Strange Proposition from Ex about Sex

LegacyUser

My ex and I broke up about a month ago. I'm a virgin, he's not but hasn't slept with anyone since in four years. I was ready three months into the relationship to take things further but he was very insecure about his body and his size, very nervous after it being so long since the last time after a bad experience with his ex, and by the time he was ready, we didn't find a good opportunity with college and work (and we both live at home), and then I started having doubts and ended it.

The whole experience made me realise that I'm not interested in a serious relationship at the moment. I enjoyed it, but I just want something fun and casual.

My ex still isn't completely over me. He asked me to meet with him last week, and he asked for us to "consumate our lost love," saying it's like we owe it to what we had. His parents are away next week, so he's a free house. Don't get me wrong, I do sometimes miss him and I still find him as attractive as hell. He said it would be a one-time thing, because we never got to before, it would bring closure, all this type of stuff.

I'm worried that he may see this as a way of getting us back together although he says it's to help him move on, but the thing is I'm actually considering it. I'm nervous about my first time, and want it to be with someone I love and trust, and someone who understands me. I love him as a friend, and that's good enough for me. I want a casual relationship, but don't want my first time with someone to be with someone in a casual relationship - and I don't want another serious relationship. Would I be crazy to go along with this?

Pyr0

strangepropo wrote: »

My ex still isn't completely over me. He asked me to meet with him last week, and he asked for us to "consumate our lost love," saying it's like we owe it to what we had. His parents are away next week, so he's a free house. Don't get me wrong, I do sometimes miss him and I still find him as attractive as hell. He said it would be a one-time thing, because we never got to before, it would bring closure, all this type of stuff.

Terrible idea! He's clearly trying to get things back on track, it won't just be a one time thing for him, he'd be hoping you'd change your tune and get back with him if not straight away then after more of these "one time things".

Keane2baMused

Sex with an ex does not and will not bring closure.

If you have no romantic interest in this guy avoid it like the plague.

ChampagnePop

He's trying to manipulate you, don't trust him.

It sounds like he thinks he's owed sex, your first time and every other time should only be in situations your 100% comfortable with. Please don't think this guy is your friend, he's not.

SarahMollie

This is serious desperado behavior on his part, make no mistake. He's not over the relationship.

Whilst I get that you trust him and want to try having sex, and he seems preferable to some random guy, you'd really be playing with fire here.

If you do this, he'll soon be asking for something else for "closure". You'd only be encouraging him.

LegacyUser

From what you say, when you have sex you want it to mean something. You want it to be a little bit special. You don't want it to be a casual thing. How would sex with your ex who you don't want to be in a relationship with match with that? Go ahead with it if you want, but it will be very intimate (are you going to kiss? Have foreplay? Cuddling afterwards? Or will it be just "in and out", so to speak?)

If you don't want a relationship with your ex, and you believe he is not over you then it would be incredibly unfair of you to use him in such an intimate situation just so you can lose your virginity.

Meauldsegosha

strangepropo wrote: »

My ex still isn't completely over me. He asked me to meet with him last week, and he asked for us to "consumate our lost love," saying it's like we owe it to what we had. His parents are away next week, so he's a free house. Don't get me wrong, I do sometimes miss him and I still find him as attractive as hell. He said it would be a one-time thing, because we never got to before, it would bring closure, all this type of stuff.

Having sex with someone is never going to bring closure to a relationship.

LegacyUser

I'm taking everything said on board here and realising it's probably not a great idea.

I'm confused to see that people thanked ChampagnePop's post because he's still one of my best friends to me (we were friends for a year before anything romantic happened). If anything, I would have expected more replies like LegoFriends saying that I'd be manipulating him. I can't see how it could be the other way around.

I didn't think it would bring closure and I said that to him, but he said he knows himself best and that it would really help him to feel like this was the final moment of the relationship and it would symbolise the end to help him move on.

kylith

This is a terrible, terrible idea. Either he is trying to manipulate you back into a relationship, he's horny and figures you'd be an easy lay since ye were in a relationship, or he has realised that he missed his opportunity to 'bag' a virgin. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

blue note

I dated a girl for a few months when I was 17. Then we broke up but remained close friends. We never had sex in that time and I always felt it was a shame. I always wondered what it would have been like. I think she did too, but since we were friends I think we both thought better of hopping into bed together. Fast forward 8 years and after a lot of booze we lost our sense and went at it like bunnies for a night. It was pretty good and I was glad we finally did it. A couple of months later and without the drink we went for it again. And it was great that time, some of the best.

And that was it. I think we're both glad we got it out of our system and we're still great friends. It's probably the less common story, but it's up to you. It could very well be a great night without repercussions. And being honest, it sou ds a bit better than losing your virginity to some randomer just to break the duck.

Dial Hard

blue note wrote: »

I dated a girl for a few months when I was 17. Then we broke up but remained close friends. We never had sex in that time and I always felt it was a shame... Fast forward 8 years and after a lot of booze we lost our sense and went at it like bunnies for a night... I think we're both glad we got it out of our system and we're still great friends. It's probably the less common story, but it's up to you. It could very well be a great night without repercussions.

If yer man still wants to sleep with the OP in 8 years and she's still considering it at that stage, then yeah, I'd tell her to go for it.

Right now, though, the situations aren't really comparable and I think them consummating their ex-relationship after the fact is going to do nothing but cause confusion and hurt feelings.

fancy pigeon

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Having sex with someone is never going to bring closure to a relationship.

^^^This

There is a chance he knows deep down it may ignite feelings between himself and you again and when you're trying to get over someone this will place you a few steps back.

It won't bring closure. He'll want more. You'll be confused. Then it becomes a messy situation

Only go for it when you feel ready. From what you've described, neither of you are ready and if you were under these circumstances it's a no go

mapaca

I think you already know this is a bad idea. It will just prolong the breakup and make things too complicated. Especially if he still has feelings for you.
He's not the last guy left on the earth. If you want your first time to be special and meaningful, then hold on till you meet someone you're mad about.
Bottom line, as always, don't be pressured into doing anything sexual that you're not 100% comfortable with.

LegacyUser

mapaca wrote: »

I think you already know this is a bad idea. It will just prolong the breakup and make things too complicated. Especially if he still has feelings for you.
He's not the last guy left on the earth. If you want your first time to be special and meaningful, then hold on till you meet someone you're mad about.
Bottom line, as always, don't be pressured into doing anything sexual that you're not 100% comfortable with.

On mobile so sorry if this reply went through already. Lost service for a bit.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

About the post above, I was mad about him. Completely mad. I love him dearly as a friend, but I don't think it's as anything more.

I know this sounds like a bad idea, and I shouldn't consider it and I should have said no immediately. I know that this could lead to all sorts of confusing feelings and mess things up. I'm the type of person who once I logically know I shouldn't, I won't. But it doesn't feel wrong. In a logical sense I'm thinking it's wrong, but I feel like I'm just looking for a reason to say no by thinking about it. There's nothing in me pushing me away from the idea or saying "this is a bad idea, don't do it." I probably just sound desperate now.

The thing holding me back is that I don't feel or think I'll regret it, but I'm thinking about all the reasons it's wrong and it's making me think I might, even though I don't think I will, if that makes any sense.

daisybelle2008

strangepropo wrote: »

The thing holding me back is that I don't feel or think I'll regret it, but I'm thinking about all the reasons it's wrong and it's making me think I might, even though I don't think I will, if that makes any sense

.

Just a different angle, the fact he is insecure about his size and body, nervous, and has stronger feelings than you would put me off. Not to mention all the overthinking and planning that's going into this, makes me think that it won't be very good . Sorry, but I think he is going to need a lot of physical and emotional reassurance. Passion and spontaneity is off the cards, so what are you left with? A needy, insecure guy, who wants more than you do. If it was meant to happen, it would have happened more organically IMHO. It is up to you and I know it might sound harsh but with his body insecurity and your inexperience, you might be better off waiting until your with someone it feels right in the moment, not all this planning and evaluating.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you'd be opening a can of worms. If you don't mind me saying, a 4 year relationship with no sex sounds very odd to me even if you were both living with your parents. The first question I'd be asking is why there's suddenly this urgency to have sex?

Really, it looks like both of you are using/manipulating each other. Are you sure his desire to finally have sex isn't an attempt to re-engineer a romantic reunion? Or a friends with benefits arrangement? Looking at it from your point of view, you seem a bit unsure as to what you actually want. It doesn't seem to be this guy so that'd be a good place to start from. If you're so insistent that he is a friend, why muddy the waters by having sex? The one thing you're guaranteed to do is to ruin your friendship.

If this guy isn't over you, maybe it's not wise to be in contact with him for now? When couples split here, the advice always given is to cut contact with your ex until you're both over the split and neither fancies the other any more. You're not split up that long so it's a bit early to be messing around with stuff like this.

LegacyUser

I love him dearly as a friend, but I don't think it's as anything more.

So why not go have sex with one of your other friends, then? Why chose a friend who you know is probably still in love with you, but you know you're not in love with him. That's called "using". Honestly, OP, I know many posters seem to be blaming him for being a chancer or manipulating you or just after sex etc, but I'm not reading it like that at all. You said yourself he's not over you. You even entertaining this idea is being incredibly unfair on him. You had your chance while you were a couple. You didn't take it.

Cut contact now for both your sakes. You can't be friends when one person clearly wants so much more.

KikiDee

OP, I hope you don't mind my saying but it seems a bit that you're just wanting to get your first time out of the way
Are you thinking that by going there with your ex, because you clearly mean something to him and him to you it will make it better? More special? Sure, it's better than just going out and meeting some randomer but think about the emotional implications here. You say he means a lot to you and you're great friends right? So do him a favour and don't hook up with him when he's still in a 'wanting more' headspace.

B.A._Baracus

If you want to have sex with him, then have sex with him. The reality is it's your first time so it's gonna hurt. You wont really enjoy it. Also you said you want it with someone you love and trust. That would be him.


But do what you want as it's your body. In the grand scheme of life it doesn't matter.

ChampagnePop

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

If you want to have sex with him, then have sex with him. The reality is it's your first time so it's gonna hurt. You wont really enjoy it. Also you said you want it with someone you love and trust. That would be him.


But do what you want as it's your body. In the grand scheme of life it doesn't matter.

OP, your first time will be painful but that doesn't mean you won't enjoy it - that's terrible advice.

bee06

ChampagnePop wrote: »

OP, your first time will be painful but that doesn't mean you won't enjoy it - that's terrible advice.

First time doesn't have to be painful either. Mine wasn't.

OP, this is a really bad idea. He has feelings for you. Do you really think he's going to have sex with you and think "right so, I don't have any feelings any more." It's just going to make things worst. If he has self esteem issues, it won't help with those either.

Idle Passerby

I feel sorry for your ex he's clearly not over you and is clutching at straws. If you sleep with him I suspect he'd become even harder to shake. On paper it might seem to tick some boxes but I think the end result would be having a clinger of an ex hanging around longer than you really want them to.