Should I tell him?

LegacyUser

Before I start, I just want to say that I just want help with the one question I ask at the end, not the whole suggestion of counselling etc..

A few years ago on holidays I was drugged and tbh I don't really know what happened, last memory was being in a club ( 2nd bar we been to that night ,so i wasnt even drunk) and then apart from a few hazy memories the next thing I remember is being kicked out of a house in the middle of nowhere... I remembering walking for ages and coming upon a hotel, which was closed as it was middle of the night, only security at the door, but he wouldn't leave me in as I was crying and looked a right mess and obviously wasnt a guest at the hotel.

I managed to find a taxi who brought be back to my apartment block. The next day I woke up and look long story short, it was obvious something happened that night as I was bleeding etc. But I buried my head in the sand, and got on with the holiday, shock I guess I dunno.

Anyways I just tried to forget about it, but more and more lately it keeps popping into my mind, and I know I have to deal with it, but what am i meant to say to a counselor ? I was young and stupid and I dont really remember, apart from the obvious signs afterwards.

Sorry long point to get to what I want to ask. As I keep thinking about it I keep getting anxiety. Im with a really really lovely guy with the past two years , but he isnt big into talking about feelings etc, and thats fine by me, i dont want to either!!!.

But I kinda want to tell him, it will explain why I can be so needy or turn up at his house wanting a hugs or validation cause I'm panicking.

Im just worried it will make him think differently of me, or that he go off me as not to hurt me or something

I kept it a secret from everyone else up to now, do I really need to be sharing the burden?

Merkin

I'm so sorry his happened to you. I think you should go and see a counsellor and hopefully they will help you decide whether to address this issue with your boyfriend and if so, what to say.

I hate to bring this up but did you have STI screening after the assault? If so then this would be a good thing to be able to reassure your partner. If not, then get tested and hopefully you'll receive a clean bill of health and this too will be a comfort if you decide to disclose.

I think counselling would really help you. I hope you begin to feel better soon xx

LegacyUser

Anon67 wrote: »

But I kinda want to tell him, it will explain why I can be so needy or turn up at his house wanting a hugs or validation cause I'm panicking.

Is he questioning this need or turning you away? If not, then you don't have to tell him for those reasons. We all need things from our partners, some of which we can't explain, some of which we shouldn't have to explain, some of which is probably obvious to them even if it's not to us and so on. If he has accepted your needs and he's happy to meet them without needing you to justify your feelings, then you shouldn't tell him just because of these reasons.

I suspect, however, that you *want* to tell him and that's very different. I think you have carried this on your own for a long time, maybe you feel it's time to put it down and rest your head about it a bit. I think that'd be a great idea, whether you do it by counselling or by sharing it with him. For what it's worth, I also think you should start with counselling, which might turn out to be just enough, or maybe will help you approach telling your partner in a better frame of mind about it.

I also think he probably knows already. Not specifics, but unless he's a complete insensitive idiot, which I'm guessing he's not or you wouldn't be still going for hugs, he has almost certainly spent some time mulling over the possibilities of your past based on what you've shown him so far. It's to his credit that he has left the door open for you to talk, but not asked you out straight. For that reason, I reckon he won't react badly if you decide to tell him. You know him best though and that's your decision. Best of luck with whatever you do decide.

Xterminator

Hi OP

I think your primary concern should be to get yourself right. this has had a serious impact on you (perfectly natural) and you may need to do more than 'try to forget' to get past this issue. If you were in a better place in your own head, the decision over whether to tell you partner might seem easier to make.

If you trust him 100% and know he can deal with it, and if you think it would be of benefit to you - perhaps you should tell him. But i'd suggest you call rape crisis centre T: 091 563 676, and discuss counseling options.

best wishes

X

dixiefly

Personally if you were my daughter or sister i would advise that you tell your bf considering how serious it is. would agree that it would be best to speak to a councillor first, both if general and specifically regarding how to broach ot with your bf.

LegacyUser

Try talk to someone about it preferably a councillor. Personally I don't think you should dump this on your boyfriend when it happened Years ago and you have done nothing about it yourself. Talk to a professional first for his advice. Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

You say you know you need to go to a counsellor, but what would you say. You'd say exactly as you put it in your post. Unfortunately counsellors have heard the story before. They won't be shocked. They certainly won't think you being young or whatever somehow caused you to be attacked.

Whether or not you tell your bf is completely up to you. It seems like for the first time in your life it seems like the right thing to do. So I think you should. He mightn't be big into talking about feelings, but this is something different. Do you doubt his feelings for you? When you show up at his door needing a hug or comfort, does he willingly give it? If he does, then he cares about you. And if he cares about you he would want to protect you when you go through this. If you go to counselling it will be very difficult for you. You will be facing what happened. To have your bf's support while you go through it would be a huge help to you.

If he reacts badly, or turns his back on you then maybe it's for the best. Life isn't easy. As you move on and get older you are likely to come up against various tough times. If your bf shows now that he isn't capable of supporting you through a bad time, it might be worth thinking would he be any better down the line?

LegacyUser

As someone who is the partner of someone who was abused and sexually assaulted prior to getting together, let me just knock in with my 2c.

There are probably lots of other impacts to your life (that may or may not already be issues) which will stem from what happened to you. Your BF has a right to know, if for no other reason than he can maybe get some support himself on how best to be your partner. I don't mean going around telling everyone what happened, but even just online anonymous support. I would say he already has a feeling there's something happening- I know I did- even though you haven't specifically said. You're together 2 years- that's not an insignificant amount of time.

And what may happen in the future is you may pull away from him, not only when you're maybe feeling withdrawn but also sexually. That really hurts, when you don't know what's happening or why. I have real issues with my self-confidence because my partner doesn't want sex with me (or anyone, to be fair), because of stuff she's working through. If I didn't know what had happened and what was going on in her head, then I'd find it hard to stay, because sex is very important to me.

You guys are a team, a partnership. If you love him, and trust him, then I'd advise you to tell him. He may freak out a little and get angry that this happened- it's anger and the situation, not you. That'll never really go away (at least it hasn't for me, when I think about the guy who assaulted my GF I really find it difficult to stay calm) but he's allowed those feelings too.

Good luck, OP.

LegacyUser

hi there op, im sorry to hear about what happened to you. I think the general consensus is conselling but i would also tell your partner, i held off doing so and in many ways it was what ended my relationship - my ex had a very strong suspicion that something had happened before we meet but i kept denying it. for me saying it out loud would make it real. And the thing is the damage it does is very real whether recollection is hazy or not etc. Ive only recently started dealing with it and can see how far the ripples spread from it. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you look after yourself first and foremost

LegacyUser

Yes I have been screened for STI afterwards and every year since. I'm all okay there thankfully.

Sorry I was just having a bad night last night. If i have a quiet night recently i then to overthink everything, and that is where i can come off as needy if he isnt around, tbh he doesnt mind too much, he is there to comfort me. He knows not to push it. I'm very lucky to have him.

Its true what one reply was, I shouldnt burden him with this just to make myself feel better.

Like I said I was just having one of those bad nights.

eviltwin

You don't need to talk to the counsellor about the actual event - which you can't anyway if you have no real memory of it.

You talk about the feelings around it and part of that will include your feelings about telling your boyfriend. No one can tell you if telling him is the right thing for you, in an ideal world we would be comfortable sharing this information with our partners but its not always the right thing to do or the right time to do it.

Not telling him now doesn't mean you never tell him, your counsellor will help you identify the right time and give you the language to share your experience with him.

There is a chance he might not respond well to it or be able to handle it but he might also be a really great support for you. Maybe explore it a bit more with a counsellor and discuss how best to bring the subject up so that you will be able to handle any questions he might have and deal with any negative reactions in a positive way.

LegacyUser

I think you should tell him. But I also think you should take some counselling. What happened to you was traumatic. You want to forget which is normal, but unfortunately that is not how the brain works. If you ignore or push something down you will never be happy. You need to properly get over it. Then you can move on (fully).

In relation to what would you say to someone, well just tell the story. It wasn't your fault. You weren't 'young and stupid'.

x

Irish_Elect_Eng

Agree with other posters, you owe it to yourself to deal with the fallout of what happened, heal and move forward, think of it as a investment in a happy future you.

Tell your boyfriend. I believe that if your boyfriend cares for you before you tell him that he will continue to do so afterwards. It may even strengthen your relationship when he realizes how much it took you to tell him and how much trust you put in him by being vulnerable and telling him. You will also be giving him that information he needs to support you when you have bad days.

Best of Luck, be kind to yourself.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Jimmy Bottlehead

OPhere125 wrote: »

Yes I have been screened for STI afterwards and every year since. I'm all okay there thankfully.

Sorry I was just having a bad night last night. If i have a quiet night recently i then to overthink everything, and that is where i can come off as needy if he isnt around, tbh he doesnt mind too much, he is there to comfort me. He knows not to push it. I'm very lucky to have him.

Its true what one reply was, I shouldnt burden him with this just to make myself feel better.

Like I said I was just having one of those bad nights.

OP, if it's still in your head, then you likely do need to address it. Simply pushing it down isn't likely to go well.

As suggested, counselling would be a good place to start. Get your own head around it before involving your boyfriend or deciding on what to do.

I wish you the very best of luck with this.