Almost certain that I have lost a valuable friend

Ocenglish

Recently my best friend got into his first relationship. We've been friends for over 18 years. He met this girl from college and they soon started dating.He is now a completely different person, doesn't seem to have time for anyone anymore. Before his relationship we would always make time for one another regardless of the situation, joke around and play football frequently,go to bars,etc....Now I'm finding it extremely difficult to stay in contact with him. He always seems to be busy,unwilling to meet up,he's missed some special occasions recently, friends birthdays and a going away dinner,football related events, along with a list of others that he never would have missed pre relationship.It's gotten to a point where I can't even call him anymore, he insists on putting his girlfriend on the phone and I'm forced to talk to her. I can't even chat to him on Facebook as his gf insists on reading his mail, there are no secrets anymore!He's completely changed, no similarities to the old him. When we do get the opportunity to meet up,which is very rarely now,he has to invite the girlfriend,so our conversations become restricted, he doesn't like joking around anymore and everything seems so serious.We can't even talk about important things anymore and he doesn't seem to care about friends or stuff that's happening anymore, he's more comfortable living in his bubble. It's getting a bit frustrating now and it seems like he's distancing himself more and more as the weeks progress. I'm willing to accept the fact that I'm losing a close friend,but I'm not sure if he can see what's happening, he seems to have lost his appetite to socialize and just doesn't want to have a day out with the lads! Should I mention it to him or would he react in a negative way?Our friendship is almost non existent now so I really can't see it being anymore damaging!Can't he balance his love life with his social life? Can it be achieved? Has anybody seen this happen before with a friend or an acquaintance?What did you end up doing?

Dr Crayfish

It happens all the time. The guy is probably head over heels and doesn't understand how anyone wouldn't want to be around this girl all the time. You can either say it to him, that you'd like him to make some time for you without her (although I wouldn't bother personally), or just leave him to it. Sooner or later this new love will probably fizzle out to normal levels and he'll be looking for people to hang out with from time to time.
But that's life, dear boy, friends fade away and do their own thing sooner or later, most of the time, so don't worry about him and carry on regardless

Noo

"Has anyone seen this happen before?" You are gonna get a bazillion yes responses to this question. It ridiculously common, that doesnt mean its acceptable behaviour but it happens all the time. How long have they been together? I'm assuming they are still in the honeymoon phase where they can't get enough of each other. Once this passes he will go looking for the lads again and they wont be around anymore. I've seen it so much that when i got my first boyfriend i had to keep telling myself to spend time with my friends (even though i just wanted to spend time with him) because i was so aware of what would happen if it didnt.

I don't really have useful advice only that the honeymoon phase will eventually pass (or they break up) and he'll come back to the lads then, whether they are still around depends on how he treats them now. Of course he is blind to all this now and wont want to hear it (no one ever believes that the honeymoon phase will end but it always does), when he finally sees it it may be too late.

Edit: i do have one piece of advice which i kinda mentioned above, by the sounds of it you are single, when the time comes for you to be with someone just remember all this youve seen with your friend and make a conscious effort not to become one of those type of people.

LegacyUser

Ocenglish wrote: »

Has anybody seen this happen before with a friend or an acquaintance?

I would say almost anybody who has ever had a friend has had it happen. It's really the natural order and mostly all you can do is be happy for them and wait 'til things settle and maybe the friendship takes on a more balanced shape again. You could just has easily be in your friends position and he could be saying the same about you, it just happens that he got a girlfriend first.

The fact that they have some serious boundary issues, sharing their messages and ridiculously expecting you to talk to her when you ring him, is much more of a problem for him long-term than it is for you. I doubt he'll stick that for long or he won't be happy and end up feeling trapped, he'll probably also find the phone stops ringing, but that's a lesson he has to learn yet and whatever balance of social life to relationship he comes up with is for him to decide, you can't make him play football if he feels he'd rather be with her.

For you, it's part of growing up too and it'll happen again. You'll do something like it yourself at some stage, you and your friends and siblings will have kids, travel, move abroad or whatever and all those things will see the relationships around you change and new ones start. That's life.

Meauldsegosha

He is young and in love in his first relationship. At the moment him and his girlfriend are in their own little bubble and they don't know what's happening outside it. Most people done the same in their first relationship and you will probably do the same. Lighten up and let them get on with it. They will settle down shortly and he will be more available to you then.

Big Bag of Chips

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

The guy is probably head over heels and doesn't understand how anyone wouldn't want to be around this girl all the time.

This is exactly it! It's the equivalent of a new parent putting their baby on the phone to you. A baby that doesn't talk!! They're besotted. They think this little being is the most amazing thing to ever grace the earth, and they don't understand that we don't feel like that about their child.

Overtime he might relax a bit. Chances are, first relationship, it'll end eventually! And he'll maybe learn from the mistakes of it. But for now he has a new "toy" and he's super excited to play with it and show it off to all his friends. You can point this out to him if you wish.. I can't see it making any difference to him though. In fact, he might just put it down to you being jealous of him and what he has.

Ocenglish

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

The guy is probably head over heels and doesn't understand how anyone wouldn't want to be around this girl all the time.

This is exactly it! It's the equivalent of a new parent putting their baby on the phone to you. A baby that doesn't talk!! They're besotted. They think this little being is the most amazing thing to ever grace the earth, and they don't understand that we don't feel like that about their child.

Overtime he might relax a bit. Chances are, first relationship, it'll end eventually! And he'll maybe learn from the mistakes of it. But for now he has a new "toy" and he's super excited to play with it and show it off to all his friends. You can point this out to him if you wish.. I can't see it making any difference to him though. In fact, he might just put it down to you being jealous of him and what he has.

Yeah,you are right!He looks at the girlfriend as being so precious and valuable and disowns everyone else.I saw this happen a lot when I was in school,but never in my mid 20's.I'vemanagedto make some new friends now,so I've moved on. I guess some lessons had been learnt!