Gutted over chance gone

LegacyUser

Hi. I'm really confused about a girl I like. I think that the admiration isn't mutual but I find it hard to accept. Basically I was in Paris during the week. I looked up a girl I briefly met before while travelling. I had a huge crush on her and kept in touch by email. I always felt I was the one that kept up the contact. But I failed to see the wood through the trees and followed my dream of pursuing her.

Anyway we met in Paris the other day after a couple texts (which included a couple of xx). So I thought this was great. To my delight and surprise we went for a few drinks and a meal. I felt I did my best to impress but I don't think it was enough. At the end of the evening after walking around Paris, she asked me what are your plans now. I lamely said I'll think I'll head back to my hotel . She said she was going to go home. I regret not saying would you like to go for another drink.

I later texted her saying I had a lovely time. I also said to her, I meant to ask you where you single or do you have a boyfriend, adding, if you don't see me like that, that's cool. She never responded. I texted next day saying sorry for being forward. And asking some question about Paris. She responded with just an answer to the question about Paris, ignoring my boyfriend question

Then on the day I was leaving Paris, I texted her asking her would she like to hang out. She said she'd other plans. That was it

I'm totally gutted. I always felt if given an opportunity one to one with this girl I would impress her enough to lead to some romance. Now I feel like an idiot and painfully empty

Looking back it's hard to accept it, but she was a little curt, wasn't too open with her body language, though did flirt a little. Her final embrace to me was a one armed effort. Also she said my name only once all night

A couple of questions that I'd like advice with.....


1) is it not cool to text a girl 'are you single etc'?
2) is it possible my pursuing freaked her out?
3) should I give up on her
4) is there a chance perhaps she wanted more out if that night, but instead I went home?

Thanks. I know it seems trivial, but thia consuming me

That_Guy

DaterParis wrote: »

Anyway we met in Paris the other day after a couple texts (which included a couple of xx). So I thought this was great.

xx's at the end of a message mean absolutely nothing I'm afraid. I've plenty of female friends who out of habit just put it there at the end of messages.

I wouldn't read anything into xx's tbh.

1) is it not cool to text a girl 'are you single etc'?

I guess it depends on the girl in all honesty. I've done it before and I've either gotten a direct 'no' or 'yes but I am not looking for anything right now' type of texts back.

2) is it possible my pursuing freaked her out?

It depends on the level of pursuing you did. If you kept on asking her if she was single or made her feel uncomfortable about answering the question then yeah she might have been a bit freaked out.

But it's also possible that she's just blatantly ignoring the question because she isn't interested in you in that way.

3) should I give up on her

I would say yes. Chalk it up to experience and move on. If you continue to pursue her she will get freaked out as per your second question and you'll not hear from her again.

4) is there a chance perhaps she wanted more out if that night, but instead I went home?

It's hard to say really. Obviously when you mentioned you were going back to your hotel you were hoping that she'd go back with you. She may have wanted another drink but you never asked her so unfortunately you'll never know.

Thanks. I know it seems trivial, but thia consuming me

I'm gonna guess that you're pretty young and tbh, we've all been there. Found someone they liked, thought things would work out but never materialised into more. Nothing more than a brief encounter.

Like I say, just put it down to life experience and move on. If I were in your shoes, and this is easier said than done by the way, I'd cut all contact with her. It'll only annoy you further down the line.

Johnnyhpipe

You're reading far too much into all of this. It simply didn't work out and wasn't meant to be.

Hurts, i know, but leave it at that and move on. If she was interested at all then you would certainly know about it.

LegacyUser

DaterParis wrote: »

a girl I briefly met.... my dream of pursuing her.

I'm totally gutted

I feel like an idiot and painfully empty

it's hard to accept it,
thia consuming me

You are way, way over-invested in nothing at all. You met briefly and you built up a romantic fiction in your head that turned out not to have legs. That's it, that's all that happened and there are barely grounds for mild disappointment, never mind feeling gutted or painfully empty.

DaterParis wrote: »

but she was a little curt, wasn't too open with her body language, though did flirt a little. Her final embrace to me was a one armed effort. Also she said my name only once all night

You are trying very hard to read into these things and lay some blame on her for not playing a part in the script you'd written without her knowledge, never mind her willing participation. Personally, it sounds to me like she was wondering what she was doing there.

You really need to get some perspective on this and just walk it off.

zoobizoo

Impress?

You use that word a lot.

It's not really about impressing someone, it's whether or not they like you.

Based on her reaction, there was nothing yuo could do to make her like you like that. . .

DaterParis wrote: »

1) is it not cool to text a girl 'are you single etc'?
2) is it possible my pursuing freaked her out?
3) should I give up on her
4) is there a chance perhaps she wanted more out if that night, but instead I went home?

1. Not like that... . what you're saying is "are you single because if not we should be together"
2. I'm sure it's not freaking her out but she might find it all a bit heavy... as in, here's this guy I used to know and now I've met him for a drink and he thinks there's somethign more going on.
3. Yes.
4. No

Did you meet her while travelling - as in, is she French?

woodchuck

You're overthinking this way too much. For what it's worth, it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. She's just not that into you. Could be the distance, or it could be anything else. I think you just need to accept it and move on.

SB_Part2

DaterParis wrote: »

Also she said my name only once all night

A couple of questions that I'd like advice with.....


1) is it not cool to text a girl 'are you single etc'?
2) is it possible my pursuing freaked her out?
3) should I give up on her
4) is there a chance perhaps she wanted more out if that night, but instead I went home?

Thanks. I know it seems trivial, but thia consuming me

What does saying your name have to do with anything? I agree with what others have said. You seem way to invested in this and she isn't. Sucks but you'll get over it in time.

1. It's a little brass.
2. No, if she was interested in you she wouldn't mind.
3. Yes.
4. Probably. But the fact that she didn't answer your boyfriend question speaks volumes. If she had one she'd say so.

intheclouds

The saying your name thing reminds me of a friend of mine who always over analyses conversations, sentences, reads meanings where there are none and misses clear signals.

If you like someone then ask them out, ask them if they are single, ask them whatever you like!

If you dont get a positive response its not because you didnt impress them, its because theyre just not into you.

Dont be obsessing over silly things like how many times someone says your name.

zoobizoo

DaterParis wrote: »

Also she said my name only once all night

That means nothing...

My wife uses my name once a week possibly and I only use hers when I need her full attention.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your feedback. Also thanks for being straightforward

I suppose the truth is, I've been besotted with this girl for a while. I couldn't believe when she agreed to meet up. I find the rejection hard to take

I also regret not asking her to go for another drink. One certain she would have made her excuses

I also think that my question to her about whether she was single was direct, but not intruding. I don't understand why she just doesn't be direct back and say I'm not interested.

If she did I wouldn't think twice of contacting her anymore. Saying that, I think I'll give her peace and no longer contact her. As someone said, if she was interested in sure she would have given me firm signs

Thanks again folks

njs030

One thing I've always found worked for me is to remember if someone likes you they'll make sure you know.

She wasn't interested Op, very few people are straightforward enough to say that,most seem to think it's less hurtful to be vague.
Learn from it and move on!

Shelga

It's hard to say to someone you're not interested. Easier to just dodge the issue, like she has done. You're thinking about this way more than her.

She's definitely not interested, and texting 3 times in a row without a response is such a turn off. Take the hint!

Sorry it didn't work out but plenty of others out there, don't waste energy on this small incident.

LegacyUser

Daterparis wrote: »

I don't understand why she just doesn't be direct back and say I'm not interested.

There is no reason why she should be direct with you. Polite, considerate up to a point, fair, but that's all. Your expectation that she should behave in a way that suits you is based on your one-sided construction of a fantasy and she doesn't owe it to you to play along with that. She has said as much as you're entitled to expect from her and rather than blaming her perceived lack of directness, maybe focus more on the fact that you let you imagination run away with you and create that expectation out of nothing.

OnTheCouch

Daterparis wrote: »

Thanks all for your feedback. Also thanks for being straightforward


I also think that my question to her about whether she was single was direct, but not intruding. I don't understand why she just doesn't be direct back and say I'm not interested.

I think many people, especially if they are not emotionally invested in someone, are always worried that a harsh and blunt answer may tip the spurned person over the edge causing them to do something crazy. We have all heard the stories about crazed ex lovers' rages and crushes that were not reciprocated turning into violence or worse.

Even though there is precious little chance that anything like that would happen to most people, we are always wary of being unnecessarily rude to others. Plus most individuals for all their myriad faults, are conditioned from when they are pretty young to not to be spiteful and hurt others, unless someone is really asking for it.

I think her giving you a one arm embrace is more significant that her only using your name once all night. The hug with one arm is fairly telling as it signifies she doesn't want to get close to you, whether that be through not liking your personality or simply not knowing you well enough to feel comfortable using both arms. Body language generally tells you a lot.

She also rejected you completely on your last day. I spoke in another post about how girls behave. If they really like you and you are number one on their interest list, they'll cancel pretty much any arrangement to meet up with you.

If they like you, but aren't really sure about you for whatever reason, or perhaps have other options that they are placing more hope in, they'll probably be a little vague in their reply. They may often offer an alternative that is more favourable to them or postpone a meet up to a later date, which gives them more time for whatever they need to mull over. Or they may meet you, but they'll deliberately make it quite short.

The third option is unfortunately where you find yourself. Where she says no outright. And sadly this means what you can probably guess, that she essentially has no interest.

I wouldn't feel too depressed, even though that's easy to say here. Put it down to a lesson learnt and don't waste time with those that aren't interested in you in the future, as it will only wreck your head one way or another.

I wish you the best of luck

njs030

OnTheCouch wrote: »

She also rejected you completely on your last day. I spoke in another post about how girls behave. If they really like you and you are number one on their interest list, they'll cancel pretty much any arrangement to meet up with you.

Please don't generalise, there is no such thing as "how girls behave" we are all individuals with our own minds.
I agree shes not interested but there is many reasons people aren't available to meet and can't be cancelled.

OnTheCouch

notjustsweet wrote: »

OnTheCouch wrote: »

She also rejected you completely on your last day. I spoke in another post about how girls behave. If they really like you and you are number one on their interest list, they'll cancel pretty much any arrangement to meet up with you.

Please don't generalise, there is no such thing as "how girls behave" we are all individuals with our own minds.
I agree shes not interested but there is many reasons people aren't available to meet and can't be cancelled.

Sorry I should have been more careful what I wrote. I didn't intend it to be a sweeping statement which encapsulated all women, just a more likely outcome after having experienced many of these situations over the year. 'On the balance of probabilities' I probably should have said. Naturally enough there are always exceptions to the rule.