Ex didn't attend funeral

DivineMsM

My lovely mum passed away almost 2 weeks ago.
My ex husband didn't come to the funeral. We are almost 4 years separated, I would say our relationship now is cordial and polite rather than friendly. We have joint custody of our 2 children so we are in almost daily contact. He knew she was sick. I let him know only hours after she passed away. I told him what day the funeral was, in the context of arranging the kids schedule.
He grew up in the states, he also has family from the UK. I'm making excuses for him with my family- that perhaps because I didn't formally issue an invite he didn't feel welcome. Is that the way it works in other countries?
He has always been socially awkward and wouldnt have the best manners.
But this is really annoying me. She was a lovely mother in law to him. I feel it's so disrespectful to her, and to me and my dad.
I want to say something to him. As I say, our relationship now isn't the closest. There are always issues on both sides just under the surface. Mostly these days I bite my tongue just to avoid any blow ups and mud slinging. But in this instance, I'm hurt and angry and I feel that for the sake of my mum he should be made aware that he messed up. What do you think?

omegab

Hi,

Sorry to hear about your news.

From my perspective, people have different sensitivities - in this case I don't believe he did anything wrong by not coming to the funeral. He is your ex-husband and you are both living separate lives now, and he may have just been giving you and your family the space to deal with this sad event. Or he may have a different perspective on death and funerals and social rituals than you do.

Why do you feel angry that he didn't attend? It is of course his choice about how he wishes (if he wishes) to mourn those who have passed on. What is your desired outcome if you choose to berate him as you propose?

alane20

Sorry for your loss, but maybe he didn't feel comfortable been isolated and surrounded by all his ex in laws, and it's great that things are civil between you both now but at the time maybe a lot of misinformation about the reasons behind the separation he still feels uncomfortable in the situation, if it was me I wouldn't attend unless expressly asked, maybe ti take the kids after the mass for day or 2 to give you time to grieve without you needing your mummy head on at the same time, in my case id also like to be sure my ex mother in law is gone

I definitely find that Americans and British people don't regard funerals in the same way as Irish people and wouldn't dream of coming unless expressly invited. It may have been this.

Either way, he has hurt you and you are free to tell him this. It was almost certainly not intentional. Ask yourself if you want the grief of having this conversation with him.

I'm very sorry for your loss by the way.

Big Bag of Chips

DivineMsM wrote: »

As I say, our relationship now isn't the closest. There are always issues on both sides just under the surface. Mostly these days I bite my tongue just to avoid any blow ups and mud slinging.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. However, I think he was damned if he did, damned if he didn't. Things aren't good between you. You dint have a nice relationship. You had enough to be dealing with without having to pass fake pleasantries with him, and he probably felt it was kinder to stay away. Your family don't seem to think much of him, so he probably felt if he was there, they'd all be watching him/judging him whatever.

I know you say you feel it is so disrespectful to your mum, and I genuinely don't mean to upset you, but your Mam is gone, and it doesn't actually matter to her. It matters to you. Fair enough. But he's your ex husband. He's not a source of support to you. And it's really none of your family's business.

Some people don't "do" funerals. My husband is from Dublin, and he doesn't understand the country thing of going to the funeral, of a friend's cousin who you never met! He goes to funerals of family members. His own family members. When my aunt, who he had a great relationship with, was buried he went to work. And funnily, I didn't expect him not to because I know what he's like.

Obviously you are all a bit raw and upset at the moment, but I don't think your ex husband necessarily did anything wrong.

readytosnap

DivineMsM wrote: »

Mostly these days I bite my tongue just to avoid any blow ups and mud slinging.

Hi, Sorry for your loss, I think the reason he did not attend would not of been out of malice, like others have said, some people feel they need to be invited to a funeral. Anyway I don't think it would be beneficial to anyone for you to confront him over his non appearance as you have stated above, you bite your tongue.... I can assure you that if you confront him over the funeral then that will only open the floodgates for all the tongue biting incidents to come to the fore and that will certainly only make your relationship with him less cordial than it is at present.

riffmongous

How long has he been Ireland, long enough to know going to a funeral is the done thing if you care about a person at all? And you are sure he wasn't there, at the back maybe because he .ight have wished to keep a low profile out of respect?

seamus

Like others I'd be inclined to think that he didn't attend because he didn't think it was appropriate. Not because he didn't care, but precisely because he did care.

Any reasonable human being knows that a funeral is the last place you cause or create any kind of scene or disturbance; while this are "cordial" between the two of you, he may have felt that the emotionally charged situation of a funeral was not the best place to encounter you and your family. I can see why he wouldn't attend out of respect for you all.

I'd be inclined to ask him if it's brought up the next time you see him. Just tell him that you would have liked him to be there, and he may explain why he wasn't.

QuietMan2010

Mystery Egg wrote: »

I definitely find that Americans and British people don't regard funerals in the same way as Irish people and wouldn't dream of coming unless expressly invited. It may have been this.

Agree with this 100%. I grew up in the UK (didn't leave until my 30s) and funerals are regarded almost in the same way as a wedding - you wouldn't dream of attending the church unless you were invited, let alone any private gathering afterwards. I suspect the USA is similar.

I am very sorry for your loss.

tayto lover

Sorry for your loss OP.
I have never heard of someone being "invited" to a funeral though. Is this a new thing?

QuietMan2010

tayto lover wrote: »

I have never heard of someone being "invited" to a funeral though. Is this a new thing?

You wouldn't think of going unless you'd been asked.

Birdsong

tayto lover wrote:

Sorry for your loss OP. I have never heard of someone being "invited" to a funeral though. Is this a new thing?

It's a UK based thing, definitely wouldn't be going to a funeral in the UK without an invite.

They can not understand how you might go to the funeral of say a work colleagues mother for example.

riffmongous

Birdsong wrote: »

It's a UK based thing, definitely wouldn't be going to a funeral in the UK without an invite.

They can not understand how you might go to the funeral of say a work colleagues mother for example.

Is this the same everywhere in the UK though? What about in the little villages in the countryside

FortySeven

I'm from UK. We don't do the whole family and surrounding area thing. It's very Irish/Catholic to do that. My father died a few weeks ago in the UK and he didn't have a funeral at all. He was just taken to the crematorium to be burned.

I personally could not take all that social shenanigans at a time of loss and I have no idea how people do it. I will avoid funerals at all cost, so far I have been to 2 and I'm almost 40. Could be that your ex is like me. I just don't see the point.

Sorry for your loss op.

PLL

Sorry to hear of your loss.

My father attended the funeral of my mother's father when he did. They had been split 5 years, he was recently remarried and I was 8. However my father really cared for my mother's father, his own father died when he was 15 and he really bonded with him - he reminded him of his own father. This is not to say that your ex didn't care for your mother but I doubt the relationship was as significant. My mother even commented how nice it was for my father to attend, she didn't expect he would.

Also in the scenario I mentioned all people were Irish (albeit living in England) it is a very very Irish thing to attend funerals of pretty much everyone you knew out of respect. I can't speak for the states but it certainly isn't a big thing among people in England. I don't think he meant to be rude and if he is socially anxious that would explain it even more. I know it is hard not to take it heart, you want to him to appreciate your mother. I'm sure he does, just in a different way.

Charles Babbage

The deceased was his children's grandmother and he should have attended. He didn't have to mingle closely with the family and no normal people would have hassled him, a funeral is no place for a grudge. Being a foreigner is all very fine, but when in Rome you do as the Romans do.

Stheno

I'm Irish small town born and bred with an ex husband whom I get along with cordially.

He attended my father's funeral as did my work colleagues at the time and tbh I wish neither had.

When his father died I sent a sympathy card but didn't go, I'm no longer part of his family or friends was my reasoning

jd

Charles Babbage wrote:

The deceased was his children's grandmother and he should have attended. He didn't have to mingle closely with the family and no normal people would have hassled him, a funeral is no place for a grudge. Being a foreigner is all very fine, but when in Rome you do as the Romans do.

Maybe he didn't know, he hardly would unless he was told. I'm sure there are plenty of Irish people who don't know the differences in England or say the east coast of the US

Charles Babbage

jd wrote: »

Maybe he didn't know, he hardly would unless he was told. I'm sure there are plenty of Irish people who don't know the differences in England or say the east coast of the US

No doubt there are such Irish people, but probably not those living there.

Big Bag of Chips

Maybe you assumed he'd be there. Maybe he assumed you'd prefer him not to be there.

Buona Fortuna

Sorry for your loss OP.

I agree with BBOC's comment on the first page.

When my Dad died, my brother's ex-wife decided she would attend. There relationships was frosty and we were all just praying that the day wasn't going to be anymore difficult. Thankfuly it wasn't.

Powerfairy

so sorry for your loss thinking of you and your family, If it was me I would attend but as other people have advised maybe its a UK thing, Try get through the anger and focus on your mothers memory, and your own grief. sending prayers your way x

DivineMsM

Its taken me till now to respond- thanks to all who posted responses to my question.
Still not happy about his no show- he could have asked 'can I attend or should I stay away' he is living in Ireland 15 years so he knows the drill.
But at the same time- not surprised by his lack of respect.
I also think my anger was fuelled by grief and I was focusing on this rather than deal with my own feelings.
Glad I didn't confront him.
Just another item on the (long) list 'why he is my ex'

readytosnap

DivineMsM wrote: »

Just another item on the (long) list 'why he is my ex'

Yep, you just need to let it go or it will just wreck your head forever