Accidentally fell for a tinder date , help!

LegacyUser

Hi

So I’ve been on Tinder for a few months now, I’m going away travelling for a year or more in August so all I wanted from tinder was to meet people for a bit of casual fun, nothing too serious and not a relationship or anything. I’d met a few people and went on a few dates, and all it was was that, which was fine! But then about a month ago I matched with a guy, went on a date and we really hit it off. We’ve seen eachother a good few times since and its been going really well. We both really like each other and I haven’t felt such good chemistry with someone in a long time. Its been so lovely and I’d even go as far as saying I’m bordering on love for this guy!

But obviously the travelling thing is a bit of an issue. I’m definitely going in August and we both know that. We’d kinda made a few jokes about it but never really talked about it seriously. I had wondered and worried about what would happen but my thinking is that we should just go for it and embrace the lovliness we’ve found while we can, even though we know its going to enivitably lead to hardness and heartbreak when we have to say goodbye. But I still think its worth it.

Anyway, he messaged me the other day saying he’d been thinking about it a lot and he feels like he’s just setting himself up for some serious disappointment when I leave and that he thinks it might be best if we end things now to avoid that. I do understand that but I still think we should just go for it and embrace it, I told him that’s how I feel but he just said that it won’t be as hard for me because I’ll be the one travelling the world having the time of my life. That is true and I guess it would be harder to be the one left behind, but it still would be hard for me too and I still think its worth it.

I just don’t know what I should do now. Obviously I have to just accept his decision, and I’ve already told him what my feelings are about the whole time so there’s probably just nothing else I can do now really. But a part of me just doesn’t want to accept it and give up. I feel so sad and heartbroken about it and I’ve been constantly fighting the urge to message him again and try convince him to change his mind but I don’t want to be crazy or annoying. I just feel so **** and helpless and like I’m giving up on something really special.

ManOfMystery

Is it beyond the realms of possibility for you two to have a LDR and keep in touch with Skype etc until you're back? Are you going to be far away or is there a chance of trips back home between parts of your travelling?

Would he consider travelling or does he have too many ties here presently?

Xterminator

LDR is hard work and requires commitment on both sides. Its not fair to expect someone to sign up for one, against their will; or on the basis of a couple of dates. It would really need a couple who make a firm commitment to each other.

OP it sounds like your partner has got feelings for you, but is protecting himself. You could just text him and say you miss him. hey may be having second thoughts anyway.

mitresize5

If its meant for you it wont pass you by

My then girlfriend left to travel for a year and we swore we'd keep it up .... were both happily married now, to different people :-)

My best mate and his then girlfriend did it for 18 months and their both happily married .... to each other

LegacyUser

I can only see two options, either respect his feelings and leave him alone, or cancel your travel plans, for now at least. If the relationship is as good as you think it might be, maybe you'd only be postponing travelling now for the chance to travel with him in the future. If the travel is so important that you're unwilling to change your plans, then the relationship isn't important enough to you and you should have no trouble leaving him alone.

Sunny Dayz

mitresize5 wrote: »

If its meant for you it wont pass you by

This. A friend of my husband's met a fantastic girl just before he went travelling. They stayed in contact but AFAIK they didn't do a LDR. Resumed things when he got home and they married a few years later!


You both seem to be making each other miserable thinking about splitting - neither of you want to break up. Enjoy it while it lasts while you are at home, stay in touch while you are travelling but don't be exclusive or official (ie be free to date other people), you don't want to deal with a possible break up via Skype or email. Then if you are still in contact when you get back then meet up and see how things go from there.


A lot can happen in the year you are away - you could grow as a person from travelling, either of you could meet someone else etc.

LegacyUser

What age are you op? Is it not a runner that ye stay together and you go for less time?

beks101

Ask him to meet you for a final cup of coffee before ye go your separate ways and tell him everything you've told us here.

How your excitement about going travelling has been dampened by meeting someone special and not having the opportunity to explore your potential together. How you haven't felt this way about someone for a long time, and although you're not asking him to put his life on hold and you respect his need to move on; you'd still like him to be open to something happening down the line, maybe when you get back.

Maybe he'll tell you to feck off, or maybe he won't. Life is short, you know? No regrets etc. Best of luck x

Eimee90

I think it's very early only after a month to be worrying so much. I would go on your trip and see how you feel when you get back. I wouldnt be putting all these feelings over a trip of a life time, especially after one month.

jigglypuffstuff

Based on what you've said..I see the following

If he liked you enough he'd do the LDR

If you like him enough, you wouldn't be going travelling

Relationships are about sacrifice at the very core...neither of you seem willing to sacrifice based on what you've said

Go your separate ways if neither of you are willing to compromise

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, OP here, thanks for all the replies and advice so far.

Just to clear up a few things about the situation…

A few people have suggested the option of either tryng a long term relationship, him coming with me, or me not going.
I don’t really think any of them are viable options. I don’t really have a set plan and I’m not even sure of how exactly long I’ll be gone for so I don’t think a LDR would work at all as it would be unfair to both of us. Also, him coming with me isn’t really an option because I’ve been saving a year and a half for this and I’m going in August, there’s just not enough time for him to save that amount in a short amount of time, plus he has various commitments here. And me not going isn’t an option either. Like I said I’ve been planning this for a year and a half and I’m not going to give up on it. I do really believe what we have is special and with better timing it could be something great, but if I gave up on my travelling dream for anyone I’d be afraid I’d end up resenting them for it, and in that case both the travel and the relationship would be ruined.

I’m leaving in two months, and if it was completely up to me, I would have us make the most of those couple of months together, even though it will inevitably mean saying goodbye will be a bit heartbreaking, but I think getting to spend more time together is worth that heartbreak. Then when I go I think the best thing to do is see what happens. Its impossible to plan what you’ll want or where you’ll be a year or two down the line but I think I would like to just stay in casual contact with him through the duration of my travels, and then when I eventually come home, if both of us still want to, we could meet up again and see where things go then.

I’m not expecting any commitment when I leave, all I want is to make the most of the time until I leave. But he says he’d rather just nip it in the bud now to prevent further sadness and disappointment when I go.

So that’s my main thing I want advise on really! He has said that and I’ve said I will accept and respect his opinion, but I really want to try and convince him otherwise. How do I do that without seeming pushy, overbearing, clingy etc…?

Jimmy Bottlehead

op123 wrote: »

I’m not expecting any commitment when I leave, all I want is to make the most of the time until I leave. But he says he’d rather just nip it in the bud now to prevent further sadness and disappointment when I go.

So that’s my main thing I want advise on really! He has said that and I’ve said I will accept and respect his opinion, but I really want to try and convince him otherwise. How do I do that without seeming pushy, overbearing, clingy etc…?

I understand, but respecting his opinion on this does mean letting him go so he can avoid being hurt or disappointed. Trying to alter his opinion on it, well... IS being pushy.

Into The Blue

Say something like this to him; Stay dating for now, no commitment.
Go travelling, stay in touch, call it an open relationship, then see how ye both feel when you get back.

Augme

op123 wrote: »

So that’s my main thing I want advise on really! He has said that and I’ve said I will accept and respect his opinion, but I really want to try and convince him otherwise. How do I do that without seeming pushy, overbearing, clingy etc…?

Have you thought that what you are doing is being very selfish? It seems what you are trying to do is basically make yourself happy for the last two months at the expense of his happiness. If you do have such strong feelings for him maybe you should just leave him be.

jigglypuffstuff

op123 wrote: »

So that’s my main thing I want advise on really! He has said that and I’ve said I will accept and respect his opinion, but I really want to try and convince him otherwise. How do I do that without seeming pushy, overbearing, clingy etc…?

What you're suggesting is unfair and selfish.....and comes across like you're more concerned with your feelings than his

You dont sound like you respect his opinion whatsoever....it comes across as though you want to have your cake, and eat it too

Let him go and enjoy your travels..or else cancel your plans and stay with him, but it isnt fair when he's told you that he wants to be left alone and you're trying to convince him otherwise.

LegacyUser

pone2012 wrote: »

What you're suggesting is unfair and selfish.....and comes across like you're more concerned with your feelings than his

You dont sound like you respect his opinion whatsoever....it comes across as though you want to have your cake, and eat it too

Let him go and enjoy your travels..or else cancel your plans and stay with him, but it isnt fair when he's told you that he wants to be left alone and you're trying to convince him otherwise.

Augme wrote: »

Have you thought that what you are doing is being very selfish? It seems what you are trying to do is basically make yourself happy for the last two months at the expense of his happiness. If you do have such strong feelings for him maybe you should just leave him be.

OP here again!


Hmm, I kinda didn't really think of it as being selfish of me but yeah maybe it is.


I don't think it's even selfish in a malicious or uncaring way or anything though. I didn't really think of it as me making myself happy at the expense of his happiness. I was thinking of both of us being happy if we got to spend the next couple of months together before I go...

But yeah, he has said he would rather cut our losses now to avoid it being harder down the line... That's where we differ really. I totally agree that it would be super hard to say goodbye if we got to spend another two months together, but to me that hardship is worth it! That's all I wanted to convince him of - that its worth it. This is the only time we have guaranteed together really. We will probably stay in touch loosely and I would hope that it would work out when I come back, but we can't commit to anything really & I'm well aware that so much could happen and this may be our only opportunity to have some time together and I just don't want to waste that!

Ice Storm

op123 wrote: »

But yeah, he has said he would rather cut our losses now to avoid it being harder down the line... That's where we differ really. I totally agree that it would be super hard to say goodbye if we got to spend another two months together, but to me that hardship is worth it! That's all I wanted to convince him of - that its worth it.

It's a very different scenario for you both though as he has already pointed out. Because if you were to stay together, at the end of it, you get to go travelling and have lots of great new experiences while he is left behind.

I don't think you're really taking into account what that would be like for him. I completely understand where he's coming from.

KikiDee

op123 wrote: »

But yeah, he has said he would rather cut our losses now to avoid it being harder down the line... That's where we differ really. I totally agree that it would be super hard to say goodbye if we got to spend another two months together, but to me that hardship is worth it! That's all I wanted to convince him of - that its worth it.

He's said he wants to cut his losses. He's actually said this. Why are you trying to convince him otherwise? You say the hardship would be worth it but, and I know this sounds so harsh and I'm sorry, it wouldn't be to him because if it was, he wouldn't want to cut his losses.

Let this one go and if it's meant to happen when you get back, it'll happen.

NedNew2

There's a lot of very opinionated people here. What do they know really?

I think you're instincts are right. Go on your journey, you'll regret if you don't. Keep in touch with him. If he's as genuine as you are he'll be there when you return.

I say this because I've been through exactly that. I had doubts, I still went, i had a heart to heart before I left. We kept in touch. I returned and we prospered together. An now happily married to her.

leggo

KikiDee wrote: »

He's said he wants to cut his losses. He's actually said this. Why are you trying to convince him otherwise? You say the hardship would be worth it but, and I know this sounds so harsh and I'm sorry, it wouldn't be to him because if it was, he wouldn't want to cut his losses.

This a THOUSAND times! This guy is 100% right: it's much easier for you to get over him because you're off experiencing new things and he'd be left with boring normalcy just missing you if you pushed this. You're not considering that at all here. You ARE being ridiculously selfish pushing this on him and not letting him go. If he's not worth cancelling the travel plans, you DON'T feel as strongly as you think about him. It's infatuation. That's all there is here.

If it makes it easier, with Whatsapp, Skype etc, it's much easier to keep in contact with someone. So let him go but throw the odd text and catch up. Keep him in your world unless he and/or you meet someone else and maybe you'll meet up on the other side.

I have a feeling you're going to do what you want here though. I hope he continues to see one step ahead and doesn't let himself get hurt.

ShaShaBear

Its all well and good you saying YOU think it would be worth it. But perhaps you are missing that he clearly doesn't feel the same.
I have in fact been in the exact same position as him where by my now ex wanted to continue seeing me right up until he left and I told him I'd rather end it now than develop further feelings and have them crushed when he left. I absolutely do not regret that decision.

Whats to say that after another 2 months together you fall head over heels for him and him you and he convinces you to stay? Or he begs you not to go and you go regardless, resulting in a very messy breakup with no further contact? He is being purely sensible and level-headed suggesting that you end things now on guaranteed good terms leaving your relationship as friends or more completely open on your return.