About to turn 31. Feel as though I might as well be dead.

LegacyUser

I'm not the kind of person who would usually post something like this, but the issues I have to talk about are hitting me now and I decided to turn to here to reach out, to speak on some of the things that have been on my mind this last little while, and to see them written down.

I feel like most, if not all of it is totally pathetic, this is not lost on me as I write what I'm about to.

I'll turn 31 tomorrow. I still live at home. To add to that, my employment history over the last 8 or so years since leaving University in sept 2008 (and that was only for a higher cert in Business, and something to pass the time, at best) has been spotty at best. Most of the money I've made has been from playing gigs in a band. Well, that's not true - it's been pretty much all of it. In the last year, I've started working part time with my brother when he has days for me.

I've never been with a girl, kissed a girl or had a girlfriend. I suppose this arises from a number of issues including shyness, but also, as importantly, my teeth have been in a worsening state of repair since my teens, making it hard to smile without that being noticeable. Kissing one would have been out of the question. The embarrassment about this has made me petrified of even thinking about going to a dentist, although some days right now I'm on the cusp of calling. The thought subsides, though. What would I say about this, anyway?

Few friends over the years, as well. Sure, there have been people I've spoken to, mainly around the activity of gigging, but besides that, no real close friends to speak of. Partly why I'm talking here. But beyond this, there's been a total apathy about going to make any, and my lifestyle this last 8 years or so, has left me a near agoraphobe/recluse in my daily routine. I just wouldn't even know where to begin with it, really. And this goes doubly for any possible romantic thing, which is so laughably far off the radar for me because of what I've previously mentioned.

But this doesn't allay the fear that I'm going to die totally alone and totally forgotten by everyone, and then there are some days where I say, 'good'. And I'm not suicidal, but sometimes I go to sleep thinking, 'I kind of hope I don't wake up.'

And it's not my family's fault or anything. It's not like I have been a victim of abuse, but would very much say I'm that weird member that everybody's sort of tacitly agreed not to speak about, in stoic Irish fashion, and just put up with.

I feel, in many ways, it is too late for me, although I had been thinking that to myself at 21 as well, and I may be cursing my current defeatism if I end up saying it at 41. I just have no idea what I'd really tell a dentist, any girl, a future employer or anyone of my history without them looking at me as a most sad and pathetic creature, not that I could necessarily blame them. Mostly, I feel like I've done all this to myself and am undeserving of notice or help.

I have about 10 grand saved. I'm hoping I could use this money to fix my teeth (where I currently have two front ones badly decayed, two one one side gone, or down to the root, one on the other upper side, and one molar on the lower right starting to crack). I'm kind of pinning my hopes that this would be the start in turning it around. If I ever found the courage to go, that is.

If you made it this far, I thank you. I just want to go forward with some hope.

Neyite

You know, I'd say go for it. Get your teeth sorted. Because although it probably does not have the impact on your relationships that you think it might, it would be something that would give you a massive confidence boost, and that, I think would feed into all areas of your life.

I know a couple of people who could only afford to sort issues like that in their thirties - a couple I know got braces and have amazing smiles now. People get lazer eye treatment all the time. This isn't just cosmetic - good dental care will save you a lot of pain and money in the years to come if you look after them now.

Then, with the rest, take it a bit at a time. Join some sort of hobby group to force yourself out of the rut you are in. That leads to new friends and friends of friends. Look into what you'd like to do professionally - many, many are in the same boat with a patchy CV since 2008, but you can work on it. Just a bit at a time.

dearg lady

One step at a time. Sure it's easy to think it's too late, but is absolutely not! Today is all ya have, so start now. You are fixated on the teeth so sounds like it would be a good idea to get it sorted, these things tend to get worse over time, so best to nip it in the bud now.
Meetup is great for meeting people with similar interests. I'm guessing if you play in a band that you enjoy live music, there's loads of meetups for that! Maybe there's a sport you'd take up as well?
If playing music works for you, look into ways you could make more money from it (wedding band maybe?) or if not, you might like to upskill by starting a course? There's a lot of free places available, and could be a great way to meet more people

Don't be so harsh on yourself, 31 is not the worst and happy Birthday!!

budgemook

Dentists in Thailand are supposed to be good and cheaper. Holiday along with getting the teeth fixed could do you the world of good.

You should definitely get them fixed though. Dentist will have seen all sorts so don't worry about that. Hopefully that will help your confidence and get you on a track you're happy to be on. Never too late.

intheclouds

OP I'm TERRIBLE about the dentist. Only go when something hurts.I feel massive shame even thinking about it. I went 3 weeks ago. Dentist didn't even blink. They see heroin addicts who have 3 stumps left. Your teeth are no big deal I promise!

On the rest of it. The gigging sounds like a good place to meet women no? It's your self esteem that's the issue and no one can fix that for you. You have got to learn to love yourself. Would you consider some counselling to figure out why you are so down on yourself?

You're still really young and have maybe 50 or 60 years left so start doing the things YOU want to do. It's never too late. I actually think volunteering with disadvantaged or the elderly would be good for you. Or travelling. Something to broaden the mind.

It's a bit of a cliche but a year away (and maybe some dental tourism) could do you the world of good.

LegacyUser

intheclouds wrote: »

OP I'm TERRIBLE about the dentist. Only go when something hurts.I feel massive shame even thinking about it. I went 3 weeks ago. Dentist didn't even blink. They see heroin addicts who have 3 stumps left. Your teeth are no big deal I promise!

On the rest of it. The gigging sounds like a good place to meet women no? It's your self esteem that's the issue and no one can fix that for you. You have got to learn to love yourself. Would you consider some counselling to figure out why you are so down on yourself?

You're still really young and have maybe 50 or 60 years left so start doing the things YOU want to do. It's never too late. I actually think volunteering with disadvantaged or the elderly would be good for you. Or travelling. Something to broaden the mind.

It's a bit of a cliche but a year away (and maybe some dental tourism) could do you the world of good.

I should have said, if I hadn't, that I've never been to see a dentist in my life. Six teeth may not be that bad (although I'll allow there's probably other damage I don't even know about), considering that, although I've brushed every day to try and slow the degradation as much as possible, which has been ongoing for the last 16 years or so. Going now would be the very first time, which makes it that much more daunting, still. I've read through various dental clinics' websites, and most of them mention an allowance for nervous patients, so I suppose that's something there.

Sound Bite

OP, your post is very negative and it seems that you are in a negative mindset and cannot see the positive.

You are very article and have a nice way with words even if your content is negative. You are also successful with your music - you wouldn't be making enough money from it to save ten grand if you weren't.

You are clearly unhappy so start with small steps. I completely understand the fear of the dentist and have only managed to get the fear under control. I found a female dentist who appeared to be more delicate with my teeth and really understood my fear and it's made such a difference - look for a recommendation. Your teeth probably aren't as bad as you think but given the fact you see them as a major issue it would be good to start there.

Also try to get a job, any job to start with to get back into that mindset of working, to interact with people etc. The routine will help. Best of luck, it's never too late to change what's making you unhappy.

JakeArmitage

budgemook wrote: »

Dentists in Thailand are supposed to be good and cheaper. Holiday along with getting the teeth fixed could do you the world of good.

You should definitely get them fixed though. Dentist will have seen all sorts so don't worry about that. Hopefully that will help your confidence and get you on a track you're happy to be on. Never too late.

Orthodontics takes up to 2-3 years to complete with monthly to 6 week visits . Theres no way its practical to go to thialand for orthodontics plus their hygiene and safety standards wouldnt be up to the same standard in Ireland

outdoors247

Don't worry about it get your teeth fixed after that deal with the next problem .sort everything in small steps

imfml

Great to see you getting so much good advice.

Posting here is the first step, and from reading your post I can see the positivity peaking through when you talk about taking action on the areas you've identified as causing you unhappiness.

Don't worry about living at home. 2008 was a bad time to finish college, and the country is only recovering now. Stay positive, spend your money wisely, visit a dentist.

Forget about how you will feel at 40 or 50 for now, think about how you want to feel next year, write it down, and write down what you need to do to achieve that feeling. And then do it.

It's good to see you want to make a change, well done for posting, now go do it, and best of luck. I hope you'll feel better about where you are in 12 short months time, and can continue to build on it.

nkav86

Anything I could say would only echo the other posters comments, they're dead right on this. I would advise maybe talking to a therapist or your GP about these issues. There are a lot of other people in your situation, but a lot don't have the confidence to share it like you have today. Happy birthday OP!

Neyite

Something that occurred to me last night after I logged off OP - I know someone who got their extensive dental work done in the North. It worked out a lot cheaper than the quotes they got here, plus it was still eligible for claiming tax back on the work so she ended up getting a nice little rebate from Revenue a few months later.

LegacyUser

On the teeth issue, I'm in the same boat, possibly even worse, but I cannot say it's held me back at all. I wouldn't discourage you from doing something about it if you feel the need, but in the meantime there is no need for it to affect you the way it has. I'm a fair bit older than you and I've had plenty of opportunities with women and I can genuinely say that only once has it been an issue, which really means it hasn't been an issue at all.

More importantly though, focussing on that one issue is a bigger problem for you. You have some huge positives going for you. Maybe you'd be surprised to know that compared to a lot of people your age, your savings are very decent. I'm going to assume too that it means your almost or completely debt free. Huge positives. You've also amassed them while working in an area that can be difficult to earn in, so you're doing well at it and doing well with money. You might be surprised how many people would envy you.

I doubt that your family view you the way you think, I'd say it's more likely they just see you as quiet and reserved and they leave you to do your own thing. I would imagine you have pulled back from family life a bit and the same goes for your social life, so you can't view them as staying away from you when in fact you've done the withdrawing. You might also stop to look at the social circles of those around you, for people of your age they are generally quite small, a handful of long-standing friends, a small number of acquaintances through work or hobbies, and that's it really. I think that works for most happy people. I know people with huge, busy social circles and it becomes a noose, they feel they have to be out for every occasion and they suffer a fear of missing out, they're not there to enjoy themselves any more.

Lastly, you're only 31. That really is nothing. I'd say the better part of my life has been the years since I turned 31. I've travelled loads, taken up a couple of sports, in one of which I became one of the best in the world for a while, made some new and great friends at a time when I understood friendship better, met my girlfriend, who is the same age as you and couldn't care less about my teeth, taken some leaps in my career and just started building a house. Looking back, I hadn't a clue at 30 that any of that would happen and I wouldn't have had a clue how to achieve any of that. I'm not alone in that pattern either and I know a few people who've done far more than me at the same time of life and later. Seriously, you should be excited about the possibilities, not fearful of the future.

intheclouds

VeryAfraidOfFuture wrote: »

I should have said, if I hadn't, that I've never been to see a dentist in my life. Six teeth may not be that bad (although I'll allow there's probably other damage I don't even know about), considering that, although I've brushed every day to try and slow the degradation as much as possible, which has been ongoing for the last 16 years or so. Going now would be the very first time, which makes it that much more daunting, still. I've read through various dental clinics' websites, and most of them mention an allowance for nervous patients, so I suppose that's something there.

My dentist has won awards for being a "sensitive dentist" (which is the only reason I go to her!).

If you are in south dublin she might suit you?

Dont feel bad about it, my friends husband hadnt been to the dentist since he was 16 years old and he went at age 45 and he didnt even need a filling (but he did need a broken tooth fixed) and some cleaning.

baby and crumble

Definitely echo what others have said re the teeth OP. Mine were in a bad state and when I went in and got a treatment plan I knew what I was facing. That cost so far hasn't been too bad, and tbh I can only afford it now because graduating around the same time as you has meant I wasn't able to find work until recently. I'm so happy I went and am getting things sorted. I still have to save up to get implants but at least now I know the teeth and gums I have are in good nick.

When we were younger, dentists really were awful, weren't they? Now though I can't believe how easy and painless it all is. Like, I've had to get 5 fillings and 2 extractions and I've had zero pain. Like, zero. Honestly, t's a whole other world now OP. Most good places will do nothing until you're comfortable, and if they try and talk you out of it or whatever just leave. Don't stand for any nonsense. Get a young dentist if you can, they're much better and far less "old school" I think.

After you start getting that started, really think about what you want to do with your life. Picture your dream life in 10 years. Like, if you could wave a magic wand and get that, what would it look like? Then work backwards. Like, if you say in your dream life you'd own a house and have a job working in a recording studio or something, then work the steps backwards to getting that. Do you know what I mean?

And honestly, OP, I'm 33 and I still feel like a total fraud. I've got a house and a soon-to-be wife and a decent job but some days I'm convinced I'm a total loser that nobody likes. So you're not alone.

LegacyUser

Sounds like you've got yourself in a bit of a spiral, OP. Never mind about turning 31 and having a less-than-stellar CV. All you need is that one opportunity. But motivation is the key, and I'd say it's a good idea to work on your other worries first. Never kissed a girl...so what? I'm saying that in a nice way. There's nothing intrinsically 'good' about having a high volume of relationships. But hey, relationships can be a bit over rated too..I learned the hard way. I prefer having my time to myself (GAMES!! Lol).

But like the job, all you need is to find that one good relationship- if you find a nice girl who makes you happy and you look forward to seeing her, stick with her. But of course, the dental thing sounds like its holding you back. It's worth keeping in mind that there might be other countries you can go to and get some work done too for cheap prices.

But overall, don't worry- we hold ourselves to these social standards and rites of passage, thinking that we're somehow missing out on what others have. But trust me, no matter what anyone says, or what they do or put on their Facebook page, nobody has the perfect life. Everyone has an issue or a 'stigma' of some kind that they hide, but not all stigmas are the same, so when we COMPARE ourselves to others, and they don't have OUR issue, we think that they have it better.

SarahMollie

You seem to have a bit of a fixation on your teeth, so the likelihood is that if you had these sorted you'd feel a lot better.

My best friend is a dentist and believe me, she sees all sorts and nothing phases her. They can do amazing things these days, so you should really be firm with yourself and commit to doing this to better yourself.

The only thing that is certain is that if you do nothing, then your teeth will dis-improve, and this cycle will only continue to self perpetuate.

pwurple

Book a basic checkup with a dentist and start from there. They will come up with a treatment plan for you.

Teeth are so vital to your health and your mental well being. It's step one for you.

Go do it.

Mick Murdock

I don't know the specifics about the cost of dental work in Ireland but I do know a friend had some great work done in Hungary at a fraction of the cost. He could fly in and out with Ryanair, have a few holidays in a nice hotel.

The dental forum here may ease your fears. There are loads of people in the same position.

You could focus on making a good chunk of your living through music. Wedding bands are raking it in.

Subsidise it with a menial job if you need something to do.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Going to the dentist and getting my teeth done was one the best decision I made. I had such a phobia and such bad self esteem.

The dentist is a service if you feel belittled or un comfortable you can go elsewhere. They are used to situations like this and are understanding. It won't fix all your problems but it definitely really boosted my confidence and made a big difference in my life. First thing to do is make that phone call for appointment and maybe bring someone with you if you are really nervous. I did look up clinics that offer sedation if u really need it but I managed without.

LegacyUser

Hey OP. I'm 33 and have braces. Dentists get a lot of work from older patients fixing their teeth these days, you know. They won't blink an eye. I have family members who have perfect teeth to look at, yet still regularly need root canals, fillings etc. And it's nothing to do with how they care for their teeth, it just is what it is. Let's face it, that work keeps dentists in business.
As for the age - as someone else said, most people are winging it. I'm 33 in a dead-end job. I've been in a dead-end job for 6 years now and I haven't a clue what to do next. The worst part is that I have a really good degree and Masters. The recession screwed things up for me career-wise and I just haven't managed to get out of it since. I feel like a completely sad person at this age in my life in lower level paper pushing roles.On the other hand, I don't have 10k saved, which is pretty impressive all things considered. Go you
Go for it on the dentist. Find one that is recommended to be sensitive and take it from there. If nothing else it will give you a boost in yourself and how you feel about yourself.
Good luck!

intheclouds

puytyoi wrote: »

If nothing else it will give you a boost in yourself and how you feel about yourself.

And - improving your oral health is good for your overall health and wellbeing.

I worked with someone who ended up with a serious heart problem from not looking after tooth decay, there was basically poison getting into his bloodstream from an infected tooth and it damaged his heart.

So get those teeth sorted!

frolic

It sounds as though you are very depressed. Have you considered reaching out to an organization called GROW? They helped me.

Do your parents ask what's going on with you?

CaoimheSquee

OP I didn't go to the dentist for 15 years.
I had and have MAJOR anxiety issues and depression for the last 20 years. I've been in hospital for how bad it got about 6 years ago.

Listen to me though, GET THE TEETH SORTED!

It's a deep rooted cause of your social anxiety feeding so much into your life. The achievement of getting them sorted and facing the fear will be so positive. It'd taken me some time to get there myself but now I can join in the conversation when people talk about dentist visits and not feel like a monster.

There are amazing practices out there that understand the fear and really are so kind and non judgemental. They just want to help.

Once you start to tick off the big issues other things WILL fall into place.

You are a musician, you have a family you can rely on, yo have some income and potential for more.
You just need to build the belief in yourself to build your own life.

You can so do this

notsoyoungwan

Op, get your teeth sorted! Don't worry about what the dentist will think of you, if anything they will relish the challenge. I had bad teeth for years, overlapping, crooked and once-white fillings on my front teeth that had become discolours and just looked dreadful. I was extremely self-conscious, used really try and hide them, to ridiculous degrees, eg talking with a hand shielding my mouth etc. There is not one photo of me with my teeth on show, I've a closed smile in every photo. Eventually, I got the money together to get them sorted. And it changed my life. Literally. The confidence I gained was unbelievable. And i now beam out of photos! It's hard to actually express how much the bad teeth were actually holding me back. I made other changes to my life after getting them sorted, spurred on by the new-found confidence. Get the teeth sorted, and I think things could look up a lot for you.

I'm 31 too. Back in 2012 I was made redundant and got a little windfall from it. In 2014 I decided to get braces because I was always self-conscious about my teeth. Two years later, the braces are gone and my teeth look great!

I'd say go for it.

intheclouds

Im just back from a dental appointment this morning and I was even crying at it because I am such a nervous dental patient but they were SO nice to me and SO helpful about the stuff Im worried about.

Plus it didnt hurt at all and they kept stopping if I needed a break.