblings happy I'm wondering whether going away would prey on her conscience and ruin the weekend for her?

sReq | uTeK

Ah here....what in the name of God is your OH at. You've been understanding long enough...it's time for some tough love. I'd have the locks and keys in that house changed immediately.

I'd also be telling your OH that if this continues any longer it will be at the detriment to your relationship.

Rediculous paying for someone else's rent and bills at 30. Yes your OH sounds lovely but she is also enabling her sister and ensuring she remains a dependant for the rest of her life