Disappearing friends?

The Young Wan

Am I the only one to think that when a friend gets in a relationship, they tend to leave you on the backburner?

My friend in my college course recently got together with another lad on the course and these two are now joined at the hip. I've noticed she offers now to spend a lot less time together than previously.

Today we all had an exam, so had to walk about 20 minutes to the centre. A good chunk of us stuck together to bounce off facts and info, she and he just sped off in front and ignored the lot of us. At the centre, she told me to wait on for her after the exam to chat about how it went.

When the exam was finished, I rang the mother first (as always), and then went over to herself to talk it out. As soon as I got there "oh, John* is out over there, I'm going over a bit" and they walked back together again. I haven't heard from her since.

Some of my friends tell me I'm being bitter, some say I should be somewhat peeved. Am I right to be a little pissed off by the flakiness?

nkav86

The Young Wan wrote:

Am I the only one to think that when a friend gets in a relationship, they tend to leave you on the backburner?

This definitely does happen, I just don't think it's a conscious or malicious thing. It's the honeymoon period, they generally wanna spend all their time together or talk about each other to their friends. It can be difficult for the friend that once spent the majority of time with that person to deal with them having less time for you. I would suggest gently mentioning to your friend how you're feeling. I've gone through this myself and it can be hard, especially feeling like a spare part in their company.

The Young Wan

nkav86 wrote: »

This definitely does happen, I just don't think it's a conscious or malicious thing. It's the honeymoon period, they generally wanna spend all their time together or talk about each other to their friends. It can be difficult for the friend that once spent the majority of time with that person to deal with them having less time for you. I would suggest gently mentioning to your friend how you're feeling. I've gone through this myself and it can be hard, especially feeling like a spare part in their company.

How do you gently mention it though, without coming across as the jealous friend (or flying off the handle)?

nkav86

The Young Wan wrote:

How do you gently mention it though, without coming across as the jealous friend (or flying off the handle)?

That's the awkward part, I didn't handle it well myself quite drunk at the time! So I would suggest coffee! Something to the effect of, I'm very happy that you're in a relationship but sometimes I feel as though we don't get to spend much time together and I'd like to see you more. Terribly corny and crap I'm aware but as mentioned, I fooked my chat up so I'm not very good

The Young Wan

nkav86 wrote: »

That's the awkward part, I didn't handle it well myself quite drunk at the time! So I would suggest coffee! Something to the effect of, I'm very happy that you're in a relationship but sometimes I feel as though we don't get to spend much time together and I'd like to see you more. Terribly corny and crap I'm aware but as mentioned, I fooked my chat up so I'm not very good

How do I then bring up how earlier on made me feel? I was a mixture of rage and loneliness on that walk home.

nkav86

The Young Wan wrote:

How do I then bring up how earlier on made me feel? I was a mixture of rage and loneliness on that walk home.

I wouldn't dull down explaining how you felt but do pick a time when the feeling itself isn't as fresh. I'd personally like a friend of mine to explain exactly how I made them feel so I could address it

SarahMollie

This is a story as old as time OP.

I've lost count of the amount of friends over the years that this has happened with.

Maybe this is the first time its happened to you, as you seem to be taking it quite personally. Don't, her actions say a lot about her as a person, and are not a reflection on you.

Its a character flaw in my opinion, and nothing barring maturity will change her, so if you're looking for a quick fix you may be disappointed. For now, focus on the friendships you know you can rely upon, and don't let her put you in an awkward situation again - take back control. By all means, let her know that you don't appreciate being dropped like a hot potato as soon as she gets a boyfriend, however be prepared that she's likely got blinkers on at the moment so may not be willing to listen.

She's just one of those girls. She'll learn her lesson soon enough when this relationship ends (statistically, since you're in college, it will) and she'll be begging for your friendship. At that point its up to you if you want to invest your time in her again.

The Young Wan

SarahMollie wrote: »

This is a story as old as time OP.

I've lost count of the amount of friends over the years that this has happened with.

Maybe this is the first time its happened to you, as you seem to be taking it quite personally. Don't, her actions say a lot about her as a person, and are not a reflection on you.

Its a character flaw in my opinion, and nothing barring maturity will change her, so if you're looking for a quick fix you may be disappointed. For now, focus on the friendships you know you can rely upon, and don't let her put you in an awkward situation again - take back control. By all means, let her know that you don't appreciate being dropped like a hot potato as soon as she gets a boyfriend, however be prepared that she's likely got blinkers on at the moment so may not be willing to listen.

She's just one of those girls. She'll learn her lesson soon enough when this relationship ends (statistically, since you're in college, it will) and she'll be begging for your friendship. At that point its up to you if you want to invest your time in her again.

Cheers Sarah. Do you have any advice on if I were to speak to her about it?

SarahMollie

The Young Wan wrote: »

Cheers Sarah. Do you have any advice on if I were to speak to her about it?

Humm, I'd say you just have to be forthright about it, say your piece and leave it there. Perhaps something like "I'm really happy that your relationship is going so well, but the other day when I had to walk home alone after you'd asked me to wait for you, I felt a bit abandoned and not a priority". Don't get emotional, just explain that you felt excluded and you'd appreciate if she could be considerate. Say that you value her friendship and you'd hate to see you drift apart due to a relationship.

Give her every opportunity to realise her mistake, but if the behavior persists then you have to put yourself first and prioritiese the people in your life who treat you properly. Maybe she'll come back, maybe not. Maybe you'll still want to know her, maybe not.

I had a friend in my last job, we started together and were thick as thieves for the first 2 years we worked together. Then a new guy started, and Boom! they were inseparable. They'd spend every evening and weekend together, and then they'd have lunch in work together too. There were a group of about 6 of us around the same age who used to have lunch every day, and collectively dropped. The odd time she did come, she only wanted to talk about him, and to be honest it was just so boring.

One night we were all at a colleagues birthday party in town, and a lot of people had already left. She said lets have one more drink and share a taxi home as we lived locally. I was already a bit over her at this point, but there was no real issue, so I said sure, let me just nip to the loo, and I'll be ready to go whenever. I got back and searched high and low for her, but then took out my phone and noticed that she'd texted me something along the lines of "Sorry, himself wanted to leave so we've gone ahead". GREAT!

I'm actually annoyed at myself now for giving too hoots at the time, but I was annoyed for a while with her about this....and I'm pretty sure she never even noticed.

In a way it was good, as it allowed me to just basically draw a line under the whole thing. We're still FB friends etc, and if I bumped into her it would be fine, but once I knew she had no loyalty to me, I was just no longer interested in the friendship.

Friendships arent static over a life time, and some people will be great pals for a period of time, but ultimately go their separate ways for a variety of reasons. Yes, sometimes its sad when friendships change/end, but you just have to make sure you don't get taken advantage of, and if you can see the writing is on the wall, just gradually distance yourself and prioritize others. If its not a two way street, then its not a real friendship.

On a slightly more positive note, I have another friend from school who was notorious for disappearing when she got a new boyfriend. We've actually maintained our friendship because at a point where I probably thought our friendship was over, she went out of her way to tell me she'd realised the error of her ways and wanted to put effort into our friendship. Shedid say that she had to come to this realization by herself however, I don't think any amount of talking to her at the time would have made any difference. We're not exactly besties, and we don't live that close, but we meet for dinner in town every few months and always have a great laugh. It works for us

The Young Wan

It's happened again this morning. She lasted about five minutes with me before darting off to be with him. A lesser person would think to be paranoid.

SarahMollie

The Young Wan wrote: »

It's happened again this morning. She lasted about five minutes with me before darting off to be with him. A lesser person would think to be paranoid.

Its absolutely her.

She is just one of those girls.

There is one in every group.

Please don't take it personally.

The Young Wan

SarahMollie wrote: »

Its absolutely her.

She is just one of those girls.

There is one in every group.

Please don't take it personally.

I am trying not to, but it's hard not to feel marginalised and cast aside.

I just don't know where to go from here. When I said it to her on Tuesday that I wasn't a fan of her behaviour she just said "oh. yeah. Sorry."

SarahMollie

The Young Wan wrote: »

I am trying not to, but it's hard not to feel marginalised and cast aside.

I just don't know where to go from here. When I said it to her on Tuesday that I wasn't a fan of her behaviour she just said "oh. yeah. Sorry."

You need to accept that this is beyond your control, and no amount of advice from well meaning people on Boards is going to enable you to change her.

You tried to talk to her and she brushed you off. There is nothing more you can do. Just focus on your friendships where you actually get treated with respect rather than casual disregard.

I'm sure it feels like a kick in the teeth but time heals all wounds. You'll be better off without her in the long run.

nkav86

Forget what I said about it being something they're not aware of, she's clearly aware and not at all bothered. Think you should start pulling back from her, I don't think she sees you as a priority and at this point will only continue to hurt you.

Ursus Horribilis

She's about as sorry as the man on the moon. It's horrible that your friend has decided, just like that, that her boyfriend is the absolute number one priority in her life and that her pals are chopped liver. If you continue to bank on her for friendship or support, you're going to get hurt again and again. My advice to you is to concentrate on your other friends and on making new ones. Don't bother broaching the subject with her again or flouncing off in a huff. Downgrade her in your life to an acquaintance and treat her as such. I doubt she'll even notice.

The Young Wan

Her half excuse was "well, you were on the phone", which is true but when I went to talk to her after the call she was gone on ahead. I got five minutes from her today.

She's talking away to everyone else in the class so it is making me a bit paranoid - what have I done wrong?! She prrviously, when her and The Male got together, promised "no don't worry you're not going to be abandoned" so I really just don't know what to do.

I feel like talking to her over it, but I then remember "well, no. You're important enought not to have to fight for your place in her life and she should know that".

Ursus Horribilis

You might not have done anything wrong. She may be avoiding you because being her closest (?) friend in college means she's expected (sorry - can't think of the right word at the moment) to spend time with you. Chatting to classmates has less strings attached if that makes sense?

I know it's hard to lose a friend - I got phased out by my longtime best friend when I was in my early 20s. But if someone is not interested in being your friend, cut them loose. I'm pretty sure that even if you tried to say something to her, it'd fall on deaf ears and she'd avoid you even more.

The Young Wan

Odus fell down wrote: »

You might not have done anything wrong. She may be avoiding you because being her closest (?) friend in college means she's expected (sorry - can't think of the right word at the moment) to spend time with you. Chatting to classmates has less strings attached if that makes sense?

you lost me a little there.

Ursus Horribilis

I assume she doesn't hang out as much with the other classmates, right? So while they're friends, they're not going to be as fussed about whether she spends loads of time with her boyfriend or not. Whereas you're a closer friend and someone she used to spend more time with. Now that yer man is on the scene, she wants to spend all this time with him. Because you and her used to spend time together, she has to drop you. She probably doesn't want to be pulled up on this or have to explain.

Addle

This happens.
Relationships change.
You'll have different priorities at various times in your life too OP.
Try not to be too dependent on individual friends.

The Young Wan

Addle wrote: »

This happens.
Relationships change.
You'll have different priorities at various times in your life too OP.
Try not to be too dependent on individual friends.

The problem is, I didn't have many friends growing up, so now I have attachment issues and abandonment issues.

freshpopcorn

Can I just ask a few questions.
Is this a childhood friend?
Is this her first relationship/have you being in a relationship?

The Young Wan

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Can I just ask a few questions.
Is this a childhood friend?
Is this her first relationship/have you being in a relationship?

In order:
• no, we met this year at college.
• it's her first serious relationship as far as I can recall.
• yes, I've been in a relationship, but not with quite a while.

freshpopcorn

The Young Wan wrote: »

In order:
• no, we met this year at college.
• it's her first serious relationship as far as I can recall.
• yes, I've been in a relationship, but not with quite a while.

My advice then would be to join clubs/societies when college returns and look at meet up.com.
I've experienced this with people before when they enter a relationship for the first time. There off doing things and having see like mad in generally and it's sort of overcomes them.
You also don't know this girl two long and she might not be who you think she is.
Different people view friendship differently. I know I wouldn't be overly concerned in a similar situation!

Ursus Horribilis

The Young Wan wrote: »

The problem is, I didn't have many friends growing up, so now I have attachment issues and abandonment issues.

I think this could also be feeding into the problem. Would you say you've been too clingy and intense when it comes to your friend? Perhaps this is partly why she's disappearing on you?

The Young Wan

Odus fell down wrote: »

I think this could also be feeding into the problem. Would you say you've been too clingy and intense when it comes to your friend? Perhaps this is partly why she's disappearing on you?

Don't know, to be honest. But us hanging out hasn't been a problem prior to this.

The Young Wan

Thinking back, this is the same friend who had me texting her boyfriend for about 10 minutes without me knowin it was him. That annoyed me. If I had said something private to her I would have been so ticked off.

Ursus Horribilis

The Young Wan wrote: »

Thinking back, this is the same friend who had me texting her boyfriend for about 10 minutes without me knowin it was him. That annoyed me. If I had said something private to her I would have been so ticked off.

It's starting to look like your friend isn't the nice person you thought she was, isn't it? You only met her at college this year so you don't know her all that long. It can take a while for the mask to slip and that appears to be what has happened here. Having her boyfriend text, pretending to be you was a lousy thing to do. Either she did it as a mean trick or she handed him the phone and asked him to text because she couldn't be bothered texting herself. Really, the evidence is stacking up that she's no friend of yours.

The Young Wan

Odus fell down wrote: »

It's starting to look like your friend isn't the nice person you thought she was, isn't it? You only met her at college this year so you don't know her all that long. It can take a while for the mask to slip and that appears to be what has happened here. Having her boyfriend text, pretending to be you was a lousy thing to do. Either she did it as a mean trick or she handed him the phone and asked him to text because she couldn't be bothered texting herself. Really, the evidence is stacking up that she's no friend of yours.

Have to agree. I couldn't see why she did it. When I told her it made me uncomfortable she didn't really say anything, let alone apologise.

Ursus Horribilis

It was a shïtty thing to do and she knows it. What she's trying to do is shake you off by treating you unkindly. It can take a while for the penny to drop because you're still thinking of her as the friend she was. Most friendships don't end with blazing rows and one person telling the other that they never want to see them again. They fizzle out, either of their own accord or because someone has made the decision to phase their friend out. That's not possible here because you're on the same course.

The Young Wan

Odus fell down wrote: »

It was a shïtty thing to do and she knows it. What she's trying to do is shake you off by treating you unkindly. It can take a while for the penny to drop because you're still thinking of her as the friend she was. Most friendships don't end with blazing rows and one person telling the other that they never want to see them again. They fizzle out, either of their own accord or because someone has made the decision to phase their friend out. That's not possible here because you're on the same course.

It's only a year course, and we've finished up now (just class night out on Friday).

I have a feeling she may ask me in to town today and honestly, I don't even know do I want to go.

wokingvoter

The Young Wan wrote: »

It's only a year course, and we've finished up now (just class night out on Friday).

I have a feeling she may ask me in to town today and honestly, I don't even know do I want to go.

Friendships, like romances, can be lifetime affairs, or intermittent, or fleeting.
This is definitely fleeting. Don't let it get sad and bitchy and bitter.
I don't think your a good "fit" for one another.
You want a close personal friend, she wants a casual easy going "are you going into town? No? Ok catch you later. Coffee in my place in the morning? Great see you then!" Kind of a thing.
I know it's a boring cliche but if you join something, Pilates or Yoga or , Jesus I don't know, then you'll meet more people.
College friendships don't seem to last, as intense as some of them might be.
I'm not in contact with any of them even the ones I shared rooms, and sometimes beds! with.
Let her off OP she wants to be with her boyfriend and keep you dangling on a string to amuse her if he's not around.
There'll be plenty more friends

The Young Wan

I was right. "Wanna come in for lunch??" To be honest, I am not too pushed, considering I was pretty much ignored for the week. Harsh??

The Young Wan

When I brought up with her that I was feeling a bit cast aside: "well, we never made concrete plans. So."

Wonzy

Welcome to adulthood. It sucks. Once some of your best friends get into a relationship you might see them once a fortknight, once a month or even once a year. It's what happens when you get older.

Happens in college as well, not just after it.

The Young Wan

I've said my piece to her. That I got she was in a new relationship and it was all roses etc, but that I was feeling a little abandied and hurt, and just to not forget her friends.

Wonzy

The Young Wan wrote: »

I've said my piece to her. That I got she was in a new relationship and it was all roses etc, but that I was feeling a little abandied and hurt, and just to not forget her friends.

It's a part of growing up unfortunately. It happens. Everyone has lost friends over relationships and will keep happening as you get older. You might to get to see people your were friends with throughout your teens once a year or when it suits them to see you.

The Young Wan

Wonzy wrote: »

It's a part of growing up unfortunately. It happens. Everyone has lost friends over relationships and will keep happening as you get older. You might to get to see people your were friends with throughout your teens once a year or when it suits them to see you.

Fantastic. Perma-single TYW will end up truly forever alone, then.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

You've explained to her that you were hurt and why, you can't make her change and if clearly explaining things doesn't make her see it from your perspective then there's no more you can do.

Well done on speaking to her, and I think she's definitely in the wrong, and you're well shot. But if I could offer some advice going forward, maybe try not to get quite so invested in one friendship. For one thing, this is going to happen again, and it's no good to take it so much to heart; I don't mean to downplay her lack of consideration or how hurtful this is, I've been there I know it's horrible, but for your own sake try not to see it as such a big deal. For another thing, behaviour like yours, which I appreciate is influenced by abandonment issues...I can see how to some people it could read as clingy or needy, and that'll drive friends off. It doesn't seem to me like this friendship meant as much to her as it did to you, you sound like a loyal, thoughtful friend but reserve your emotional investment for the people who will give it back, rather than whoever you happen to get on with.

The Young Wan

Rowen Rich Gambler wrote: »

You've explained to her that you were hurt and why, you can't make her change and if clearly explaining things doesn't make her see it from your perspective then there's no more you can do.

Well done on speaking to her, and I think she's definitely in the wrong, and you're well shot. But if I could offer some advice going forward, maybe try not to get quite so invested in one friendship. For one thing, this is going to happen again, and it's no good to take it so much to heart; I don't mean to downplay her lack of consideration or how hurtful this is, I've been there I know it's horrible, but for your own sake try not to see it as such a big deal. For another thing, behaviour like yours, which I appreciate is influenced by abandonment issues...I can see how to some people it could read as clingy or needy, and that'll drive friends off. It doesn't seem to me like this friendship meant as much to her as it did to you, you sound like a loyal, thoughtful friend but reserve your emotional investment for the people who will give it back, rather than whoever you happen to get on with.

These are all really valid points. I've got to start taking things on the chin!

The Young Wan

She's told me a reason she's been distant is because when I'm throwing around an insult as affection (as many Irish people do), she's taken offence to it (she's from the UK). If that's happened since September, I don't see why she wouldn't bring it up until now?

Ursus Horribilis

The Young Wan wrote: »

She's told me a reason she's been distant is because when I'm throwing around an insult as affection (as many Irish people do), she's taken offence to it (she's from the UK). If that's happened since September, I don't see why she wouldn't bring it up until now?

Probably because she's looking for an excuse to justify her behaviour.

The Young Wan

Odus fell down wrote: »

Probably because she's looking for an excuse to justify her behaviour.

I did think that.

Addle

I'm not familiar with the practice of throwing around an insult as affection, and I wouldn't like to be on the receiving end of such affection.

The friendship reads like hard work for both of you.
As you're breaking up for the summer now, maybe best leave it be.

Ursus Horribilis

What was the insult?

The Young Wan

Odus fell down wrote: »

What was the insult?

Basically, when we were revising something recently, I said something along the lines of "don't be an idiot/asshole".

freshpopcorn

I think she views you as a college friend whilst your looking for a BFF.
From what I can tell this was a one year college course and you now finished. Even when I think back to starting school the friends I mad in Junior infants were total different after a about 2nd class when I made friends that lasted into secondary school.
Are you still friend with your secondary school friends have you any plans what to do college/work wise?

Ursus Horribilis

Hmm. Insults are a funny thing. Some people don't mind them because they get the context in which they're meant. At the same time, there are more people than you'd think who don't appreciate being insulted, even if it's not meant maliciously. A word to the wise from now on - lay off the affectionate insults. It'll keep you out of trouble with people. One man's banter is another man's bullying.

Looper007

That's how most College "Friendships" play out O.P, I don't think you should take this very serious as I doubt you're so called "Friend" isn't too worried that she upset you. It seems she got a boyfriend and you are no longer needed on the scene. It sucks, plus the way she's treated you over the last few weeks should be a warning sign to you that she doesn't value the friendship. Once you finish the course, I doubt she talk to you unless you chat to her first. I think chalk this down to experience O.P and just forget about this one.

Ursus Horribilis

The way she treated you is why I'm advising you to let the friendship fizzle out. Usually when a loved up friend starts to drift, it's a case of not hearing from them so often. And when you meet up, the boyfriend can often be in tow or she's going to be seeing him later. What I don't like here is the way she has been treating you. There was no need to snub you or have the boyfriend texting pretending to be her.

You might need to have a think about your own self esteem here and what your abandonment issues are. It's a good thing that you're asking the questions instead of putting up with more of this. It's not just that you and her see the friendship differently. She's not treating you with respect and you should never ever settle for second best.

leggo

Just to reiterate what people have said: this is a thing, OP. It happens a lot. And it's **** when you're going through the stage of realisation that you are now. It feels so personal, but it's really not.

And it makes sense, to a degree: your friends are people who are there for support and/or company when you and they need it. Your partner is who you end up building a life with. It figures that when you meet someone it's a more intense and personal relationship than your friends, because ultimately you're asking for more from them than you are a friend.

Having said that, that's no excuse for her being a dick about it either.

But try and use this experience as a lesson going forward, on both sides. Don't be so dependent on others. And don't look for the kind of intense, dependent friendship off people that you might expect from a relationship. You'll meet people throughout life that you naturally connect and spend a lot of time with, but let that flow naturally and don't try force it, particularly with a friendship.

At the same time, look at the other side of the coin and remember how it feels to be in your shoes now, and you won't pass this feeling onto other friends of yours when you meet a partner, and you'll be better off all-around in future for having been through this.