Insecurity brewing

laurey

Hi all, before I go into detail about my issue, I want to point out that I'm fully aware the issue is most likely mine. My head is all over the place due to lack of sleep and maybe I'm insecure as a result of that. I'm with my boyfriend a year now. We had a baby together recently and I am head over heels in love. I'm just terrified of getting hurt. My fear is based on his past. He's slept with many girls before me. He seems to not get attached to many girls. He has all these previous girls on his Facebook. It appears that he has his pick of all the girls and I know if things didn't work out with me, he can easily get any other girl. These girls are all beautiful and really fancy him. My fear has made me try be the perfect girl as I know he is the type to run at any sign of confrontation.
I have confronted him a few times when he hasn't helped me with the baby etc and his reaction scared me into staying quiet in future. He made me feel like such a nag and wasn't willing to discuss what I was annoyed about. This proves that he runs away easily. I love this man so so much and want him for my life.
However yesterday we were discussing people we know (family friends etc) who are all married but separated and I because of my insecure feelings, I mentioned to him that i find it sad that so many families break up and I said with feeling " I don't ever want us to separate" and he didn't respond. I don't want to annoy him by going on and on but I'd love a promise from him or even him to tell me he would like to be with me forever. How can I bring it up again or should I try forget about it and enjoy our relationship?
I'm not looking for marriage or anything just his word. I was upset when he didn't respond to me saying "I don't want to ever Separate".

fits

If he's not pulling his weight you need to stand up for yourself! Being placid and a doormat is not the way to a happy healthy relationship, trust me on this. If he is that easily scared off, you would be better off without him and your baby too.

PS he doesnt sound like that much of a catch.

wokingvoter

How old is your baby? It's normal to feel very all over the place for a while after your baby is born
If you are feeling very anxious and stressed you need to go to your GP or to the post natal clinic and talk to someone about it
Does your boyfriend live with you and the baby? You both sound kinda young. I know it's very tough time for both of you, getting used to having a little baby to mind and not just focussing on yourselves.
You love this guy to bits and you are struggling to look after your baby look after him, get your figure back , look pretty all the time , make up and hair on point etc
Sorry OP but that's not how it should be. You and he should be pulling together to look after each other and of course both your No. 1 priorities should be your baby.
If this guy wants to leave there is nothing you can do to stop him.
If he doesn't want to verbally commit to you and his child in any way then you can't make him.
If he leaves you and the baby it will be because of himself and his inadequacies not because you were not good enough or pretty enough or anything like that
It will be because he wasn't ready to commit and settle down and put you and his child in front of his own needs
I know you are crazy in love and maybe he is crazy in love with you too but just finds it hard to express himself. You will just have to wait and see how it pans out.
Stop trying to be Ms Perfect Girlfriend and Mother. Right at this time you need to be selfish and focus on your baby.
You can't control the future but you can control right now. See your GP or the midwife if your feeling very down. Remember that this guy you love should be dancing around attending you and his child, not the other way round.
This is tough but true. You can't make him love you if he doesn't.

silverharp

it doesnt sound like a relationship made in heaven, you know him a year and you already have a kid. Arent these the kind of conversation you should have had before you got pregnant? For you to get the outcome you want appears to be pure luck

LegacyUser

If you're walking on eggshells for fear of how a partner will react, you're better off alone.

And "I have confronted him a few times when he hasn't helped me with the baby etc and his reaction scared me into staying quiet in future. He made me feel like such a nag and wasn't willing to discuss what I was annoyed about. This proves that he runs away easily." is an odd way of looking at things. His reaction doesn't prove he runs away easily, it proves he's unsupportive at best and he appears to be too immature to have a baby and a partner.

It's pretty easy to say you love somebody, but when the whole of your post is a list of reasons why you probably shouldn't then saying it is meaningless.

I'm going to guess that at this stage you're only together because you got pregnant and you know that. If so, you won't be happy raising a child with a poor partner and you would be better off doing it alone if he can't improve his behaviour. Far from being afraid you'll lose him, it might well be the best thing that could happen to you in the long run.

Dial Hard

If you're only together a year and you already have a baby then obviously it was very early days when you got pregnant. I suspect this is the basis of your insecurity - you're wondering if would he still be with you if you hadn't gotten pregnant.

I also suspect that in your heart of hearts, you know the answer to that question. And if I'm right, all the efforts to be the World's Best GirlfriendTM will avail you nothing in the long run. And in the meantime you will have worn yourself into the ground trying to please him.

I think you need to have a very honest conversation with yourself OP. Are you really prepared to spend the foreseeable future tying yourself into knots trying to be perfect for this man, all the while terrified that he already has one foot out the door? That does not sound like the kind of relationship anyone would want to be in.

LegacyUser

First thing, stop wasting your time and emotional energy with 'shoulds'; he should do this, he should be that. Your partner is who he is. One thing you cannot change is reality as it is now, things could never ever be other than what they are. Accept life as good as it can be and as bad as it you think it seems, then once you accept reality, as in truth, you will feel better, and free to enjoy your life whether the relationship ends or not. He knows he should be better. He knows he should be doing everything for your baby. No amount of you telling him so will change what is meant to be and if he leaves, he leaves, he was always going to do so. If not, then he won't. Sorry to be harsh, reality can be a bitter pill to swallow but once you accept it you can move on. Your insecurity is your unease with the truth. He will do what he wants, if he wants to be with you and the child, he will, if it's not then he won't hang around. Do what you want, and knowing you can't ultimately control him is one less thing to worry about. Concentrate on caring for your baby.