My girlfriend thinks that I cheated on her

Kirby42

She just got back from a 2 week holiday visiting family. We had a bit of an argument last night. My roommate always has different girls over to spend the night with him. Two days ago while she was gone I was doing the laundry. I found a pair of girl's underpants and a towel. I assumed they belonged to my girlfriend because there haven't been any if my roommates girls over in a while. I took them and put them with my girlfriend's stuff in our room. She found them this morning and you can imagine the reaction.

I told her my side but she doesn't seem to believe me. I have never been unfaithful in my life. We're not talking right now.

batmanrobin

I assume she's aware of your flat mate's behaviour, ya? Like she knows he has lots of women on the go and it's not exactly an impossibility that a girl might leave her underwear behind? Has she been cheated on before? Could she have cheated on you? Weirdly, the person doing the cheating often accuses their partner of it. How's the relationship in general?

clairewithani

If you had cheated you would hardly have left a girl's stuff where she would find it. That would cement your innocence for me.

dudara

@PoistolsAtDawn - welcome to Boards and PI. I have removed your post as it was not to the standard expected in this forum . Please read the forum charter before posting again.

dudara

Sound Bite

I'd put money on it that she cheated while on holiday. Classic behaviour.

Dave0301

You have presented your side of the story.

Either she trusts you and you both move on from this, or else I would be telling her it is over.

No relationship without trust.

Diggg

Like others have said maybe shes projecting guilt from some extracurriculars while on holiday, in fact, why did she go off on her own for two weeks at all? (Edit: family. Ehhhh)
You cant do much more, maybe get your friend to verify he is indeed a womanizer and the story you suggest is highly possible

Dave0301

Dave0301 wrote: »

You have presented your side of the story.

Either she trusts you and you both move on from this, or else I would be telling her it is over.

No relationship without trust.

Agreed with this and would add that I'd be making it clear that these aren't light accusations to be making within any relationship, particularly with a clear explanation of the circumstances.

Ask her if she isn't going to believe you, what she's going to do about it? No good parking this for later resentments, get it sorted in the most up front and clear matter asap either way.

jimmycrackcorm

Diggg wrote:

Like others have said maybe shes projecting guilt from some extracurriculars while on holiday, in fact, why did she go off on her own for two weeks at all? (Edit: family. Ehhhh)

I think a woman finding a strange pair of underwear in her collection might not imply this theory as the obvious angle to follow up.

wahwahjimi

Shocked that people are implying your girlfriend cheated on you while on holiday.

Absolutely no evidence. Total overreaction. Ridiculous.

Just tell her the truth. If she accepts it (eventually- I'd be suspicious too), I'm sure you'll laugh about it in future. If you have a good relationship and she trusts you, it wont be a problem.

If she doesn't accept it, unfortunately there not much can be done. Maybe better off without someone who does doesnt trust you!

FTA69

Can you get your housemate to verify your side of the story?

mapaca

I think finding a stranger's underwear among your other half's belongings is a perfectly sound reason to be suspicious and upset! Doesn't mean she has cheated herself while she was away. Try talking to her again about it. Presumably she knows your housemate brings girls home, etc? And presumably she has no other reason to doubt you? Keep talking to her, all is not lost yet.

clairewithani

mapaca wrote: »

I think finding a stranger's underwear among your other half's belongings is a perfectly sound reason to be suspicious and upset! Doesn't mean she has cheated herself while she was away. Try talking to her again about it. Presumably she knows your housemate brings girls home, etc? And presumably she has no other reason to doubt you? Keep talking to her, all is not lost yet.

The underwear was with her things though. Unless OP was a fool he would have gotten rid of those if he had cheated instead of putting them right under girlfriend's nose.

cloudatlas

Very weird reaction from probably guys who assume your girlfriend cheated, what?
If I found that kind of thing question would need to be asked and it's not such a wild leap.

However you have to put an ultimatum before her, either she believes you or you finish it? You can't have that hanging over your head.

dudara

@pheaser - I have removed your post as it was not to the standard required in PI. Please read the forum charter before posting again.

dudara

Heat_Wave

If I called to my boyfriends house and found another girls' underwear in my drawer I would be horrified !! Of course one would immediately think you cheated.

The replies on this thread are ridiculous.

OP, give her time to calm down, but understand how unfortunate the situation is, but she cannot be blamed for her reaction in fairness.. The whole thing is just 'extremely' unfortunate ..

batmanrobin

Heat_Wave wrote: »

If I called to my boyfriends house and found another girls' underwear in my drawer I would be horrified !! Of course one would immediately think you cheated.

The replies on this thread are ridiculous.

OP, give her time to calm down, but understand how unfortunate the situation is, but she cannot be blamed for her reaction in fairness.. The whole thing is just 'extremely' unfortunate ..

To be fair, if he has never given her cause for concern, then I think it is she who is being unfair. If she trusts him and the relationship and if she's aware of his flat mate's antics, then why doubt him?

I wouldn't be long in a relationship with someone who thought i was a cheat, a liar and didn't trust me.

pookie82

While it's always nice to trust someone infallibly yah de yah there aren't many women who'd just laugh off finding a strange girl's intimate garments in their boyfriend's drawer.

There have been plenty of girls blindsided by catching cheating boyfriends with suspect texts/receipts/underwear and I'm sure they all trusted their boyfriends too until it came crashing down.

I'm not saying you've done a thing wrong but I have to say it'd take me a while to calm down if I found someone else's lacy smalls in my boyfriend's bedroom.

The fact that you put them WITH her stuff should make her realise the genuine error though. If you were trying to hide them you'd have burnt them surely.

I reckon give her 24 hours to see sense and I think she'll probably calm down when she thinks it through. Your housemate having girls over often is probably common knowledge to her? Would he by any chance recognise them/remember whose they were/back you up? I live in a shared house (male and female) and when we're collecting laundry from the clothes horses anyone's can end up in my room. It's easy as pie to do.

If she can't calm down or come around then the initial shock/anger most girls would feel will become suspicion and mistrust and I guess you guys were never really suited anyways if she can't hear you out in a couple of days and trust what you're telling her.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

tracey turnblad

I can understand her being upset... I would be too... And have never cheated on my life. Call her ask her to meet and again explain. Explain to her if you cheated you wouldn't have put the underwear in her drawer logically you would have disposed of it. All you can do then is give her time to think about it and see what she does

Kirby42

She believes me. Said that if I had cheated I wouldn't have left them with her stuff.

But it feels like we're on a downward spiral. She hasn't been as conversational in the past week as she usually is and we've been arguing a lot more. She's made one or two subtle digs at me too.

If this continues I think we'll have to go our separate ways. But she's living with me at the moment while her new apartment is being repaired and she has no where else to go for the next 5 weeks or so.

Kirby42

Kirby42 wrote: »

She believes me. Said that if I had cheated I wouldn't have left them with her stuff.

But it feels like we're on a downward spiral. She hasn't been as conversational in the past week as she usually is and we've been arguing a lot more. She's made one or two subtle digs at me too.

If this continues I think we'll have to go our separate ways. But she's living with me at the moment while her new apartment is being repaired and she has no where else to go for the next 5 weeks or so.

Cue her breaking up with you once she moved back to her own place.

I'd question the level of distrust that is being shown.

KikiDee

Kirby42 wrote: »

She believes me. Said that if I had cheated I wouldn't have left them with her stuff.

But it feels like we're on a downward spiral. She hasn't been as conversational in the past week as she usually is and we've been arguing a lot more. She's made one or two subtle digs at me too.

Is she making digs about you 'cheating' on her? Coz if she believes you, she shouldn't really be doing this in a serious way. Maybe bring up the fact that you've noticed she's a little distant and see what happens from there?

StripedBoxers

Kirby42 wrote: »

she's living with me at the moment while her new apartment is being repaired and she has no where else to go for the next 5 weeks or so.

I'd break up now and let her find somewhere else, a friends, family members, maybe rent a room elsewhere for a few weeks.

I am absolutely certain that as soon as she moves into her place you will be dumped immediately. No question or doubt about it at all.

If I was seeing a guy and he behaved like that with me, I would go mad and dump him immediately.

I can't get over the cheek of her. She doesn't believe you at all, if she did, she wouldn't be behaving the way she is.

Vicxas

Seems like a gross over-reaction to me, but then again we don't know what mindset shes in. Maybe its possible shes been cheated on before.

leggo

There's something else at play here. Yeah, she had a right to have a bit of a moment after finding the underwear, but seriously once you hear your (true) explanation, give her an hour or so and she should've calmed down. Maybe give allowances for her being a bit dramatic or emotional at the time for some reason...whatever, it's a funny story when you stand back from it, by the time she says she trusts you that's all it should ever be moving forward.

The fact that she's being off with you in general and throwing digs...while making these wild accusations? I'm not saying she cheated on holidays, but I don't think it's completely ridiculous that other posters were suspicious of that here. Maybe while she was on holidays she realised she liked being on her own, or something like that.

Whatever the case, there's more to this. If you're thinking about breaking up anyway, maybe you're right.