Messy housemate

Melisandre121

My housemate is lovely and we get along well but she's messy and never cleans her dishes. I always just do them for her but I'm fed up of it now, I just don't know how to say it to her? I don't want to be too blunt but I need her to start cleaning up after herself. Any tips on how to approach this?

lyinghere

Melisandre121 wrote: »

My housemate is lovely and we get along well but she's messy and never cleans her dishes. I always just do them for her but I'm fed up of it now, I just don't know how to say it to her? I don't want to be too blunt but I need her to start cleaning up after herself. Any tips on how to approach this?

Leave anything that's hers to a specific spot on counter and let it add up. Because you do them already she prob doesn't realise you are even doing it. Out of sight out mind and all that so let her see the product of her mess.

Alternatively you could just mention it for a less passive agrressive approach !!!!

Melisandre121

lyinghere wrote: »

Leave anything that's hers to a specific spot on counter and let it add up. Because you do them already she prob doesn't realise you are even doing it. Out of sight out mind and all that so let her see the product of her mess.

Alternatively you could just mention it for a less passive agrressive approach !!!!

I already let them pile up, but she didn't even notice so I had to clean them

wokingvoter

Melisandre121 wrote: »

My housemate is lovely and we get along well but she's messy and never cleans her dishes. I always just do them for her but I'm fed up of it now, I just don't know how to say it to her? I don't want to be too blunt but I need her to start cleaning up after herself. Any tips on how to approach this?

Of course she's lovely and very agreeable. I would be too if I discovered that my flat mate was apparently very happy to do all the housework without a word of complaint.
Casually but firmly say"hey, we need to sit down and work out a plan for keeping this place tidy. What do you suggest?"

lyinghere

Melisandre121 wrote: »

I already let them pile up, but she didn't even notice so I had to clean them

I think you need to mention it so. Doesn't need to be a drama. Maybe let them pile and just ask is she gonna get around to cleaning them anytime soon

Xterminator

It is possible to have a chat without it getting unpleasant.
Just explain you are not happy to eat & cook in an untidy kitchen 7 that you have been doing the lions share of cleaning, and its not sustainable.

pookie82

"Hey I find myself doing a lot of the dishes, would you be cool with splitting it 50-50 for alternate days?"

I believe you when you say she lets them pile up and doesn't even notice them, I've lived with people over the years who would make your skin crawl with the level of filth they're prepared to live in. You need to be direct and if she's as nice as you say, it shouldn't lead to a row.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

ManOfMystery

I lived with a housemate once who was very like this. Let's call him 'Patrick'. Patrick rarely washed his dishes, and when subtle hints didn't work, we tried just not washing them for him. All that did was cause the pile to grow bigger. Sometimes when there weren't any clean dishes, he would just lift a dirty one off the pile and wash it - so he WAS capable of washing (as if anyone could be incapable), he just wasn't as bothered about it as us. If we asked him, he just said yeah yeah, he'd do it later.

Eventually I decided we had to blunt about it. I got some bright yellow card, cut out a large star shape (think of those star-shaped tags you see on items in a display window with prices on them), and wrote in large letters "Patrick's pile of dirty & unwashed dishes". We set this up on a section of the kitchen counter, and all his dirty dishes were set in a neat tower there. Did the trick after a day or two. Kept a spare star too in case he binned the first or the issue ever came back.

KikiDee

You need to have a word with them OP. As someone said, they probably think you're just gonna do it anyway.

SarahMollie

Some people just dont see dirt. Im not a neat freak by any stretch but I can tell the difference between a clean worktop and one covered in dishes.

A few years ago I was sharing a 3 bed apt. One of our roommates moved out about 2 months before our lease was over so we got a guy in who only wanted a short lease, as we werent planning to renew.

He was a disaster. The kitchen was a constant state. He would cook using every pot and pan and just walk away. We had a house whatsapp group and I was really annoyed when I got home so I took pictures of the mess and sent them to the group. I didnt see him myself until the next day but apparently he approached our other flatmate and said "I think Sarah is pissed off at me but I don't understand why." I then asked him to tidy up after he cooked, and he agreed.

The next time he "tidied up", he simply piled all the dirty dishes in the sink and left them there. I again took pictures and sent over whatsapp. He texted me to say he didnt understand what he'd done wrong. I had to explain that clean meant washed and back in the presses, ready for other peoples use, aka, as you found them.

FFS! There is no getting through to some people. Thankfully the living situation came to an end quickly enough. He was a nice enough guy, extremely smart, but it was like he had an actual blind-spot in this area.

OP - all you can do is point it out and hope she's not as bad as my ex-flatmate

rainbowtrout

Melisandre121 wrote: »

I already let them pile up, but she didn't even notice so I had to clean them

Then say it to her, nothing wrong with being blunt. She's going to keep leaving them there if you keep cleaning them.

All you have to say is: 'Hi, would you mind washing your dishes, I want to be able to use some of them for my meals'. Job done.

Ursus Horribilis

You're going to learn the hard way that when it comes to issues like this, there is no way to deal with them except to speak directly to the person. Hints won't work, nor will passive aggressive behaviour. It's quite likely that your housemate is oblivious to what's going on. As has already been mentioned, some people genuinely don't see there being anything wrong with leaving dirty dishes around. Or on the other hand, maybe they do but seeing as you're cleaning them, they're happy not to bother.

Also, it's better to nip these things in the bud. I learned it the hard way. I think you're learning it now. It's never easy to bring up a matter like this but the sooner you mention it the better.

Melisandre121

Melisandre121 wrote: »

I already let them pile up, but she didn't even notice so I had to clean them

How long did you leave them though?
Leave them till there's nothing left in the cupboard, shell have to do them then

LegacyUser

bubblypop wrote: »

How long did you leave them though?
Leave them till there's nothing left in the cupboard, shell have to do them then

I did that a long number of years ago, I was about a year out of home, and a friend of mine moved in straight out of home. It was mugs with her. There was two others in the house, and we left the mugs in my friends room until there was none left. Tbh, the mugs in her room had mould, they were that disgusting. She didn't seem to care a bit. Nor did having no mugs left motivate her to clean the ones in her room.

I'd never do that passive-aggressive approach again (which a fair few people here seem to be suggesting). Looking back, I'd say it to the person. I know it's really annoying if someone behaves like a slob when sharing a house - but to be fair, if they're not pulled up on their behaviour, it is a bit unfair to expect them to magically cop on.

solerina

It's a bit childish but I suggest getting a small pile of the things you need, cups, plates, cutlery etc. Keep them hidden and use them yourself, surely she will wash up when she can't find anything clean to use !! Maybe she might even take the rather glaring hint !!

Faith

All of these passive-aggressive approaches will do nothing except piss everyone off and ensure you always get walked all over by housemates.

OP, you need to talk directly to her, no matter how much you want to avoid that. Unfortunately, part of being an adult involves doing things we don't want to. Just say something casual and direct like "Hey Mary, would you mind washing up your dishes after you use them? The kitchen gets really untidy, and I think it's fairest if we both make sure that we always clean up after ourselves."

Chances are she'll be mortified and she'll say "Of course, yeah, I'm sorry!".

Then if she doesn't clean up again, the next time say "Mary, could you clean your dishes as soon as you get a chance? I need to use the kitchen. Thanks!"

As long as you say it in a casual, relaxed but firm, non-bossy, non-nagging way, there should be no tension.

LynnGrace

Totally agree with Faith. Just approach it in a straightforward manner, and take things from there. The passive aggressive approach will annoy the person taking the approach, in my opinion, and the messy person will remain, (or choose to remain) oblivious to it.

The Raptor

I'm having a similar issue with a housemate. She won't clean her hair from the shower. Leaves it all over the place. Dropping hints didn't work. Saying it to her didn't work either.

Faith

The Raptor wrote: »

I'm having a similar issue with a housemate. She won't clean her hair from the shower. Leaves it all over the place. Dropping hints didn't work. Saying it to her didn't work either.

Say it to her every time she doesn't clean it out. Every. Time.

Here's the thing: We all have bad habits. Every single one of us does things that would annoy another person. Anyone who has ever lived with housemates has something to complain about regarding their housemates. Think of the bad habits that you'd indulge in if you lived alone. Now, if you lived with a passive housemate who put up with anything, what is the motivation for curbing those bad habits? OP's housemate is probably thinking "Melisandre121 is happy to wash the dishes, so there's no reason that I should bother doing it". When The Raptor [finally] asked his/her housemate to clean her hair from the shower, s/he didn't reinforce that by bringing up the next time it happened.

Housemates typically have no ties or obligations towards each other. It's like if an equal-level co-worker asked you to do something that you really didn't want to do, but then never mentioned it again. It's likely you wouldn't do it. But if they came past your desk every day and asked you to do it until it became routine, you'd be much more likely to do it because you knew it was important, rather that them just being fussy that one day.

wokingvoter

The first time I shared a flat with others(as opposed to living alone in bedsits, which I had been) I was informed on the evening I moved in that I would have to wash dry and put away after myself every time, leave the bathroom exactly as I found it, and not leave my belongings strewn around. I was told that there was a general cleaning and tidying session on Saturday mornings which was mandatory.
This was totally natural and non aggressive, passive or otherwise, to me and I can't understand why flat mates don't make this clear to one another now.
Either that or say, "the rent is €100 per week plus €20 each for a cleaner because we don't want to be bothered with cleaning ".
What is the problem?!?

woodchuck

I'm shocked at the volume of posts that are suggesting the passive aggressive route!

Next time it happens, just as her to clean it up because you want to use the pot/pan. What's the issue?

wokingvoter

woodchuck wrote: »

I'm shocked at the volume of posts that are suggesting the passive aggressive route!

Next time it happens, just as her to clean it up because you want to use the pot/pan. What's the issue?

That's when you get "ooooohhh so sorry! if I don't get to my Pilates class on time I'm locked out! Cheek ! the classes are €20 a pop! Anyhoooo...would you mind just washing it for me this time .... I promise I'll do the whole lot tomorrow.... Jesus look at the time....right I'm gone ...see ya later!"

hdowney

wokingvoter wrote: »

That's when you get "ooooohhh so sorry! if I don't get to my Pilates class on time I'm locked out! Cheek ! the classes are €20 a pop! Anyhoooo...would you mind just washing it for me this time .... I promise I'll do the whole lot tomorrow.... Jesus look at the time....right I'm gone ...see ya later!"

My answer would be something with either 'well you'd better be quick about it then hadn't you'. Or 'the fee for my cleaning services is 20 euro a go'!

ahnow

Just say it to them straight! "Hey, can we bring in a rule where we start washing the dishes as we go? I feel like I'm often having to do your dishes as well as mine because they're left to build up and its starting to stress me out".

fluffybiscuits

Just say

"All your dishes etc. are in x place in the kitchen, if you get a chance can you clean them up cheers!"

Problem solved

Lux23

How about you get a basin to put her dirty dishes in, tell her that you're just putting them aside until she has time to do them herself. She might cop on then. Leaving them on the counter is bound to drive you mad.

retro:electro

I used to live with a girl who did exactly this. One day we told her the dishwasher stopped working so we all had to wash our own dishes from now on, FYI we never even had a dishwasher but she didn't even realise this and was like "oh okay ya no problem". She still didn't get the message and never washed as much as a spoon so the passive aggressive approach didn't work. If I had the opportunity again I'd just say it straight out, "could you start washing up after yourself the kitchen is getting really cluttered with your dishes everywhere". No "when you get the chance/could you please/would you mind washing etc etc".. Just a straight up "wash up after yourself thanks" should suffice.