How to make it till I leave

LegacyUser

Hi,

Hoping there are some people here that can give me some encouragement as I'm very low tonight

I'm in a nonexistent relationship. He cheated many years ago and its been impossible to recover what was there.

He has no remorse, just none. It took him a year to apologise for it he could see nothing wrong. I took him back because he lied he was sorry but then caught him at online sex chats after we'd tried to give it a go again.

At that stage I had a depressive breakdown that cost me my job and it took 3 years to heal (I'm depressive with a suicidal history). He wasn't all to blame, I have serious issues from childhood but I think it all got too much for me. He did step up as a father in this period which shocked me as he'd originally walked away from the family with no backward glance but I was neglecting my duties as a mother during that time I was seriously depressed and he changed the way he parented at least from that period.

Now the children are getting a bit big I went back to college and am looking forward to a job for financial independence as I can't take the loneliness and feelings of rejection any more. His constant cheating online means I stopped sleeping with him years ago but he pretends we're together to his family which drives me mad. I have little dealing with them since the time he left and its not my place to say anything to them really as I dontt have any issues with them per se and don't want to extend our issues to the children's relationship with his family.

I just feel I can't manage much longer living in this house with him. The kids adore him but we don't share rooms and they are beginning to ask questions ad we are just strangers unless its talking about the kids, money, shared car etc....

I miss being with someone I love and care about and have no idea when if ever I'll have enough money to move out if I do get work. The idea of the kids not seeing both parents regularly enough as well frightens me but my parents were in a joyless, nasty marriage and I want to avoid that situation permanently myself although currently suffering it.

How do others cope in these circumstances? I have never fully recovered my confidence and he genuinely doesn't care what his behaviour does to me sometimes I just wish he'd disappear I feel disgusted and ill if he even brushes past me.

I'll never be completely healed unless I live without him but I'm tied for the time being due to money and I'm just so sad about it all.

Thanks

Xterminator

Hi Op

I can understand how the situation has left you feeling low. I think anyone would struggle to deal with those issues and still come out smiling.

So first thing i would do is congratulate you on your strength and resilience.

i love that you have not lost sight of trying to give your children the best upbringing you can at some cost to your own happiness. i personally think its the right thing to do, but i know a number of people who obviously dont think that way.

I assume you are still in college and working towards the day when you graduate, and look for that dream job that will bring financial independence?

Can you look on the bright side and congratulate yourself for not accepting your lot, but working towards a way you can get your life back. Because you should. and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Best wishes

X