Concerns about future - do I wait until after holiday to raise?

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm a 28 year old female. I've been with my boyfriend who is 30 for 4 months so all quite new but great. Our jobs are very different though - he is a jobbing actor, I am in a demanding office job.

As he is finishing a theatre contract he has a chance to go on holiday for the first time in ages and has asked me to go with him. I want to go, it sounds lovely, all is paid for. Although we are not together long I think we would have a great time. My concern is that I feel he only asked me as none of his friends could come rather than because he wanted to go with me specifically. Also, since we booked, some auditions have come up for roles filming abroad but when I asked him what that would mean for our relationship he glossed over the point. I only raised it once as tbh I'm afraid of his honest answer as it's early days to be separated if he gets sent away.

I'm worried he would dump me if he had to go abroad for a role and I have the urge to ask him if that's the case. I have been hurt badly by two exes and this is my first attempt to date seriously in a year. I haven't told my parents about him yet as don't want to make a fuss about him until I feel he will be around long term as I can't face their well intentioned sympathy if he dumps me soon after. However I can't go on hols and not tell them as they'd be hurt. He hasn't reassured me by glossing over the issue of our future and by making it clear no one else was an option as a holiday mate but has made some nice gestures such as introducing me to his parents (not in a big meet the parents way though, just because we'll meet them on the holiday so he wanted us to meet once prior).

The holiday is paid for. Should I go and see how things play out? Or should I have a talk with him now, risking the outcome being that he doesn't see any future and I'll have ended things sooner than they had to end? Or that he'll think I'm being too intense so early on and will be put off?

Thanks in advance and sorry for length.

LegacyUser

Speaking as someone working in the same field (all be it on the other side of the camera) I think the reason he is glossing over is because he just doesn't know. Film work is very much word of mouth/who you know a lot of the time and jobs pop up out of the blue. You'll have people call about jobs months down the line and some end up happening and many don't so it can hard to plan or give details to folk. It's a tough business no matter which side of the camera you are on. For people working standard 9 to 5 type jobs it can be a hard world to understand.

Why do you think if he got a role overseas that you would break up? You are aware none of these jobs are full time. A film shot would be an average of 6 weeks unless he's a headline star in a big action film and even then that's a couple of months. My dad was in the army and gone for as much as 18 months overseas and my parents marriage didn't end. Even if he is filming local the hours are long - I've averaged 16 hour days on several film shots. It's not the most social of jobs and that can be tough for someone doing regular hours to adapt to. There can also be long periods of no work which has both positives and negatives.

Maybe you weren't first choice for the break as you've only been going out a short while but he has asked you so why not go on the break and see how you gel? Unless its a super long holiday I'm not seeing why at 28 you need to tell your parents anything beyond your going on a holiday. You may find you don't work as a couple but at least you know early on.

batmanrobin

How much fun are you going to have on holiday if all of this is going around your head? You said you've been hurt twice before, well you're in a position to stop that from happening this time round. Sit him down and just explain to him that given the nature of his job, you'd like to know where you stand in terms of your relationship. Might as well have that conversation at 4 months rather than a year later.

Mr. Incognito

batmanrobin wrote: »

How much fun are you going to have on holiday if all of this is going around your head? You said you've been hurt twice before, well you're in a position to stop that from happening this time round. Sit him down and just explain to him that given the nature of his job, you'd like to know where you stand in terms of your relationship. Might as well have that conversation at 4 months rather than a year later.

Do not do this- it's only four months

He has a holiday booked. He has offered that you go.

Either go because you want to or not.

Stop overthinking the future

daisybelle2008

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Do not do this- it's only four months

He has a holiday booked. He has offered that you go.

Either go because you want to or not.

Stop overthinking the future

Agree with this. OP you are looking for a lot of security and validation in very early days. A holiday at this stage should be fun, getting to know each other. Deciding if YOU like him. You are looking for guarantees and commitment, mainly because you have been hurt before and want to ensure it doesn't happen again. That is not the frame of mind for a healthy relationship. It's only 4 months you should be going because you think it will be fun, fullstop. You seem very insecure and looking for security from him.
You need to feel secure enough in yourself that you don't care what happens, just give it a go and know you will be fine regardless. And who cares what your parents think? That should be irrelevant. OP you are projecting a lot of emotional heaviness into the situation. Maybe you are not ready for this?. Your fear of rejection is going to stop you being yourself and enjoying things for what they are. Maybe leave relationships off the cards until you are over your exes.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you are looking for problems where there are none.

Maybe after your previous experiences you're not quite ready for a relationship yet. Nothing you have posted makes me think you are the stand by option. You either believe that or you don't. can't log in gives a good insight. Unless he's planning on emigrating I can't see why going off to work for a few weeks could cause problems for your relationship. I'm sure there are thousands of actors in the country who manage to have sustainable relationships! If things are good between you, if you have fun, if you know you'd enjoy this holiday, why are you looking for problems that might never happen? If we all did that we'd never get into a relationship.

No relationship is guaranteed. But that's why we take chances and see how it goes. If everything is good now and you are both enjoying each others' company, what's the problem?

batmanrobin

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Do not do this- it's only four months

He has a holiday booked. He has offered that you go.

Either go because you want to or not.

Stop overthinking the future

Why not? He's already introduced her to his parents. It's not like it has to be a big heavy talk. It's too late to tell her not to overthink, she already is. Those doubts are there. No harm in her having a chat with him about how she's feeling. Better than sitting on it and it potentially festering and coming out sideways. Especially if she's been burnt twice before.

pookie82

I would respectfully disagree with the majority here OP. I don't think you're overthinking things at all. It's very early on in the relationship to be trying to "make things work" if he has to take off shortly and live somewhere else for 4/6 months. You'd half wonder is it worth the effort. And if you're even thinking that, maybe he hasn't blown you away enough to want to invest.

Being separated from someone you love is sh*t. It's doable, but sh*t. Trying LD with someone you don't love/know fully yet is even messier. I'd be wondering, like you, if I shouldn't cut my losses and seek someone who's on the same level/lifestyle.

He's being vague about it because he doesn't know himself what the future holds. But "I don't know" is no real use to you. If you really liked this guy and were happy to go with the flow, grand. But I get the whole having-to-tell-your-parents-you're-going-abroad, and who with, and all that will come with that if it ends again in a month's time. I'm 33 and if I was leaving the country for any period of time of course I'd have the courtesy to tell them - we'd talk most days anyways, I couldn't go silent for 2 weeks. So I get you completely on that point.

If I were you (and this is just me) I'd sit him down and ask him if this is a holiday of convenience rather than genuinely wanting to get away together, and then I'd probably outline my reluctance to get caught up in something that (by the nature of his job/lifestyle) is so uncertain, and see where that takes you.

Stone Deaf 4evr

Sitting him down and confronting him about it and you've only been going out 4 months? Talk about putting pressure on the guy early. In relationship terms you hardly know him a wet weekend.

Shelga

If you're concerned, have a chat. I know what people mean when they say "it's only been 4 months!" but at the same time, you have understandable concerns. It's not your second date. What would both of your expectations be if he was acting abroad for weeks at a time?- that's all you need to ascertain. It doesn't have to be some massive heavy talk.

Don't wait for strangers on a message board to tell you when is safe in your own relationship to talk to your boyfriend about something important. 6 months? A year? 4 months is plenty of time to get emotionally invested, IMO. Next time he mentions auditions or future work, just ask him what the story is.