Surprise Longterm tenant.

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Looking for some advice on a situation I've found myself in for the last 8/9 months. Hopefully this won't be too long a post.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for a number of years. We plan on getting married.

Her father is in the process of downsizing his house and moved out of it in October last year. Since then he has spent his time between our average sized two bed apartment, that we rent, and a few other places. He stays in our apartment on average 4/5 nights a week, including weekends. For various reasons he is not in a position to rent his own place.

I was more than happy to have him stay with us at first. I understood it would be for 2/3 months while he got his new house sorted.

We are now 8 months down the road and I am losing my mind. His house took an eternity to sell and he wasn't proactive about looking for his new place while the sale dragged along. He's only recently gone sale agreed, but there could easily be another 2 months until it is sorted out.

My girlfriend and I both work weekdays and it would normally be 6.30/7 before we are both home in the evenings. As a result the only time we really have together are evenings and weekends. Her father would almost always be here at weekends. We are the couple, of his children and partners, that he generally stays with.

At this stage I often can't stand coming home in the evenings after work. This evening I got home and went straight to the gym. After 8 months of almost constantly being in his company I can't stand not having our own space as a couple, or my own personal space to relax and see as my own. There's always someone else's stuff around.

He's quite set in his ways and doesn't make much of an effort to change. Things that are good for him are generally set aside and he is extremely unhealthy. *This paragraph was turning into a list of his habits/attitudes that are killing me, however there's no point in it, I am a tolerant person and if you can take my word for it I think it's better than me listing off a heap of stuff that probably isn't necessary.

I have approached my girlfriend a lot about trying to make the situation better. I have been basically been begging for a rota so there could be some structure to him staying with us, but this hasn't materialised. Her siblings have him stay when it suits but generally it is us that take up the slack. My girlfriend approached him about trying to get a rota going and he took it personally as if we don't want him here at all, rather than just wanting a rota.

I feel that the whole thing is affecting me in a lot of aspects of my life. Our relationship, my relation ship with her dad, her whole family, my relationship with my own family are all under strain. Work is also stressful at the moment and I'm finding the lack of space to unwind hell.

A few weeks ago I basically told her if something wasn't sorted I was going to move home for a while as I couldn't hack it any more. She and her siblings sorted it out for a few weeks but I get the impression her siblings thought I needed 2 weeks off and then it was back to normal. Coming up to the bank holiday I had to ask her to organise a sibling to have him stay which was organised.

While this situation is far from ideal for me, I accept it isn't ideal for my girlfriend, her father or any of their family. No one is 'living the dream' here but I feel I am coming a distant last to anyone else in terms of happiness. She seems to be more concerned with not upsetting her dad than my happiness.

I don't want to go for the nuclear option and break up, but where do I go from here?

Thanks.

Merkin

I think both this man and more than anyone else, your girlfriend, is being totally unreasonable and inconsiderate. Have you actually sat down with her and told her that a weekend here and there of respite is no longer tenable? How could she think that you would be OK with this?

Atlantic Dawn

Do you own the apartment with her or are you renting? If renting I would issue her with an ultimatum that he goes or you go.

strandroad

You have the right to be badly affected. If nothing else helps, I would move back home and most importantly, stop paying rent. Your gf needs to make up her mind and sort it out - she doesn't seem to respect your basic needs and places her family first, it's a bad sign for the future. Who's paying the rent now?

suicide_circus

You need to take action here. You are being taken advantage of big time. He has other kids and they are just delighted that you seem to be willing to shoulder the lions share of hosting their father. Time to put the foot down. Why the feck should you move home to your folks??! This guy is mooching and your gf is being completely unreasonable and needs to stand up to her family if she respects you and values your relationship. If your private time is constantly curtailed by his presence in a two bed flat, I presume your sexlife is shot for a start.

pookie82

I'm rather shocked that after you suggested moving home as a last resort your girlfriend didn't "wake up" there and then to the seriousness of this and arrange for alternative accommodation for him until he's back in his own house.

She's as much of the problem as he is at this stage. She needs to stand up for YOU, not him.

Big Bag of Chips

Are you the only ones without kids? And with a spare room? Quite often, unfortunately, 1 family member is the one who is "let" by all the others to take on the responsibility of another family member. Sometimes because they are the ones who initially offered. Sometimes because it is expected because they don't have a family, and have nothing better to do! It becomes very difficult then to change what has become established without hurting somebodies feelings.

But I think if you handle it properly then you can do it without causing any hurt or awkwardness. First stop has to be your gf. You need to talk to her now about it being time for her dad to move out. But try to be understanding of the fact that he is her dad, and has been her whole life! If it was your parent you might also find that "we'be had enough of you, and want you to move... Today" talk a bit uncomfortable! So while she NEEDS to sort something out, appreciate how difficult it is for her. (Which is obviously why she's been putting it off and hoping it would just sort itself out, sooner) Then you need to approach whichever sibling you think you'd have a better chance of convincing that they need to take their turn now. That it's not fair on you both to have him stay with you indefinitely. Once you have it sorted between you, then you tell her dad what's happening.

The most important thing though is to keep calm, reasonable and pleasant about the whole thing! It's much harder to refuse someone who is being nice to you about something! It's an awful situation to have ended up in, but it's not exactly entirely your gf's fault,and if given the choice, she wouldn't choose this. But at the same time if told at the beginning that her Dad needed a place to stay for a year that he had nowhere else to go, she'd probably still take him in.. as I'd assume most people would if their parent was stuck! It's just that this has gone on longer than expected with the fatger not having much urgency to make alternative arrangements (something that is also common enough, when people get settled somewhere!)

BetsyEllen

You issued a threat that if things didn't change, you would move home.

Things didn't change. So move home.

It doesn't mean you are breaking up, but it does show her that you are serious about this which obviously wasn't clear before. No point in issuing empty threats.

I would explain to her that you can't hack it anymore, you need your own space and this is something you're not getting with her Dad hanging around.
Tell her you love her deeply, you want to be with her for the rest of your life but until her Father moves out, you will be staying at your parents.

You don't mention in your OP if the Father is paying a fair share of rent or bills; this may need to be addressed also.

Big Bag of Chips

LackofSpace wrote: »

She and her siblings sorted it out for a few weeks but I get the impression her siblings thought I needed 2 weeks off and then it was back to normal. Coming up to the bank holiday I had to ask her to organise a sibling to have him stay which was organised.

This is because it is accepted/assumed by her siblings that their dad lives with you, and occasionally visits them.


I think issuing threats and following through is only going to aggravate any already tense situation. It will damage relationship with her family, and with him. Not something you want if you are going to be spending the rest of your lives together.

It's all well and good people saying move out, tell her you're not taking anymore etc etc.. but these are real people, with real relationships and real life. It's not telly! The big dramatic arguments and standoffs are put on telly for dramatic affect. How many real people's lives are actually lived like that?!

Talk to her, come up with a workable plan together and work on that. It'll be a much better foundation for a marriage than going home and letting her sort it out herself.

silverharp

why did he move out of his house when he hadn't sold it? is he renting it out? or is it empty?

groovyg

Her dad must have the blinkers on, does he not realise how much he is imposing on your lives. Is it case your GFs dad has always had somebody in the family to look after him hence he hasn't been looking for a place to buy. I don't think you are left with much choice by the looks of it, you gave an ultimatum and nothings changed.

tcif

LackofSpace wrote: »

We are now 8 months down the road and I am losing my mind. His house took an eternity to sell and he wasn't proactive about looking for his new place while the sale dragged along. He's only recently gone sale agreed, but there could easily be another 2 months until it is sorted out.

8 months in, you've been patient and tolerant to date but I can understand why your patience is wearing thin. And you should understand that "sale agreed" is not necessarily an end in sight. If there's a chain involved it could take six months or more to close or, for any number of reasons, the sale could fall through. Plus what are his intentions when he gets the sale proceeds? It's not quick to buy and it's a very difficult rental market at the moment so no quick fix there. I don't mean to be the bearer of even more bad news - I'm just saying don't be sidetracked by the idea that sale agreed means it'll soon be over when you sit down with your GF to discuss resolving this.

It's not clear from your post how your GF is handling this, but it seems more like a strategy to placate you rather than one to get him out. I do feel for your GF - he is her father and I'm sure she's torn - but after 8 months she has to understand this can't go on indefinitely and a better answer has to be found for her fathers accommodation, and it sounds like her siblings need to start stepping up big time!

stargazer 68

Why did he move out of the house while it was being sold? Surely he could have stayed in it.

LegacyUser

At this stage you need to sort this out. After 8 months she should realise that you have had enough of this situation and it is time to get her siblings involved in living with him for a while.

I would say the following to your girlfriend:

Tell her I am tired of him being here always. I feel like a stranger in my own home. I can't relax at the weekend or after work in the evening. We don't have any time on our own a a couple.
I would then say to her that after 8 months you have had enough of this. I would ring each one of her siblings and arrange to meet them all together without their father being there.
I would tell them since you have had their father living with you for the past 8 months they can now take him to live with them for the next few months.

Her family won't want to do this but it is time for them to take their turn with him. Also if he is moving from a to b to c he will realise he needs to sort out a new house/apartment for himself.

I would also say to her if things don't change in the next month I have no other option but to move out of this apartment. I would also say if I do this I won't be paying anything towards the rent or bills here.
By doing the above you showing her yes I will help you out but I won't be walked on by your father or by your family.


From what you have told us about this man he is set in his ways and is unhealthy. He could get quite comfortable in your apartment so why would he bother to get is house sale sorted. His children are quite happy for you to have their father as he is not upsetting them/their lives or their partners lives.
The longer this goes on the more his family will think your happy with the situation.

I would also consider like some of the other posts said here that in a lot of families one person is left to deal with elderly/sick parent/parents. Her family need to realise as a couple your and your girlfreind are not willing to be left in this position.

SB_Part2

I feel sorry for the dad in all this. He probably knows you don't want him there. I doubt he wants to be there either.

squonk

Why all the focus on the man being unhealthy? It's been mentioned several times now. It's fine for us 20-30-40 somethings to be out running our 10Ks and Marathons and eating our quinoa and pulses while slurping our juices but I guarantee a certain proportion of us will have a different view when we're in our 60's and not as able to do the things we used to do. I don't see what his eating habits have to do with the issue at hand.

Xterminator

Atlantic Dawn wrote: »

Do you own the apartment with her or are you renting? If renting I would issue her with an ultimatum that he goes or you go.

can i just say if you and your girlfriend were flatmates, this is what i would advise.

For a couple in a relationship it is simply put, wrong to suggest this.

its not going to be sorted by throwing a tantrum, moving back to your parents etc. It could be sorted by communication.

you need to sit down with your other half and have an honest heart to heart. explain your feeling, that you have been patient but that your patience has worn out. explain the issues caused by lack of intimacy and being unable to relax at home.

But OP - you seem VERY poor at empathizing with either your partner or her father and understanding their feeling and positions too. if you put yourself in their shoes you might have a better understanding.

X

ongarboy

Xterminator wrote: »

But OP - you seem VERY poor at empathizing with either your partner or her father and understanding their feeling and positions too. if you put yourself in their shoes you might have a better understanding.

X

Lack of empathy? I think that's a bit unfair. Accommodating an in law for several months which I'm sure OP didn't mind initially as it was assumed to be a temporary measure would be classified as empathy in my opinion. It's when the beneficiary of the generosity stays on indefinitely and frankly abuses that generosity that OP is quite rightly entitled to feel aggrieved. I agree calm communication with the GF as to why the situation needs to be change rather than confrontational ultimatums is the way to approach this.

I'm also curious as to why the father could not remain in his own house until the final sale/keys handed over process was complete as many such sales do indeed last more than 6 months such are the complications of loan approvals/retention planning issues/legal issues etc.

duffman13

Personal opinion her is you should try broach the subject with her dad in a non confrontational way. A quick chat around how the house hunt is going etc and make him feel a little uncomfortable rather than anything.

His daughter/your gf is never gonna be able to push the subject. Even offer to help him look for somewhere but try take the lead. I feel sympathy for you and your gf, shes in a very sticky situation and you could possibly be the one to force the issue a little. He might feel more embarrassed if your the one bringing it up.

Alf Veedersane

tcif wrote: »

I do feel for your GF - he is her father and I'm sure she's torn - but after 8 months she has to understand this can't go on indefinitely and a better answer has to be found for her fathers accommodation, and it sounds like her siblings need to start stepping up big time!

This.

It's her siblings she should be talking to. Kids or no kids, they can't just expect her and the OP to put him up full time. The easiest way around this is to get them to step up and invite him to stay more often and that way it can be spun as them wanting time with him rather than the OP needing less time with him.