How to help an elderly mother beat loneliness

LegacyUser

Hi,


My mother is severely down of late due to loneliness. She's in her early 60s, separated about 15 yrs back. She spends most days in the house until about 6pm where she has a small job for 1.5 hours. She's at a stage were she is very down and can't get out of it.

Myself and my other sibling try to make more of an effort to call up to her an invite her over for dinner but given we both have busy jobs which often sees us in the office until 7pm, it's really only the weekends we can call over to her , also she doesn't get out of her work until 7:30 or so anyways so that rules out most evenings to have her over. I tried to call over to her during the weekend when I can and so does my sibling, but obviously this is not the solution.

She wants to have an outlet other than her children, which i understand totally, she has only 1 friend who doesn't see much of and her sisters are busy with families ...etc.

She thinks a dating site might be her solution, but i'm not sure, I think she should focus on trying to get an interest of some sort that gets her out of the house and mixing with ppl but all my suggestions get shot down ...volunteering, walking club.

any suggestions on what i could do? I'm concerned the loneliness can be a silent killer and I want her to have some sort of life.

LegacyUser

I'd say a dating site could indeed be the answer for her, but more importantly, help her find an outlet she wants instead of vetoing her ideas and offering what you imagine should be appropriate for her. If she wants to try online dating, more power to her, stop holding her back. For that matter, if she fancies swinging, kung fu, hang gliding or becoming a graffiti artist, let her at it.

zoobizoo

Bridge.....

My folks play bridge 2 or 3 times a week.

Very sociable.

Dial Hard

concernedson wrote: »

My mother is severely down of late due to loneliness. She's in her early 60s, separated about 15 yrs back. She spends most days in the house until about 6pm where she has a small job for 1.5 hours. She's at a stage were she is very down and can't get out of it.

Jaysis, my mother is in her late 60s and would be disgusted if I referred to her as elderly!

Anyway, you're dead right in saying that she needs some kind of hobby or interest. My mother has a better social life than I do, mostly due to golf, which she took up a few years ago, having never had any interest in it before. She was lady captain three years ago and is club president this year and this is a woman who didn't even want to go on the social committee when she was first asked as she didn't want people to think she was looking for attention!

Whereabouts in Ireland does your mum live?

daisybelle2008

concernedson wrote: »

She thinks a dating site might be her solution, but i'm not sure, I think she should focus on trying to get an interest of some sort that gets her out of the house and mixing with ppl but all my suggestions get shot down ...volunteering, walking club.

any suggestions on what i could do? I'm concerned the loneliness can be a silent killer and I want her to have some sort of life.

Are you ok with her meeting someone new or is it just OD as a medium you have a concern with?. What is wrong with her going on dating sites, if that is an outlet she would like to try? You say you want her to have some sort of life, but it seems to be limited to activities you deem appropriate for her.

There are lots of 60+ men out there looking for a partner to share their life with. It is quite brave and adventurous of her to be willing to get back out there after 15y rs of being separated. It is understandable that she wants a little bit more than hill walking and that's no harm. She is increasing her opportunities of meeting someone on the same page through OD.
Why not help her with a profile and let her find her feet with the sites?

zoobizoo

I was at the cinema yesterday to see the pretty gruesome horror movie Green Room.

There was a woman on her own there who was in her 70s....

I thought "wow, good on you... going to the cinema and sitting through a proper gory film"

What is she interested in ?

freshpopcorn

She isn't very elderly in my opinion.
There might be an active retirement group on your are that she'd could join if she wanted to.
I also would look into the online dating. I don't see the harm it could do. Some people on those sites are just looking for friends as well.
Maybe she could join the local tidy towns group or something that's id organised in a community centre such as a group/class.

JuliusCaesar

MeetUp.com is the answer if she is in Dublin. There are loads of groups, including some for over 50s. Alternatively, get her on boards and she can ask away in Oulones & Oufellas under Social&Fun.

LegacyUser

It's amazing that even with the best intentions, things can be taking out of context.

1) no she's not elderly in the OAP sense, no offence intended to her any any other 63 yr olds.
2) no I don't have an issue with the dating thing, I think it would be healthy for her to get an interest in general, healthy mind, something to get her our of bed that won't be here today gone tomorrow, i'm just concerned if she focused on only the dating sites she'll never leave the house and also isn't it nice to have stuff to talk about? not just watching tv sites all day?

Thank you for the advice so far, she's living in Dublin city, doesn't drive, doesn't have alot of income so I'm thinking of how best to meet her needs with that in mind. If all she wants is a dating site then so be it but I would like her to see that this can be tackled in many ways, getting an interest/hobby will get her mixing with people and could also lead to dates.

thanks again

LegacyUser

zoobizoo wrote: »

What is she interested in ?

If i'm honest not lot, i think she is in a rut and I need to help her open her mind. She is very quick to dismiss any idea and feels defeated before she even tries. It's sad to watch.

LegacyUser

concernedson wrote: »

She thinks a dating site might be her solution, but i'm not sure, I think she should focus on trying to get an interest of some sort that gets her out of the house and mixing with ppl but all my suggestions get shot down ...volunteering, walking club.

With the best of intentions you are actually shooting down something she has expressed an interest in. She's an adult. She probably has 30 years of life to live yet. Why do you think online dating wouldn't get her out of the house? Surely the whole point of it is that she'll meet up with a few different people. Maybe from that she'll take up a hobby or interest if the person she meets invites her along to something they're interested in.

If she's expressed an interest in something then it's not up to you to tell her she'd be better off doing something else. She's her own person, and what you think is right for her mightn't necessarily be what she feels is right for her. Help her set up a profile, and just tell her to be careful about where she meets people!

It's good that you are looking out for her. But try to keep in mind that to you she's "Mam", but she's a woman in her own right, too.

daisybelle2008

concernedson wrote: »

If i'm honest not lot, i think she is in a rut and I need to help her open her mind. She is very quick to dismiss any idea and feels defeated before she even tries. It's sad to watch.

Well not much more you can do for her, she really has to have some motivation to change her situation herself. You want the best for her but if she is shutting down all ideas, maybe just leave it and remind her if she complains that she has options.
While it would be nice if she had more interests and hobbies but if OD is the only thing that seems to appeal to her maybe just start there? Seeing the profiles/interests of people her age/generation might open her mind and get her out of the rut.

Magicmatilda

Firstly I would say she is not elderly in any sense of the word. She is not even pensionable age yet!

Which means she doesn't have a bus pass, which would be handy but how and ever.

I think the OP is getting a hard time for his comments about a dating site, but I can see where he is coming from. I'm only 35 but if I were to rely on dating sites for my social life I would have none!

I suggest you help her sent up a dating profile AND you also introduce her to meetup.com. The way it works is that there are hundreds of groups set up on there who focus on various difference activities - hiking, music, drama, yoga, handcrafts. You join the site and then join the groups you are interested in. There is no commitment (usually). Often people will offer lifts to other groups members e.g. for a hike in Wicklow a person could ask for a lift from Dublin and will be accomadated. It is a great way to try loads of different things and see what you like.

However if you mum is in a rut she might find it difficult to pluck up the courage to go, perhaps you could go together the first time. Then she would see how many people go along on their own.

The other stock answer is maybe a few counselling sessions could help. If she is short on cash there are a few charities which offer donation based counselling. I know of one in Dublin 1 (not sure that I can make a recommendation here but a quick search on google will locate options) Even just a few sessions might help her get over her initial fears.

I know you say her sisters are busy with family but surely they could all get together for a dinner once a month or something?

Sapphire

Some people just aren't into groups or social events which make it all the harder when they wind up living alone. We've a pensioner relative and she hates socialising, but loves travel, movies and sports so we got her sorted with a sky package and Netflix, and encourage her to globe-trot while she's still able.

I can understand your hesitation about online dating. It's a pretty brutal arena and a lot of chancers and assholes to wade though, she's your mum after all and you don't want her hurt.

So widening her social circle in general might be the way to ease her into meeting potential dates. Meetup.com, or activities that she has an interest in.

LegacyUser

I'm not sure why, but some of you seem to be offended with my comments on online dating. I have no problem with it at all.

However one or two of the previous posters have nailed it, I don't believe only focusing on online dating is going to address her actual problem and I do fear she would be taking advantage of, my mother is very naive and innocent and has never had much street sense, take my word on that.

I'll look at meet-up.com, I think she is very low km confidence right now and dating sites can be very cruel if you let that bother you. I think she needs a consistent outlet that keeps her busy, she enjoys and gets her mixing with ppl and help her build up her confidence again.

To quote her last night " I feel like my life is over" , hearing this is extremely upsetting and I really am worrying me for her now, I can't concentrate in work over it.

I should probably add, my mother had an awful time with my father. He was extremely controlling and jealous and never allowed her to have a job or socialise so alot of her friends fell away over 30 yrs ago and her siblings rarely called around due to him being a very unpleasant to be around.

She sat around playing the dutiful house wife while he had numerous affairs and father 2 children, we didn't find this out until those children were nearly 13 yrs old. He left her, jobless with a mortgage which he decided to stop paying and 2 teens in school to look after.

So her confidence levels being in the gutter is not really a surprised.

Ursus Horribilis

I'd be nervous about either of my parents online dating if they were on their own. From reading forums such as Boards, it's clear that you'd need to have your wits about you when you're online dating. Mixed in with the genuine, nice people are the weirdos, the cheaters, the liars, the psychos, the ones who send you d*ck pictures and the ones with zero social skills. I doubt that being over 60 will stop some of these people trying online dating too. Personally, I'd rather not be exposing any of my older relatives to that. Especially if they're not internet savvy and cynical like the rest of us.

If you can find the time at all, if you could go along with your mum to something like meetup.com, it'd be nicer. Even just for a week or two just to get her started. I know it'd hard with your job but still, it might help.

LegacyUser

concernedson wrote: »

I'm not sure why, but some of you seem to be offended with my comments on online dating. I have no problem with it at all.

As one of the posters who commented on this aspect of your post, allow me to clarify that I took no offence with your attitude to online dating, I merely disagreed strongly with the attitude it suggested you took towards your mother's wishes and suggested that if that's what she wants to do, you should let her. You go on to say that part of the reason your mother finds herself in this position is that your father was controlling. Why are you repeating his mistake? If she needs someone more tech savvy or streetwise to help her, then maybe you could be a great support to her, but just deciding to steer her away from it is not you place.

concernedson wrote: »

So her confidence levels being in the gutter is not really a surprised.

And yet she has the confidence in herself to want to try and find a new relationship. Good on her, I really hope that works out for her. And I really hope for you that you take all of your good intentions and turn them into being a support and not an obstacle. You seem to be projecting your fears onto her and that's not helpful. If it turns out OD is not for her, that's for her to find out, not for you to decide in advance.

LegacyUser

concernedson wrote: »

I don't believe only focusing on online dating is going to address her actual problem

I do fear she would be taking advantage of

I think she is very low km confidence right now and dating sites can be very cruel if you let that bother you.

I think she needs a consistent outlet that keeps her busy, she enjoys and gets her mixing with ppl and help her build up her confidence again.

OP, I know you are genuinely concerned for your mother, but your posts are full of what you think she should be doing. What you are interested in and what she might be interested in are obviously very different. She has expressed an interest in one thing and you're discouraging her. Why not let her try it. Yes, she may meet a chanced. But she's just as likely to meet someone nice. I think in her age range she's probably likely to meet someone in similar circumstances to herself. I know of plenty of "older" people who have found lots of happiness in online dating.. more so than their younger counterparts.

Your idea of how she should go about getting out and about is just one suggestion. You are knocking hers saying it's not the only way! Yet you seem to think your way of joinging clubs is the only way. If she's lacking in confidence walking in to an established group of maybe 20 people(?) would be terrifying. Whereas meeting one person in a pub or restaurant or wherever might seem much less daunting.

This is about your mam and what SHE wants. Not about what you want her to want.

LegacyUser

concernedson wrote: »

I don't believe only focusing on online dating is going to address her actual problem

Maybe not, but it's somewhere to start.

daisybelle2008

OP I agree with the above posters. Showing some support in your mothers choice of interest is a going to give her more confidence. Treating her like a naive, vulnerable women who doesn't know her own mind and thinking you know better about what she should be interested in is controlling. Maybe doesn't want to spend her free time traipsing up hills or in community centre with gangs of people on the off chance she might meet someone romantically, maybe she would prefer to have one on one chats with fun auld fellas in a pub or restaurant. After 15 years single trust that she knows what she wants and have some faith in her. Let her finally have some control in her choices and support her. Trying to steer her in another direction because you think you know better than she does is not going to increase her self confidence.

Leilak

I understand completely as my mother who just turned 70 is more or less in the same boat, her best friend died suddenly two years ago and since then she is just lost. I have tried to encourage her to join various clubs but get rebuffed at every hands turn. She is so nice and friendly and I feel sorry for her being so alone, there are 4 of us and we all visit when we can but my Dad died 20 years ago and her poor dog who she adored died recently so at the moment shes pretty down.. sorry cant offer any help but I would say there are so many others the same out there

Yintang

I have to second the Active retirement association - my parents joined begrudgingly initially, as they thought that early/mid 60s was far too young to be joining such a group. But I have to say that it's now almost the centre of their social life - they have regular talks/lectures in anything from gardening to nutrition, computer lessons, weekly bridge games, charity collections, amazing trips all over Ireland (day trips or longer), overseas cruises, etc etc. They've found a huge social network of friends and acquaintances within and outside of the local community, and have a much busier calendar than I do! It really has been the making of them. And I believe that there have been a few romances formed over the years within the group for some of the members!!
Worth looking into anyway!