Right or wrong reasons to get back with her

LegacyUser

Going annon for this one. Myself and my ex split 2 years ago, the chemistry was no longer there and it drove a wedge between us.. I gave up on it maybe a little to easily and should have tried harder to make it work.
We have 2 children together. Things are amicable, even friendly. I am super close to my kids. Myself & herself are both single at the moment and she has indicated she wants to give the relationship a go again. I desperately want to be a family again, I want to look after her and be around my kids every day. I miss the family unit so much it hurts. Plus i see them struggle on their own, i help out financially but i feel i could help so much more if we all lived together. Here comes the problem - I am not attracted to her and have no feelings for her in that way, absolutely none. However I love and care deeply for her at a platonic level. I have never felt so torn in my life, getting back together would fix so many things, we would all have an easier life and the kids would be happier.. but I could never see myself enjoying being intimate with her again and this feels like such a superficial, shallow reason not to be a family again. I know for a fact that not every couple out there has burning desire for each other but yet they manage to maintain a happy family unit. Could I make this work for all the right reasons.. family, love, support. Or am i crazy to consider going back when there are no romantic feelings?

Merkin

I think it would be a really bad idea and ultimately would provide your children with a rather warped and skewed perception of relationships and marriage.

I appreciate that you have the very best of intentions and that is admirable but I'm not sure you've thought this through. Are you happy to be celibate for the rest of your days or would you want to pursue sexual relationships outside your 'relationship'?

Also, you seem resolute in your insistence that you couldn't be intimate with your wife again. Why have you gone off her physically? Has she put on weight or changed in some way? If she were to change her appearance would that help? Or did you both just settle into a sibling type love and became complacent? Because personally I think the relationship only has a chance if it has integrity and you're able to reignite that flame.

Eircom_Sucks

very similar situation , 2 kids , split 2 years ago , get on great as friends etc , idea of trying again has surfaced too

what if u do try and it goes belly up , what will the kids think when you leave again ???

its not the right reason to get back if you are not in love with her in the right way , she will expect more and more that you can't give

Big Bag of Chips

What if you moved back, continued to feel as you do, lived together with everything going well for the next 5 years and then you met someone you DID fall in love with? Usually what stops us falling in love with someone else, is the fact that we ARE in love with our spouse/partner. It (in most cases!) stops us from allowing ourselves to be available to someone else. You won't have that. So do you deny yourself the chance of loving someone else?

Did you love your ex? Did you ever have that spark with her? If so, then maybe you could try counselling together. No promises. No guarantees. Just try. You'd need to be honest with her and tell her that you don't have those feelings for her anymore. Tell her you cannot promise that the feelings will return. But I think going to counselling for a few months together before you make any sort of commitment to moving back together is just common sense.

It could work out for you. You two could potentially be happy again as you once were. But its's unlikely to happen by itself. I think it is worth trying. But from a distance and only with counselling. Don't move in together. Don't force this happy couple/happy family scenario too soon, because it will be destined to collapse if you do.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

I think it would be a really bad idea and ultimately would provide your children with a rather warped and skewed perception of relationships and marriage.

I appreciate that you have the very best of intentions and that is admirable but I'm not sure you've thought this through. Are you happy to be celibate for the rest of your days or would you want to pursue sexual relationships outside your 'relationship'?

Also, you seem resolute in your insistence that you couldn't be intimate with your wife again. Why have you gone off her physically? Has she put on weight or changed in some way? If she were to change her appearance would that help? Or did you both just settle into a sibling type love and became complacent? Because personally I think the relationship only has a chance if it has integrity and you're able to reignite that flame.

Thanks for reply. No she didn't change. As you say, it just settled into a sibling type love and has hard as we tried we couldnt reignite it

LegacyUser

Eircom_Sucks wrote: »

very similar situation , 2 kids , split 2 years ago , get on great as friends etc , idea of trying again has surfaced too

what if u do try and it goes belly up , what will the kids think when you leave again ???

its not the right reason to get back if you are not in love with her in the right way , she will expect more and more that you can't give

Thanks for your reply.. you make a good point, i think i just need to hear it from someone else because ive been stewing on this for so long ive struggled to see clearly

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

What if you moved back, continued to feel as you do, lived together with everything going well for the next 5 years and then you met someone you DID fall in love with? Usually what stops us falling in love with someone else, is the fact that we ARE in love with our spouse/partner. It (in most cases!) stops us from allowing ourselves to be available to someone else. You won't have that. So do you deny yourself the chance of loving someone else?

Did you love your ex? Did you ever have that spark with her? If so, then maybe you could try counselling together. No promises. No guarantees. Just try. You'd need to be honest with her and tell her that you don't have those feelings for her anymore. Tell her you cannot promise that the feelings will return. But I think going to counselling for a few months together before you make any sort of commitment to moving back together is just common sense.

It could work out for you. You two could potentially be happy again as you once were. But its's unlikely to happen by itself. I think it is worth trying. But from a distance and only with counselling. Don't move in together. Don't force this happy couple/happy family scenario too soon, because it will be destined to collapse if you do.

Thanks for your advice. Yes i did love her once and we couldnt keep our hands off each other. I carry a lot of guilt that this changed.. and i have no explanation for it. Its like the chemistry just disappeared and suddenly we were like best friends and flatmates.

Merkin

C0nfused35 wrote: »

Thanks for reply. No she didn't change. As you say, it just settled into a sibling type love and has hard as we tried we couldnt reignite it

What did you do to try and reignite it?

And you say in your OP that she wants to get back together but that you BOTH tried (as above) to reignite the flame. I find this confusing. Does she want to get back together expecting that it will be on a purely platonic basis?

LegacyUser

Yes you need to examine the reasons as to why you aren't attracted to her if you are considering this and want to have the family unit again. It's easy to say oh I've no feelings like that, but to actually examine why you feel like that now and where those feelings of apathy towards her arose from is key to whether you could reignite any attraction.

Were you ever attracted to her and what about her did you like ? Has she put on weight, if so and if she lost some and got in good shape how would you feel? Did you come emotionally disconnected with the day to day slog of looking after kids and the romance went down the tubes? these reasons are ones which still leave a chance for reconnection on a romantic level. Becoming less attracted to someone can be a tangle of different reasons and problems, this results in you pulling away from the person and seeing them as the whole reason for your discontentment. Without proper evaluation and resolving of the individual issues that exist in your mind, and they're not necessarily a reflection of that person, they gain momentum and grow and grow and suddenly you find you've closed yourself off to this person and you feel repelled by them. It is so easy to become complacent, and the trick is to avoid this at all costs in order to maintain a relationship. Keep up habits that make it necessary to stay connected. Deliberately switching off tv/phones/tablets during a fixed time (bed,dinner etc) Little texts throughout the day saying nice things or just to make them smile. A kiss and hug when you see them every day, etc etc. all this will make the relationship healthier and slowly you stop questioning everything and realize you are starting to feel for the person again. I can't guarantee this but it's the only way of you are to give it a shot. But be sure to take things very slow, baby steps, and don't immediately tell your kids until you are confident in the relationship again.

LegacyUser

c0nfused36 wrote: »

Thanks for your advice. Yes i did love her once and we couldnt keep our hands off each other. I carry a lot of guilt that this changed.. and i have no explanation for it. Its like the chemistry just disappeared and suddenly we were like best friends and flatmates.

What's to say you won't encounter the exact same problem in your next longterm relationship? There's a book called "The Course of Love" - definitely read it- it's written by a philosopher, the title explains it all- basically how ye changed isn't not unusual or abnormal, it's just life. Depends what way you want to live,& what or who you want to prioritise.

beks101

I think it would really damage my self-esteem if I was in a relationship with someone who didn't fancy me. Didn't want to kiss me or hold me or have sex with me. Didn't flirt with me and notice the small things - a new pair of earrings, new lingerie, different perfume. Didn't get excited to see me.

These are all hallmarks of attraction, the thing that drives us to commit to someone and create a family with them happily and without needing anyone/thing else to fulfill us. I think without that, you'd be not only damaging your ex, but potentially your kids too. Without even considering a potential car crash ending where you have an affair or end up leaving again - for their parents to not express affection and attraction for one another will skew their perception of what is a healthy relationship and one that they may well end up emulating in later life.