Leaving his son behind...

LegacyUser

Myself and my husband have two kids age 4 and 5, and he has an 11yr old son from a previous marriage. His elderly parents live in Europe and are both in ill health - he is an only child. They are not in a position to move to Ireland to be closer to us. We have made the difficult decision to move over there (France) to be closer to them and support them in their old age. I have a small family here in ireland and am not close to them, so while I will miss friends etc, it really isn't a difficult decision for me and I'm quite excited at the prospect of a new life and 're-inventing' myself so to speak.

He has had a difficult relationship with his ex, and despite 4 court cases regarding access to his son, none of the agreements have ever been adhered to and we see his son when it suits him or his mother really. Some months, this could be every Saturday and Sunday, other months it could be one weekend, depending on whether he has a sleepover with his own pals etc.

We have recently told the mother that we are moving - we are buying a big enough house to have a room for his son and have plans to continue to include him in our lives as much as possible, having him over for mid term breaks, summer holidays and so on. His mother has told us that we can't see him anymore as we have broken his heart and she won't allow us to continue to do so..she says she won't allow him travel to see us.

We are both heartbroken needless to say. My husband is still determined to go and has reminded me that his son has a huge extended family here (grandparents, aunts, uncles etc) while our kids have none of that and will be building a relationship with grandparents over there.

I am just wondering if we are making the right decision in leaving this boy behind..there is no possibility that we could bring him with us. it's quite an emotional subject for me and I can't talk to my friends about it without crying - I'd appreciate outsiders thoughts thanks.

intheclouds

Why cant the grandparents move from France to Ireland?

As an outsider looking in it sounds to me like your husband will be leaving his eldest son, and you will be leaving your own small family and both of you will be leaving friends.

It sounds like the logical solution would be for them to move here rather than you two move there? That way no one gets left behind or unsupported etc... However, I understand that elderly people may not be open to such a move.

Regardless of how decent the 11 year old mother is regarding access (and not very decent by the sounds of it), it is not a pleasant prospect for an 11 year old that his father is just moving to another country with his newer family. I can understand how the child will be upset by this.

Of course if his mother was supportive you could put a positive spin on this about the opportunity for him to spend time in France and learning French and having summers there etc... But if his mother instead wishes to put a negative spin on this there is not much you can do about that.

Its not an easy decision for you and I dont envy you.

If I can be brutally honest it sounds a bit cold for your husband to justify things with the 11 year old having a huge extended family. He is still the childs father, a huge extended family is not a father.

Pawwed Rig

intheclouds wrote: »

Why cant the grandparents move from France to Ireland?

Any number of reasons.
1. They may not speak English,
2. They have relatives and friends where they live,
3. They have house property familiarity,
4. A warmer climate may suit them,
5. Getting them a place/care in Ireland is horrendously expensive and the health system is decrepid.

intheclouds

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Any number of reasons.
1. They may not speak English,
2. They have relatives and friends where they live,
3. They have house property familiarity,
4. A warmer climate may suit them,
5. Getting them a place/care in Ireland is horrendously expensive and the health system is decrepid.

Absolutely agree - thats why I asked what the reason was.

Even without any of the above, the grandparents simply may not be into moving at their stage in life. I think that that is completely acceptable - however, the OPs partner has a child that he cannot bring on a country move, and if that childs mother is going to be difficult then he may not get to see his child very much if at all for a period of time. So he needs to weigh up the importance of that relationship and the damage that could be done to the child over such a move.

As I said - I dont envy anyone in that situation.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you have to do what is right for you and your family. Access to your husband's son is intermittent at best. Your time is already being cut in favour of friends. As he gets more into the teen years that is only likely to get worse.

I say this from the point of view of a step parent. We saw very little of my husband's daughter once she started secondary school. We went from seeing her every weekend, to the odd weekend, to a week or 2 over school holidays. We'd occassionally call to see her just for a couple of hours in the evening time and meet her in a coffee shop or whatever... But only if she could "fit us in"!

Have you spoken to him since breaking the news? You're up against it with his mother, but if you could get to talk to him and reassure him. Put the positive spin on it. His mother cannot dictate to you how to live your lives. She can't hold you to ransom. Many children nowadays have a parent abroad.

Mine may be an unpopular opinion, but at the end of the day you have to do what is right for the majority. You can still have a relationship with him and you have offered ways to facilitate that. Let the dust settle for a while and things will probably work out.

LegacyUser

OP here.

His parents can't come here for almost all of the reasons quoted by Pawed Rig - his father is quite debilitated and while he could live for the next 10yrs, he couldn't make the journey to Ireland without it affecting his health.
As a mother myself, I slightly agree that my husband sounds 'cold' when he mentions the fact that his son has an extended family here - however, he has years and years of court attendances and battles with his ex and is at a bit of a turning point with the whole thing. He is sick to death of the battles (as am I!) himself in relation to the boy coming over to see us or not.
You are also right when you say that the boy himself is gradually coming over less and less due to the local disco/a sleepover or whatever, and we know this will continue. We understand all of this and were expecting it anyway.
I know we have to do what is right for our family and we believe that the move is the right thing for us, but as I said, I'm concerned about my stepson.

groovyg

I think you have to do what's right for your family. If you stay for the sake of the stepson its not going to improve the current situation or relationship thats there already. The person that your husband should be telling is his son and not doing it through the mother as she's already landing the guilt trip on your shoulders even though she has made it very difficult for him to have access.
As you said its been a battle ground in terms of access and its understandable your husband is worn out. Your step son is 11 and is moving towards teenage years where hanging out with his friends and doing activities with them will probably feature higher on his list of priorities than meeting up with his dad. You have skype, and all sorts of apps to communicate with him, I think people probably communicate more by text, fb, skype now than actually sit down and have chat with each other.

Oedo

What if your husband comes back here say 6 times a year to spend a full weekend with his son? If he commits to that then the idea of separation for the 11 year old won't be as bad, especially if they share a calendar marking when he'll be back here.

Also I personally don't think it's fair to expect an 11 year old to do all the travelling in order to maintain the relationship - sure it'll be exciting the first couple of times, but it'll soon become tedious for him especially when he's leaving his friends behind.

Big Bag of Chips

I would agree that as the dad is moving away, the onus should be on him to maintain the relationship, not the son. If you move, could your husband even come back once a month, or every 6 weeks. I think in time the son himself will want to travel to see you, and his mam won't have much of a say.

SouthernBelle

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I would agree that as the dad is moving away, the onus should be on him to maintain the relationship, not the son. If you move, could your husband even come back once a month, or every 6 weeks. I think in time the son himself will want to travel to see you, and his mam won't have much of a say.

This was my first thought too.

IvoryTower

Do 11 year old fly on their own?!