Completely heart broken

LegacyUser

Have just come out of a relationship and I'm really struggling. We met at 14 and are now 21, we've had two break ups before but neither were longer than a year and we always remained friends during that time.. getting back together seemed to be inevitable for us after having the space both times. We're such close friends and have basically grown up together. He was my first love, first everything.

He's always been quite a solitary person, which I always respected and was fine with. We were never one of those couples who texted 24/7 or saw each other every day, it was usually 2 or 3 messages in the evening and then we'd spend most of the day together on a Saturday/Sunday when we were off work and college. We are in the same circle of friends and I spend a lot of time with the girls, while he does with the lads too. We all go to each others birthday things and out drinking together etc. The last month or two I began to notice he was becoming more and more distant.. there were days when I'd get no reply from the day before at all, or there'd be a two week gap where I didn't see him because he wasn't around..

We finally addressed it recently and he asked me for a week of space to really think about our relationship. My obvious initial thought was that he's become unattracted/the relationship didn't interest him anymore but he claimed that not to be true. He said that he is still in love with me and didn't know what was wrong with him, and why he wasn't putting in the effort anymore. This upset me further, because while I wanted to give him the space he needed to think etc., it did make me feel I was being somewhat 'punished' by being ignored for a week when I hadn't done anything.

The week was up and we met up to see where we were at. We had the best time together for the first while, we were laughing and kissing and it seemed to be the way we always had been. We talked everything out again and on the spot he just suggested that we end it. While that had been on my mind all the time that he'd been pushing me away the previous weeks, I completely broke down when he said it out loud. We stayed together for hours both in tears and I tried to see if there was any way I could fix it, any way I could help him with his recent anxieties, deep down knowing that he's gone and there's nothing I could do. He said he'd been reflecting on the way he'd treated me over the years, pushing me away when his own things were bothering him, or letting us drunkenly get together when we were previously broken up, and basically said he hates himself for all the times he's upset me and that he thinks he's destroyed me and my confidence. Said maybe it was the best thing for both of us to really focus on ourselves and deal with each of our respective issues.

Everything is still really raw but I knew he was right and so we mutually agreed to end it. But now, in these few days of the aftermath of it all, I feel like a complete shell. I've holed myself up for the most part, coming downstairs for meals and just reading/watching mind-numbing things in my room to distract myself. I really don't want to be around anyone and while I know my family are concerned for me, I can't face the thought of talking it all out because even a mention of the whole thing just sets me off. I've tried the approach to meet with some friends and take my mind off it, but my mind just won't go off it and I ended up legging it to a bathroom to hide tears.

I thought I'd stop crying after the first day or so but nearly every ****ing thing in my life reminds me of him and the friendship I've lost. We've decided to go cold turkey, no contact or seeing each other and being civil or brief when we see each other at the odd social thing. I know that it's the right thing and we wouldn't move on otherwise, but I break down every time I think of the friend I've lost. I have the most amazing set of friends and I love them all dearly, I would never want to lose any of them and now that I have my heart is so sore. I've been with other guys before, and really fell for another guy before so I know I can find love again with someone else, and that I'll be fine, but all I can think is that I don't want to. All I want to do is send him a text and get some kind of response from him, but I know there's nothing else for either of us to say and it wouldn't be fair to him to do that. Every time the doorbell rings I'm hoping it's him arrived to come and hug me, and comfort me in all of this, but obviously he won't and he wouldn't be the appropriate person. Sorry for the rant but I feel so lost, it's the end of a big part of my life. If anyone's experienced anything similar I'd really appreciate some words of wisdom or reflections

Big Bag of Chips

He has been your boyfriend for a third of your young life. That's huge, and you're not going to stop crying after a day! You were incredibly young getting together, and it's amazing that you have stayed together so long. Very, very few first loves become your only, long lasting relationship where you get married, settle down etc. I know it hurts now, but I think he has done you both a favour. You are so, so young. You have so much to experience and enjoy. If you are meant to be it will be. But I think you should take a complete breeak from each other. That will be difficult, especially as you obviously have mutual friends, but for now you need to ask for your friends' help. You need to cut all contact. No texts, no meeting up for a chat, no going out in a group for a few drinks. You're not asking your friends to pick sides, just to go out with you separately for a while.

I think it would have been incredibly difficult for him to have that conversation with you. He didn't just decide this last week. It has probably been on his mind for months. He may have been putting it off for a long time hoping things would be ok. So I think you need to respect his feelings and make a clean break. Tell him you are doing it and ask him to give you the space to get over it. Ask him not to contact you.

The hardest bit for you is going to be not having him at the end of the phone. Try your best to not text him. Text one of your friends instead, ask them to keep you busy! It is devastating for you right now, of course it is. Allow yourself to feel that. But, whether you want to believe it or not, it's not the end of your world. It's actually giving you the opportunity for a new beginning. Take the time. Lick your wounds. But you will be ok.

But I cannot stress enough, keep away from him. Don't let loneliness, or habit, or whatever confuse feelings. You both need to be strong about this and keep clear of each other for the next few months at least. No more drunken hookups! This is one reason to not go out in a group for a few drinks!! If he wants to be with you, he'll approach you down the line when he's sober.

It's going to be very difficult for you both to break the habit of being together, but I think you need to respect his position and work at breaking that habit. Good luck, you'll be ok.

ibarelycare

You poor thing

First of all, can I just say how mature and sensible you come across. Your ex bf too. There is obviously a lot of love and respect for each other, and making the (very brave) decision to go "no contact" is admirable. It is an incredibly difficult thing to do, but it is so much better in the long run.

There's not much that anyone can say to make you feel better at the moment. Let yourself wallow and grieve for a while. You're absolutely entitled to it, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I know that sick post-breakup feeling all too well. It's like a constant weight in your stomach and a constant pain in your heart. It will be like that for the first few weeks. But there'll be different things that will start making you happy, making you smile. Whether it's having fun with some friends, planning a holiday, buying yourself a new outfit...these things will start to distract from your pain. As time goes on, these periods of happiness will get longer and longer, until you'll realise that you haven't thought about your pain in an hour...in two hours...in a whole day.

There's no quick fix for getting over a relationship unfortunately, so just take each day as it comes. It might seem right now that you'll never get past it, but you really will. You're at such an exciting age with your whole 20s ahead of you...lots of adventures and fun to be had. For now just mind yourself, and try and stay strong. *hug*

LegacyUser

Thanks for your kind replies, they really gave me a bit of hope in the first few awful days. The last day or two I was feeling a bit better but just got word there he's off out on the town with the lads tonight.. we haven't even been over a week. Feel sick to the stomach. I'll just have to ignore snapchat etc. until Monday it seems..

Big Bag of Chips

Do you mean his Snapchat? I'm not really familiar with it so not sure whether it's him or his mates who would be sharing stuff you could see.. Can you delete/block him/them? Are you still connected to him on social media? How do you know he's off out on the town? Why are YOU not off out with your friends?!

I think you need to delete/unfriend/block whatever him on as many apps as you can. If you block him, at least you won't see things he's tagged in then.

No point still having all these avenues open to him if they're just torturing you.