What do I do here?

LegacyUser

I have these friends, X and Y, who I've been friends with for about ten years now. I have always been closer with X but a few years ago we fell out while I was battling depression and even though we made up, I still can't let go of how she treated me. Y is going through a depression now and X is treating her the same way. I am getting all the texts from Y saying what's up, why is X treating her like this, and then X is texting me about Y saying different things. I am sick of being in the middle. If I'm honest, I just have lost a bit of respect for X because we (myself and Y) find that it's very hard to be honest with her, if we do have a problem, we can't say it to her as she'll just turn it around and make it out to be us that is the problem. I understand that everyone has their own quirks and all.. But this girl X thinks she hasn't done anything wrong.

Again, being honest, I've stopped replying to her all the time because well she does the same thing and sees no problem with it.. N I've stopped asking to meet up because my texts are just ignored and replied to hours later saying ah i can't etc etc..
But now she's asking me why I'm not texting and that I'm not acting like myself and again I find myself looking for an excuse as if I'm honest she will just turn it around. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but it's very hard to be myself with her when I am wary of what to say to her..

I know I should stay out of it, but Y is really suffering that X is treating her badly and not even knowing why.. N X can't see it.. Y has tried to organise with X to meet up but X doesn't respond..

What do you think I should do? Do I confront X and tell her how I'm really feeling, or just push it aside as she won't change?

nikkibikki

friendship help wrote:

What do you think I should do? Do I confront X and tell her how I'm really feeling, or just push it aside as she won't change?

Tbh, she doesn't sound like a great friend at the moment. I would want to call her out on her behaviour and explain how it effects you and Y. She def won't change if nobody tells her. She may change if someone does.

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. Yes I myself was in a similar situation a few years ago I was friends with a guy <SNIP> and he kept making up stories. Everytime we met up he always had a problem. One time he told me that his mother used to beat him up and that she got a restraining order against all his friends even though it wasnt true and then another time he told me that when he was in his final year of school the teacher abused him and that the teacher ruined his life and that he was seeking revenge on him. I just told to shut up and to stop talking rubbish and that he was only making it up so then I decided that I didnt want to be friends with him anymore and I cut contact with him and I havent spoken to him since and that was four years ago. My advice to you is just to cut contact with her and tell her that you dont want to be friends with her anymore and then just have nothing to do with her and just get on with your life.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe it's time to take a step back and ask yourself why you're friends with X these days. Take the 10 years out of it. What does she bring to the table in 2016? Are you friends just for the sake of having someone to hang around with or is she usually very nice and a good, selfless person you can rely on? From what you've written about her, she doesn't sound like a particularly nice person. At best, she doesn't know anything about depression and is handling it in a very insensitive, ignorant way. There are people out there who don't understand what depression is and think it's a fad or something that someone can snap out of just like that. At worst, she's self-centred, shallow and not a person who brings something good into your lives.

If it was me, I would call her out on it and see how she reacts. If she tries to turn it back on ye again, I'd be questioning why you're friends with her. Really, if she confirms to you that she's a cow, why would you want someone like that in your life?

lifeandtimes

Sorry you were going through a tough time and so is your friend but you aren't really explaining what x is doing?

She could just be trying to deal with her two friends who have/had depression in her own way.

You mention that you can't be honest with her because if you be open she turns it around? What is she turning around? Ots quite possible that you are expecting something from her that she can't or shouldon't have to give and then blame her when she's doesn't and she rightly so try to defend herself.

Again without details its too hard to confirm.

Having depression is hard and not everyone can deal with having friends who have it the right way,through klno fault of their own,they just don't know and may think like other illnesses that if they give you space and time youll get past it.

Best thing to do is talk to her as most people will tell you,10 years is a long time for a friend's to be thrown away

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies. Basically, if we ask her why we haven't heard from her in a while (try week or two), she will get angry and say she's been busy and at one time, called me needy (I don't see how it's needy at all asking after your friend when you haven't heard from them in two weeks). But then, like last week, she is getting annoyed that I'm not replying to her texts all the time now. It's because I used to text all the time, and now that I'm not giving her that attention, she is saying I'm acting different, I'm not being there for her, yet she has no problem just not replying to me.

I have tried over numerous occasions over the last while to meet up, but as I mentioned, the texts are read, then replied to hours later saying she can't. So I've stopped asking. But again, she is wondering why I haven't been making an effort and it seems like I'm not bothered.. BUT then, I asked her to meet up to chat and again, my text was read and I haven't heard back..

I cannot wait around for someone who doesn't make the effort to keep the friendship alive. I am just sick of her thinking she can act how she wants and that it doesn't affect anyone.

As I said, I don't want to lose her as a friend, I am not the type of person to just start ignoring someone, especially someone who I love very much, but I just don't think she is treating me or Y fairly.

Augme

ophere wrote: »

Thanks for your replies. Basically, if we ask her why we haven't heard from her in a while (try week or two), she will get angry and say she's been busy and at one time, called me needy (I don't see how it's needy at all asking after your friend when you haven't heard from them in two weeks). But then, like last week, she is getting annoyed that I'm not replying to her texts all the time now. It's because I used to text all the time, and now that I'm not giving her that attention, she is saying I'm acting different, I'm not being there for her, yet she has no problem just not replying to me.

I have tried over numerous occasions over the last while to meet up, but as I mentioned, the texts are read, then replied to hours later saying she can't. So I've stopped asking. But again, she is wondering why I haven't been making an effort and it seems like I'm not bothered.. BUT then, I asked her to meet up to chat and again, my text was read and I haven't heard back..

I cannot wait around for someone who doesn't make the effort to keep the friendship alive. I am just sick of her thinking she can act how she wants and that it doesn't affect anyone.

As I said, I don't want to lose her as a friend, I am not the type of person to just start ignoring someone, especially someone who I love very much, but I just don't think she is treating me or Y fairly.

Why not? She sounds like a **** friend. You need to ask yourself why it's so important to keep someone in your life who doesn't really seem to care about you.

LegacyUser

Augme wrote: »

Why not? She sounds like a **** friend. You need to ask yourself why it's so important to keep someone in your life who doesn't really seem to care about you.

You're right.. It's like someone said if it was a romantic relationship, you have to think the same thing, n like a romantic relationship, you hope this person that you care about deeply will see how they're hurtin you and change, but it won't and they won't. I will be sad but I am trying so hard to take care of myself mentally and this friendship isn't a positive thing.

Ursus Horribilis

Would I be right if I said you don't have many other friends? Perhaps you're clinging onto this friendship because you'll have nobody if you let this one fizzle out.

LegacyUser

Odus fell down wrote: »

Would I be right if I said you don't have many other friends? Perhaps you're clinging onto this friendship because you'll have nobody if you let this one fizzle out.

Yes and I am working on that! I am heading to a meetup tonight!

nikkibikki

Tell her she's now being needy. She sounds completely self absorbed.

friendship help

friendship help wrote: »

Y is really suffering that X is treating her badly and not even knowing why...

I agree with the others, she sounds far too self-centred for my taste but just on this issue ... why don't you explain to Y that you went through something similar with X years ago and that's just the way she is. It could mean a lot to Y at this point in time to know that it's not about her, it's about X.