Marriage is a joke

LegacyUser

Hi guys, apologies in advance for such long post.

My husband & I are in a sexless marriage (sex is max 2-3 times per year), the reason being is that he is simply uninterested. It was just as sexless 1 year before the marriage. He used to play online games & be up until 2-3 am playing games & chatting with his fellow gamers online. Now he is not playing games as we have a small child but he is on Facebook a lot. So now in the evenings after work he is either online on Facebook, or watches videos. He does no housework and minds our child for about an hour every day while I do house chores. I am not unattractive, in fact I was told my many that I am quite attractive: I have a very feminine figure & a pretty face. I feel this is important background.

For the last week or so he has been on Facebook constantly, he does not even log off, and I checked what he was doing so much there. Turns out he is flirting very heavily with a girl he knows from work. From their chat it is obvious that he is really into her, he asks her daily if she is free to meet for a chat. And I do believe that chatting is as far as it got so far.

Last night I told him that I knew that he was into this girl and that basically free to go off if wishes to, as long as he keeps supporting me & our child financially. I mean, he is my husband and used to be my best friend, but after seeing how actively he is pursuing this other woman I'd rather let him go than live with a cheater, even though our marriage is pretty sexless, and has been like that for the last 4 years.

Anyway, he said he was sorry but it was because he felt lonely and I am emotionally unavailable, and that he really shouldn't have gotten into this with the other woman, and that the main reason for all this was that they had so much in common & he has so few friends.. That if she were a man he would have been acting the very same.. Somehow after our conversation I was under impression that he wants to work on our marriage & try and work on our sex life & will stop talking to that woman so much. But today, I checked his Facebook messages and there they are again talking about going for a run together tonight. There will be other people there as well but I don't know if that makes it ok then? I mean, after all that last night he is still doing the same thing. So it looks like he is not that invested in saving our marriage and being with me at least for the sake of our child...?


I am so sorry if none of this makes any sense, I guess I am just overwhelmed by all this & finding it difficult to put things into perspective. I haven't told a single other person because I don't want to paint him in a bad light to those who know him & I am ashamed to admit the whole sex-less thing to any of my own friends.

Please give me any advice, I don't know what I should do. Perhaps I should stop reading his facebook messages, but if I hadn't read them I would be living like a fool for many more years. I m just so busy with our child, he doesn't help me at all, I work part- time too, and when I am in work a neighbour minds him. The child sees his daddy for very little time every day & when he does see him, he is on Facebook texting someone.

arayess

I think your relationship is dead. He was caught doing whatever he was doing and hasn't stopped or made an effort since.

I've seen People get in a rut and act in way that is hurtful to their nearest and dearest but generally snap out of it when they realise the hurt they are causing.
he didn't which speaks volumes.


I don't know you bar what you posted but you haven't slagged him off or anything so that leads me to think that you are a nice person, possibly too nice for this fella. Maybe you need to start being harder on him.

You owe it to yourself to be happy , your happiness is your responsibility not his.

I think if he doesn't improve and cut his fancy woman free immediately you should start looking to get rid of him.
It will do your self esteem the world of good to be shot of a leech like that.

You can then have the freedom to live your life they way you want...be that on your own or with somebody else who will treat you better and make you feel desired.

Don't be ashamed of your situation, you aren't the first and certainly won't be the last, talk to a friend and get it off your chest.

sadie1502

Have you actually sat down and spoken about it and how you are both going to proceed. Was it a long conversation? Did you lay it on the table ?

daisybelle2008

GiveMeThatAnon wrote: »

Hi guys, apologies in advance for such long post.

My husband & I are in a sexless marriage (sex is max 2-3 times per year), the reason being is that he is simply uninterested.

So it looks like he is not that invested in saving our marriage and being with me at least for the sake of our child...?


if I hadn't read them I would be living like a fool for many more years..

OP would you want to continue in a loveless, sexless relationship for the sake of your child? It is really surprising that you would have gone on like this for years if you hadn't read the messages! Neither of ye seem to expect much of this marriage. He spends spare time online and does no housework and has no interest in having sex with you and pays little interest in his child...? Whats to save?

Maybe this this situation is at least making you look at what you have, which really isn't much to begin with. I wouldn't be trying to 'win' him back, seriously I'd give her a receipt, tell her he is hers now, no returns! Take the bull by the horns and don't wait for him to throw a few crumbs your way.

Hopefully he would want time with and financially support his child if ye split?? Seems like he is taking both you and your son very much for granted at the moment and hence so little effort.

LegacyUser

Guys thanks so much for your replies, honestly I appreciate that strangers took time out of their lives to reply.

I don't know if there is anything to save, that's the thing.. That's why I told him last night that he can go off if that's what he wants, but me & the child do need financial support, because we've nowhere to go & no-one to turn to. I know, there is nothing to save in this relationship.. But he said that he was sorry and he messed up & he wants to work on our relationship. And then he is just just back to the same thing again.. I am sorry if I am repeating myself. But I feel that all we have in common now at this stage is our child & I can't imagine how he would feel if we were to leave his daddy & live somewhere else.

But the husband told me yesterday that the reason he was looking somewhere else is because I am always unavailable & never listen to him. But the reason I am always unavailable is because I am so caught up in my own work, house work, caring for the child, cooking, arranging childcare, etc. He simply does not help. The reason why he didn't help used to be because he sat up all night playing online games, then we had huge fights and he stopped playing, but he is still as addicted to wasting time passively watching videos on his PC, or 'socialising' on Facebook. During this time I would be caring for our child day & night, in a separate bedroom, because the child disrupted his sleep when he was an infant & now we are all just used to these sleeping arrangements.


I should also add that he has very bad mood swings, and what I would call anger issues, though he would tell me that I should stop 'nagging' or annoying him if I don't want him to get angry & behave the way he behaves when he gets angry.

If we didn't have a child I'd have no doubts & just leave, because I am well able to work & take care of myself, but now my child is my number 1 priority & I don't feel it would be fair on the child for me to start working full time just to be able to afford childcare once we separate.

Today, the woman in question came in to use our bathroom while me & my child were upstairs playing. I got a notice from my husband, though, that she will be coming in to pee for just a second before they go off for their run (there is a group of people, not just the two of them). But I felt this was highly inappropriate, but said nothing.. What can I say? I couldn't say anything to him at the time anyway as our child was right there with me & I wouldn't like him to see us fight.

Thanks again guys for listening

Faith

GiveMeThatAnon wrote: »

Anyway, he said he was sorry but it was because he felt lonely and I am emotionally unavailable

Ordinarily, I'd see something like that as an excuse. However, you seem to be remarkably unperturbed by the situation. You say:

Last night I told him that I knew that he was into this girl and that basically free to go off if wishes to, as long as he keeps supporting me & our child financially. I mean, he is my husband and used to be my best friend, but after seeing how actively he is pursuing this other woman I'd rather let him go than live with a cheater, even though our marriage is pretty sexless, and has been like that for the last 4 years.

That's a bizarre reaction to the suspicion that your husband is cheating on you. On an emotional level, it's exceptionally unusual and implies a total lack of emotion. It sounds like you just want the stability that you're used to, rather than actually expressing any emotion towards your husband.

If you really think about it, do you think you might be cold and emotionally unavailable to him? It doesn't excuse potential cheating, but it could go some way towards explaining why your marriage is failing.

Johnnyhpipe

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone."

I don't know enough about the situation to make a call, but it seems that the above applies. In a similar boat myself sadly.

forgodssake

From past experience if you need to question your relationship then its time to let go x I wish you the very best of luck x

ManOfMystery

GiveMeThatAnon wrote: »

The reason why he didn't help used to be because he sat up all night playing online games, then we had huge fights and he stopped playing, but he is still as addicted to wasting time passively watching videos on his PC, or 'socialising' on Facebook.

Your husband is lazy. That's the bottom line. He wants entertainment, not chores or work. He's lazy about housework, and he's also become lazy about your sex life and relationship.

I am married, and we have a 2yr old, so I can well appreciate how demanding a child is (I often wonder how people with 4 or 5 or more kids cope!!!). I cook the dinner most evenings, do my share of the housework, and try and get caught up in other little jobs and DIY when I can. And my OH does more than her fair share. I'm acutely aware that when I get home from work, I have a window of about 2hrs to see Junior before he goes to bed, so I try and spend some quality time with him (as does my OH) and if anything pressing needs done, then it gets done after he goes to bed - during my Facebook time, Xbox time or whatever else you want to call it.

I'm not saying this because I feel I should be in any way praised. I don't do anything abnormal. This is life, and sharing the burdens and pressures in a family, and I just don't understand how someone can plonk themselves on a sofa for the evening whilst someone else does all the housework and chores and runs around after a child. At best, it's ignorance and laziness. At worst, it's those two things coupled with a complete lack of respect for you and a general nonchalance towards your marriage.

Of course, it takes two to tango and perhaps you should think about whether you've been emotionally 'cold' to your husband. Your posts above certainly focus more on the ins and outs of daily life than how you actually feel about your husband - do you love him? Are you still attracted to him? Do you see a future growing old together?

With that said though, I don't think your husband's behaviour is totally down to you being emotionally distant - assuming you were. That in no way excuses him from being lazy and incapable of making an effort to help, not making an effort to improve things in the bedroom, and chatting to another woman on Facebook.

There's a chicken and egg situation here - but whether he's behaving like this because you're emotionally distant, or you're emotionally distant because he's been behaving like this - he's still an adult and knows right from wrong.

All I can suggest is that you look at your feelings closely, and think about how you want to move forward. There's nothing here that can't be fixed with a big effort from all involved, but they have to want it to be fixed in the first place.

I also think you should be more assertive. Giving your husband free rein to do what he wants, or letting him invite the woman he's flirting with into your home - well that's just feeding whatever hunger his ego has. Sometime it's not a bad thing to actually get angry.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

Ordinarily, I'd see something like that as an excuse. However, you seem to be remarkably unperturbed by the situation.

+ 1 OP you start by talking about how your marriage is sexless implying you want to change this but then your main focus is stability. At no point do you talk about a happy point in your relationship, you say the sex was gone a year before you even married. This woman hasn't ruined your marriage, it was already dead by the sounds of things. You don't talk about a part point were you were happy together, in love, being close, you say he went from being a gamer to living on facebook - you didn't like him gaming so much but rather then deal with like a couple he just stopped and replaced one vice with another. Nothing in this relationship sounds healthy and if your child is really your no 1 priority you should separate as it cannot be healthy for them living in an environment like that.

Emme

GiveMeThatAnon wrote: »

I don't know if there is anything to save, that's the thing.. That's why I told him last night that he can go off if that's what he wants, but me & the child do need financial support, because we've nowhere to go & no-one to turn to. I know, there is nothing to save in this relationship.. But he said that he was sorry and he messed up & he wants to work on our relationship. And then he is just just back to the same thing again.. I am sorry if I am repeating myself. But I feel that all we have in common now at this stage is our child & I can't imagine how he would feel if we were to leave his daddy & live somewhere else.

It looks like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Do you cook and clean for him and look after him as well as your child?

GiveMeThatAnon wrote: »

But the husband told me yesterday that the reason he was looking somewhere else is because I am always unavailable & never listen to him. But the reason I am always unavailable is because I am so caught up in my own work, house work, caring for the child, cooking, arranging childcare, etc. He simply does not help. The reason why he didn't help used to be because he sat up all night playing online games, then we had huge fights and he stopped playing, but he is still as addicted to wasting time passively watching videos on his PC, or 'socialising' on Facebook. During this time I would be caring for our child day & night, in a separate bedroom, because the child disrupted his sleep when he was an infant & now we are all just used to these sleeping arrangements.

So he lets you do all the work while he sits around playing with his computer and then blames his emotional infidelity on you for being unavailable :eek: That's a bit narcissistic of him.

GiveMeThatAnon wrote: »

I should also add that he has very bad mood swings, and what I would call anger issues, though he would tell me that I should stop 'nagging' or annoying him if I don't want him to get angry & behave the way he behaves when he gets angry.

This is what I would expect from a 2 year old child or a narcissistic adult.

GiveMeThatAnon wrote: »

If we didn't have a child I'd have no doubts & just leave, because I am well able to work & take care of myself, but now my child is my number 1 priority & I don't feel it would be fair on the child for me to start working full time just to be able to afford childcare once we separate.

It wouldn't be a good idea to leave the family home if you both own it. If he's not willing to discuss separation go to a family law solicitor and see what your position is. It might be a good idea to do this anyway because it sounds like your OH isn't always honest.

GiveMeThatAnon wrote: »

Today, the woman in question came in to use our bathroom while me & my child were upstairs playing. I got a notice from my husband, though, that she will be coming in to pee for just a second before they go off for their run (there is a group of people, not just the two of them). But I felt this was highly inappropriate, but said nothing.. What can I say? I couldn't say anything to him at the time anyway as our child was right there with me & I wouldn't like him to see us fight.

Thanks again guys for listening

He's really rubbing your nose in it, isn't he? It's not her fault because he has probably spun her a story that you're the one whose completely at fault and he's stuck in a loveless marriage.

If you value yourself and the future self-esteem of your child get advice about separation. Maybe he's unwilling to leave you because he might be the one who has to leave the family home in the event of a separation. You say things haven't been good for the last four years, what's to say he hasn't been flirting with other women in this period of time and the current women is only his latest fling.

nikkibikki

GiveMeThatAnon wrote:

I don't know if there is anything to save, that's the thing.. That's why I told him last night that he can go off if that's what he wants, but me & the child do need financial support, because we've nowhere to go & no-one to turn to. I know, there is nothing to save in this relationship.. But he said that he was sorry and he messed up & he wants to work on our relationship. And then he is just just back to the same thing again.. I am sorry if I am repeating myself. But I feel that all we have in common now at this stage is our child & I can't imagine how he would feel if we were to leave his daddy & live somewhere else.

What do YOU want? For now, forget about what he wants and figure out what you want. It looks like things would have to change drastically for things to work out. Just say you've 2hours housework to do, if he helps you, it only takes an hour and ye have an hour to spend together.

GiveMeThatAnon wrote:

I should also add that he has very bad mood swings, and what I would call anger issues, though he would tell me that I should stop 'nagging' or annoying him if I don't want him to get angry & behave the way he behaves when he gets angry.

His anger is not your fault. He is a grown adult and is responsible for his own actions.

GiveMeThatAnon wrote:

If we didn't have a child I'd have no doubts & just leave, because I am well able to work & take care of myself, but now my child is my number 1 priority & I don't feel it would be fair on the child for me to start working full time just to be able to afford childcare once we separate.

Staying together for the sake of children is not a good idea for all involved.

arayess

i disagree with faiths analysis although it's well thought out.

having been in a relationship that failed with a child involved I (and others I know) tolerated a lot of crap to keep things together "for the sake of the child"

I know what the OP is saying when she says about not wanting change so as not to disrupt the childs life for the worse.
I know that pull of stability and the fact that I tolerated a lot more than I ever would if the kid wasn't there...

I do believe the OP is wrong in her view..the child will do fine in childcare and she will do fine in a job earning her own money and the esstem that will bring.
Her husband will be obliged to contribute so that will be most likely a few hundred euro a month...i used to pay 300 and I had my son 3 1/2 days a week.
she may get more which will help financially plus the parents allowance.

OP it was the most liberating thing I ever did.
If you aren't happy , go live your life...

professore

He sounds like an ass if he's online in the evenings. However it already sounds like he gave up gaming at your request. The thing with the other woman is a complete deal breaker and shows massive lack of respect. In fact I believe mutual respect is essential for a healthy marriage.

Could I ask if you work outside the home, or are you at home all day? If you are at home then it's not really fair to expect him to do lots of work when he comes home. If you both work then that's another matter.

It sounds to me like you are more like his mammy than his wife, and he acts like your son. One thing is for certain, he is not sexually attracted to you. Maybe he has a Madonna/whore complex. Is he catholic?

The part about him saying you never listen is probably true though - this is a very common complaint of husbands who have small children. Could he use the same excuse about his job - that it absorbs so much of his attention he has no time to listen to you? I'm not blaming you, but it's something a lot of wives say as if it's somehow OK or justifiable to have a clean house and warm dinner it's OK to be unavailable emotionally or sexually. It isn't. It's highly damaging to a marriage. In fact if you have to choose, choose a hug or a listening ear over a hot dinner.

However he seems to have checked out years ago.

Starokan

I would think its time to call it a day on this relationship, he seems disinterested and has already begun to look elsewhere, you don't seem overly concerned.

Sit, talk, figure out how to split amicably, sort the financial side and obviously do everything to ensure your child sees as much of both of you as is possible

Then hopefully you both ultimately find new partners that make you both happy. This just sounds like an ok friendship , time to end it

LegacyUser

Thanks so much all for your replies.

The last few days were all-consuming, the decision to separate is not as easy as it might seem- we are basically to decide the fate of our child, as well as our own.

I spoke to the husband & honestly told him that there is nothing there to save & that we should remain on good terms, but go our separate ways. We have nothing in common any more, our realities are very different. He told me I am used to giving up & don't ever want to work on working things out. Which is certainly not true, I must have been hoping to work things out if I am still with him after so many years of nothing-ness, even though I am a young attractive healthy woman, who like everyone else needs to be loved, respected & needs to have a healthy sex life.

So he proposed we give it another shot & try to work everything out. I gave in, I do want everything to be ok & I do want to be happy with my child's daddy, rather than happy with anyone else. So I asked him if he can do the following:

- He is to move into my bedroom & sleep there at night, but without phone/tablet/ etc. Obviously, he an spend the evening watching videos/ whatever it it that winds him down after work, so it's not like he has to go to bed at the same time as me, which is early.
- He is not to spend time on Facebook for the 1 or 2 hours every day that he spend with our child
- We are to have sex at least once a week
- He is not to be on his phone/ Facebook/ Skype while he is driving & our child is in with him
- We are to try & spend at least a few minutes every day with me, just the two of us chatting etc
- Mainly, he is to stop any contact with the woman in question.

There was no talk of him helping out with the chores, I feel this is important but it is something I can live with, unlike the sex & Facebook issues.

So he agreed and seemed enthusiastic to start all over again & work on our relationship, but I found it strange that he didn't say that I should start doing anything differently, surely there must be things that he finds annoying about me?

Anyways, so one day later after all was seemingly well & he cut contact with the lady (he told me he rang her & told her I found their friendship inappropriate & she agreed that he should do whatever is in the interests of saving his family). After one day, he decides to speak with me again & tell me that if there is no trust in our relationship & I forbade him to be friends with one person now, I will in a few years' time will forbid him to be friends with someone else, then someone else & so on. Basically, that I will always try to control him & who he is friends with, not trusting him.
At the same time, he realises that this woman is the first person ever (we are together many years) with whom I asked him to cut contact, and that my request is completely justifiable, as the things he was saying to her definitely were highly inappropriate & he apparently feels very guilty about saying some of the things to her. But again, he insists that she is just a very special friend with whom he has a lot in common.

What he now suggests we do is try to re-build our relationship, and follow the above conditions (Facebook, sex, etc) but he will be in contact with this woman & I should trust him that it will be innocent as his intentions are innocent & she is just a very interesting friend.

My mind is blurred again, I can't understand: is he for real? Surely, he is being completely unreasonable? Why should I trust him to continue his friendship with this woman if I simply don't and there is evindence to support my mistrust? How can he judge about my control over him & the people he makes friends with in future, if so far this woman is the only person I am so determined to get rid of?

I showed him this thread to try & get through to him, not to hurt him, but because he is so much stronger than me emotionally & somehow always convinces me that I made everything up, that sex is for procreation, and puts me to shame for even talking about our lack of sex life,,, that I am over- reacting to everything & that I am basically an unstable human being who cannot be trusted to make any decisions whatsoever.

This thread helped us both to put things into perspective, thanks again all who replied and offered such helpful advice.

silverbolt

Ask yourself three things

1. Can it be saved?
2. Is it worth saving?
3. Do YOU want to save it?

Dont stay for the sake of the child, thats not fair on any of you.

Taltos

Mod note
Hi OP
Since your OH posted here (which I've removed) I'm closing this thread as while we are here to give advice or a shoulder, we can't be the channel that a couple in crisis use to communicate to each other.

I hope you find a way forward. If you need the thread re-opened we'll review/reconsider but generally once a partner or ex-partner starts posting we find it best to encourage them to continue that communication offline instead of through this medium.