Am I being unfair and controlling ?

LegacyUser

Would like to get an outside opinion on something bothering me lately. I am started to get frustrated and need to know if I am being unfair. I am with a great guy, 3 years, we share common interests and generally get on quite well which is great. We are both 32 so both similar in age. Both want kids in the future and future together.

We both enjoy socialising together enjoy our nights out. However I have started to become frustrated as all activities or any planning that we do that involves something different is determined by nights out....it is important that a couple maintain strong friendships outside of a relationship and we both do that, (this isn't the issue as I feel it's healthy to see friends often)

I feel lately that plans can't be made due to him wanting to go out, nights out prioritise everything. I am starting to get bored of what has become routine every weekend in the last few months. We don't live together and we don't see each other Friday nights which usually suits us. Saturday day he is with his friends and usually heads out drinking early in the day. I follow him out that night, stay out for the night etc. We do something together hungover on Sunday.

Last weekend I suggested we do something different. Just for one weekend in months I wanted to do something that didn't involve getting hammered. He didn't want to do this and wanted to do the same thing as every weekend and this really frustrated me as it was just the usual sat drinking down the local when we could have gone away and done something different.

I have a kid from previous relationship and I love my nights out but being on a session every single weekend is not how I want to live at the moment. I feel like any thing we do is determined around his social life, we don't make plans unless they fall into line with it. I find it has become a priority for him and have noticed that a lot of the times the people he is out with are far younger than us. There is nothing wrong with this but I can't help feel he just doesn't want to grow up if that makes sense. He never sits in with me on a Saturday night. I just feel him drinking has become a priority and that any plans we make evolve around his social life...it's been so long since we did something on a Saturday night just the two of us...I feel pushed to the side constantly, it's every weekend...what do I do here. I don't want to be controlling and I love my nights out too but I feel with him nothing else can be planned because of this and it's really getting to me...or am I being unreasonable, if this is the case please tell me....

SarahMollie

Few things stuck out to me immediately. Firstly, you talk about him the way you'd talk about an item that you find reasonably acceptable. You don't mention anywhere being in love or loving things about him.

Secondly is there a reason that after 3 years, and aged 32, that you're not living together? Is this just purely because you have a child?

I would be also be totally unimpressed if my weekends were so formulaic, and especially so heavily centered around booze. It actually sounds really dull and really unhealthy.

You need to talk to him about this again. If it turns out that he's still totally inflexible and refuses to compromise, then you need to think if this is a lifestyle you can live with.

Wanting to spend the odd weekend alone together, or even just trying out new places (is it the same local pub every weekend?) is not unreasonable.

My worry would be that you're both too comfortable in the status quo but is there really much of a relationship there?

Xterminator

sounds like you are at different stages in life.
you cant make him want to 'settle down' ; get serious with you, move in etc. they may happen in time.

for now he wants the lifestyle of going out. But you do not. Have a good think about what you want then a calm discussion about the future.

maybe there is a good compromise you can come to. maybe not. you may have to make a choice here OP.

desbrook

There's "going out" and then there's binge drinking, becoming a functioning alcoholic and then a nonfunctioning alcoholic. I'm not qualified to say what stage your boyfriend is at but he's beyond the going out stage. As you say yourself even if you do get up and out for the day on Sundays it's always hungover. You could easily argue his drinking is controlling the entire weekend so forget about the controlling label(s) . The question is this - is this the lifestyle you want for the foreseeable?because signs are he's not changing.

I think you know the answer too .....

LegacyUser

OP here. We generally have a good relationship and are pretty close. but I'm finding in the last few weeks that my patience is wearing thin with things. As for me talking about him as an item, I feel annoyed with him at the moment so it's probably coming through in my post.

I am happy with the living arrangement at the moment, I don't think I'm really trying to force him to settle down or for us to move in together, I'm sure that will happen in time, that's not really what I'm worried about but thank you for your input with other suggestions.

I really do enjoy going out too, it's not that I want to sit in every weekend and not drink, nor would i expect that of a partner.....But I just feel that the weekends are dictated by him wanting to go out drinking, there's no deviation. Ever... i genuinely mean this is every weekend...When we do things yes they are fun but its usually when we are hungover. I just feel he prioritises drinking all the time, for example last year he nearly didn't come on a weekend away because there was a house party on somewhere? There was no one out of the ordinary at it so I couldn't really understand this?

It's not that I'm trying to stop him having fun, I just feel like other things are always a priority and its really starting to frustrate me. I love going out but it feels relentless that there is never nights planned around me or as a couple

desbrook

For some reason when you use the terms "going out " or "having fun" OP you exclusively mean drinking. Ever notice that ?

Ursus Horribilis

I don't think you're being controlling at all. I get the impression that your fear of coming across to him as controlling is stopping you from having a proper conversation with him about this. Have you spoken to him at all? I wonder are the pair of you on the same page when it comes to what you want? It's obvious what you want but what about him? He mostly wants to party and to prioritise his drinking/drinking buddies. What does that say about him?

Eric Cartman

Just to ask OP , when are you asking him to change plans ?

if your asking to do something different , or organising a weekend away try ask 2 weeks in advance. Asking for saturday on the day or even a few days before, he may have already agreed to go out with the lads a few days beforehand. I know your his other half , but he may have known these lads an awful lot longer and not be one for bailing on plans.

Secondly, when you say you want to do something different, are you just saying that and expecting him to come up with something, or are you bringing a concrete plan that you will both enjoy to the table ? Theres no point in saying 'do something different' if you don't know what that something is.

Could it be a money issue ? a night down the local , he knows the cost of. If he has to watch funds then he could be concerned about the financial hole doing something different may leave.

Also, to the people suggesting that the Other half is an alcoholic, will you come off it. The chap is down the pub at the weekends, he's not downing a 70cl of vodka on a tuesday.

LegacyUser

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Also, to the people suggesting that the Other half is an alcoholic, will you come off it. The chap is down the pub at the weekends, he's not downing a 70cl of vodka on a tuesday.

Yeah, because that's the only kind of alcoholic there is!

He may not be an alcoholic, OP, but he is a problem drinker. His drinking is causing problems in his relationship. It's not causing any problems to him personally, but it is to you. Problem drinkers rarely have a problem with much/how often they drink. The problems concern the people around them.

I will tell you that after 3 years, and you asking multiple times, it's unlikely to change. He enjoys the pub scene. He enjoys the craic in the pub on a Saturday night, and you can't really compete. The change in his attitude has to come from him, and if he doesn't see it as a problem, then he has no reason to change. There's not much advice to offer you. You either accept him for what he is, and hope down the line he becomes less attached to his local EVERY Saturday night. Or, you try to change him.

Trying to change someone rarely goes according to plan, though.

LegacyUser

OP here, as suggested I had a calm chat earlier on with out getting annoyed and didn't come across sounding controlling. Calmly explained how I feel about this issue and gave examples of when it's happened recently.

He seems to have taken on board what I've said and there seems to have taken on board what I was saying😊 I use the term " going out" to describe nights out but we do do other things during the day that doesn't involve drink, I just ask maybe we could try plan things better and not be doing these things hungover all of the time as I have found lately in particular that my time with him revolves around him drinking with his friends. I said to him about us not doing things as a couple and when speaking to him it does genuinely seems that there's been an unusually high amount of birthdays, functions etc on over the last couple of months and I can see that now. He also pointed out that he still does make an effort to do things and spend time with me even though he's been out the night before.

But I've asked him to try see it from my side and it sounds like he's going to make more of an effort starting this weekend which I'm hoping is a good sign😊

I think one of the posters above is right about making plans. I can often leave things until very close to the day to organise so I'm going to try and organise things a couple of weeks in advance and see how things work out, hopefully the situation will improve, I just want some couple time as I miss that. I think it's important to have that as a couple, we should be happy in each others company too. Thank you all for your advice, I found it very helpful getting different perspectives and it helped me approach this in a calm and reasonable way😊

Augme

LegoFriends wrote: »

Yeah, because that's the only kind of alcoholic there is!

He may not be an alcoholic, OP, but he is a problem drinker. His drinking is causing problems in his relationship. It's not causing any problems to him personally, but it is to you. Problem drinkers rarely have a problem with much/how often they drink. The problems concern the people around them.

I will tell you that after 3 years, and you asking multiple times, it's unlikely to change. He enjoys the pub scene. He enjoys the craic in the pub on a Saturday night, and you can't really compete. The change in his attitude has to come from him, and if he doesn't see it as a problem, then he has no reason to change. There's not much advice to offer you. You either accept him for what he is, and hope down the line he becomes less attached to his local EVERY Saturday night. Or, you try to change him.

Trying to change someone rarely goes according to plan, though.

It's more that his going out is causing problems, not his drinking. If he went out and didn't drink it still would be a problem it seems.

LegacyUser

But he IS drinking and the reason he is going out or is reluctant to make other plans is because he specifically wants to go out drinking with his mates. The two can't really be separated. If it was a hobby that he had, then the OP's issue would be a different one. But the hobby he has is drinking.

OP, I'm glad you managed to talk without getting upset or frustrated. I know how difficult it can be, and how defensive a person can become. You said your piece now. All you can do is see how things go now.

Augme

LegoFriends wrote: »

But he IS drinking and the reason he is going out or is reluctant to make other plans is because he specifically wants to go out drinking with his mates. The two can't really be separated. If it was a hobby that he had, then the OP's issue would be a different one. But the hobby he has is drinking.

If his hobby was to go golfing with his mates every Saturday evening the problem would be the same, which is that he doesn't want to change his Saturday evening plans of spending time with his friends. If he was going drinking on his own on Saturdays then I'd see how could have a drinking problem. But it seems to be he has a spending time with friends problem.

Mr. Incognito

I'm a 33 year old guy.

Also have a son.

I go out on Friday nights and do something like the flicks or that on Saturday and then use my Sundays to go hiking or go do something with my day.

Ask him to maybe move Saturday nights out to Friday every second week so that you can go do something on Sunday

Honestly it makes a huge difference on Monday when you havent spent Sunday hungover and depressed.

LegacyUser

Augme wrote: »

If his hobby was to go golfing with his mates every Saturday evening the problem would be the same, which is that he doesn't want to change his Saturday evening plans of spending time with his friends.

Possibly. But he wouldn't be hungover every Sunday. Effectively losing 2 days of every weekend, and they generally don't see each other on Fridays. The OP has a right to not be happy with a particular aspect of their relationship. Just as her bf has the right to not want to change or compromise.

By calmly discussing it and laying out your issue, OP, you now have the chance to discuss it, and see if a compromise can be met. After all, aren't relationships usually about compromise!

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

OP here, I thought that what I'd said was taken on board...started out with him making an effort this weekend, did something nice together on Friday evening for a change which was nice.

he headed out all day yesterday, last night and through to today so our plans for today aren't happening anymore.

I'm away next weekend so would have liked to do something today, you know head off somewhere for the day...I love going out having fun too but I feel this is OTT.

I feel angry and frustrated. Because I'm angry I'm not going to approach this today. I said what I had to say calmly on Friday and thought how I felt was taken on board. I even understood things from his point of view and thought that maybe I was being unreasonable but it's happening again already.

I love this guy and he does treat me well but I think I'm going to have to reevaluate this situation as Im starting to think what it would be like in the future if we had a family together...I'm not controlling and do like to have fun myself but feel this is frustrating me. I don't want to feel that I'm forcing someone in a relationship to spend time with me, And I'm feeling like that now I know relationships are about comprimising but this is a pattern that's happened more and more in the last few months and its starting to make me feel bad about things.

Merkin

I'd be really concerned tbh. You don't usually see each other on a Friday and then he is either pissed or hungover for the weekend. It seems like you are both at quite different life stages and that he is leading very much a footloose and fancy free existence. I'm not saying once you settle down you're doomed to a life of pipe and slippers but the fact that his lifestyle choices are to the detriment of you guys doing really nice fun, coupley things together EVERY weekend isn't cool at all. I'd be asking him if he wants to be single as what he's doing is suggesting that.

LegacyUser

That's what I'm starting to think but when I ask him that he says he wants to be in this relationship so I'm at a loss as to what to do here. When we do things whether we go out or do active things during the day we do have fun together but I'm feeling tired of our plans evolving around him all the time....it's like I've become this person that fits into his plans when it suits him.

LegacyUser

Op you don't sound controlling!

So has he been on an 18 hour session then? Is this most weekends?

By any chance do your plans for a day out include your kid?

I don't see how he's that nice to you given for 2/3 days out of 7 you are unhappy with him and he just isn't listening...

bee06

Unreg149 wrote: »

he headed out all day yesterday, last night and through to today so our plans for today aren't happening anymore.

Am I understanding correctly that he goes out drinking every Friday night, all day Saturday and all Saturday night every single weekend. That's an incredible amount of drinking.

You're not a priority in his life. And like you said, you don't want to (and shouldn't have to) force him to spend time with you. I'd be reassessing your future with this man.

Sunny Dayz

Do ye not doing anything as a couple, just the two of you? Night in on the sofa with a DVD, night out for a meal or cinema? Night away in a hotel?
You mention that you have a child from a previous relationship - do you have him/her at weekends? Does your boyfriend spend any time with him/her? How does he get on with the child? Do ye do anything together the three of ye? Cinema, playground, swimming pool, cycling, park etc? If he's someone that you are hoping to settle down with and have children with I would be assuming that after 3 years they would have some sort of relationship.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

bee06 wrote: »

You're not a priority in his life. And like you said, you don't want to (and shouldn't have to) force him to spend time with you. I'd be reassessing your future with this man.

Yes. I've been there OP. You end up feeling like a nag and a killjoy, or like the stereotypical 'crazy girlfriend'. I know in my case I ended up with my self image completely distorted, though you sound much better able to deal with it. At the start of my current relationship I was constantly tiptoeing around or apologising, I was so used to having things like "will you come with me when I visit my sister next week" being treated like "how about I chain you to a radiator and brand my initials on your chest" that I really thought I was the one who needed to manage my behaviour.

I wouldn't necessarily be rushing to dump him, maybe he's just chancing his arm and doesn't realise what a problem this is, but you need to make him realise, and realise what the consequences will be. He can't be forced or coerced to change his behaviour, but you don't have to put up with it either.

Ursus Horribilis

I feel lately that plans can't be made due to him wanting to go out, nights out prioritise everything. I am starting to get bored of what has become routine every weekend in the last few months. We don't live together and we don't see each other Friday nights which usually suits us. Saturday day he is with his friends and usually heads out drinking early in the day. I follow him out that night, stay out for the night etc. We do something together hungover on Sunday.

Am I right in reading this as him only starting to behave in this fashion in recent months?

The drinking he's doing certainly points to him being a problem drinker but if this has only happened in recent months, is there something else going on? I wonder is he acting out because he has come to realise that he's in his early thirties now, in a serious relationship and staring down the barrel of grown-up responsibilities. You've not said anything much about your child but I'm going to assume he/she lives with you. You said he lives at home. Has he ever lived away from home? Maybe he's trying to recapture his lost youth? Or maybe (and this wouldn't be what you'd want of course) he's using his drinking as a way to avoid spending proper coupley time with you? Whatever it is, you and him need to have a long talk about where you see this going .

leggo

I was thinking about saying along the lines of what everyone else is, but waiting for you to talk to him and see if that made a difference. What happened there is pretty much worst case scenario. Saying all the right things then just doing what he wants anyway. I say it's worst case because it indicates there is, in fact, a problem there. Before you spoke with him, it could've just been a routine he was in from his single days that had never needed to be adjusted for the relationship because it worked for a time. When he knows it's going to cause a problem in a relationship and still does it anyway? That's pretty much scientific proof.

And, unfortunately, you've also now learned that when you say something to him about it, he'll tell you what you need to hear to keep you quiet, then do what he wants anyway.

Your problem has escalated from 'I want to change it up every now and then on Saturday nights' to 'my partner doesn't respect my concerns, or has a problem and needs help'.

One thing I wouldn't be self-conscious about is being controlling here. Put that out of your mind. A 3-year relationship is quite serious. You're looking at building a life with someone at that stage. You should be high on his priority list, certainly higher than his drinking routine, and if him building his life isn't higher on his priority list than drinking...isn't that a sign of a deeper problem? So you should feel justified in whatever course of action you take here.

The other posters are right to be thinking about your child too, right about now, so I'll just come out and say it: if he does have a drinking problem, is this a person you want to be bringing deep into your child's life? I'm sure they have some kind of relationship already given how long you guys have gone out, and I'm sure it's fine since you didn't mention it affecting that, but don't make excuses for this guy like 'well he only drinks at the weekends and the child is with his father then' or whatever. You need more info on what this guy will be like to live with etc now you're only really discovering the scale of his drinking. It sounds like there's some distance with you guys (e.g. you don't ever do anything on Fridays) for a relationship of 3 years, and there may be some ugly truths you need to be prepared for within those gaps.

So you may have a war on your hands with this. Prepare yourself for that. And know, too, that you can only do so much and eventually you just have to think of you and your child and if you want him in your life, warts and all.

Start straightforward, like you have, just chatting to him about it (although you've already got bad results trying that) and go from there. This may just be a case of him needing a kick up the arse to grow up a bit for the sake of getting a life and a few chats and arguments will cop him on. But be prepared in case it goes the other way too, and know your limits.

clairewithani

If you are with a problem drinker you are right to be concerned. Take it from a problem drinker. They prioritise drink over everything and resent anyone who keeps them from it. You have a young child. You don't need or want this.
Maybe he hasn't a problem and just likes to blow one day a week. I hope that is it but alarm bells would be ringing for me.

daisybelle2008

Unreg149 wrote: »

when I ask him that he says he wants to be in this relationship
....it's like I've become this person that fits into his plans when it suits him.

Of course he wants to, sure he has it all, doesn't have to compromise his lifestyle and sure you will join him in the pub if you want to spend time with him.
I have no idea of the appeal of a relationship with a barfly. You see these guys propping up the local all their lives, and surprisingly they always have a woman backing them up, looking for a bit of attention. Settling for a relationship where they are second to the booze and the local. I wouldn't be having earnest conversations with him, I'd be off Asap. He has made his choice, why do you want to keep nagging someone to spend time with you and would rather get pissed with the lads every weekend. Do you not what more for yourself?

leggo

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Of course he wants to, sure he has it all, doesn't have to compromise his lifestyle and sure you will join him in the pub if you want to spend time with him.
I have no idea of the appeal of a relationship with a barfly. You see these guys propping up the local all their lives, and surprisingly they always have a woman backing them up, looking for a bit of attention. Settling for a relationship where they are second to the booze and the local. I wouldn't be having earnest conversations with him, I'd be off Asap. He has made his choice, why do you want to keep nagging someone to spend time with you and would rather get pissed with the lads every weekend. Do you not what more for yourself?

To be fair, the people I know who'd fit this description past a certain age are all alone, with their latest excuse being they drink because they're 'lonely'. There's only so much people can take.

daisybelle2008

leggo wrote: »

To be fair, the people I know who'd fit this description past a certain age are all alone, with their latest excuse being they drink because they're 'lonely'. There's only so much people can take.

They are not relationship material that's for sure. I think the OP has lasted this long because she is so self conscious about being seen as controlling and has made herself fit around his life to keep him happy and not upset the apple cart.

OP just because he wants to be in a relationship with you doesn't mean you have to keep trying to make this work and ignore your own relationship needs. You really have this guy on a pedestal and have prioritised his needs without looking for much in return. After 3 years he is not taking you seriously as your actions have shown that your needs are not important and second best to you. That doesn't make him a bad guy, after all you have been happy to play second fiddle to the local and prioritise spending your time there with him.

Because he went out the Friday night with you, he feels he has done his weekend 'boyfriend' duties and that frees him up to go on the lash through Sunday. He might move around the couple time in his schedule but you are not going to get more than you have now.
You have a choice keep trying to change him and feeling frustrated and angry, or accept that you are now on different pages and move on. Ironically unless he feels he has lost you this will not give him the impetus to truly evaluate if you are worth changing his priorities.

intheclouds

What a horrible boring way to live life.

I think anyone who habitually drinks during the day and night at the weekend has a problem with drink. An odd time, fine. Every single weekend - its not a good sign at all.

That youve spoken to him about it and still no joy paints an even worse picture.

I think you know yourself that you deserve something better than this?