How do I stop being picky?

LegacyUser

I am a 29 year old guy and I'm having a bit of trouble on the dating scene. The main problem being that I rarely go on any dates!

I'm actually a shy and modest guy but most of my female friends and girls I have dated in the past said I'm handsome, although I don't see it myself! So the problem isn't with girls not being interested, but rather that I'm not interested in 99% of girls.

I know it seems bizarre, but if I was on Tinder, I may swipe left on maybe 49 out of 50 girls, and that's no exaggeration. Maybe it's the ease of using that app that has caused me to be very picky about who I date. I know that I regularly look at one picture on a girl's profile and think that she is quite attractive, but the more I look through the other photos I convince myself that she's not for me.

I don't know why I do this. I've only had one serious relationship in the past and I really want to find that special someone again. I guess a part of it is my reluctance to go on a date with someone I'm not 100% attracted to. All too often in the past I've been 15 minutes into the date and know this girl isn't the one for me and I have to go through the motions of pretending to be interested.

I know some of the girls I've matched with on Tinder are attractive in the general sense (as in most guys would be attracted to them), but they're just not attractive to me. I've gone on dates before with girls that were good looking and I've ended up in bed with them and not been able to perform, which was very embarrassing.

By the way, I know what I've said above sounds very shallow, but relationships must have some form of physical attraction. Unfortunately in my situation, Tinder is the only way for me to meet women. I don't drink or like pubs or clubs and my social circle doesn't include many women!

Even typing this out sounds ridiculous, but I've no idea how to get over my pickiness. It's really a silly problem to have, but I feel if I just start dating girls that I am so unsure about, I'd be just lying to myself.

batmanrobin

Honestly, OP, you're not being picky. There's no point wasting time with people you're not attracted to. Tinder is difficult as often you only have a few pics to work from. You could see a person on tinder and swipe no, but see them in real life and there could be something about them that catches your eye.

Like you, I've been on dates and I'd know straight away that I have no interest in a second date. I don't see it as being picky. If I feel zero sexual attraction, I'm not going to waste my time or theirs. It's the downside to dating - you have to just keep putting yourself out there until you meet someone you really do click with.

It can be frustrating at times. However, I like to put a positive spin on it and tell myself that well at least I'm putting myself out there, I'm getting to know different people and I'm having conversations about things I might never have had a conversation about before.

Just try and enjoy it for what it is.

beks101

Ah, tinder.

TBH I think too much tinder will do this to anyone. The very act of swiping right on a profile doesn't exactly lend itself to meaningful interaction with another human being, so much as viewing someone as a one-dimensional bunch of static portraits amid a sea of one-dimensional static portraits. I think it breeds this sort of "people are disposable" attitude whereby it's so easy to find someone new that you don't really invest too much in getting to know anyone.

The litmus test for me is - would I have "swiped right" on my OH if I'd met him on tinder? And the answer is probably not. "Not tall enough...wrong age...different hobbies..." yada yack. Because I wouldn't have really seen him; instead I'd have seen a few awkward pics that tell me nothing about him and made a quick (wrong) judgement call.

Now fair enough, you don't drink and live in zero-dating-culture Ireland, but I think you're putting far too much stock in tinder and taking it far too seriously, probably because it's your only port of call. That and maybe a few 'meh' dates (which is part and parcel of the dating scene) and putting your one relationship on a pedastal to which these mediocre dates fail to compare.

Now by all means, attraction is a must. But attraction can be hard to gauge online. Does she look like someone you'd do a double take for if she passed you by on the street? Is she pretty and happy and warm to you? On top of liking her photos, do you have banter? Do you bounce off each other in conversation? Because the thing is, if you're not going on these dates with these random people that you may or may not be attracted to, you're ruling yourself out of the race entirely for a 'wow' date that takes your breath away. Why not put yourself outside of your comfort zone, go on a few dates with some people you're unsure of? If nothing it's a chance to work on your social skills and maybe make a friend or two.

Aside from that, I'd say you should be investing more in your offline world too as a means to meeting someone. The advantage with that is that you're not left second guessing as to whether or not you fancy someone when you meet them in person. Do you have any hobbies where you could meet women, any mates that have mates that may interest you, any work events you could be going to? I did lots of online dating when I was single but my last three boyfriends I met at work, through friends and on holidays - sometimes online isn't for everyone.

LegacyUser

I'm going to throw another spin on this. Have you ever thought that maybe it's not their physical being that you're not attracted to but rather their personality? As you've said,you've went on dates with attractive women and even ended up in bed with them but cannot perform. You haven't mentioned anything about personality? Of course there has to be a physical attraction, but my physical attraction and yours could be complete polar opposites. Personality plays a bigger part than a lot of people realise.
Even when I used to swipe through on tinder, no matter how good looking a guy is,if he has a picture with 15 other lads pissed off their heads and drooling/sweating on themselves I will swipe no based on the fact I know our personalities will not gel.
Just something to think about

SarahMollie

Beks makes a really good point. Tinder is making you think in a way thats very transnational.

No one is saying that you should flog a dead horse by persisting where you know deep down that there is nothing there, but equally, by writing people off straight away just because they're not 100% perfect according to some predetermined list is only ever going to limit you.

I think I used to be a bit like you, only accepting things if they appeared to be perfect and therefore rejecting a lot.

My OH maybe wouldn't have lived up to those strict criteria, but hes so much better than that in ways I couldn't have even imagined back then.

He's smart, and strong, and active, and incredibly witty and compliments me in so many ways. He's also a bit ginger (previous deal breaker in my more shallow days) but now I think hes just so handsome

silverharp

I don't think the "human mammal" can keep up with the likes of Tinder. A lot of attraction is subconscious and happening at a biological level so you have to be face to face with people and taking in all the signals and social signals that people give off. Trying to order people off a menu sounds like the pits, try to meet people in real life , via friends or through personal interests.

Turtle_

Why tinder? Would you not try something like plenty of fish?

LegacyUser

Eh I think you need to get off tinder. The whole idea I find nauseating. And from your description of it, it doesn't lend itself easily to any kind of meaningful connection with anyone. But I think there's something very sad the way the human race is going in terms of sexuality and dating etc. We need to relearn the innate human ability to actually connect. If she's pretty great, but look past it. Get into her mind and thoughts. It's all tied up with the way sex is portrayed on screen and our increasing reliance on it.
The proliferation of every imaginable kind of sex and body desired is watchable at the click of a mouse or the touch of a screen. Just one person and a screen. Nobody real is ever needed. Unless they meet the physical criteria of these perfect obliging and willing objects, and have no mind, needs and emotions themselves like a computer generated cyborg specimen dreamed up and created by a tech nerd who never leaves his basement.

It breeds an almost sociopathic relationship with the opposit sex where any real emotional and physical connection with a human is rendered obsolete or feared as sexuality has been replaced with the quick high of self gratification in front of pixels..then in the real world any trace of emotions and the sense that this is a real and breathing organism with mind and soul creates anxiety and fear, and the ensuing inability to perform. There's no mouse to click next! I can't manipulate this video to the right spot! I don't like her face at that angle why can't I click out of this situation. I can't zoom in on this, she's looking at me weird I can't focus on her AND me this is impossible, sex should be all about me looking at a body doing things, I shouldn't have to actually be involved and think of someone else's enjoyment should I? Absolute absense of the ability to form real connections and this will happen. Same goes for dating, relationship, etc.

Got side tracked there, all I'm saying is you need to get off these dating apps, move away from the internet and get out there in the world where you'll find yourself attracted to people that if you had seen pixelated flat on a screen you may not feel any attraction but in reality attraction is way more complex than
that.

woodchuck

To everyone bad mouthing Tinder, it CAN and does work. I met my boyfriend on Tinder nearly a year ago and I know several other women who have met long term partners on there too. It's a way to facility meeting new people. Unfortunately when it comes to meeting people in real life, the majority of people seem to need dutch courage late at night in a club. If like me you're not into the clubbing scene, it can be difficult to meet people in 'real life'. Tinder and other dating apps/sites do help with this.

OP you mentioned that you might initially find someone attractive from their picture, but then basically talk yourself out of it? I think you're overthinking it tbh! Real attraction can't be determined until you meet in real life. So if you're in any way attracted to someones photo, swipe right, and strike up a chat. When you're chatting you'll get a much better idea as to whether you're willing to meet up. And then when you meet up, obviously you'll know whether or not you want to meet them again. Unfortunately you will go on a lot of dates where you know in the first 5 minutes that they're not for you. That's just the way it is. But maybe just arrange quick coffee dates, that way you're not wasting too much time. And the more dates you go on, the more you'll start to learn what your own likes and dislikes in a potential partner are.

Another question you might need to ask yourself is if you actually want a relationship? Why do you keep talking yourself out of swiping right? There must be a reason, and it's possible it goes beyond pickiness.

meeeeh

I have couple of friends who used to be very picky. They were also very insecure about themselves. If there is nobody good enough that means you don't have to approach anyone. How many of those girls who were 'not good enough' would you ignore if they approached you?