Male who cant accept compliments about how he looks

LegacyUser

I know this post is going to sound so conceited and self centered but it is a real problem for me and I really want to get advice on what I should do. Apologies if it is a bit long.

For as long as I can remember I have never considered myself good looking. In fact I would have always considered myself pretty ugly. Big ears, nose, wide mouth etc. Used to get the usually slagging from friends when I was a kid. Nothing malicious in it but that was just the way it was.

I obviously sub consciously took the comments to heart as I was not a confidant teenager at all, though I had girlfriends I never really enjoyed any relationships because I always thought they were with me out of pity. Sounds crazy but that was how I felt.

My 20’s where good. I got more confidant and outgoing, had girlfriends and lots of mates and life was good. I even went to Australia for a year. Still never felt confidant in my looks but pushed it into the back of my head and enjoyed life. I became the funny guy that was always there to give advice to my friends.

When I hit 28 I finally came out. Met a lovely guy and moved in after a couple of years and have had a great life. I love him to bits. I started to go to the gym in my 30’s. Got bigger, made more friends. Life was great. I still hated getting my photo taken and was always comparing myself to other guys when I was out at social occasions. Even though I was with a guy I loved I still felt horrible for not looking like everybody else. I don’t know why I was doing this as I was with somebody who wanted to be with me and in all other aspects of my life with him I was so happy.

This is where its gets a bit weird. In the last few years I have been getting a LOT of attention when I go out with my mates (both gay and straight) but I don’t understand it as myface is the same, though I have shaved my head.

It actually annoys me. I know this sounds so big headed but anytime I go out I have people come up to me to tell me I am really good looking and the “Pity you are gay” line. I know a normal person would lap up the compliments probably but it just keeps reinforcing that I have a problem as I do not see what other people see AT ALL. I think I have a really body image problem and I think I need to do something about it as it is getting to the stage where I don’t enjoy going out anymore.

I probably am not explaining myself properly but I hope you get the gist of where I am coming from and I would really appreciate any feedback.

Thanks for reading this.

Jimmy Bottlehead

When someone compliments you, what's your usual response?

baby and crumble

TBH Op I know where you're coming from. I'm the same. I can't believe anyone finds me attractive, and I'm engaged! I think when you're gay too there's a lot of stuff you take in an as teenager about it being wrong that when we do eventually come out all that is still there.

Nobody tells someone they're gorgeous without meaning it- at least not randomers in pubs and clubs that don't stand to get something out of it. So just try and say "thank you" and believe it.

Glitter

Some people really do grow into their looks. Especially men.

And some people look really amazing with their heads shaved. Maybe it totally changes the shape of your face / dynamic of your features.

Either way, I agree with the poster above, no one's going to give you compliments like that when they don't stand to gain anything if they don't mean them. So try to be gracious about it. And be gracious to yourself!

LegacyUser

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

When someone compliments you, what's your usual response?

I always say "Thanks very much" but I usually follow it up with something self deprecating like "I left my hump and bell at home tonight"

Story Bud?

Firstly I'll answer the "why is this happening now?" question.

Because you're happy. Simple. People find happy attractive. You also mention that people say "pity you're gay", so there would definitely be a relaxed attitude with women who feel that can compliment you without you immediately thinking they're up for more.

Secondly, on accepting compliments. I have been through all the things you talk of (apart from coming out ). I have serious body image issues and have done all of my life. I get a lot of compliments and have done probably since my mid twenties. I used to not know how to take them and be frustrated at myself and at people for drawing attention to me.

Now, I always just smile and say thank you - and I mean it too.

You may need to talk to someone about your body image issues, it's not something I have ever had the courage to do, but what I have done is realised I'm not the sum of my looks. I smile a lot and am very nice to people, I think that's why I get compliments and so I take it as a nice reflection of my personality, that I come across as a friendly open person who people want to say nice things to.

Perhaps you should consider that, that people are attracted to more than just your looks, that your personality and happiness is coming out and people are drawn to it. Maybe change the way you are looking at the compliments, and at yourself - and - ironically - take that as a compliment that you're a good guy.

Sorry that my reply is a bit scattered, I typed as I thought :P

LegacyUser

baby and crumble wrote: »

TBH Op I know where you're coming from. I'm the same. I can't believe anyone finds me attractive, and I'm engaged! I think when you're gay too there's a lot of stuff you take in an as teenager about it being wrong that when we do eventually come out all that is still there.

Nobody tells someone they're gorgeous without meaning it- at least not randomers in pubs and clubs that don't stand to get something out of it. So just try and say "thank you" and believe it.

Yeah I reckon you are right about the gay thing. Its obviously in the mix there with my body image issues and it has all got confusing. For instance one night a few weeks ago I was outside a bar (closing time) with my mates having a chat. A couple walked by (not sure if they were married or just going out). Anyway the woman came up to me and said "Bloody hell you are gorgeous". Her partner looked at me as if he was going to punch me so I just mumbled something about being gay and her fella looking good.

My mates turned to me and said "For f*cks sake why doesnt some woman come up to me and say that". I should take the compliment and be happy but I just go "Oh ffs sake her we go again" Im really not good at taking compliments am I

LegacyUser

Story Bud? wrote: »

Firstly I'll answer the "why is this happening now?" question.

Because you're happy. Simple. People find happy attractive. You also mention that people say "pity you're gay", so there would definitely be a relaxed attitude with women who feel that can compliment you without you immediately thinking they're up for more.

Secondly, on accepting compliments. I have been through all the things you talk of (apart from coming out ). I have serious body image issues and have done all of my life. I get a lot of compliments and have done probably since my mid twenties. I used to not know how to take them and be frustrated at myself and at people for drawing attention to me.

Now, I always just smile and say thank you - and I mean it too.


You may need to talk to someone about your body image issues, it's not something I have ever had the courage to do, but what I have done is realised I'm not the sum of my looks. I smile a lot and am very nice to people, I think that's why I get compliments and so I take it as a nice reflection of my personality, that I come across as a friendly open person who people want to say nice things to.

Perhaps you should consider that, that people are attracted to more than just your looks, that your personality and happiness is coming out and people are drawn to it. Maybe change the way you are looking at the compliments, and at yourself - and - ironically - take that as a compliment that you're a good guy.

Sorry that my reply is a bit scattered, I typed as I thought :P

"Thanks for the response. It is definitely something I need to do. Just accept the compliment and be nice to the person who said it rather than coming back with a smartish comment to deflect"

I know I smile a lot. Im generally a very happy person who loves a laugh despite what I say about acepting compliments. I am very self deprecating by nature but I think that is a pretty irish thing anyway.

I was on holiday last week in Spain and people kept coming up to me and speaking to me in Spanish and look confused when I would reply in English. I would say "Irlanda" and they would say "No, you look Spanish". It was actually pretty funny.

I was considering seeing a councellor but one side of my brain is saying "Looks are not the be all and end all of your life" which considering my age is very true but at the same time I think I need to take a different approach to how I feel about myself so it might do me some good to talk to a profession.

Thanks again for the reply.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Bodyimage issue wrote: »

"Thanks for the response. It is definitely something I need to do. Just accept the compliment and be nice to the person who said it rather than coming back with a smartish comment to deflect"

I know I smile a lot. Im generally a very happy person who loves a laugh despite what I say about acepting compliments. I am very self deprecating by nature but I think that is a pretty irish thing anyway.

I was on holiday last week in Spain and people kept coming up to me and speaking to me in Spanish and look confused when I would reply in English. I would say "Irlanda" and they would say "No, you look Spanish". It was actually pretty funny.

I was considering seeing a councellor but one side of my brain is saying "Looks are not the be all and end all of your life" which considering my age is very true but at the same time I think I need to take a different approach to how I feel about myself so it might do me some good to talk to a profession.

Thanks again for the reply.

It just sounds like you're stuck in a mental rut when it comes to your looks, buddy. Total ugly duckling syndrome. Been there, done that.

For now, just accept compliments and thank the person giving it. Also, try to acknowledge that people aren't bull****ting you. You're clearly an attractive guy, so don't shy away from it.

This is worth a read too: http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/07/15/how-to-accept-a-compliment-with-class/

I would recommend considering talking to a professional about it. It's not a big issue, but it'll feel good to comfortably accept compliments and realise your own self-worth.

ongarboy

I think some of it is down to your body image issues but there's also a particularly Irish trait where we find it harder to accept compliments than other nationalities. A girl might be told her dress is fabulous and she responds "This old thing?" or when told we're good looking, we tend to instantly self deprecate instead of graciously accepting the compliment.

It's true what the other poster said also about some people, particularly men, do tend to get better looking in their 30s/40s than what they looked like in their so called peak early 20s years. I hit the 40 mark recently and can tell you that more strangers come up to me to compliment me on my looks nowadays then they ever did when I was in my 20s. I also shaved my head and grew a beard so can see that I look better without thinking I'm great looking and do cringe at some photos of me from 10 or more years ago. Like you, I'm gay and also long term partnered so am sorted that way but while the compliments are nice, I still feel a little awkward receiving them and do get passes made at me which can be flattering but sometimes not so much if they are a bit too full on. I would have loved such attention when I was in my single 20s but that didn't happen!:) Unwanted passes or OTT attention is probably the only drawback for me these days but not so much a nuisance that I feel like I can't go out and socialise. Personally, I think one of the reasons I may come across outwardly more attractive is that I'm a lot more at ease with myself, content and confident than when I was younger and this more than anything probably emanates from me rather than how I look. I smile more often and more naturally, I can easily make and hold eye contact, and am more comfortable in social situations. This draws people in and to engage with you.

It seems you have all of this already but there is still a significant issue if you feel like considering you can't go out and socialise for fear of being paid such compliments. This is where I would suggest one or two (or maybe more) visits to a professional who can help you explore and resolve the underlying issues causing this.

Barna77

I can relate to the OP here.

I'm awful taking compliments, I just don't know how to react. They make me feel uncomfortable.

Body issues since I was a teenager then I lost a ton of weight in my mid 30s, get a nice hair cut (yeah long hair didn't suit me then anymore ) and suddenly all I hear is oh you're so good looking, so handsome, ... and my reaction would be what the hell are they talking about. Self deprecating is pretty much my middle name.

I've been doing counselling for a while and I've mentioned this many times. Counsellor says one just has to thank the person who's complimented you, and easy as. I'm getting better at that, but it's still tricky.

Now, on gayland, oh gayland... I'll talk about my experience on the so called cough dating cough apps , or online dating. It's funny when a guy , after just seeing a face pic, they tell you you're so hot. Granted they are just trying to get their bit, but come on haha Unless when it's someone form the other side of the world, that there are no expectations of ever meeting up.
Some months ago I had a little drunk discussion with this girl who was giving out about why all gay men are so good looking - here we go again. I pretty much told her to get her eyes tested ha :pac:

LegacyUser

Thanks again to everybody who replied. I really appreciate it. As luck would have it I was on Dame Street the other day to meet a friend for a coffee. I was a bit early so I sat down on the concrete seats there opposite the Olympia.

I was just checking emails on my phone when guy came over to me and said that he had seen me in the George before (I only there very rarely, about once every 2 months). Anyway he said he thought I was hot and complimented me on the shirt and jeans I was wearing.

I took a minute and took on board what had been said here and I said "Thanks very much, I really appreciate that". Then I realised that it took a lot of guts for a guy to come up to me out in the street and say what he did. I asked him if he wanted to sit down and we had a good conversation. It ended up with him asking me out on a date which I had to politely refuse but it felt good and for once I actually took the compliment for what it was and didnt get all stressed about it.

Thanks again everybody.