is there something missing or is it me?

LegacyUser

Hi,

So I met this girl a few months ago online, turned out we had mutual friends which we discovered after we met. Thought she was lovely but first date are hard due to nervousness etc so we met up a week or so for a quick bite after work, bit unplanned and rushed for both of us but I can honestly say that sitting chatting with her was as natural as talking to my friends who I've known for years, like I could say anything not and not catch myself which usually you would a little on the first few dates. Again I thought she was nice but didn't feel a wow spark or anything. We had a little kiss that might nothing more.
I had been dating another girl at the time where the chemistry was just unbelievable between us hadn't felt it in ages but I knew she was probably wrong for me and it wouldn't last but couldn't help being drawn to her. Things ended here after a few dates as I knew it would. However I had stopped dating the first girl to concentrate on the second girl who I haven't spoken to since.
so first girl got in contact a few weeks later saying she was working away for a while but if I fancied grabbing a drink before we left. I said okay and we did. I ended up seeing her twice and staying mum's before she left. Even tho sleeping together was really good hastill felt something was missing, like that spark I had with the other girls. We've kept in contact since she left and genuinely I still get on with her as well as ever and could feel something tiny growing inside me for her. She was back last week for a few days and we spend two days together and again it was so nice and we did all the things together that I like doing, walks, dinner etc. And there is definitely a connection in the bedroom. I still don't feel this amazing wow tho even tho do feel something and it's growing.
She gone back now til Xmas and again then til next year, she wants to keep in contact and make it work long distance. I'm unsure if a) I feel so strong it will work or b) if I want long distance so soon. She asked if I'd visit over the summer, I'm not too sure. If she was still in Ireland I would like to continue to date to see if the feeling grows which I must admit it already is a little. I said let's see in a year but she feels very strongly for me which would be tough to wait a year.
My thoughts are I don't really know her well enough to commit to a year of long distance so soon but I already miss talking to her and I didn't expect to feel this way.

Thanks

SarahMollie

Humm...Firstly, the girl who you had the brief relationship with. Sometimes things feel extra special because we know they are wrong. This level of excitement is rarely sustainable over any significant period of time, but clearly its nice while it lasts. Its not necessary for you to have this intensity of feelings in order to embark on a long term relationship, if indeed this is what you want. Typically I find that the types of feelings that sustain over time, and the ups and downs that life brings, feel very different to what you would experience with a fling. I think you know this from what you've written.

Regarding the other girl. I think its interesting that you say that if distance was no issue, you'd be happy to continue to date her and give things a go. This tells me that you like her and you like the way the relationship is going. However, embarking on a Long Distance Relationship, is a big decision and a big commitment, and it sounds to me that there might not be enough there to justify this as yet.

I think you need to talk to her and explain that on the basis on a few sporadic dates that you're a bit wary of making a commitment that takes you into 2017 (its only May!) but that you are enjoying how things are progressing and want to keep in touch, and just take things as they go. I think its perfectly reasonable not to want to commit to something which can be so difficult when things are in the early stages. If you think visiting her in the summer sounds like fun, then you should do so. But tell her that you want to be honest with her, and not make promises right now that you're not ready to make.

If she's ok with this approach, then great. If not, let her go so she can avoid being hurt.

ManOfMystery

Not every successful relationship starts with massive fireworks and all that. Some are slow burners. Take for example people who are platonic friends for years, then go into a relationship. It sounds like you have something like that with this girl, especially if you're admitting you're starting to have feelings for her. Sometimes these relationships end up succeeding on a deeper and more fulfilling level.

Why not try the LD thing for a while, but discuss it with her beforehand and tell her it's on the understanding that you're quite unsure about committing to something like that, but you're going to give it a try - maybe for a couple of months and then see how you both feel about things, whether it's working or not?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the detailed replies.

I have spelled out exactly where I am as clearly as above even more so maybe. She appreciates this and understands, I guess she's just a bit sad over things. My reason for saying I'd like to continue dating if she was here is that I'd like to see if these feelings develop or not and that's difficult without personal contact I think. I've been hurt badly recently and just really want to avoid that, I know if I fell for her I'd fall bad and if it didn't work long distance I'd be so hurt. There are a few niggle things that I don't like nothing major it's why I'd date more. I feel like maybe it's best to save the hurt if it doesn't work out which I know it won't long distance. Even typing this I'm more confused

ManOfMystery

Well only you can make the final call. I'm a firm believer in nothing ventured, nothing gained. You might end it with this girl and meet a great local girl next week, equally you might not meet anyone and could have missed out on something special here. I tend to go with gut instinct, and on the basis of seizing what's in front of me rather than what might be. Your call ultimately.